Geraldine's Diary

My diaries from around 2004 - 2009 (covering ages 12-17) are posted here in reverse chronological order. For grid view click 'archive' below. To review in chronological order click chronological below...

[geraldinesdiary]

Diaries - exhibited at http://www.eca.ed.ac.uk/history-of-art/news-events/confessional-art-art-confessions Edinburgh College of Art Sculpture Court until 16th April. handle gently...

[geraldinesdiary]

09/01/10

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Today I met D***** and we went to Saltaire. We've only been chatting over Facebook - about depression etc - for just over a week but I think it could be one of the reasons I'm full of vitality. That, and the tablet dosage, and going back to school, all the good glimmers reiterated to form one fine feeling. It's wonderful, I feel ready to live, keen to learn but humble, not greedily or selfishly. And I've even been exercising and limiting food to healthier stuff, for 4 days now - never achieved that before. And as I reflect on the day I've just had - talking for at least 5 hours, kissing for at least 1 - I feel totally whipped. A bit scared that I may depend on this relationship as it comes at the time of my recovery to normal, I keep thinking of how upset I'd be to lose it, already ... it's only been 6 hours! But that's what love is like, you have it to lose. I actually feel a bit like:  'The day after you stole my heart Everything I touched told me It would be better shared with you; I cannot stop thinking about him. I want to see him. I want to talk to him. And look into his eyes. And touch his perfect face. And kiss his lovely lips. Darling you're perfect It's only been a day But I know it Such timing you have I thought I would never Find a boy like you I can't believe my luck What a feeling I've got or 'At Last' that's how it feels. But I'm only seventeen. Crazy. Sweetness. Darling. Dearest. I'm a bit scared that I'm clinging onto this so much, or loving it so much. I need to be careful, I'm not mentally stable ..............

[geraldinesdiary]

07/01/10

I feel kind of normal and have done since Monday even though Tuesday + Weds were snow days. But I also feel a bit empty of something which I can't identify. Excessive, irrational thoughts? Probably. I feel a bit two-dimensional.

[geraldinesdiary]

04/01/10

First day back was many things, mainly exhausting but I still feel positive about my ability to deal with my school work and to approach it sensibly and calmly, one thing at a time. I'm also proud that I managed to dismiss negativity more today but it did involve suppression of some emotions and tears at points so I don't know if I should've released it.

[geraldinesdiary]

03/01/10

Part of my dream last night, in which I moved to London alone for year 13, I went to the toilets somewhere and was in there for ages and when I looked in the mirror I had two huge scabby circles on each side of my gullet and loads on one side of my face. Like white and yellow but all scabby and sore around it. Can't get the image out of my head.

It doesn't matter if I fail my A levels. I can still do an art degree with 2 E's. I just wish I wasn't depressed. I suppose it's up to me to try and fight the miserableness and change my thought processes. I also worry I won't be able too. But I did some of the Munch essay yesterday. Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

Situation: alone in room Automatic Thoughts:

I'll never do all my work and feel like I'm coping with school

I'm still just unmotivated, now what I was

I could be like this forever, maybe this is just me

I'll not only do shit at school but I'll feel this inconsistent and unmotivated in any job/life

People won't understand what went wrong they'll think I just fed up and lazy

People will just judge me if I try and explain especially in a job or something, they don't want complicated people they don't care that I'm an intense thinker other people can get the job done better

Images of school, having to explain

Evidence for hot thought:

I've been like this for so long and it's only got worse

Even when I do get something done it doesn't satisfy me, I just feel it's not good enough

Being neurotic and having high expectations is all I can remember, even when I drew as a child I couldn't understand why it wasn't good. Also couldn't understand why I wasn't good at golf

Evidence not support:

I sometimes manage to get work done, like yesterday that history essay, ages ago bit of art

I'd tell my best friend they were deluded and could achieve loads, and remind them of what they've achieved so far

They would say to me that I'm just thinking like this because I'm depressed and remind me of grades, piano etc

When I'm not feeling this way I just get into it and get on with it, even enjoy it and prefer it

I've been in this situation loads but if I made myself start it I could do it.

>>later 19:30

I think I just felt more bored and frustrated than ever today and it all built up until an hour and a half ago I came into my room and laid in the dark and put music on and just cried and cried and cried and choked and gipped and my heart kept sinking. I feel like this will never, ever end ...

frustration > hopelessness > frustration and hopelessness > frustration, anger > hopelessness, anguish > anguish pain > slight relief > frustration >

STORY OF MY LIFE

But not ALL the time I suppose, I felt 'normal' that time I went to town.  Spiral. It's so hard, but it's so me. I need to help myself by being more balanced but. I'm so ... lost sometimes. Still have very little faith in self.

[geraldinesdiary]

02/01/10 > night 00:54

I can't sleep. Been trying since about 23:30 but I feel depressed again even though I managed to do some art essay today and took dog out and although was bored late on I didn't get really down, I felt a little better again and sung a it which was frustrating but more enjoyable really.

I took my 3 tablets at 22:56 but I think I'll try 1 in the morning and 2 at night instead. My eyes are burning and I'm a bit hot and my neck and shoulders ache. I'm worried because I've been getting up after 10 every morning but I'll have to get up at 7 on Monday.

Situation - alone in bed struggling to sleep Moods - frustrated 60%, sad 50%, anxious 40% Automatic Thoughts:

I won't get a refreshing sleep > frustrated 70%

My day will be the same tomorrow > anxious 60%

I will be bored and frustrated and unproductive and shit 

I won't get enough done then I'll have to explain / talk to teachers

Images of dreams of stage fright and teacher's faces, being in class, asked questions

I won't be able to handle school when I go back and people will be getting bored of me and thinking I'm pathetic > frustrated 80%, hopeless 90%

I will never feel any better consistently

[geraldinesdiary]

01/01/10 14:05

ART ESSAY Procrastinate - easy - not face it

Getting started - will be interesting - will motivate me - it makes me happy - not as hard as I think - will get it done, won't have to worry about it

Advantages of getting started today: - still have Saturday and Sunday to do it - have an empty day and will prevent boredom - will make me feel motivated sooner when I still have plenty of time to complete it

Plan - begin at 15:45 - potential problems:

not being able to read/focus = just look at essay so far and notes so far and write about the painting from looking at it

getting distracted = don't use PC/facebook and clear a space to work

I'm not in the mood = but I will be when I get started I won't be able to do it = but I did it before and it was good and I enjoyed it!

  16:55

Fuck. I do NOT want to do my art essay. I'm tired, my body feels really weak. I'm bored as fuck but I'm just mindlessly watching films 'Charlie + the Chocolate Factory'. I want to draw blood as in from myself. See it.

[geraldinesdiary]

01/01/10 - 01:37am

Ahhh. 2010. Bollocks. So this year just fight the miserable and be yourself. 

Also remember, - challenge neg thoughts, evidence against - don't eat emotionally - exercise to feel better/healthier - you can say no - little pressure :/

Fuck off with lists already.

[geraldinesdiary]

29/12/09

Today's moods have almost given me whiplash. But it's ending on a positive note: fight the miserable because life, and you, are much better when you're you and not a depressive. 11:40pm

[geraldinesdiary]

28/12/09, 11:37am

Not dressed yet. We're soon going to ****'s, no ones wants to go, mum's MAD hoovering etc, and I cba but I'm going to get in the shower. Nan is coming this evening.

23:45

I feel so frustrated and isolated. Like I'm withdrawing further into my head more quickly than ever before. Things are just annoying me, I'm sick of them. Nothing is enjoyable, everything is frustrating. I'm sick of it. I'm so annoyed, I feel sweaty and aggravated, I'm just sat in bed but I just want to scream or destroy but I don't want to talk to anyone in this house mum will offer too much love dad will just be confused and AAAAARGHHHHH. 

Nobody even cares about anyone else or understands them, so fucking selfish we all are. I'm sick of me. I am sick of this. Sick sick sick. I can't put it in a thought record because the thoughts are just the same as before, perhaps hotter but I'm also aggravated by the external world. I can't read my fucking books. I can't start something. I can't watch stuff. I can't get myself out. I can't just relax and have a conversation. I can't listen to much. I can't go for a walk. I can't be bothered to eat proper food. I can't believe I'm going to work in the library. I can't believe how shit and meaningless everything is now I think that my mind is the thing that gave anything meaning and my mind is a fucking mess. I just keep thinking about cutting myself open and bleeding then panicking. Imagine if I did it then I couldn't turn back, I'd just die and everyone would think 'what a fucking stupid selfish bitch' and I'd be long gone!

Imagine if I just wasn't in being. There would be nothing. The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living. What the fuck is going on with my mother-fucking art work?! What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? How the hell am I going to be able to sleep in this mood? I feel so so so so isolated. So isolated. So fucking isolated and frustrated I'm a shitbag and my life is worth nothing. IT's worth a lot to a few people but I'm not even the person they love any more, I'm just this mess!

[geraldinesdiary]

28/12/09 Facebook Note

You, Me, I, Clarity? Possibly, Probably not.

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 Monday, 28 December 2009 at 18:31 |Edit note | Delete

I'm not sure who this is addressed to, and what form it takes in terms of person. It's addressed to you and me. I don't even know. It's obviously me, but maybe we all make similar mistakes that we don't realise. You can dream, imagine, visualise and idealise situations or aspects of yourself and it's never the same as you imagine when you experience it as you are still held within the shackles of your own mind. For this reason, if relying on external factors to affect something within, you are not equipped to enjoy the benefits of these factors or the change. Maybe it's stating the obvious, as I've stated it to myself many times but I don't seem to take it in. The change may be a change in scenery - you may want to start anew. Or maybe it is a product, a 'thing' that you seek. Or maybe you want to be thinner or have your hair cut like someone in the hope that you will look like they do when you have it. Anywhere you go, anything you obtain or any change that occurs is initially imagined beyond your mind, beyond you. But YOU is something you can't detatch yourself from until you become aware of the attachment. Your perception is waiting and ready to taint everything you see or experience with association. Your thoughts are there to infect the objective neutrality of your surroundings as soon as you comprehened them. You think of the future, but you will not feel any different in the future like you envisage yourself because you'll still be the you that you are and not the you that you imagined. The same person, still trapped in your own mind, still a failure to your own expectations, still isolated from others and getting further in by examining what you lack and setting exhaustive goals to remedy this. You cannot escape yourself or the connection with your mind. Yes, people can distract you from it and drugs can distort it but everyone is alone sometimes. And I'm alone most of the time because I seem to exist in my mind. So that loneliness is always there to destroy me. It knows - I know - that the only way to ESCAPE myself is by ending myself. Ending my mind by ending my body. And I only realise this after running away from it for so long, whether literally or by way of procrastination, distraction, entering oblivion or pursuing a fixation. But maybe it's not a case of escaping yourself, as you are a part of the world just as much as you seem to belong inside your mind, isolated from the world. You're subjected to yourself until you realise that the thing you seek - from 'perfection', 'thin', 'exceptionally amazing at everything', 'understanding everything' to 'victory', 'money', 'a new really cool expensive phone', in essence contentment and peace of mind- comes from CHANGING your mind. It makes sense, doesn't it? The mind that perceives the worst of the world and desires greatness is built for disappointment, frustration and ceaseless depression. Which in turn leads to feelings of failure, guilt, shame and anguish. So much so that it begins to destroy the you that the world knows and turns you inside yourself. Days are dominated by moods and mindsets which seem so impossible to overcome though they are a product of the mind in the first place, a seed which you unknowingly sowed. The things that are irrational yet I do not have the will to discard them, the external situations which are perceived with anxiety, the internal defects which are considered permanent and unchangeable and the normal tasks and responsibilities that seem so insurmountable. But if you can create these conditions - and you are to blame for it, though you didn't realise the damage your neuroticisim was doing and there's no point wasting more time by feeling depressed about THAT as well - then your mind is certainly capable of learning not to expect the unachievable and learning to perceive the whole picture and of learning to live beyond the constraints of your own mind. Though it's easier said than done. You? Me? I? Who knows. And if you don't like it, no one made you read it.

[geraldinesdiary]

27/12/09 Thought Record^

THIS IS REALLY BORING NOW.

TV/FILMS AREN'T EVEN NUMBING ME ANY MORE.

I JUST FEEL FRUSTRATED, ASHAMED, SHIT AND TRAPPED. I DON'T WANT TO READ OR PLAY PIANO OR DO ANYTHING. I DON'T WANT TO EAT BUT I'M BORED. I DON'T WANT TO GO ON A WALK OTHER THAN TO HAVE A CIGARETTE BUT I KNOW IT WON'T MAKE ME FEEL ANY DIFFERENT. I've been in this place for so long. I'm sick and bored!

00.00 on 27/12/09 Rather frustrated But slightly, very slightly consoled by a slight bit of clarity about the fact that my writing talents most definitely exceed my musical and artistic talents.

[geraldinesdiary]

25/12/09

00:30? Actually the 26th then. Merry Christmas. Good day on the whole. iTunes voucher inspired me to consider the music that I miss at the moment (new music) and explore the music which has changed music. Also art theory book is inspiring.

So just need to overcome that first difficult obstacle, getting out of a depressed state. Repeatedly.

You're content to accept my half-arsed reply I'm clearly not happy, I'm about to cry But it's easier to pretend that I'm telling the truth And focus back on your self

^when people ask you how you are and you lie blatantly but then didn't really care

Then again Your question wasn't exactly heartfelt More an outburst of courtesy  Than a real concern You can regard yourself as anything in your own mind And as long as you don't realise What you really are, it'll be fine

[geraldinesdiary]

Thought Record 24/12/09

[geraldinesdiary]

Thought Record 23/12/09

[geraldinesdiary]

20/12/09

On the plane back from Canada. I can't believe how far away time spent there seems, and how close reality is. I feel unable to articulate anything, but felt too intensely affected by everything to function normally. What is normally? All my confused, muddled, conflicting ambitions, ideas, hopes, convictions are just swirling endlessly and however I spend my time I feel no lasting sense of clarity.

I keep hoping to write a poem about it or just come up with an idea, but I'm just repeating myself. It's the same defeat every time but just more disappointing and crushing as each bit of happiness or clarity soon vanishes. Most of this week has been blissful, so peaceful and active and intriguing and I've been enjoying nature and formulating ideas about future excursions and always myself, but there's no permanence or understanding. It's just muddled and however exciting or enjoyable there's always the after taste which reaches me as soon as I begin to think, because then it's just me again and it's like that's me rather than the person presented to others. I feel unable to communicate with people, and I find myself constantly criticising this self that I consider so much. There just seems to be such a gap between my delirious, intense mind and me. And I just keep withdrawing back into it, despite the fun and games and beautiful scenery and Christmas and sudden hope anticipation and the odd fantasy built from intense stares into the eyes of a stranger who will never know any of it because the moment vanishes. I'm trying to dismiss the thought that I'm too far in but it just seems to be part of my outlook.

[geraldinesdiary]

15/12/09

I understand it all so much, but I can never show someone how it is. No one would understand me. I feel like I could've written it, but I'm upset and annoyed that I didn't, or even though it gives me such a bond with 'figures from the past' I still envy their ability to write those lyrics. And so many just love the music. Also 'The Bell Jar' just read the beginning, pretty much the story of my life.

_________________________________________________________

Wonderful day skiing then came to hotel and spa-d then got ready happy + great and went to meal lovely, met girl made me want to work in Banff for a year then she presumed I didn't appreciate music, patronised me by saying 'You should listen to your mum and dad they've got good music taste' and resulting moods ...

embarassed - 60% anguished - 70% frustrated - 90%

God god god. What the fuck?!?! Possession. We all just take things and it belongs to us, our music tastes, everything.  We talk about what they mean to us, but not for one second really regarding what they say/what it means to them.

The only times I write/express/create anything is in these terrible depressed moods.

So is that me, or is that depression? I feel like if I did come and live in Banff and be the happy outdoorsy type I'd be fine, then I'd have the sudden realisation complete detached lonely emptiness from my creative self and would feel isolated and commit suicide. Why would I even want to create anything because it would just be scrutinised and taken from me and presented in certain ways and be misinterpreted and misunderstood by all but a few like me.

'Someone take these dreams away, that point me to another day ... a duel of personalities, that stretch all true realities .... they keep calling me ... Where figures from the past unfold, and mocking voices ring the hall, Imperialistic house of prayer, Conquistadors who took their share'

But I suppose I still feel like going skiing tomorrow and seeing fitties. So maybe I'll just return to that dividing, tearing, tragic double life.

Too much Too many directions I'm going in Too little time Too many people Life Bizarre Upsetting They don't understand. Possession. Why bother? What?

Relax, slow, chill - find a more efficient means/process/medium/form of expression.

Hovering/lingering fascination with death/suicide. Fucking too much. But it won't happen. I'm too curious I think. Even though sometimes I feel beyond and had enough of the struggles of the complexity of the human mind, I can't imagine not existing. I wouldn't be able to listen to 'Dead Souls' then, or discover other things that I feel I could've written because I feel it, not just appreciate it intellectually/artistically.

So Ian Curtis > artist? more nd other great people who create great music also wonderful artists