My heart will stop if I put out the fire.

Mar. they/them, 33, Seattle.

[etthereal-deactivated20180821]

Anonymously ask me anything

[thememedaddy]

[celceta]

I love seasonal fruits they're like girl we're back lol

[prinxe-with-no-crown]

happy pride month

[getlostinthesounds]

Some day the thread will be a full rope again.

[greelin]

having to pay for parking at a hospital will always be fucking deranged to me. Sorry

[greelin]

“oh that’s just how it is” well. It should not fucking be like that.

[getlostinthesounds]

Good to know that 12:00 pm black tea and an extended release stimulant after forgetting the stimulant for like 3 days will 1000% result in fucking up my sleep schedule even more 🙃

[wolfythewitch]

🍉

[getlostinthesounds]

Does the “read more” function still exist on this website?

Oh thank goodness it does. We’re back to virtual diary vibes apparently lmao. Read on at your own risk I guess. This is more for me to remember than anything else.

Being drawn to this site again and doing this diary shit again makes sense. I’m doing all this heavy, heavy childhood trauma processing in therapy right now. Talking about things I haven’t considered or maybe even talked much about as an adult. Reflecting on things so differently than I have before. There isn’t really anyone friends-wise in my life right now who knows about what certain things were like for me when I was at some of the lowest points growing up. Obviously that makes sense. It’s just not something I’ve really sat with before. This website was a place I could put things back then, and in this moment it is again.

I was just down this rabbit hole of music that I listened to in middle school. I was reminded of a song by The Fray that I listened to on repeat so many times, and just kept finding more and more songs and albums that I haven’t listened to in ages. I landed on a different song and boom. I felt in my body an experience I recognized as something I felt so, so often at that age.

I didn’t know what was going on with me and my brain at the time. I just knew I was sad, and hated myself, and I was so angry at everything and everyone. I rarely felt understood. After talking about the shit that was happening at that time yesterday, I’m realizing that so much of what was happening to me was grief. Heavy, horrible grief that no one really guided me through. I don’t think I ever really connected the dots to that. Like of course it fucked me up to watch one of the only people who always made me feel cared for and unconditionally loved go through a cancer diagnosis, chemo and radiation, fall asleep at the wheel and crash her van into a highway median, have her move into the room next to mine because her family wasn’t providing the level of care she needed when she was incredibly sick, and then she moved back in to her family’s home where I saw her in the process of dying, and said goodbye to her the day before she died — over the course of years, all when I was that young. And it was compounded by so many other things. I began the process of not believing in god a few months after she passed, was fighting with some of my family members a ton, I started dieting by eating only salads for lunch for at least an entire school year, and had my first experience of wanting to die. I’m glad I decided to stay anyway.

I’m grateful to be able to be awake enough again to be present for my middle school self right now. It feels good to be honoring them with the music that kept me alive then. That made me feel less alone. Maybe music can carry me through actually engaging with the present day grief I’m steeped in but often dissociated from around COVID, and the isolation of still being cautious. The grief around Palestine and Sudan and Congo, and the horror of it all. Among others.

[thememedaddy]

[bloglikeanegyptian]

i don't know how people don't understand the betrayal that everyone in the global south feels from the way this has gone down, but nobody is more betrayed than those who sincerely wanted and believed in a democratic future. i really want people to wonder how they would feel living in a region where the death of 11,000 children is seen as an international project that all the first-world countries of the world have collaborated on together. the US, the UK, the EU have all come together to encourage israel to slaughter palestinian children. it's not merely silence. it's not a lack of condemnation. it's an active participation. as far as this region is concerned, the democratic future is dead. it was already killed a long time ago. but right now nobody is more empowered than those who never believed in it in the first place. so thank you for the sanctimonious concern about human rights, which we can now gather and bury alongside the fragmented bodies of palestinian children.

[bloglikeanegyptian]

this post is not a dismissal of democracy. hundreds of thousands of people in egypt, syria, tunisia, libya, lebanon, yemen and sudan died in pursuit of true democratic ideals, equality, freedom and self-determination. it is not an abstract or western ideal to me, it's something we actively fought for and believed in in our own terms.

the betrayal isn't from a belief in the goodwill of western nations. nobody had that. but if you sanction the murder of children, you are explicitly and systemically eliminating a future from a people. you are eliminating the ability to pursue any kind of future: democratic, peaceful or otherwise. this is the calculation that's been made: better dead than democratic. its the removal of the ability to have your own terms in the first place.

[landsccape]

[aestheticsofartt]

[fuckyeahkitschy2]

[immortalsarcasm]

Outrage in Seattle after ‘raids’ of several gay bars citing ‘lewd conduct’ laws

The authorities deny that it was a raid, but bar owners, managers, and patrons are asking what else to call it.

Nobody better ever fucking tell me the fight for rights is over.

[bitter-limelight]

Reminder this is where "no kink at pride" leads. You demand everything be family friendly you'll learn who's families are the standard

[tomato-bird-art]

Yesterday, Today, and Forever

[getlostinthesounds]

.

[getlostinthesounds]

I don’t know where else to put this these days. The days where I feel low like this feel just as bad as before. I wonder if any of the work I’ve put in, if I’ve even put in any work, really matters. Nothing is ever as good as I want it to be. I just feel disappointed, over and over and over and over. I can’t even bring myself to write more than this.