I may be all bouncy and happy and positive about being autistic, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have moments that feel like hell on Earth.
I’m not going to make this into any “I have it worse than you” conditions, but I’m going to point out where I struggle because I want you to know that I have difficulties too. Some of these are things I struggle with every day and others are not every day, but still happen often.
I get overstimulated very easily, which shrinks my thinking capacity and my ability to communicate understandably eventually goes poof.
I get understimulated very easily, which makes me antsy and unable to concentrate until I fill in that sensory hole.
Sometimes I can’t stop stimming to do something else because my body is prioritizing self-regulation over everything else. (I don’t mind this one if what I’m doing isn’t “I need this done in 30 minutes” time sensitive.)
I have days where my sensory issues are so bad that I can only leave my room to use the bathroom.
Getting sick or having my period throws my entire physical and emotional balance off.
Sometimes I have self-injurious behavior.
Sometimes I have meltdowns in public.
I have “slow burn” meltdowns where I feel myself winding up and can’t unwind again.
I have “instant blast” meltdowns where I go from zero to boom in .0001 seconds.
If two high priority environmental prompts happen together (like the phone and doorbell ringing at the same time), my response is to have an instant meltdown.
My executive functioning is awful; I might need somebody to guide me to a starting point and walk me through a process or else it won’t get done.
Activity transitions are meltdown minefields for me.
I need to be warned of changes in my routine at least two days in advance or else I totally flip out.
I can’t drive because I can’t split my attention well enough to be safe on the road. Like, I might be so focused on looking for a street name that I won’t notice the car running a red light or stop sign until it hits me. This means I don’t get to get out much because I rely on other people for rides.
I stumble on my speech and sometimes I have trouble making a concise point.
The way I speak is simpler than I think, so people often assume I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I have trouble understanding people who speak English with a very strong accent from their native non-English language– it’s not them who is doing it wrong, it’s my ears and brain having trouble figuring out the unusual pronunciation of familiar words.
I absolutely will not understand what someone is saying if there’s a lot of background noise or people talking as they’re talking to me. Even having the TV on with one person talking at the same volume as you will make me unable to process anything you say. You have to make your voice “bigger” than the noise around us by either talking louder or letting me get closer to you. This happens because I can either tune out everything or tune in to everything. My filter is either open or shut, there’s no in between.
Autism is very much a disability that causes me very real problems. I rely on disability benefits because I can’t handle a work environment at all.
I used to have moments like you’re having– moments where I wish it would go away, but I’ve learned that taking our autism away won’t really solve our problems, it’ll just give us new ones. You’re not suffering less or faking just because other people choose to see the positive sides of their autism.
I’m super proud of my imagination and my ability to think in ways other people can’t.
I love that I can take a split-second scene in a movie or TV show and have it spawn a series of fanfics that get written over the span of a decade.
I love that I can get massive ideas for fanfics from the smallest, seemingly insignificant details or experiences I have in my life.
I love that I can write like I do, and I wouldn’t have the ability to get inside characters like I do if I wasn’t autistic.
I love geeking out over my special interests and the rush of emotion that comes with it.
I love how music pours straight through my body when I listen to it, and I love the euphoria I experience while singing with my church choir.
I love how my experiences of the world are on a deep sensory level because I feel like I commune with every environment I enter.
I love having a random sense of humor because sometimes I say really hilarious stuff.
I love being able to find the things non-autistic people don’t notice and point them out– like if I’m out for a walk and see a cute little flower growing out of a crack in the cement, I’ll run over and get down on the ground to look at it closer while calling everyone else over to see it too. –I remember there was a blind lady in my church choir, and I would “elbow-guide” her to the potted plants near the church altar so she could touch and smell them and I would describe their color. (She was born totally blind and had no concept of color, but said she liked to hear about it anyway.) I was the only person who would describe the environment to her, like I told her what Bible images the stained glass windows depict and what colors they were. I taught her what “sparkle” is by saying it looks the way raindrops feel when they hit your hand.
Those are the things I love and things I wouldn’t have if I wasn’t autistic. Those are what I like to focus on. That doesn’t mean I pretend the negatives aren’t there because they totally are.
And who walks all over other autistic people who have more support needs than them?
I’ve called autism and ADHD “cousins” before because there’s some symptom overlap. I also think autism and Tourette’s may be “cousins” too for the same reason.
And to finish– I ain’t gonna tell you how to feel about your autism. You’re allowed to hate being autistic, but I’m not going to stand around and let you think it’s okay to put down other people who don’t hate being autistic. Some people may finally be comfortable with themselves and it’s not fair to chase them back into their shell because you hate to see them being positive about it.
There’s good in your being autistic too. The key is finding it. I believe you can and you will, it just takes patience. <3