I Didn't Plan for This...
Childhood dreams aren’t made of visions of blended families and step-motherhood. Thanks to classic fairytales the latter alone conjures images of a wicked woman, a la Lady Tremaine, filled with jealousy, hatred, and deceit. Even worse, due to these well known stories the stepmother seems to equate to the crumbling of the very sacred relationship between the princess and her father. Silly as it may sound the imagery is powerful and it sticks. I remember being an 11-year-old girl, sizing up any and every woman my father introduced to me, and thinking in my head, You don’t belong here.
Fast forward a bit to age 15. It was the first time I sat down to watch the movie Stepmom. A part from this specific topic, the movie didn’t have a large impact on me. But, I do remember having a few very specific thoughts walking away from it:
Wtf is snow-blowing? (I still don’t think I completely understand this)
Extreme and utter sadness. If in that situation, how would I cope in a world without my mother? How would I handle the loss of someone so engrained in my world and monumental to who I’ve become?
In no way shape or form would I want to be in Isabel’s shoes, up against the power house that is Jackie. The family unit is clearly no longer in the classic sense. But, members of the family are holding onto the memory of what once was, clinging onto those roles, and when they feel they’re threatened they resist and retaliate. Isabel is the threat and the brunt of all retaliation. Thanks, but no thanks.
Fast forward to an almost 30-year-old Danielle and reality sinks in. It’s 2017 and there’s no longer a concept of a “normal” family unit. People no longer feel the need to cover up an unplanned pregnancy with a shotgun wedding, many couples are choosing to not get married EVER, women are choosing career over kids, men are marrying men, women are marrying women. What does this mean for me? Nothing really. Other than the older I get, the older the acceptable age range for men in my dating pool. The older this range gets, the greater the percentage of this dating pool includes SINGLE DADS… EEK! But, as anyone who has ever fallen in love knows, you love who you love. You can’t really help who you fall in love with. And, when it’s good and meant to be then there’s absolutely no fighting it. As an adult, I definitely wouldn’t not date a man because he has kids. I love kids! It’s just scary. I don’t want to be THAT woman in someone’s life.
If you happen to have dated someone with kids you quickly learn children are an extension of the person that you’ve fallen in love with. I love the mannerisms, thoughts, and shared interests that my significant other and his daughter share. She’s this extremely amazing little mini version of him. Watching the two of them interact only makes me love them both more and respect the bond that they’ve created.
In my personal situation, I've kind of had it easy. "My people" don’t seem to share the same ideas and scary concepts that I’ve held onto for all these years. They’ve both accepted me with open arms. I was expecting some sort of adaptation period. For 12 years their time has just been THEIR time. I’ve been very honored and touched by her approach to me. She’s 12, so full of love, and has an intense desire to create a space that is all inclusive for the three of us. I’ve almost had to fight to ensure that they still get daddy-daughter time. We’ve not been the greatest about adhering to it, but we’ve made a rule that once a month they’ll have a daddy-daughter date night and do something special just the two of them. Unfortunately, all ideas sound great, then life gets busy. We have to work on that one.
The more we build this new space that is for our little make-shift family of 3, the more my thinking shifts and alters. When I grocery shop, I’m not just buying salad and yogurt for one. I’m trying to think of healthy snack options and planning menus so we all have balanced meals. What’s easy for lunch? Cheezits are her favorite, so those are a must. I’m constantly trying to think of fun things to do. Gardening, craft projects, introducing her to yoga… Beyond the tangible I look at this little lady in my life and I start to think about the kind of influence I want to have on her life and the kind of woman I want her to be.
I want her to be forgiving. It’s not always easy being the bigger person. It will challenge her and sometimes feel like it takes every piece of her to truly forgive. But, I want her to understand how empowering forgiveness is. Holding onto hate and anger only gives others power over your life and I don’t ever want her to give up HER own power.
I want her stop trying to please everyone. People pleasing is something many of us can admit to and I already see it in her. She’s 12 and she sets her own wants and desires aside so that people around her will be happy. I don’t want her to feel like her desires aren’t good enough, no matter how large or small. Of course there’s a perfect balance, but the next 10-20 years of her life are for exploring and I don’t want her to hold back one bit. I don’t want her to make certain decisions based on what she thinks her parents or other family members want her to do. I want her to follow her heart and to believe in her dreams whole heartedly.
I want her to be bold and I want her to be strong. More than anything, I want her to know that as a female, that’s okay. Enough said.
I want her to be ambitious and I want her to understand the importance of perseverance. This summer we’re going to do a goal challenge at her dad’s house, in which she’s going to set 3-5 goals. They can be small or large, but she will set them and works towards them each week. I want her to understand the importance of hard work, I want her to understand how to think about and meet what she perceives as a hurdle, and I also want her to see how sometimes our goal or the perception of the end goal can change based on our experiences along the way. This doesn’t mean that we have failed in meeting our goal, it just means that we’ve changed and that too should be honored and acknowledged. Aka, don’t be too hard on yourself.
I could go on for days about all of the things I want for her and the kind of person I want to be in her life. Long story short, being a “step mom” isn’t the scary picture I’ve held in my head for so many years. I certainly don’t feel like Lady Tremaine. Taking on this role and owning it 100% has only brought more love and happiness to my life and enriched my world in ways I never imagined. It challenges me and has forced me to change my way of thinking and being, for the better. Now my goals include ensuring I’m a positive influence in her life, a source of love and support, an outlet when needed, and a friend when appropriate. My weekend activities include family meals, swim meets and planning summer mountain vacations for the family. My life is so much more than I ever imagined. I hope she feels the same about the world we’ve built and having me in her life.
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