There is no end to using up people and commodities, burning them out and having to keep moving on.
The narcissist as a result of lack of self-awareness, self-responsibility and self-work never gets to create durable love, happiness, bliss, joy and peace and all the beautiful aspects of life that go with co-creating through our True Selves.
I have worked with narcissistic individuals, and this I promise you. They all report the same things.
They have all told me that when they wake up in the morning they are plagued by a huge inner ‘hole’, an intense pain and anxiety within them. With that ‘hole’ comes the manic surge of self-loathing, self-doubt and intense shame.
Like a junkie requiring something, anything to take the edge off, the narcissist has to get out into the world to start extracting narcissistic supply in order to feel better.
It is only when the narcissist does procure attention and energy that he or she experiences temporary relief from the intense inner torment that is ever persistent.
Society assumes that everyone has a conscience and the ability to empathize.
In fact, 1 in 25 people in the United States are estimated to be sociopaths, according to Harvard psychologist Martha Stout. Narcissists (those who meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder), sociopaths and psychopaths, speak in the language of crazy-making, of projection, of word salad, of gaslighting and of pathological envy.
While I will be focusing on narcissistic abusers in this post, keep in mind that all three are unable to empathize with others and frequently exploit others for their own agenda. If you encounter someone with narcissistic traits, they could very well fall towards the extreme end of the psychopathy spectrum and be a sociopath or psychopath.
Narcissistic and partners with Antisocial Personality Disorder engage in chronic manipulation and devaluation of their victims, leaving victims feeling worthless, anxious and even suicidal. This type of continual manipulation, which includes an idealization-devaluation-discard abuse cycle where they “lovebomb” their partners, devalue them through stonewalling, gaslighting, smear campaigns, verbal and emotional abuse, then discard them until the trauma begins again, also known as narcissistic abuse—abuse by a partner with NPD or on the far end of the narcissistic spectrum.
Their manipulation is psychological and emotionally devastating and very dangerous, especially considering the brain circuitry for emotional and physical pain are one and the same. What a victim feels when they are punched in the stomach can be similar to the pain a victim feels when they are verbally and emotionally abused, and the effects of narcissistic abuse can be crippling and long-lasting, even resulting in symptoms of PTSD or Complex PTSD. Needless to say, this type of abuse can leave psychological and emotional scars that can last a lifetime.
Yet what makes narcissistic abuse so dangerous is that it is often not recognized as abuse.
Mental health professionals are only now beginning to research and understand what Narcissist Victim Syndrome is, although survivors have been speaking about it for years. Narcissistic abuse is primarily psychological and emotional (though victims can suffer physical abuse as well) and since these abusers employ very covert and insidious methods to abuse their partners, they are able to escape accountability for the abuse because of the false persona they present to the outside world which is usually a charming mask that hides their cruelty.
Survivors often blame themselves for the abuse, not being able to put into words what they’ve experienced. Once they learn the vocabulary of narcissistic abuse, they are armed with the tools, the insights, and the resources to heal. Learning the language and techniques of these predators means that we are better prepared to identify the red flags when interacting with people who display malignant narcissism or antisocial traits and that we can better protect ourselves from exploitation and abuse. It means we can set appropriate boundaries with others, and make informed decisions about who we keep in our lives.
Understanding the nature of these toxic interactions and how they affect us has an enormous impact on our ability to engage in self-care. I personally know how devastating this type of abuse can be, especially when survivors are not able to speak of their experiences in the traditional discourse about what abuse entails and are often alienated and invalidated by friends, family members, and even mental health professionals who are not trained in this type of abuse. As a survivor, author, coach and a researcher, I’ve made it my mission to continue educating the public about the effects of narcissistic abuse, the techniques of narcissistic abusers, and the fact that healing from this type of abuse is possible.
These pathological individuals walk among us every day in their false masks, often unseen and unnoticed because of how eerily normal they are. They can be of any gender, background, and socioeconomic status. Often times, they are charming, charismatic, the life of the party, able to hook their victims in and dupe the public effortlessly. It’s very possible you’ve dated, worked with, had a family member or friend with Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Antisocial Personality Disorder in your lifetime.
Learning their emotional language means acknowledging that their cruelty is not only explicit but implicit, deeply ingrained in nuances in their facial expressions, gestures, tones, and most importantly, the contradictory mismatch between their words and actions. Their cruelty is deliberate and designed to control and ultimately destroy their victims.
These types of abusers are fluent in manipulation, well-versed in sadism, in control and in rage. It is akin to psychological and emotional rape—a sordid violation of boundaries and of the trust the victim has given his or her abuser.
Narcissistic abusers can attack at any given moment, using their choice weapons of sarcasm, condescending remarks, name-calling, and blame-shifting whenever they perceive you as a threat or whenever they need entertainment in the form of an emotional reaction. They can also use their nonverbal language in the form of a sadistic smirk, the cold deadness in their eyes while professing their to love you, their bored, sulky looks or their cruel laughter to bully you into believing that you are inferior to them.
Survivors spend much of the devaluation phase of an abusive cycle (the phase where they are thrust off the pedestal, only to be demeaned and degraded) constantly on their toes, careful not to make a sound lest they incur the wrath of their narcissist. Yet walking on eggshells doesn’t help, as the narcissist can and will use anything and everything you’ve said or done against you.
There are three key pieces of information that narcissists frequently collect in the idealization phase of the relationship where they are first lovebombing and grooming you with excessive attention, that they later wield against you in the devaluation and discard phases in their special language of depravity:
1. The flaws, shortcomings, insecurities and secrets you’ve confided in the narcissist about.
The narcissistic abuser rejoices when you share your wounds, your struggles, and your triggers early on. It is then that much easier for them to get underneath your skin and inside of your mind. During the early stages of the relationship, you are likely to feel so trusting and open with a narcissist that you share everything with them: your past, your heartbreaks and what you perceive to be your flaws.
You may see this as a way of establishing rapport, a connection with your partner, a way of being vulnerable and intimate. A narcissistic abuser sees it as dinner laying itself on the table. They will pretend to support you and empathize with you when you reveal these to them initially, but will later use these to provoke you, belittle you and demean you during the devaluation phase.
Remember: The narcissist has no limits as to what he or she will use, they thrive on the fact that you are being retraumatized. Their ability to make you regress right back into the original trauma with just one turn of phrase makes them feel powerful. And they live for that power, because it is the only power they have. To a narcissist, any open wound is an invitation to cut deeper and the narcissist can and always will cut a wound even deeper than the first.
2. Your strengths and accomplishments, especially the ones they are pathologically envious of.
Initially when you were on the pedestal, the narcissist couldn’t get enough of your strengths and accomplishments. They couldn’t stop raving about you to family and friends, showing you off, treating you like a trophy, an essential part of them. Their association with you inevitably made them feel superior and important. It bolstered their false image of being a normal human being who could get a “prize” like you.
In the devaluation phase, a narcissist will literally translate your strengths into perceived flaws. Once you were “confident and sexy,” but now you’re “cocky and vain.” Before, you were “intelligent and driven,” and now you’re just a “know-it-all” or a “a smartass.”
They gaslight you into believing that your value and worth are not real, all while projecting their own sense of inferiority onto you. They will degrade, minimize, and ignore what you accomplish, now acting as if it means nothing to them and as if it is of little importance or value to the world. They will feed you falsehoods about your lack of competence and ability. They will claim to be better at you, all the while stealing your ideas. They will taunt you into believing that you’re not capable of the smallest of tasks, even if you are out of their league professionally and personally. They will threaten to ruin your reputation and they will often sabotage major events as well as support networks you may have, attempting to turn everyone against you. They will trample upon your dreams, your aspirations, your beliefs, your personality, your goals, your profession, your talents, your appearance, your lifestyle – all the while extolling their own.
Their sudden turn of language takes a toll; it is traumatizing, shocking and unexpectedly vicious. Everything they once praised will inevitably be turned and twisted into a weakness. This is because they cannot stand you “winning” and being better than them at something. To them, everything is a competition and a game that they must win at all costs. They seek to destroy you in every way possible so that you, in turn, destroy and sabotage yourself—all the while they sit back, relax and watch the unraveling of everything you’ve worked hard for.
3. Your need to please them and their need to be perpetually dissatisfied.
The narcissist cultivated your need for his or her validation and approval early on in the idealization phase. By making you dependent on his or her praise, they conditioned you to seek the excessive admiration that only they could dole out. Now, as they devalue you, they use your need for validation to their advantage by withdrawing frequently, appearing sullen at every opportunity, and converting every generous thing you do for them as a failure on your part that falls short of their ludicrous expectations. Nothing can meet their high standards and everything wrong will be pointed out. In fact, even the things they do wrong shall be pinned on you.
Their blame-shifting language, passive-aggressive sulky behavior and narcissistic rage at the slightest injury becomes all-consuming for the victim, as the victim attempts to strengthen his or her efforts to meet the standards of the narcissist —standards which inevitably set the victim up for failure. For this, the victim is met with verbal assault, accusations and unfair comparisons which instil in him or her a pervasive sense of worthlessness and never being “enough.”
If the victim ever attempts to make the narcissistic abuser accountable for being a decent human being, they will lash out in rage, blaming them for the abuse and stonewalling the victim into silence. They love to have the last word, especially for the language they’ve created.
Taking back our control and power from a narcissistic abuser means going to war with the language they use against us. This means seeking validating, professional help for the abuse we’ve suffered, detaching from these people in our lives, learning more about the techniques of abusers, finding support networks, sharing our story to raise awareness and finding the appropriate healing modalities that can enable us to transcend and thrive after their abuse.
We can channel this experience of abuse for our highest good and for the greater good. We just have to be willing create in its place what I call a “reverse discourse”—a new language and a rewriting of the narrative that instead lifts us, motivates us, inspires us and revives us by replacing the narcissist’s cutting words with our own powerful truth.
Narcissists: Something every empath should understand.
I have read a lot about narcissism after realizing that I had a pattern of attracting and dating narcissists. At some point I stumbled upon the idea that empaths and narcissists are very often attracted to each other. I even saw a documentary where one was talking about his tactic for seeing if a woman is highly empathetic and then those are the ones he particularly likes to go after. I’d like to be able to say that at this point in my life I’m impervious to a narcissist, but some of them wear a pretty convincing human costume after decades of paying close attention to how people react to them so they can sew up the seams tighter in all the right places.
Sometimes you’ll invest before realizing what you’re *really* dealing with (because we will default to innocently assuming others have good intentions like we do). I ended up dealing with a particularly sadistic narcissist about a year ago and it really heightened my awareness, so here I am inspired to continue to write about this and share resources to hopefully help other empaths avoid this situation as well.
A narcissist can be intruguing to an empath because as we are used to getting and maintaining an emotional read on a person, its more difficult to do this with a narcissist because they don’t have the same emotionality as us; theres always a question of, what are they obscuring under the layers of image. That, along with a desire to heal others (“maybe this person hides themselves away because they don’t like who they are; maybe I can help them love themselves for who they are”) makes a narcissist appetizing to an empath. We are natural healers, we will take on wounded people in attempt to fix them. There is no fixing a narcissist however, the disorder has its own sense of self-preservation, and no matter what, a narcissist will only see you as another source of supply: your affection and attention builds up their ego, but they don’t feel the same emotions in reciprocation, they are incapable.
Some of the signs that this is what you’re getting into:
- You feel mixed feelings; both attraction and repulsion.
- You give, they take – and it might not start out that way immediately, as they know how to go through the motions to snare you in the beginning, with favors and such, but eventually they’re going to get lazy and stop investing as much energy into going through the motions (when they aren’t getting a big return on it anymore (some attention, and a smile from a pretty girl might be enough reward for them in the beginning but they require a bigger and bigger rush out of you; consuming you, maybe as small as treating you like a pump and dump; a notch on their belt, maybe as big as twisting you up emotionally and making your life a living hell).
- Inconsiderateness in various forms: they lack empathy so they aren’t going to consider “how would this make the other person feel.”
- Above all, they will display a lack of empathy. The glibness will become obvious over time, the emotions won’t match the facial expressions, something will feel “off.”
- They do not treat others ethically. I cannot stress this enough. However the very clever ones will hide this, you will end up seeing it at some point. (I had one tell me all his exs cheated, when he was actually the cheater - they cannot help themselves here, no empathy for others = they will do exactly what they feel like to get more supply.)
- They lie, they lie BIG, they lie to you, everyone, and most importantly they lie to themselves. A narcissist doesn’t like who they are, they do not accept who they are, not only will they lie in little ways about the self to attract and impress others, but under that layer is an entire fantasy version of themselves. This also makes it impossible to get straight answers about who they are because they are self-deceiving, evading the version of the self that isn’t the super-hero.
- They desperately need to feel accepted by people around them, or to feel superior to people around them. If a narcissist can “afford” it, getting into a position of power where he can treat others badly and still get rewarded, he will. Sometimes they will just be neglectful and callous about it if they aren’t the sadistic type of narcissist.
- They have a hyper-vigilance toward things that aren’t socially acceptable. (One of them who I dated snapped at me once: “I’m not going anywhere with you in that hat” – if you are with a narcissist around other people, they will expect you to be an accessory or a wingman, something useful to attract others to them, they are merely seen as an extension.)
- Inconsistencies in personality: their personality is something they deliberately constructed in order to try to appeal to either the most amount of people possible, or a certain type of person, and you can see them chameleon to tailor it to whomever they’re around.
- Sliming: the narcissists ego is a minefield and you may find yourself inadvertently tripping over a bomb. If you should do this, you will see the narcissist get triggered and react defensively, perhaps even insulting you in a deep and personal way where you can tell they have been sitting on something for a long time that they realized would get to you.Now, as empaths we are sensitive, and the sliming from the angry narcissist can really hurt. They are good at spotting people’s vulnerabilities too because they are always on high alert for things of this nature; its an advantage in the way they see life as a “game” to win.
- Superficiality: now, its a myth that narcissists are usually very conventionally attractive; I have known my fair share of narcissists who are not conventionally attractive but they are going to hold a double-standard and think less of people who are in their league. A narcissist who is a 3 is still going to strive for someone who looks like a photoshopped celebrity because acquiring something that holds value within consensual reality feeds the ego.
- Don’t really want you to know them: if you start to dig in and try to understand them, they will evade the ever living shit out of you. They want people to admire their smoke and mirrors, they believe no ego food can come from truly being known (because the real self that they have hidden away is believed by them to be unaccetable.) Sometimes they can become very defensive if they feel you trying to know them, the reactions will be bigger than they should be.
These are just a few things to look out for, and each narcissist is still an individual so attributes will vary. As for how to handle one once you *see* them for what they are: if its a romantic relationship, needless to say, end it. If its a friendship, distance yourself but remain affable, don’t get too close, do NOT let them use you for ego food. Also, don’t let them know you know what they are or you can potentially make a very nasty enemy for life. (After I broke up with one of them he not only haunted my online activity, but posted a lot of extremely perverted images in attempt to trigger me, and I have post traumatic stress disorder (this was a particularly sadistic narcissist.))
If you should fall prey to a narcissist and allow them to use you for narcissistic supply, you will end up in a lot of pain, pain that the narcissist probably won’t even understand, having a limited emotional spectrum. At times a narcissist can even feel flattered that they are *capable* of making someone feel intensely, even if its intensely negative. Again, this is a creature who wants nothing other than to feed its thirsty ass ego, and some of them are more sadistic than others. (One of my narcissist exs told me to keep a livejournal that he can see, detailing how he made me feel, and needless to say he was aware of the fact that he often made me feel broken.)
They might toy with you and toss you aside, or they might keep you around and string you along (if you are going to attract more supply for them particularly – like say you are a good wingman or conventionally attractive arm candy), or they might decide you are a formidable enough OPPONENT (even if they claim they love you, you’re still not quite on their team, its a team of one, always.) The particularly sadistic ones who don’t get enough supply from other sources may prefer what I call the relationship supply. They can get into a relationship and slowly hollow you out for their own satisfaction. “If I can break a strong person I am powerful.” There will be lesser supply while you are in a relationship with a narcissist too however, the collecting of notches continues even if its a supposedly committed relationship; it might be on your end, not theirs. They might go after easy prey if they need a quick fix, or just depending on opportunity at the time.
Trust your instincts, always. When you feel darkness in someone, avoid. I felt “the darkness” in my narcissist exs and learned the hard way, once over a course of years, a few times just months, but it left me with more triggers (on top of my ptsd). I am better at trusting my impressions of people now as I have gotten older, and I have sensed that darkness in even some of the least assuming people… I still like to get to know them a little bit sometimes just to kind of check my instincts, and the instincts are right.
Healthy empaths are important to the world, many people need us, and we can’t afford to heal others when we are “sick.” I hope this helps someone out there.
There’s a lot of buzz in the media these days about Empaths/Highly Sensitives and Narcissists attracting to one another. One popular theory is that Narcissists prey on Empaths and Sensitives because of their overly giving nature. While that is primarily true, there is another reason that goes even deeper, and it has to do with ego.
Narcissists
First, let’s consider the definition of egotistical as it relates to Narcissists in general:
adjective
Excessively conceited or absorbed in oneself; self-centered.
Arrogance, selfishness, greed, a sense of entitlement to whatever one wants.
Too much ego can lead to serious problems with treating people as means to ends: such people (i.e., Narcissists) feel entitled to do whatever it takes to get what he/she wants. This leads to abuses of ends/means reasoning (using other people to fulfill ego’s wants).
It’s no surprise that the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (DSM-IV) states that people with the disorder:
have a grandiose sense of self-importance
have a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
are interpersonally exploitative, i.e., taking advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
Empaths
Empaths do possess an ego to some degree, but don’t operatesolely from ego as Narcissists do. For an Empath, ego is experienced primarily in judging others and feelings of anger/resentment. These ego-driven emotions are usually incited in the Empath/HSP after witnessing acts of cruelty and hatred, interactions which they consider unfair or one-sided, and similar incidents.
Empaths operate predominately from love, humility, and giving. They have a natural capacity for healing and teaching others. However, until they learn how to responsibly use those gifts, they are often taken advantage of…not only by romantic partners, but people in general.
Many Empaths don’t realize what they are, and go through life feeling used and unfulfilled. The Empath persona encompasses several personality types and traits and can include:
INFJ
ENFJ
Melancholic
Introvert
Intuitive
(**These are the main types, and listed simply as a matter of reference)
Read more here: http://letmereach.com/2014/04/16/narcissists-and-empaths-the-ego-dynamic/
1. They most likely come from a toxic family/home situation. They’ve been victim to abuse in the past. They have bad relationships all around in their lives. They can’t hold on to a romantic relationship often. Most of the time, they wont put effort into progressing relationships or leaving unhealthy ones behind. Some thrive on having the unhealthy relation–more fuel for the fire.
2. They think of themselves as “Forever Victims”. These individuals cannot move on from the past. Every moment of the present is spent thinking of the past and how they feel robbed of something.
3. They end up repeating the same abuse they occurred amongst others, but refuse to be held accountable for their wrong actions because they will always see themselves as victims.
4. They’ve become incredibly self-centered as result of their victim mentality. They feel entitled to stepping on your boundaries with time, space, and resources because of their victim mentality. These are people who will try to make you feel bad if you request proper space from them. Logic and respect mean very little to these people when they are the aggressors.
5. They wear a mask for the first part of the relationship. Things between you and them, as a rule–start off very kind, safe, or like the quiet type when you meet them. A front is put up to draw you in so you wont reject them.
6. Boundaries are easily broken. Things progress too fast, you’ve had sex or you’ve seemed to become the best of friends too immediately– perhaps you thought it was great chemistry? Nope. Before you know it, you now have to listen to how they’ve been wronged in life. It becomes the most constantly discussed topic between you two. Toxic people draw you in too subtly and quickly shatter boundaries for their own wants.
7. They forcibly entangle themselves onto your life. Before you know it, they need to occupy all of your time. If you aren’t with them in person–they need to constantly talk to you through technology. If you have your own life outside of them–say goodbye if you don’t want them in it. Soon, they will have all of your friends numbers and be chatting with them perhaps without you even knowing it! Your independence will terrify toxic people. These people will go out of their way to implant themselves in every aspect of your life. It’s an obsession technique to give them control over you and your time.
8. They are terrified of being alone. They don’t like themselves no matter what front they put up. If you gain the upper hand and threaten to leave their life–they will try to feed you fake nonsense about life suddenly getting better. They’ve somehow seen the light. Toxic people will trick others into staying with them for their fear of loneliness if the victim card loses it’s appeal. They need to feel wanted and chase after what they feel their life has lacked.
9. Inability to have healthy relationships. Because of all of the listed above traits–these people fail in forming true and genuine bonds with others. They seek to create these bonds–but it can’t ever happen. They don’t have the trust, forgiveness, compassion, strength, respect, patience and understanding to have these successful relationships. It is a pattern to have unhealthy and abusive relationships.
When a person tells you how all their past girlfriends/boyfriends were “crazy”?
Red flag.
When someone tells you he never did anything wrong in relationships to make them end?
Red flag.
When a person always acts like a victim and blames others for their mistakes?
Red flag.
When they say a hurtful thing one day and then the very next day instead of apologizing they say they were “just kidding” or For you to “stop being so sensitive/emotional/needy” red mother fucking flag.
When someone never thinks they are wrong and tries to make you doubt your morals and beliefs in a way that is condescending or demeaning, fire engine red flag!
If they insult you, tell you to shut up, call you ignorant, naive or stupid? red fucking flag.
When they lie then get mad when you try to fact check them, red flag bruh.
If they throw random fits then blame you for their behavior and if you hadn’t done “this” they would have never done “that” red flag son.
If they steal from you then bitch, red flag!!!!!
If they try to manipulate you through money and gifts, saying that if you don’t act right (meaning the way they want) they won’t give them to you and you don’t deserve them. Red flag.
These instances may happen over a period of months or on a day to day basis. No matter what pick up on these red flags as soon as possible and get the fuck away from these kinda people.
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