Words of a Girl

Musing of a woman

[givenwithmoxie]

The dawn has happened

The realization that didn’t know I need to hear

From a girl who has walked a completely different life

Has beholden wonders of her own

Strived for milestones untold

To delicately place upon my soul

That I struggle to be vulnerable

Because I fear if I speak my truth

My childhood fears come true.

People will stop loving me and simply walk away

[givenwithmoxie]

I have learned that my heart is a prize.

I won’t give it away to someone who doesn’t deserve it.

I know my mind is the vast land

I won’t give real estate to those that aren’t invested in me

[givenwithmoxie]

[givenwithmoxie]

I feel so helpless when he’s hurting

I know that space is what he needs

In order to breathe.

Rehashing does him no good, it only tills the

The scars already raised.

I know that in giving him space he understands I respect his needs.

Yet I feel like I’m not giving enough to him the way he gives me to me.

[givenwithmoxie]

I fight internal wars on topics I can’t begin to understand.

[givenwithmoxie]

My mind tells me lies

To things that aren’t even true

She’s a sneaky little bitch, oh the things she can.

Running miles on end as if there is a finish line

But she knows there isn’t. She knows the loop

Like the back of her hand. She’s waiting for the next

Moment she can land another one on you.

She knows the weaknesses carved out in you.

Like a god she worships them upon you.

Feigning innocence in a fake reality.

She creates worlds upon worlds to deceive you

Knowing the mind is not wholly what it desires to be.

Slowly you fall into her web of silk. Bundled up under

The burden of self doubt, insecurities, and desire.

She takes and she takes and she takes.

With no remorse.

With no understanding

With no thought of the future.

For if the host is dead. So is she.

[givenwithmoxie]

When volcanos erupt they are loud,

Shaking everything around them

And bring a fanfare that isn’t a welcome parade.

While mountains silently stand tall.

Never moving when the forces hit.

Taking it all it

Quietly it holds the pieces together

Inside, quaking, pushing the pressure down.

Never calling out in pain.

Never whispering pleas for help

Always giving against it all

Knowing that in return diamonds will be formed.

[givenwithmoxie]

Unhealthy

I am not healthy today. I am insecure, selfish, and feeling alone. My brain betrays the feelings my heart knows well. My brain has a voice can overpower the feeling of my feelings. My feelings, they can’t speak. They only feel. The voice in my head today is a demon winning a race I cannot keep up with. I double downed today. Medicine is on the course. I’m hopeful that within a few hours I’ll feel sane again However, currently. I’m not healthy.

[givenwithmoxie]

Writing is a theraphy my soul never knew she needed until she realized she couldn't trust anything but the page

[givenwithmoxie]

Is this

Is this the human experience?

To feel the constant emotions of self doubt, self- worth. Of trying to figure out where you fit in, how you belong, and to whom, if anyone,  you should belong too?

Is this how it goes?  A funny roll coaster of lies we convenience ourselves of until we see behind the facade and plummet down again. Only to rise to another lie, and continue to merry go round?

Or is this what 30 is? Realizing that life is fleeing. You are not immortal. When you cut you bleed. When you bleed there is pain. Is it an internal war of who you were vs who you are trying to become?

Or is this what unhealthy mental health looks like? A girl in her mid thirties questions every aspect of who she is. A girl who can’t seem to feel like she is an adult, even though she acts like one. A girl who tries hard to not wear her heart on her sleeve. To avoid showing vulnerability.  Because in the end of this all she knows that she can’t rely on anyone but her self. She can’t trust anyone because it’s been so shattered by people who should have never broken that trust. A girl that holds too high of exceptions of herself and others only to be let down again and again. A girl who is heavily medicated, who thought she was better after 2 years of not feeling, who decided that she no longer needs the medication, that she would like to start feeling something again, only to realize, that those feelings hurt. They hurt so deeply. The cause unwanted tears. Unwanted thoughts of how she isn’t good enough, how she wants to much from others, how she feels as if she is a burden on others. Is this it? If it is, I don’t like it one bit.

[givenwithmoxie]

Here’s to all the Good Morning

And Hey Pretty’s

To the I’m proud of you

And the you’re beautiful texts.

To the way your hand holds mine

And the way you have to have someone walk in front of you

To the random texts of thinking about you

And the I’m craving you’s.

You’ll never quiet understand what your words mean to me

How they shape me and make me feel.

How the time you pour into me means more than anything to me.

I can’t begin to explain how much my viewpoint of myself has changed because you believe in me.

I’ve always poured my time and belief in those before myself, and somewhere along the lines I forgot myself.

I hope you know how much I believe in you. How much admire the person you are. How Wonderful I believe your mind works.

[givenwithmoxie]

Ask me

Ask me name

I will tell you it is Love.

For all my motives are driven by it.

For all my actions derive from it.

For all my needs survive on it.

Ask me.

Ask me my name

I will tell you it is Love

For it has brought me this far

For it has comforted me

For it has feed me

Ask me.

Ask me my name.

I will tell you it is Love.

For I know nothing else but it.

And I show it in the oddest ways.

I struggle to say it to others

I find ways to hide it

Ask me.

Ask me my name.

I will tell you it is Love.

It’s just hidden.

Buried a little by past transgressions

Torn around the edges

Smudged in the middle

But if you look closely you’ll see it

A bit broken but it’s there

My name is Love.

[givenwithmoxie]

Do you ever prolong the ending of a book when you connect with a character? Sometimes I’ll stop reading the book and start a new one just so I can hold on to the characters a bit longer.

Am I the only one who does this?

[givenwithmoxie]

“The nerve” she whispered

“No. The moxie,” Jennings replied back with force. That’s what I have. “You say the nerve when you’re annoyed with someone. You say moxie when you’re impressed.” She rang out, with a slight smile on her face

“And let’s be honest here, Caroline, you’re impressed with me.” Jennings finished, crossing her arms mater of factly.

Caroline had to admit, she was impressed with Jennings, but she sure as hell wasn’t going to tell her; at least not until she landed the contract with Hunter and Lakes.

“Don’t you have work to do? I think you mentioned something about a contact you were hoping not to fail on” Caroline replied, raising an eyebrow in Jennings directions.

Jennings shot Caroline a hot look before getting out of her chair. She fixed her dark purple pencil skirt and pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose. At 31, Jennings was average height with even more average looks. She was skinny by any means, she had large hips and thighs, and carried a bit of weight around her mid-section. She was so focused on her career that most of her meals where carry out or from a box. She cared little about grocery shopping, and even less about nutrition. She worked out only because it helped her alleviate the built of stress. However what she lacked in physical appearance she made up clothes. Jennings new how to hide, and the best hiding she did in clothes that showed her off.

“I don’t fail, and you damn well know it.” Jenngings said coyly.

“Yea, let’s hope not.” Caroline replied without looking from from her file. She knew she had gotten to Jennings. It was a rare feat, but she knew exactly where to push to get a reaction from her.

Jennings stared at her for a long moment before turning around. She knew Carolina was playing, at least she hoped she was.

[givenwithmoxie]

My mind is an attic

Collecting pieces likes prizes over time

Some box are ragged and torn from the constant

Flipping of the lid to relive the moments in time

While other boxes remain pristine, labeled do not touch.

Those boxes are not allowed to be open

For the over thinker my brain is

It will want to analyze the entire situation and come back to tell me where I was wrong

Those boxes hold memories we want to forget

Events we shoved aside and hide because of depth of them

There are pictures in my attic.

Moments that makes me smile.

I wipe the dust of every once in a while

To see the picture clearer. As if it just happened.

I smile.

Those pictures of people that I love

Important people in my life

People that have touched me and changed me.

Shaped me into who I am.

My attic hold cobwebs, sticky and stringy and all over the place; much like my thoughts

My attic is comforting place to be. Retelling stores of times be. Making its own stories and sheltering me.

[givenwithmoxie]

I am haunted by demons at night

As the gather by the camp fire light

Passing stories of if I am right

So, I pull up a chair and entertain their delights

Until the sunrise, when they scatter in flight

Hidden by the days fight

Only to gather again at night, by the campfire light

[givenwithmoxie]

My nose belongs in the dip of your chest, in haling you slowly like a memory so I won’t forget

My lips want to match yours and explore your heat so I can show you my need

My hands crave to run against your skin, so that I know it’s not a dream

My legs ache to glide around yours and pull you into me so that I can feel against me

My eyes search for your pools of blue to reassure me that this moment is ours

My soul sings a hum for you because you glide right I tune with it.