Self-Harm and the New Testament Christian
âPure relief ⌠It lets me step outside of myself for a few minutes and feel perfectly okay. I wish that it didnât work as a coping mechanism, but it does.â
I penned the above words while in the height of a depression that lasted almost two full years. A tragic loss of a close friend and young fellow soldier of the Cross served as the catalyst. While in route to preach in his first gospel meeting, Tate Williams was involved in a car accident that resulted in his death less than two days later. In the weeks and months that followed, I found my mind latching onto the belief that one of two statements was certain: 1) God lacks the ability to stop âevil, pain, and sufferingâ from occurring, or 2) He knows the plight of man and has the ability to prevent it, but He simply does not care.
Yes, I doubted the omnipotence and love of God, but I saved most of the blame for myself. I was supposed to be with Tate in the car the day of the accident but decided to stay home so I would not get behind in my schoolwork. I mistakenly determined during the aftermath that if I had been there to support him, things would have worked out differently and the accident very well may have been prevented altogether. Just like that, in my mind, the accident was completely my fault.
Doubt, guilt, and deep feelings of inadequacy made for an almost deadly combination that quickly spiraled out of control. Before I knew it, I was drowning in depression and turning to self-harm as my sole means of making it through the day.
Assumptions and Stereotypes
Church, this is a conversation that desperately needs to take place, yet so often is swept beneath the rug and whispered about behind closed doors because the topic scares us. Before we fulfill the purpose of this letter, I ask you, the reader, humbly to examine your own heart. Consider the stereotypes and opinions you may have concerning those struggling with self-harm, depression, and suicidal thoughts (the black clothes, hardcore âscreamoâ music, being âover-dramaticâ or âattention seeking,â and such like). Allow me to kindly ask you to take these and put them aside, prayerfully if need be, at least for the next few moments. I will add as humbly as I know how, that when I penned the opening words, I was also currently serving on an international mission field, actively serving in my home congregation, and maintaining a 4.0 GPA in college.
I was the loud, over-the-top one of my group. I was the one who cracked jokes, smiled the widest, and even filled in for the preacher on the occasional Sunday. Yet behind closed doors, I was barely eating and sleeping close to twelve (12) hours a day. Simply getting out of bed each morning was a mountain to climb.
My point is this: the people we least expect many times to be struggling with depression, much less self-harm, are silently fighting for their lives. The majority of the time they are not wearing all black clothing, dying their hair, or listening to the music that melts their brain, as we sometimes assume. Many times they wear the dresses, suits, and ties and attend worship at every service. They have honed their skills of pretending that everything is okay, but
if someone does show concern, a simple âIâm just tiredâ usually does the trick. Moreover, the children of preachers, elders, and deacons are not necessarily immune.
I hope by now that you understand why this is a conversation we need to have all throughout the brotherhood. The plague of self-harm takes few captives, many times serving as the precursor for drug abuse, alcoholism, and suicide.
Addressing a Cry for Help
Should someone (a young person, more often than not) come to you and admit to harming himself or herself, common sense should tell you that neither brushing such individuals off nor overreacting is the appropriate response. Immediately calling their parents and rushing them off to a hospital to be psychoanalyzed is one of the worst, and most harmful, approaches one could take. It will fix nothing and more than likely push them to never be comfortable enough to reach out again. They have already come to you, admitted through their actions that they realize they have a problem, and have asked for your help. In and of itself, this is the best decision they could have made and is the first step to fully addressing the issue. On the other hand, you should also remember that self-harm and suicidal thoughts usually go hand-in-hand. Ask them if they have considered suicide and if they have a specific plan. If they confirm one or both of these, keeping it quiet is simply not an option. I would still discourage an emergency room visit, but someone needs to be told.
Second, unless you are the parent, I would not recommend asking to see their cuts/scars. Even if they are simply on the wrist, oneâs scars become an extremely intimate and personal part of them. Feeling like these are on display leaves them feeling exposed and will more than likely push them back into their shell.
When it comes down to it, do not worry about having the perfect words or knowing exactly what to say in such a situation. The important thing is to let them know that you are there for them and want what is best for them. Once the initial conversation is over, do not desert them, but continue to check on them periodically! Something else to keep in mind is that even if you do not see immediate improvements on their part, it is very possible that the recovery process is already underway. Like I will mention below, recovery starts by repairing how they see themselves. When it comes down to it, they are the ones who have to make improvements. Please do not get me wrong, you can be incredibly instrumental in inspiring them, but when the rubber meets the road, they have to be dedicated to their own recovery and decide for themselves that they deserve more.
If you yourself are currently struggling with self-harm of any type or severity, know that this entire piece was written with you in mind. I hope that you will allow my story to comfort you in knowing that hope and full recovery are most definitely possible. I have been 100% self-harm clean for over a year, and it is one of the best feelings in the whole world. Granted, it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but easily the most worthwhile. Here are a few tips to help you jumpstart your recovery.
Take control of negative thoughts. During that dark time in my life, my self-image was misconstrued and totally shattered. I was overly critical to everything I thought, said, or did. Take full control and responsibility for the way you see yourself! A concept I have come across and find extremely appropriate reads something like this: If your best friend spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, how long would you allow them to be your friend? Keeping this in check is actually simpler than it sounds. Wear a rubber band on your wrist, and whenever you say or think something negative about yourself, take it off and put it on the opposite wrist. It may sound silly, but this will force you to take note mentally of how often you direct negative thoughts inward. If you want to recover, repairing how you see yourself is the first step! You might be thinking, âThat is a lot easier said than done!â I did not always have a negative self-image, and you probably have not either. It took several months for me to fall as far as I did. Unfortunately, it is probably going to take the same amount of time to repair that paradigm. Remember that God is on your team; He loves you, regardless of what you have done to yourself (Rom. 5:6-9), and He delights in forgiveness (Mic. 7:18-19).
Evaluate your media intake. Looking back, I remember the majority of the music I listened to at that point was slow and negative, despite the clean lyrics. Bands like Three Days Grace and Breaking Benjamin took up the majority of the space on my iPod. When I woke up for work/school, I listened to it as I got ready. Throughout the course of the day, it played in my car. While doing homework, I had headphones in my ears. I even fell asleep to it the majority of the time. In moderation, music as this is not a problem, but it was the constant pumping of negative music into my mind that further fueled my struggles. When I became dedicated to my own recovery, every single song I owned that âtriggeredâ me was deleted from my iPod and laptop. Instead of letting negative media drag you down, put together a playlist of songs that cheer you up and make you feel in control of your day (cf. Luke 11:34; Phil. 4:4-9; 2 Tim. 1:7).
Find something to replace your self-harm. If you are going to overcome this, you need somethingâanythingâto replace those negative habits. For me, it was running. I would keep a pair of sneakers and some shorts in the trunk in my car. Whenever I had a stressful day at work and knew that if I went home, I would be tempted to self-harm, I would slip on my sneakers, forget about distance or pace, and just run, losing my temptations and stress in the effort. However, it does not have to be running! When you feel the need to self-harm, have a fallback plan. Pick up your guitar, knitting needles, or game controllerâwhatever you need to do to keep yourself occupied. Remember that harming yourself is, in fact, a sin (1 Cor. 6:19-20), but God is faithful! He will not let you face a temptation that you cannot overcome with His help (1 Cor. 10:13; Phil. 4:13; 2 Pet. 2:9). Submit yourself to God (James 4:7), cast your cares upon Him (Heb. 4:15-16; 1 Pet. 5:7), and He will deliver you (Ps. 34:17-19)! Each time you resist temptation and choose to do something else, you will get just a little bit stronger, and it will be just a little bit easier.
Control your triggers. For some reason, I am really sensitive to chocolate and caffeine. Having too much makes my heartrate pick up and leaves me feeling lightheaded and triggered in the process. I still drink coffee and eat chocolate pretty regularly, but I know my limits now, and I do not push them. Moreover, there are three or four songs that to this day make it hard for me to stay positive and focused. For obvious reasons, I avoid those specific songs like the plague. For you, it may be totally different! Whatever your triggers are, identify them sooner rather than later and get rid of them completely (Rom. 13:14). Do not give yourself the opportunity to be âentangled again with the yoke of bondageâ (Gal. 5:1; Rom. 6:16, 23)!
Consider getting professional help. This is the only tip I will give you that, unfortunately, I myself did not utilize. Several close friends recommended I do so, and while I reached out to a few trusted adults, I never contacted a licensed therapist. I felt if I admitted to needing professional help, I was admitting to being broken and weak. On this side of recovery, I realize that the opposite is true. Sitting down with a licensed professional (preferably a member of the New Testament church) is a sign of strength, determination and a commitment to improving yourself. While you can most definitely improve without it, I personally would have made a more efficient recovery had I overcome my fears. Chances are good that there are free resources in your area. If not, find a trusted person with whom you can pray (Gal. 6:2; James 5:16), encourage and periodically check on you.
Meditate upon and find comfort in the word of God. Here are some passages of which I am personally fond wherein you may find comfort as well (Ps. 40:9-13; Ps. 91:1-16; Zeph. 3:17; Mic. 7:18-19).
I want to emphasize the fact that I am not a licensed counselor. There are probably several people throughout the church who can communicate this topic better than I can, which is fine. The point of this was to start a discussion and remind ourselves that none of us are perfect people. How many times do we fill the pews each service as âgood Christiansâ are supposed to do, and all the while we are struggling with depression, anger, fear, doubt in God and such like? Regardless of your situation, I pray that you find peace. May God bless us as we strive to glorify Him through our earthly bodies!
