Tony’s four when he first touches a wire. When he first holds a hammer. When he sees the metal shape under his fingers. When he traces the screws he just placed on his creation.
He’s four when he first makes something, when he learns how the blue screen that is computer works, when he sees his dad smile proudly.
He has the dream life. His ego is sky-high, he’s a god. He has enough money to gamble without risks, he can get anyone he wants with just one line and after he has sex he escapes into his sanctuary.
He gets to feel the burn of alcohol in his throat and smooth skin beneath his fingers and everything empty in him is filled with designs.
He was a teen the first time he learned that sometimes his father failed. He’s in boarding school and finds a computer and he finds out that Howard never could make anything that flies. When he asks his dad shouts at him for being ungrateful.
When he hovers half an inch off the ground he falls. It’s all filmed, and god knows that even though JARVIS is an AI, he’s dying to release that footage.
But then he’s flying. The wind isn’t in hair but the adrenaline is in his veins. If he wouldn’t be flying he’d fall, he thinks. He shrieks in joy. Crash, he goes, of course. But-
The expo burns in the background. He can still smell the smoke. His ears are ringing from the explosions. It’s the moment he realizes that he hadn’t privatized world peace. He feels the metal that he knows will be his doom and savior against his palms.
But he also sees Pepper’s blue-blue-blue eyes. He can smell her perfume. He can hear her breathless panting. It’s the moment he realizes he loves her. He can feel her lips against his.
He hovers a little above the ground. He’s in a circle with his teammates, who he knows will have his back. He can see the aliens in front of him.
He feels safe and powerful. He feels understood and loved. He feels exactly what Rhodey told him he felt in the army.
The code flows on the screen. He knows his fingers are the ones responsible. He looks up to the sphere in front of him and thanks it. He looks to Bruce and he’s so grateful for him.
He knows soon the world would be safe. If Ultron would work… he could take Pepper and run away with her forever.
He knows the kid is new and not technically his. But when he sees him invent something side by side him, or when they are training back to back, it feels like this kid has always been his.
The bruises on face and back and hands ache. His head thumps painfully and his eyes are so dry it hurts. It feels like his heart is the most wounded, though.
And his dad walks away like it’s he’s nothing.
He says goodbye to Rhodey. He says goodbye to Pepper. He says goodbye to Happy. He tells them all he loves them. They can’t hear, and they never will.
The water fills his lungs and he can’t breathe. He feels like he’s crying but he can’t tell what is water and what is his tears, even when he’s pulled out of the tub by his hair. He’s never more mortal.
He flies straight into a portal filled with black. He let’s go of the rocket. He’s floating.
If he wasn’t filled with terror and panic he would feel depressed and tired. His eyes shut close.
Pepper walks away. He can hear her heels clicking on the floor, away-away-away from him. He barely registers the words she had said to him. It’s the moment he realizes he can’t live without her. All he feels is cold.
He’s filled with blinding anger. He doesn’t fight with amusement, instead, he barely talks. He’s just calculating his next moves and nothing else. He thinks the frown on his face will be permanent. The cuts and bruises on his body burn as bright as his rage.
But then the shield slices through his arc-reactor heart. And the betrayal stings more than anything else he’s feeling.
He looks down at the deep pit he left on the ground. He looks as the cords he rips from the core of the flying city fall down. If he wasn’t on a mission, he would wish he would fall down with them. Have the city crash him to death.
He thinks of the vision of all his teammates dying. It almost happened. Because of him.
The kid turns to dust by Tony’s side. He feels more alone than he ever did, even though there is still an alien by his side. It feels like he’s the one who was turned to dust. He looks at his hands hoping he maybe would.
He’s burning to death. His skin is screaming. He can smell it happen. He can feel the poison sipping into his cells. He has the worst headache of his life. He’s painfully aware that he has this power that he hates at the tip of his fingers.
But he breathes through the pain. When he closes his eyes he can see who he’s doing this for - Morgan. When he opens his eyes, he sees Thanos’ shocked face. It hurts too much to smile, but he feels like he’s smiling. It might be the widest he ever smiled.
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