everything i hear on "the life of a showgirl" that prevents me from ever enjoying the album:
1. the fate of ophelia: "i would have killed myself rather than end up single"
2. elizabeth taylor: "feel sorry for me even though i'm richer than god and we're in the middle of a cost of living crisis"
3. opalite: "i finally met my real love! not like those other times when i said i had finally met my real love. sure, i'm thirty-five and should probably realise love can be real even if it doesn't last, but i haven't, and now I won't have to, because i swear this time is the realest love, unlike the other times i said that exact thing with prettier words"
4. father figure: "i've learnt to emulate the people who screwed me over and i'm gonna act as though that's a good thing"
5. eldest daughter: "my boyfriend has a history of dating black women and that makes me feel insecure"
6. ruin the friendship: "platonic relationships are inherently inferior to romantic ones, which is why instead of wishing i could have spent more time with this man who is now dead, i'm wishing i had risked ruining our relationship instead"
7. actually romantic: "you wrote a vulnerable song about how insecure i make you feel? what are you in love with me or something?”
8. wishlist: "people who want things other than the picket fence life are so superficial when compared to me: a person who already has all those other things"
9. wood: "i swear the sex is good. i fucking swear is good. why does nobody believe me i'm telling you-”
10. cancelled: you know how in 2018 every conservative comedian was coming out with a special about how edgy they were for being cancelled even though they were on netflix? taylor now hangs out with people who thought those jokes were funny!
11. honey: taylor's worst experience with pet names is being condescended to by women. this is why she thinks it's prudent to put "you can call me honey if you want" on a hoodie marketed towards teenage girls and young women.
12. the life of a showgirl: "real showgirls were often victims of horrific abuse, but while this hasn't happened to me, i will go ahead and continue to pretend our experiences are comparable while i claim i wouldn't have it any other way"