I ran across a thread that kind of ticked me off today and I’m going to try and articulate why in a way that isn’t stupid or confusing.
It was talking about aging mostly past age 30 as an alterhuman and “settling into your identity” and “becoming humanized.” Basically they were saying that after reaching a certain age, alterhumans lose the potent investment and intimacy they once had in their identities as they experience more adult responsibilities and societal expectations.
I don’t necessarily think this take is entirely incorrect, but I think it was extremely over generalizing and alienating especially to somebody like me. Look, I get it. People’s identities change over time. Sometimes you may find that your identity has been drowned by the big adult persona character you’ve had to build to get through life. If it happened to you, it’s ok. It’s not like you’re evil for it or whatever.
What bothered me was the insinuation that it’s a normal thing that happens to everyone. That it’s nice. That we all want this. That my and a lot of other alterhuman’s intimate and passionate involvement in their identities is a byproduct of novelty. That we’re silly and young even. It was just giving “oh you silly younguns, one day you’ll quiet down and grow up and humanize. One day you won’t care so much. It’s just called growing up!! Don’t fight it!”
Listen dude. I’m in my mid 20s. I have been vibrantly an animal since I was born and I found this community at 15. It has not calmed down. I have never found that “settling into my identity” meant becoming comfortable in human society. I have never ever lived a day where I have not been constantly aware of the fact that I do not belong here and that I am an animal wearing a human skin. I feel this identity to my very core. It is inherent to my existence and always has been. It has not gone away. It has not “settled” by the definition given in the thread.
And so what does that make me? Silly? Childish?
And what does that imply about my peers in this community? Is my ability to relate to and share experiences about how being a therian affects every day life and how we can experience euphoria and how we can enrich our lives as alterhumans and express our dysphoria and the ways we don’t fit in just a fleeting moment in time? A gift from youth that is quickly coming to an end for me? How much time is left before I am once again the odd one out. Will I always be too intense? Even for strange misfit communities? Will I be left behind as everyone’s identities are put in the basement, crushed by the overwhelming weight of social expectations for older adults?
This reminds me of something.
I am autistic. I don’t really adhere to social rules the way others do. I also don’t follow rules I don’t understand.
Since I was a kid, I’ve never thought it was necessarily childish to play, just something children did. I mean all the animals play into adulthood. I never understood why playing had to take away from your maturity or intelligence. In fact I thought it was immature to worry about being seen as “very grown up” and to do everything you can to seem big.
I still remember when everyone just suddenly stopped playing. Playing was one of the only ways I could express my strangeness as a child. It was creative and whimsical and explorative and you could be whatever you wanted to be. And then everyone suddenly stopped. And I didn’t understand why. I tried to keep playing. Nobody wanted to play with me. I became silly and childish and strange. The people who ran around in the woods with me were suddenly straightening their hair before class and wanted nothing to do with me. Sitting there on their phones. Talking about things I wasn’t interested in. And so, I had to accept that I’d never play with anyone again. And it has always been a deep heartbreak for me, since the very last time I played.
I grieve it. I dream about it. And some part of me still hopes maybe one day I’ll meet somebody who’s unbothered enough to play with me again.
Is this what you’re trying to say is going to happen to me one day with being alterhuman? That I’ll once again be left behind? Am I going to experience the confusion of watching everyone cease to care about something we collectively cared so deeply about? Again? Don’t say that.
I’m sorry. I’ve been like this my whole life. 15 was the age I realized I belonged in this community. That is a whole decade. And I have always been an animal as faithfully as it feels to cry. As raw as an open wound. It has been the only thing I’ve known.
Don’t say it’s about growing up.
If it is, I hope some of you stay behind with me. I don’t want to be alone.
