The Diary of Cygnus, the Great Dame

One woman's place to shout her throughts into the void and happily not having to do it on a platform that only gives 280-characters a post, and is being run by one of the richest people in the world who wore a Wario costume in an SNL skit.

[greatdamecygnus]

It sucks that I kind of lost a lot of contact from people on Twitter, but I can’t justify staying on a platform that is now encouraging even more toxic behavior, that reinstated someone (sorry, a horse loose in a hospital) who is the poster-child of hate and opportunity, and is now owned by a guy who said that Welbutrin should be banned. 

[greatdamecygnus]

Let’s Talk Bemani! Favorite songs that everyone should listen to at least once [GITADORA, V1] (2022)

I’ve always wanted to have a “Bemani Corner” of sorts when it came to blogs and what better opportunity than to do it now?

Some context: Many people know me as a dance game or a DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) player. Some have seen me get ridiculous scores in the game online, and others have also met me in person and have seen me compete. It’s really cool to meet a lot of people, but many do not know I grew up with BEMANI games. Rhythm and music games were a very influential part of my life growing up and it still continues to be. I’ve made myself known for dance games because it’s more mainstream than a lot of other ones. If I say “Beatmania IIDX” or “Sound Voltex” or “GITADORA”, nobody will even have a clue as to what they are, whether it’s a stranger on the street or someone who plays video games.

The games have produced such incredible songs througout the years, and it’s pushed the boundaries of video game music alongside many other games making an impact. Today, I’m actually not going to talk about the songs from DDR! I am going to list out a couple of songs from GITADORA, or as some may know previously as GuitarFreaks and Drummania. 

Why GITADORA? GITADORA is a game I feel is severely underrated. This game, while slowly building popularity for arcade-goers and music gamers alike (particularly for drums), it gets overlooked quite often. Whether that’s because it’s more rock/guitar-based and not as electronic-heavy, or because it’s not something that the public eye has really put a spotlight on, OR even because it doesn’t have a huge competitive scene yet, this particular game has some of the most incredible music I’ve ever heard in a BEMANI game. It’s one of those games I will say that even if you don’t play the game or have no intention on playing it, don’t sleep on the soundtracks.

While the list below isn’t extensive, these are the top five songs I’d love for anyone who is a guitar-loving, drum-banging, melody-adoring, person to listen to!

pain - BEMANI Sound Team “TOMOSUKE” feat. Jazzin’ parka & frances maya

With a catchy and jazzy beat and such hauntingly beautiful vocals, BEMANI composer TOMOSUKE hits it out of the park with pain, an EXCHAIN unlock that makes for a really good song to dance to or nod your head with while playing. The last time we’ve seen Jazzin’ park and Frances Maya on a song was in walk with you from GuitarFreaks/Drummania V6. This song doesn’t need any more explanation: just start dancing to it at full volume in your house (I mean, I do). 

グリーンリーフ症候群 (Green Leaf Syndrome) - red glasses feat.岡 聡志

While GITADORA has what feels like an endless list of prog-rock, Green Leaf Sydrome is one of those songs that has this almost incomprehesible mystical uniqueness to it. Being one of the Encore Stages for EXCHAIN, Green Leaf is an epic song with an incredible melody and a terrific piano backing track to guide you through this unforgettable composition. This is Yuuji Yoshizawa a.k.a red glasses’ only entry into the GITADORA series so far, with much of his work being in NOSTALGIA, another BEMANI music game where gameplay focuses on playing a piano to keysounds. For his first song in the GITADORA series? Good lord.

Before Daybreak - TAG

TAG (Yasuhiro Taguchi) has been featured in many BEMANI games. However, many don’t realize that TAG, despite his incredible influences in Dance Dance Revolution and Beatmania IIDX, composed his first song, El Dorado, in 2006 for GuitarFreaks and Drummania V3! Before Daybreak made its first appearance in Guitarfreaks and Drummania XG, retaining TAG’s signature guitar composition that you hear distinctly in songs like 1/n or CHRONOS. Did I also mention that Before Daybreak has its own unique music video? Originally removed in XG2, it eventually came back in GITADORA years later. The video follows a satellite’s journey through space (or at least, that’s what I gathered, aha)

キヤロラ衛星の軌跡 (Kirarora Satellite Trajectory) -  工藤吉三(ベイシスケイプ) 

Trust me when I say this: had I not known this was from GITADORA, my instinct would make me believe that this was a final boss song for an RPG. Kirarora Satellite Trajectory is a one-of-a-kind song in GITADORA that musically takes you on an emotional ride with upbeat highs and elegant lows. Again, it’s very pro-rock and there are so many ways I could describe this song, but honestly, have a listen and make that assessment yourself! Kirarora Satellite Trajectory was one of the first Premium Encore stages in EXCHAIN, and just recently became an addition into Dance Dance Revolution A3 as part of an unlcok event.

overviews - vox

Okay, hear me out: I know this song is not over there but I will still recommend people to give it a listen. Overviews is a sequel to one of the most well-known songs in GFDM, over there. However, this song takes a little bit of a different approach. Instead of sounding like its predecessor that comes off bold, memorable, and downright orchestraic at times, overviews takes a more subtle approach, being more of an upbeat serenade that, like over there, is taking you on yet another musical journey. This song can be a little bit divisive for fans of the game as it doesn’t seem to capture the spark that its brother has, but for me, it’s a great song nonetheless.

[greatdamecygnus]

(11/21) Many countries, no home

I’ve been down about my ethnic background a little lately. 

When I was heading back home from Ohio a couple of weeks ago, I had the opportunity to watch some in-flight movies that I’ve been meaning to get to. The first one I watched and that hit me the hardest during the flight was Selena. With Edward James Olmos playing Selena’s father, a line that I took away was a personal struggle that I’ve always faced, even as an adult: “We have to be more Mexican than the Mexicans and more American than the Americans, both at the same time! It’s exhausting!”

For those who haven’t seen the movie or who haven’t watched it in a very long time, he refers to needing to be “twice as perfect”, and that you’re never enough for both cultures if you’re of mixed descent. Selena is Mexican-American. I am Japanese-Mexican-Polish-American. And something that’s been bothering me quite a bit to the point of tears a couple of weeks ago is still continued lack of belonging. I’ve carried a lot of this since I was a kid.

Growing up, I had never fit into any crowd. And honestly, I still don’t. I wasn’t “Japanese” enough because, like Selena, growing up I didn’t know the language or follow all the cultural standards or social conventions -- long dark hair, quiet and conserved, ridiculously polite, excelling at everything and anything (although that is also just very much an asian thing). I wasn’t “White” enough because, well, I didn’t look white. I think the only one I have never really been criticized for, funny enough, is being Hispanic: between me having very expansive knowledge of some food, cultural traditions, and influences, it’s never been an issue. In terms of being able to speak the language, I used to be able to speak Spanish okay after taking it in school for so long, but now it’s piecemeal.

I love my friends a lot. I love my partner a lot. But none of them are ever going to understand what it’s like being multiple races at once, and never fitting into any one place. I think my brother probably felt (and maybe still feels) the same way too. My friends are homogenized in that they rarely stray from their own circles, whether they recognize it or not. The thing is too, none of them are going to be a part of an eternal guessing-game when you get introduced.

“What are you?” I get. I tell people my ethnicities. They find it interesting.

Unfortunately, my anxiety brain made a conclusion (which is very well possible) that for some people, I’m not their type because I don’t fit into their cultural circle. And that pains me because it means that, at least lately, I will never be white or “whiter”. I don’t think people realize that it’s a constant struggle for me. 

Two weeks ago, I got to meet a music artist and producer who is born and raised Japanese and who could barely speak English. A lot of us had a good laugh when some of the people who attended this event that this producer was at got “nihongo jouzu’d”. For those not particularly in the know, it’s a joke from an American who is fluent in Japanese (with correct inflections which is super difficult to train) who mentions that most Japanese people from Japan will say condescendingly “nihongo jouzu desu ne?” (You’re Japanese is good) toward foreigners trying to speak the language. 

I ended up getting that line from him, and for three seconds, I wanted to burst out crying in utter embarassment, but then he had said in Japanese after saying that line, (my comprehension is much better than my speaking), “out of everyone I’ve talked to so far, your Japanese is ACTUALLY good”. It was one of the very few affirmations I’ve ever really gotten from a cultural perspective.

It sure as hell quelled the constant anxiety of “tu espanol es muy malo” or “your eyes are slanted, though” or even “anata wa nihonjin ja nai”. 

I know my parents had imparted onto me to reject conformity and to forge my own path. I don’t (really) regret what I’ve become, but the road is really lonely and it gets hard at times. I love me, but it is also difficult at times to be me.

[greatdamecygnus]

(11/19) A lounge with no music

Kind of a bummer yesterday to go to our local (and historic) jazz lounge to find that it’s being contracted by a bar to be open three days a week... but with no music. This place was open for decades up until COVID completely wiped it out. From what I hear, it’s a shell of its former self with a grand ballroom, empty tables and plush couches, and a miniscule bar taking a backseat to an already vacant space. Unfortunately, I dressed up for the occasion for nothing, but hey, at least my lipstick game felt more on point that usual!

It was quite sad, but the hotel itself was really nice though! Got to get Cosmopolitans with my best friend and their partner, and another really close friend from out of town had recently flown down. Overall, a pretty good night, but man, I feel like I just sleep at 2am now constantly. 

Ugh.

[greatdamecygnus]

I’m back after 8 years, jesus christ.

(I can’t believe these are words I’m going to write)

Since the Twitpocalypse seems to actually be happening this time, I have returned to the Tumblrsphere. I went through some of my posts and you know what’s funny? I didn’t cringe too much at them. I do miss writing poems and prose about some of the dreams I’ve had when I was battling the peak of my depression. I was going to delete them but decided to keep them for you all to read if you’re someone I know from Twitter. You can get a glimpse of 2016 Cygnus: please don’t judge her, she was going through a hard time. Also, Alan Rickman, the only actor I’ve ever really love and adored so much inside and outside acting, just passed away that year and it really hit me hard. Maybe I’ll get into that a little at some point.

Honestly, a small part of me is happy to be back. I have so many topics that I love talking and chatting about, and sometimes I do want to share some of my personal thoughts without it being contained in multiple threads @ 280 characters a piece. I think a part of me hated Twitter because there was never a way to separate myself without having to make different accounts, and it limited my personal expression and feelings, too.

If you decide to follow me on here and you’re from Twitter: awesome! I might actually have an incentive to actually post meaningful shit for once and not be limited to honking and DDR scores. Time for a new beginning! 🤍🦢

[greatdamecygnus]

Sign

It’s a very funny thing, How life throws you signs. One minute does the light go out, But then, a tiny speck, Just emanates. 

I constantly feel like, This world I live in, Is Fake, Disorienting, Fearing, Superficial. And most of the time, I find myself asking, Who do I trust? Do I choose to trust? Do I try? Or should I just die? But it’s still a funny thing, When you feel you’re alone, And a sign pops up, To tell you, ‘it’s okay’.

[greatdamecygnus]

Take Me

Is it so selfish of I, With these words of mine, To ask you, Sincerely, To take me? To have me in your arms, Your fingers in my hair, Your body pressed to mine, And take me? While days go by, My mouth so dry, My voice so strained, My lips would not pry. For I interpret my wishes  For whiny, spoiled atrociousness, Even with these requests, Are nothing less than an opinion, A suggest. Can I be selfish with my, Hands, Words and Lips, And try, For once in my life, To take you as mine? Can I kiss your forehead, Hold your hands, Bring you close, Without feeling morose?

[greatdamecygnus]

Into the Virtual Insanity - 10 (The End)

White faded to grey, Grey to black, Black to the deepest black. I closed my eyes, labored sigh, Wondering why, I had to make myself cry. The headset lifted from my face, A fast race, To bring myself back to place. Home I was, Setting the headset down, Besides the picture of the both of us, Happy days never a must. I could only live in the illusion so long, Where he’ll never return to me, Virtual reality never the key, But virtual insanity, A regret that I bring. It is so hard to let go, From the happy days of you and I, But it’s time to realize, Fantasy or otherwise, Memories won’t bring you back, But your heart, your soul, your mind, Will fulfill what I lack. I smile at our picture, the one by my hand, And hope to god, I’ll see you again.

-End

[greatdamecygnus]

Into the Virtual Insanity - 9

White. Back to White. Plain, bright, blank White. My vision was foggy and blurry, But the man stood still  In front, My spine in chills. The tears that flowed, Were definitely that of sadness, But instead of feeling upset, It was longing. Longing for something that truly wasn’t there. I took steps to him, And him to me, To where we took each other in arms, With no notion of harm. “I’m going to go home”, I said, Sliding my hands away. And he nodded in reply, Knowing today was the day. Kissing my forehead, He started to step away, Into the light, Out of sight. And here I stood, once again, Alone, In Solitude, In Solus, Wondering when, I’d truly choose To break free.

[greatdamecygnus]

Into the Virtual Insanity - 8

Blink. A beautiful sunset beach. Warm sand. Cooling winds. Sounds of seagulls filling the summer air. Blink. The night-time carnival ride we went on every year, Seeing the world’s brilliant lights overhead, Only for you and me. Blink. The snowy park, adorned in white, Stones covered in powdered crystal, The day where you proposed to me. Blink. Everything was starting to get foggy, My eyes finally giving way to tears, My vision blurred, But making out the small details of our home The hearth, the heart, the hem. Blink. Foggy windows, foggy eyes, Rain pattering on car windows, Watching the trees pass me by, All with the passage of time. Blink. Keep Blinking. Millions of Blinks, Millions of Memories. Blink. Blink. Blink.

[greatdamecygnus]

Into the Virtual Insanity - 7

Openness. My eyes were straining and tired, But still managed determination. A dim warehouse, a bar, People socializing, people happy. The ceiling flashed with huge gold stars, Illuminated by dandelion lights. Although every since movement, Breathing, Walking, Drinking,  Eating, Flickering, All were slow, then fast,

Like a rubber band being pulled back and forth.  I could see him in a corner, scotch in hand, Ringing the ice in it like a church bell.  I walked to him, amist the rubber bands around me, Grabbed him hand, and escorted him to the middle. I brought him close to me, My arms embracing, Swaying back and forth, To the mellow, ethereal music. He brought me close as well And then it truly hit me, A certain kind of melancholy, Where tears started to pool In the depths of my eyes.  I grasped onto his shirt, The people turning from human, To mannequin.  This wasn’t eternal: Nothing would be. I looked up at him, and him down to me, Our eyes locking, His full of understanding, And mine with remorse. I gave a weak smile as I caressed his face, And proceeded to blink. Hesitantly.

[greatdamecygnus]

Into the Virtual Insanity - 6

The vines, the vines, Adorning every crevice of the cobblestone walls, Painted with the lavender colors of wisteria, And the playful magenta of the peony. It was a complete, enclosed garden, Full of solitude, yet full of purity, Almost untouched, And yet, the owner was I. Was there truly a definition of beauty, From the effervescent petals around, Or was beauty something Only one could see in one lifetime? I continued my walk, Brushing aside the emerald branches, Walking to the center, Curiosity surrender. He stood in front of me, White rose in hand, Glacier White, With a touch of snow. He knelt to me, my hand reaching, For the melancholy flower, So pure, so different. By touching this flower, did I see, The man’s elegant figure, Burst into blossoms. Pieces of alabaster flora Flying in the breeze, So slowly, so dramatically, It was a sight to behold, Until I blinked.

[greatdamecygnus]

Into the Virtual Insanity - 5

Blindness. Darkness. Emptiness. Blackness. Sounds of clacking, sounds of oxfords, Closer, Louder, Fuller. It stops. Wrists, bound with links of steel and iron, Ankles wrapped in heavy grey, The fingers of a stranger touching, Sliding, Caressing my face from behind. His hand weaving through my hair, From the nape of my neck to the  top of somewhere. A sharp gasp, Primal instinct, frozen in time. I felt him leaning to my ear, blowing on it gently, Shivers running down my spine. I could feel a sly grin, A menacing chuckle, A twinkling of devious satisfaction. There are no words to come from this mouth of mine, With hands that sat on my shoulders that were not mine, But something of that which was mine, An imagination, a realization of mine, Thine blindfolded eyes, which a blink was mine. And just like that, the garden was mine.

[greatdamecygnus]

Into the Virtual Insanity - 4

It was a beautiful field, Endless and green, Not a yellowed blade in sight, Nor a cloud in the sky. I laid there as the field embraced me, Listening to the silky winds, That were taking me away. I turned my head to see him, His long hair in his face, But an unreal smile appeared, One of solace And one of grace. Our bodies faced away from each other, But our eyes were locked so true, And from my mouth, I said in a whisper, “Remember this moment? It was long overdue.” He nodded so lightly, Lighter than a zephyr, The world around us  Coming to a halt.

My soul had surrendered to the jade in his eyes, And the world around me too, had surrendered to time. The grass in the gales had frozen above, Frozen, So we may have this moment. I brought my face to his And he, his lips, And just as we were to kiss, I closed my eyes And regret I felt, For forgetting my curse, As I soon found myself In a world of darkness.

[greatdamecygnus]

Into the Virtual Insanity - 3

Slipping to a new moment, Walking in midair, Under a beautiful cerulean sea, With a golden sunset. His hand was still in mine, Guiding, Unrelenting, Like a fastened car seat belt: protecting and clasping. The things we ran by, Were too good to be true, A platinum and silver carousel, with its horses still a-gallop. Teddy bears, Cookies, Sweets and Cake, It was a world of imagination, And he, the clever mesmer. I asked him “What is this?”, Yelling with the wind, But he turned to me whilst walking, His finger at his lips. He shushed me kindly, With a grin on his face. This must have been a secret, That only we can see. Passing by whales who were dancing with the clouds, Clams that flapped with the mid-evening’s gale, A flock of pale ducks, with bow-ties on necks, And boats with treasure trees, What would I see next? He stopped dead in tracks to turn to me, Laughed all suddenly, Somewhat horrifically. The grasp of his hand went from a rock to a feather, And there I was now, Falling down to wherever. I watched his gaze, While making the descent. And terrified I was, But without any resent. I hit the water hard, But this moment had passed, As I dipped into the ocean, And now laid on the grass.

[greatdamecygnus]

What is Understanding

Do you know that feeling, When you’re just so tired from a day of work, A day of constants, A day, that always keeps going, Yet never looks back? Do you know that feeling, When time is truly of the essence, Fleeting before your eyes, Trying to catch it like a sunray on your cheek. The irony here, you see, Is that you know the feeling, And that feeling replaces all feelings, Overwriting your life’s files, With a complete blank. And because you are blank, Mostly, you have forgotten how to live. So when someone yells at you for not being happy, For not doing something, For not trying, Just know one thing, They have not yet learned, What is Understanding.

[greatdamecygnus]

Into the Virtual Insanity - 2

She opened her eyes to feel her hand, In the hand of another, Smooth, masculine, caring and kind. She looked around to see that they were seated, In a vintage, wooden, noble cafe.

The walls were dressed with a purple white striped paper, The floors composed of finely brushed mahogany, The cabinets were lined with alabaster tea cups, And the store smelled of lavender. He sat in front of her, his eyes fixated, On her young, innocent face, aged by depression. She attempted to tear his grip from hers, Embarrassed about her visage. But the man smiled and put his other hand on hers, His green eyes so quiet but so reassuring, “A woman like yourself, so elegant, So poised, Never should you be ashamed, Because you’re perfect the way you are.” He brought my hand to his lips, So softly and so gingerly, And kissed it so respectfully, With gentlemen’s chivalry. What caught me off guard was his gentle demure, His hand so big that he made me seem small. The coyness of his grin, sardonic, yet sad, I wonder if he felt the same way about himself? I blinked for a moment, And all that had happened was for only a moment. For that moment brought us, Warped into swiftly the moment of another.