I feel like my girlfriend doesn’t understand my mood changes and my ed, and even thinking about trying to explain to her makes me feel really stupid bc she’s always joking and can seem kinda rude at times and then she feels bad for making me sad over dumb stuff and,,, it’s all very complicated. The sole reason I’m recovering is for her. I know it’s not healthy but I tried it before and with nothing to motivate me to be better, I relapsed within a week. She makes me feel pretty most of the time, but I don’t wanna gain weight. I’ve already gained 5 pounds, probably more, I don’t wanna find out. Sounds like nothing but it’s a lot compared to what I managed to lose in almost half a year. Today I’m so bloated, I hadn’t seen my stomach get this big in months, and I wanted to purge so bad but I didn’t just because of her. Still, I can see it. I can feel it. I have no clue how to dress tomorrow without feeling like a whale. I exercised for the first time in like half a month but it did not help me feel better whatsoever. I can’t stop crying. I did not overeat today, I’ve been trying to eat a normal amount for some weeks now and my body just wants revenge. I can’t eat normal amounts without gaining a lot of weight anymore. This fucking terrifies me. I don’t wanna keep skipping meals yet I can’t bring myself to have breakfast, and then I eat “a lot” when I get home (aka normal amount but unhealthy, or liquid calories, or even end up throwing half away if it’s actually a lot). I don’t wanna do diets, I don’t wanna count calories, I don’t wanna cut out any food groups or think of foods as good or bad. I wanna be fucking happy. My girlfriend wants me to be okay and I don’t think she understands why I can’t just stop feeling this way. I’m really tired, there’s no quick fix to bloating and now I just have to spend all day thinking about how I can’t avoid certain foods or purge and I’m gonna keep gaining weight and feeling like shit
