Untitled @greenteathorn - Tumblr Blog

Overwhelmed

so much has happened in the past month. i got back with my gf - broke my pelvic bone and dug myself into debt (also doing a ton of overtime to help even things out).

My dad is not doing well. He got out of the hospital Thursday, my brothers are trying there best to help make things work.

Its hard being in another country away from them, i wish i could do more for my family. I miss them.

Work is so intense at the moment, my love life is good but my finances are in shambles.

Trying to be less of a yes girl.

Strange how its had to let go of past ghosts, they are no longer here but i feel them and their emotions linger. Im in a strange place, but im working though it. i cant believe this is the last year of me being “young”.

So it has definitely been a min. I'm not sure where I left off. As of right now I'm living in a brand new apartment. It's been a crazy couple of months, with everything going on in regards to COVID - Being on lock down, and the freak winter storm that just happened! I'm ready to get back to basics after months of on and off craziness. It's wild how much I have gone through in the past couple of months both personally and professionally. I'm looking forward to the summer! Ive been thinking about possibly doing a secret podcast. I don't wanna put myself out there in regards to my identity but I definitely think it would be fun to do a podcast and just get some things off my chest. I was thinking about doing a muk bang on YouTube but the set up in regards to that is a little much. I don't know I feel like I have a lot to say and I think people would definitely be interested in hearing it, however putting my opinion out there also opens me up to getting checked. so I'm not 100% sure if that's something that I wanna do.

Today was a chill day.

Going though the motions same ol same. Summer is peeling away at all of us. The heat is so intense my AC is having issues keeping up. Idk where this year has gone, i feel like its a throw away. My body is still ever changing but so is my face. I hate that I’m past my golden years and I’m in another strange year of transitions.

I’m gardening again though, which has totally eased my nerves. Work and my friends lives seem to be very chaotic, they share similar energies.

I’m not sure where I’m going or what direction or path I’m trying to get on. I feel like something big is going to happen soon. I fear that the days of normal life may be behind us.

Today was a better day.

Work seems to be picking up, pushing myself to beat those around me is critical. I fell into a lower space vs my counterparts which was discouraging.

However I finished off with the highest personal score ever. Something about today was different in a both refreshing and calming way.

Green tea helped out a lot to calm my nerves, Art is always telling me to do it but I wasn’t much of a fan...until now.

Love has finally decided to go back into boxing. Strange how its odd to see him get back into the groove of things.

Rona is still marching on, no end it site..

Today i sent the butterflies some things to welcome in their spring. It was sweet seeing how excited they all were.

Ive been slacking on getting my personal body back to basics, I don’t want to slip back into old habits, i need to back into things.

Life seems to require so many masks at times, i tend to mismatch them and or wonder what kind of trouble or karma i am conjuring up for myself with wearing them

I often wonder which mask is me the most and feel guilt for finding bits of glee for being other versions of myself that are not authentic.

Of all things that run through my mind, from my aging skin to money and savings, i worry wholeheartedly about my ma and family.

I fell guilt for not being able to better assist my brother in everything he does for my ma. I don’t feel guilt but then i do for not being more reliable with my communication with ma. She tends to bring out the worst in me in some ways, anxiety and depression and also feelings of rage.

I haven’t had a nightmare in ages over it which is great, i used to wake up crying with the helpless rage i felt feeling trapped in a vicious cycle of chaos living at home.

As messed up and lost, damaged and sad i was with living at home, I don’t think anyone could have understood what i was going though or how i was dealing with it. Ive found that I’ve had to survive, i didnt have a choice.

It’s something that came up within myself during this transaction period, sink or swim, live or die, stay down or get up.

So much still rings in my ears, even after the ringing has stopped. But i know tomorrow is another day, the sun will rise and the moon will too, i am greatful for another day, my puppies and my friends and family.

Till then

Soooo

Things have definitely change since i last time wrote.

I’m no longer in that space that we once were left at, I’m in a new space both physically and mentally.

Its strange because I legit was in such a strange space when things were moving forward, i didn’t think didnt know, wasn’t sure if this would all be worth it. There are still times when i second guess it, but then there are times like right now that i am very much happy the space i am in.

Things have been different, sometimes difficult, bitter and sweet, but most of all sweet.

It’s strange to be able to move though the water with so much ease vs how it was before. Space to move and space to breathe.

Ive stopped working out and eating the “right” but am slowly moving back into that space, with pause and feeling.

Covid is still here, grasping tighter around everyone vs her grip before, she continues to cloud the minds of most, but hasn’t done so for all of us.

Once upon a time there was only one star in my sky...now there seems to be a seocond one, off to the left, dim but there...even though i cant seem to see it all the time, it flickers in my night sky and i know its there....

only time will tell if it becomes part of this complex constilation i have dreamt up in the night sky and tear over wondering

the cray thing about life

is that in this moment it could give me what i think i want

but i wouldnt be happy.

i think flying above, away, beyond this life would make me happy.

to start over and hold no responsibility to those here in this life.

im not satisfied, im bored, i give and surround myself with BS to flavor the days that no longer really find meaning.

sweet and low. Its sweet so you can feel satisfied in the moment but it leaves that taste in your mouth that reminds you its not real.

cantodeflores

I wonder if me wanting to be out and about or wanting to FT with others doing this RONA BS is just a big red flag that i dont like feeling alone. I miss my friends but idk if they really all miss me. Im the only one here trying to hang out with everyone, no one except one of my friends has tried to reach out to me and chat it up.

Has the time passed where you think those friends are REALLY your friends.

I miss Cali, i miss being around my friends and family.

I love my boy friend but i dont think we are in the same space as we were a months ago.

Ive come to the realization that ive worked so incredibly hard to lose weight so that he would find me desirable.

But now that ive achieved it Im not really sure i want the attention.

Plus some nagging energy within me is saying that the time that we broke up and he was hooking up with his little butt buddies, they dont feel the same vibe either.

I love him but hes no longer necessary just a filler. He only $ supports me when i really really need something, hes not really fully in it the way he used to be. Plus hes no longer physically attractive.

I find myself looking at bodies i wish he had to get myself off. Im so tired of jacking off but refuse to cheat on him

Hes comfortable but i dont fine him as necessary, just an emotional buffer from touching base with my own feelings of loneliness.

Im over it.

Im over being here at my apt by myself.

My boyfriend is here but hes in my room in bed on TT.

I miss being out, i miss being with my friends doing HR ish.

its weird dude. You have all these ideas of what its suppose to be like when you grow up. You study and memorize all 50 states, trying t really hard wire into your soul what each state is recognized for and what they bring to the table.

you somehow think you need to know all of this because some day youre going to visit MI or ID and relish in what makes those states stand out.

Its all just filler information, doest at all prepare you for life, or really get you a deeper understanding of whats to come.

And when you grow up you realize it was all just a dream, and everyone is just ok with it.

if i could go back and do things differently i would, I would teach myself to be harder, tougher, more assertive less weak.

...i sound like my mother.

Just strange how it all turns out, and you just shake your head and move on to the next day.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Untitled