trying

xvii//intp//he/him ...et tu Brute?...

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Arthur Miller, The Crucible

[geryone]

The Lost Arabs, Omar Sakr

[achronicghost]

Transcript:

Everything I do Seems to take pieces of me that I don’t have, Leaving me in a very painful, exhausting debt.

-a chronic ghost

[boykeats]

what emotion do you write from

homosexuality

[grey-academic]

I saw a bird today. 

I even crouched down to get a better look. 

A better look at the flies buzzing about

A better look at the off-putting, crooked angle of its wings

A better look at its frame splayed out on it’s back on the pavement. 

At that moment I envied the bird. 

The way it was laid so carelessly,

Allowed rest without the noise of mourning

That bird was free

No one poking or prodding, stuffing their grief in every available space.

I hear that bird. 

It’s wings flap rhythmically in my mind. 

There is no silence when the feathers beat against the walls of my brain. 

It sounds lonely but free,

Like it’s asking for my company. 

[grey-academic]

There’s something sinking here. 

My friends don’t ask if I’m okay and that makes me hate them a little bit more. 

I need to be fine. They need to know I’m fine. 

So why do I cry about succeeding in that illusion?

Why do I flinch at the ease they accept my lies?

Inside I beg for my own failure, I beg for them to look. 

Every action is made to trick them but I weep when they are fooled. 

Maybe I think they don’t care enough to be discerning.

Maybe I’m a terrible liar but without a curious eye, I go unseen. 

There is something so lonely about self imposed isolation. 

[arcanvm-arcanorum]

you.

you are the perfect pink and purple and blue and orange skies of the world, all the sunsets and sunrises and everything in between.

you are wildflower fields and fluffy cows and strawberry dresses, soft cats and quaint cottages perched on spring mountainsides.

you are crisp white paper and the clicking of a pen, headphones and beanies, and cheeks that turn rosy red when you laugh.

you are black and pink nail polish, yellow jackets, and eyes that sparkle like all the world's diamonds pushed into one.

you are strength, perfection, kindness, curiosity-

you are everything i once dreamed of having in a friend.

[utopians]

dark macadamia

[grey-academic]

Isn’t it unsettling?

I think I find it scary how much I care

You’re just another person right?

Then why pray to you each night,

The alter of your love is where I kneel.

I wish you were more of a person, less of a god.

I could never be but a worshipper at the temple, leaving offerings of love in exchange for crumbs of attention.

But I cherish thee. 

My soul sins so completely in its devotion to you. 

My selfish god, i would wither at your feet would you let me. 

You’re divine love is my lifeblood

I pray to you like a dying man prays for a cure

My knees bruise and bleed, but i still kneel

And you look on. 

This is dangerous, isn’t it?

I would do anything for you, my patron saint. 

The bible of us writes its sordid words in my heart,

staining me. 

Oh Lord, bless me with your love. 

I would kill for his blessing,

My sins would echo,

singing the song of a desperate devotee

Through the Eden of his heart

[grey-academic]

I think humans crave destruction

That can be the only explanation to why we fall so deeply in love. 

Swimming in the murky depths of something you know will eventually rip you apart. 

It’s difficult to properly differentiate between intensity. 

Maybe the burning of love is just burning,

Smoke hazing your vision,

The fumes taste so sweet on your stuttering breathes. 

Love leaves you wreaked and vulnerable.

If it doesn’t?

Then there’s no love at all. 

The pain makes it grip you, it’s predatory nature is alluring.

The tight grip of fondness around your neck 

feelings that threaten to choke you .

Being left gasping for air is a privilege. 

Being flayed and laid bare is a gift.

Having love’s kiss taste of belladonna is the best aphrodisiac. 

The heady scent of danger is enticing

Especially when you have everything to lose

The pacing of a knifes edge of pain or pleasure is a dangerous dance.

[grey-academic]

I can feel you carving. 

You gouge out a home for yourself inside my head,

careful not to scrape out the parts that please you. 

You remove vital parts of me,

Just to make my chest hospitable. 

We wouldn’t agree on the parts of me that can be discarded.

But I don’t get the chance to disagree. 

You don’t care for the mundane bits. 

I cling to them, wishing there was more.

I like to feel normal. 

You love that I can’t bare not ripping myself to shreds. 

I hate letting you clean up the mess I’ve made of myself. 

You live with me now, 

My head echoes with your love. 

But your devotion is happy to throw away my organs, 

If only to make space for more your insidious occupancy. 

You don’t consume me because you love me. 

You love me because you find my heart savoury. 

My blood is succulent. 

Your teeth rip into me,

Sinking into my flesh.

I am consumed by you. 

There is an elegance to it,

Along with notes of savagery 

I am your favourite meal. 

[jaytaeme]

— Anaïs Nin, from Henry and June

[brun-the-disir]

“I have grown to love secrecy. It seems to be the one thing that can make modern life mysterious or marvelous to us. The commonest thing is delightful if only one hides it.” - The Picture of Dorian Gray, O. Wilde

[viviwbpd]

I want to tell you that you cause butterflies in my stomach, and take my breath away when you look at me.

I want to play with your hair, and listen to your 2am thoughts.

I want to roll my eyes at your sarcasm, and giggle at your jokes.

I want to kiss you, until my lips are numb.

I want to lie and watch the stars above us, and talk about the universe.

I want to love everything you have grown to hate about yourself.

But mostly, I just want you.

[demonswardrobe]

It's a very Greek idea, and a profound one. Beauty is terror. Whatever we call beautiful we quiver before it.

[shokami]

Here is what they don’t tell you.

Icarus laughed as he fell.

Threw his head back and yelled into the winds, arms spread wide, teeth bared to the world.

There is a bitter triumph in crashing, when you should be soaring.

The wax scorched his skin, ran blazing trails down his back, his thighs, his ankles, and his feet.

Feathers floated like prayers past his fingers, close enough to snatch back.

Death breathed burning kisses against his shoulders, where the wings joined the harness.

The sun painted everything in shades of gold.

There is a certain beauty in setting the world on fire, and watching from the center of the flames.

- Fiona (weareallboats)

[grey-academic]

Why does it feel so hard to be good?

Everything that comes from me turns black,

rotting before it even passes my lips.

Every word leaving a stain in someone else's head.

Every action hurting like a knife that's been plunged deeply through the chest.

I try to be good.

The acid of my kindness leaves chemical burns. 

The fire of my love leaves scorch marks.

Scars that don’t quite fade.

I’m sorry I hurt you,

I didn’t mean it .

I love you.

I’m trying to be good,

I’m trying