Poems From The Aching Heart

Writing is my coping mechanism. All of these poems are my own thoughts,emotions, and experiences while living with mental illness, grief, and heartbreak. Thank you for visiting!

[greyaugustuspoetry]

Home

I picked up the phone five different times,

trying to let you know that I’m not okay.

Because we both agreed I would always tell you these things because you worry.

I wish it was easy to just tell you.

Tell you that I want to go home,

but you moved out of state

and the house got sold to a younger family

and I moved out with my stuff in boxes

and the dog died

and my brother decided he was better without me around

and all my stuff that made that house mine got thrown away because it was too big to fit in my new place

and I had to keep growing up

and you got out of here with dad while I stayed behind with my utter confusion about how a person is supposed to get older on their own.

But I still just want to go home.

But home isn’t really a place that exists right now.

And my head is getting so loud these days,

telling me that all of this trying is pointless.

Because no matter what I do

or where I go

or what I say

or what I don’t do.

I no longer have a home.

-Grey Augustus

[greyaugustuspoetry]

We operated on this idea that there was time.

And I regret it so deeply.

I wish I asked you more questions.

Stupid ones.

Small ones.

Unimportant in the long run.

Like,

what’s your favorite joke?

Where do you go when you want to be alone?

Do you like Halloween or Christmas more?

I wish I had taken the time to absorb everything about you.

Commit every bodily feature to my memory.

Taken more pictures of you

Heard you laugh a few more times

But in the moments, I thought we had more chances,

So I just didn’t.

I was too scared to,

or maybe just too forgetful.

Poof.

And you were gone from my life.

Static at the end of our conjoined tape.

And the rewind button is broken off.

I should’ve hugged you before we both went home

the last night I saw you.

Held you tight and told you I love you.

I’m so sorry man.

I thought we had more time.

-G.A

[greyaugustuspoetry]

I looked at joy and it was a stranger

And I don’t know why but sometimes my insides tighten

I can’t breath and I feel like fighting

I’ll be fine one moment and the next I’m with the lions

Battered and heavy

God knows I’m fucking dying

My legs move but with no intended destination

My head thinks

But lacks a general sense of preservation

I used to sit and watch the world go by

Hoping that maybe I’d get to rot into the ground by the summertime

Get drunk

Then drunker

Think about the few moments when my mind didn’t thunder

It’s a war

A deadly disease

I know for a fact there is something severely wrong with me

It is my master

It is my maker

And it will be my undertaker

-GA

[greyaugustuspoetry]

I linger outside in the hall

I won’t go in without your expressed permission

I’ve been burned doing the exact opposite before

But you were never taught clear communication

So you just left the door ajar

Expecting I’d get the hint and pick my feet up and onto your floor

Assuming that the lack of a visual barrier would be enough to let me know I am wanted inside with you

We are different in this sense of perspective

And it hurts that we can’t even get past the archway

Because I do want this

To just be.

And not think too hard about what this all means

But I am incapable of such simplicities

And you do not like to overcomplicate emotions

So I am still out here,

Jaw clinched

Breath halted

Holding onto to the air in my lungs because I am afraid

that if I let it out too slow or too fast that this will all become far more

indigestible than it already is.

And you’re just staring at me in the doorway

Expectant

As if nothing else needs to be said

Like we are already a concept that is universally approved of

And I am the one not getting it.

And yet.

You still haven’t said I can come inside.

And I still haven’t told you that I need more from you than an unlocked entryway

-GA

[greyaugustuspoetry]

You’re just a stranger now

Demoted back down to the baseline description of just “someone”

I still get asked about you sometimes

I start the story the same way every time,

By replacing your name with a descriptor

so that your face doesn’t come up in my mind as I tell it

And I have to simplify the insimplifiable

Somehow explain in under five minutes how I loved you so wholeheartedly

And it carved out my insides when I left you

Like rot in the pumpkins on the porch after Halloween.

I think some people believe me to be insane

When I tell them such things

But I continue on to say to them that if I didn’t leave you

I would be choosing a very painful soul death

And would have to go on pretending that loving you didn’t burn me

I cannot choose death over life

I have done it before, and I barely recovered

I won’t do that to myself again.

Not even for you.

When I really start to think about it

I never even knew you

A lot was hidden underneath this mask you had

I didn’t even notice it until I got pulled from the wreckage

Was it intentional?

Or were you just as much of an idiot as me.

-GA

[greyaugustuspoetry]

We hit the ground running,

But I think when we landed wrong after the jump

And the adrenaline has finally worn off enough for me to notice how much my legs hurt while we’re pounding down the pavement.

So now,

I don’t know how to tell you that I regret ever starting this in the first place.

-G

[greyaugustuspoetry]

Cut me up if you need to

I’ll be scraps if it means you’ll look at me

Tell me to sit and I will

Push me in the corner and I’ll stay

I’ll let it all go your way

I am nothing until you tell me to be

I’m a sucker,

The gum in your teeth.

I’m begging you to hold me

Make me what you need.

I am of nothing to no one

I’ll let you make me bleed.

Give me a direction and I will go

Tell me what to do

I’ll listen every single time, I promise you

Make me like new

I’ll be on my best behavior, whatever you want

I am so sick with desperation,

You can see it wafting in the air

Any purpose is good when you’re born

Into a family that is cruel.

Beat me, mold me, turn me clean.

I’ve been dirty my whole life

And you told me you’d help me breath.

So please I’m begging you,

Take this madness away from me.

-G

[greyaugustuspoetry]

Gripping the wheel

My knuckles go white

Foot presses down on the pedal

It all just rushed by

I couldn’t go back if I wanted to

I can’t remember where “back” even is anymore

Press my foot down harder

The lights go by faster

Where am I going?

Where did you go?

Your face faded into obscurity

I cannot remember when that happened

What time is it?

It’s dark outside, I only know that.

The pedal is at the floorboard

Are you coming back?

I want you to.

The bile is building up in my throat

Blink the tears down

Go faster.

I’ll forget it if I go faster.

Headlights shining through the windshield

I can’t see what’s in front of me.

Why did I even start driving?

You told me not to get in when I called

You said “Don’t leave right now it’s raining!”

But I did it anyways.

I always do it anyways.

I’m so lost.

Can I come home?

Are you too mad to let me come home?

Where is home for me now?

I don’t remember.

Faster.

Faster.

Go.

Go faster.

Make it go away please.

Red light

Speed through

Maybe if I get hit i’ll get to see y…

-G

[greyaugustuspoetry]

I have spent my whole life suppressing myself

Shrinking to make myself fit between

the tiny gaps in people’s lives

Just enough to feel needed

Not enough to be hated and discarded

Present, yes

But not real

I do not get too close to them

Because if they get near me,

They might figure out that I was not made right.

I am just pretending to be human.

I have a file of things to share

They are well mannered and of fake similarities

As to create an illusion of kinship,

But in reality,

I am creating an even stronger divide

They do not know me,

And I think at some point

I forgot who I even am in the process.

[greyaugustuspoetry]

I think we all are,

In someway,

Still breathlessly chasing after that

weightless feeling we had as children.

When our parents would carry us inside

after we pretended to still be asleep in the car.

Back when love and belonging were our birthrights

And pain was just another word on the spelling test.

-G.A

[greyaugustuspoetry]

You burned so bright baby

I couldn’t stop the fires

And if we’re being honest I wanted it to hurt me

Make me go blind so you knew I was devoted

Hurt my hands holding on

Love, I got blisters

But didn’t feel the pain until I started to miss ya

I’d have done anything for you

Just needed to point your finger

You were my god and all I did was linger

Like a lost dog begging for a meal

Hoping you would fuel me and make me a bigger picture

I was weak on my own, but with you I could stand longer

And you wanted eyes on you,

I happened to be the closest

Wanted a distraction from all your commotion

I was truly dying and I know you knew it

Easy pickings for you love, yeah you put me through

it.

I broke your heart and you broke mine

It was a fair trade but was coated in burden

I guess we both used each other but just couldn’t admit it

It’s better to hide from the truth than live in their consequences

Hurt people hurt people

Damnit , I thought I knew this.

-Grey Augustus

[greyaugustuspoetry]

You gave me the terms and I signed without reading ‘em

Like a dog at your door thinking you’re my freedom

Some sick trick I put on myself

Picking up everything you put down

You were oxygen and I was suffocating

And we both thought this couldnt hurt us

A distraction from the burning hills we were going to die on

I had passion and I think you liked that

You taught me things that weren’t in the initial program

You said jump, I said how high

Because I thought you could help make me fly.

Love makes you do funny things,

Like thinking this was a great bargain

Put too much belief in things other than the concrete

If you asked God, he would say he knew I wanted some suffering

Had a smile on my face but now it’s different

Don’t think going back to us is going to fix it

Sometimes I want to cause I still love you,

But the moth to the flame is never a good option

It all ends up down the sink eventually

The blood, the sweat, the tears that the year with you gave me.

I don’t have hatred for you, but there is some disbelief

About if what we had was real or just some more fucked up history

But I’ll still say thank you for the experience you gave me.

And pray that you find the one,

Cause now we know who it won’t be.

- Grey Augustus

[greyaugustuspoetry]

I loved you.

Who am I kidding,

I still love you.

I was meant to find you in this lifetime

So that I could learn what love even is.

But in finding that love,

I have lost my own sense of direction.

When I see you,

My skin burns so hot with affection that it sets my own ground on fire.

With you, my smile is so bright and heavy

But when you are away from me, it seems it is not so easily mustered.

I have forgotten how to be human without someone else around to prompt my inflections.

I do not remember how to be autonomous.

I spend my days watering your forests whilst my garden withers.

What time is left for the boy who gives everything away?

I met you in a time of great struggle.

I lost myself, but I found something else in you.

But it is time now, for me to wander this life on my own,

figure out a way to breath without needing to see you first.

I do love you.

I always will, I don’t even know if I can describe how much warmth I have in my heart for you.

But affections cannot cure the emotional cancer that I hold within me.

I did not feel the pain as it grew in me, I was too focused on your light,

and oh how it shines so very blindingly.

Forgive me,

I do not intend to cause you further pain from my departure.

And please believe me when I say that I too am wounded.

I cannot be the only one ready for growth,

I cannot try to be stronger and be worried about leaving you confused on my seemingly sudden evolution.

So this is where it ends,

The train is at its final stop.

Please don’t hate me.

I don’t think I can stomach it.

- G. A.

[greyaugustuspoetry]

There is too much bile in my stomach.

And not enough time to throw it all up.

-G.A

[greyaugustuspoetry]

I want help

But I’m too prideful to ask

For the thing I desperately need

I just want someone

To dig me out of this hole

I’ve created for myself

And let me start again

-Grey Augustus

[greyaugustuspoetry]

I lay right next to you

But I don’t make any movements

And I don’t dare to touch

For fear of waking you with

My body’s lack of legitimacy

I cannot sleep

But you snore so graciously

I want to join you in your

Complacency.

I love you

I truly do

I’m so frustrated that I cannot join

In your nightly omission

Of the weight you’ve held since

The suns last persistence

My darling please stay asleep

Do not worry about my restless feet

Eventually the exhaustion

Will take me down

But my mind will fight it like hell

It’s days like these

In which I must kill my mind

By locking down my fears

That heavily confine

I’m a professional compartmentalizer

It’s how I get things done

But tonight it seems harder

To put on those padlocks on

We have all killed something

Whether theoretical

Or literal

And tonight I took

A knife to my

Seeming inability

To let go of my thoughts

And sleep with the dead.

I won’t be alone

Once the task is complete

I will have you right next to me

But we won’t rest the same

One of us dreams

While the other just prays

That they’ll wake up

To an easier day

-Grey Augustus

[greyaugustuspoetry]

Monkey See, Monkey Do

Pick it up, put it down

Really think about who’s around

Is he watching or is he still

Are you ready to pay that bill?

Get up, sit down

Whatever kills that old frown

Burn it all till it stays

Have you been gone for days?

Chug it down, throw it up

Stick your head in the muck

You’re not dead yet my friend

So keep on going till it ends

Do you want to be okay

What’s your definition of that way

Is it drunk or is it high?

Is it worth it to stay dry?

Where do we go when we die?

Well you’ve been there for your whole life

Monkey see , monkey do

Your daddy drank for two

Run it off, make it stop

Drink again to stay on top

Do your work day by day

But keep on buying that beer on the way

Numb it out, force it down

Let the liquid kill the clown

Nothing matters anymore

Fill the void, that’s what it’s for

It all sucks all the time

Nothing in the world seems to rhyme

Drinking makes it make sense to you

Why can’t you seem to move?

Do you want to be okay

What’s your definition of that way

Is it drunk or is it high?

Is it worth it to stay dry?

Where do we go when we die?

Well you’ve been there for your whole life

Monkey see , monkey do

Your daddy drank for two

And now so do you.

Pick up that chip and put down those cans

Sit up and be a man

Change that stained shirt and call your friends

Let us know you’re not at your end.

-Grey Augustus