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Three Goblin Art
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❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
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DEAR READER
Cosimo Galluzzi
Discoholic 🪩
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@guardian-system
Does anyone know the gigolas fic on ao3 where they're writing letters to each other and go out hunting with some of Legolas's guards and they turn on him and Gimli saves him?? I didn't save it and I can't find it. I think it was a Hobbit fic but idk
ok anyways. post this beast
I HAVE THE OTHER PART TO THIS PHOTO
Shrek 2, while a cinematic masterpiece, is also an interesting look at queerness and comp het.
Fiona is married so it's time to reunite with her parents. But instead of marrying a prince, she's married to an ogre. Not just that, but she's also an ogre. (Yes everyone knew she would sometimes be an ogre but that was when she was a child, she didn't know she would be an ogre for the rest of her life, and besides once she met the right prince she would stop being an ogre. She was supposed to stop being an ogre.)
But okay they're both ogres. We can still ask about when they'll have children because even if they're ogres they can still have kids, right? That's what married princes and princesses do so naturally that's what everyone does. Even if ogres might not be great parents (I've heard that ogres eat their young, is that something you people do?) it's still something that should be discussed.
And okay you can stay in Fiona's childhood bedroom filled with all the reminders that hey, everyone thought she was just a princess and princesses marry princes. Her toys left out from the last time she played with them. The prince slays the ogre. The princess offers a token of gratitude for slaying the ogre. Fiona wrote Mrs. Fiona Charming a million times in her diary because what else was she supposed to grow up to be?
And Harold you have to fix this, your country can't be ruled by ogres. You were unfit to rule when you were a frog but I changed you, I made you better, I made you a prince. You know how this works. Think of your daughter's safety.
Shrek goes to the Fairy Godmother and oh honey, ogres don't live happily ever after. It's just not done. It hasn't happened in all of fairy tale history. You have to change the both of you to be happy. You have to present as a prince and a princess. It will be better. You'll fit in better that way. You'll be accepted that way.
Everybody's having fun portraying Grace as the soft hearted damsel in distress and Simon as his big scary guard dog, as if Simon "welded into a metal box" Ironlung isn't shattering at the first kind touch he receives and Ryland "abandons his entire planet and species for his alien buddy" Grace wouldn't rip the universe apart if it tried to take Simon away.
Actually, I don't think Simon would freak out about Rocky wanting to watch him sleep. Simon thinks he's a danger; he's a convict, a murderer and terrorist, of course people watch him while he sleeps, they gotta make sure he doesn't do another murder or whatever. When he finds out it's to make sure he's still alive and well, that it's a show of affection and community, now that'll throw him for a loop.
"I asked chatgpt" okay well I asked Tumblr and- wait, one second- there's some new yaoi lore in the space fandom or something- oh my god is that Markiplier?
The Eridians, pointing proudly at their Human-Safe Biodome: that’s where we keep Grace, who saved the stars and spends his time teaching our children about science. we owe him everything.
The Eridians: oh and also Simon. we found him in a blood-covered dumpster and we think he has rabies.
Bloodymary AU where Grace is still a teacher and none of his students know he’s married let alone to a scary looking man who comes and picks him up on his motorcycle. They just see this long haired man with tattoos and scars looking grumpy until he softens when Grace comes over and kisses his cheek and when they ask Grace about the mystery man they say yesterday, Grace is like “oh that’s my husband.” And his students then have a bunch of the questions.
“Is he a mafia boss?”
“N-no.”
“Why does he have a prosthetic arm?”
“Because he got injured-“
“Can he come in and tell us how?!”
“I uh….will have to ask.”
“Mr Grace, no offence, but how did you manage to marry a guy who looks like a human version of a Doberman?” (Grace tells Simon that question and Simon bursts out laughing)
"grace. grace! grace give attention. rocky perform human ritual of escape closet now. statement."
"come again?"
"i learn more from thinking machine. human gender preference. attraction to same gender, means word 'gay.' all eridian same gender." rocky stands straight up. "rocky come out to grace now. all rocky plural gay, statement."
"...wow, that's... rock, i'm not sure it makes much sense to apply human ideas of sexual orientation to a monogendered species."
a long and judgmental pause. then:
"grace HOMOPHOBIC, question????"
rocky learns human philosphy
a good fan edit will change how to you listen a certain song forever
“this character did not act in the most objectively logical way possible!” is not ! actually valid literary criticism
i have trust that the media literacy enjoyers will find this one idk
"Why aren't these characters acting like they have the same meta perspective of the plot as me, the reader?"
I dunno, maybe because they don't know they're in a story?
And also cause if they did, it would negate like 90% of the things that drive a plot forward to a satisfying conclusion?
And also because, regardless of the extent to which art imitates life and vice versa, IN ACTUAL REAL LIFE, PEOPLE DON'T ALWAYS ACT LOGICALLY ANYWAY!?
Alexandra Kuzyk has been sentenced to 18 months in a Russian labor camp for “illegal pornography.”
Literally anything I've ever written could land me in Russian prison.
And this could definitely happen here.
I spent a lot of time handcuffed and in a cage in high school, for a charity bit the grocery store I worked at would do
the bit was that I was "put in jail for having too big a heart" and customers could donate to my bail to get me out (and the money would go to a children's hospital or something)
now. I was very clearly a teenaged employee handcuffed inside a large cage. and I would honestly tell people that I had been in there for hours. and people would say, that's terrible! that's awful! and I would show them my wrists red from the tight handcuffs, and say but I'm sooooooo close to making bail.
and then they would dump some cash in the basket, I'd thank them, and they'd walk away.
and every so often, one of the managers would come by and collect some of the cash, so I could keep being soooooo close to making bail.
I was very good with this bit. Parents with small kids would pay $5-10 if I told their children I had been placed in jail for not cleaning my room/doing my homework, etc. For people in their 20s, I'd threaten that I was very bad at playing the harmonica, but I WOULD play it and we'd all suffer unless they paid me. and for the most amount of money, older men in suits would almost always pay $20s if I avoided eye contact and stammered a lot.
eventually, the managers started to feel bad because I was in the cage so fucking long and often, that I'd need someone to brace me when I got out because I'd have no feeling in my legs. wobbling like a newborn giraffe.
but I would also rake in at LEAST $100 an hour in charity.
so they were like, hey champ. can we, uh, give you a pillow to sit on. in the cage. would you like a pillow so you're not just sitting on a cold metal slab. can we give you a pillow.
and I had to explain to them that if they gave me a pillow, people would think I was more comfortable, so they wouldn't feel as bad, so I'd bring in less money.
the compromise was that they'd bring me a nice coffee every couple hours, which I would have to try to block with my body from the customers.
all this money went to charity. that's what the money was for. it's what was on the sign. but how much they were willing to pay was very contingent on how comfortable I looked, never mind the fact that I was still a teenaged employee handcuffed inside a cage.
and out of the dozens of shifts I did this on, not ONCE did ANYONE say, hey kid I'm going to go talk to your manager because what the fuck is going on here. they would just drop money in the basket, and I'd thank them and sip from my secret drink.
I actually had people get MAD at me that I told them I was far away from bail, they donated like $15, and then 20 minutes I got let out because my shift ended.
again. the money was for charity. it was on the sign that was very clearly placed on the upper half of my cage.
so yeah. even when people think they mean well. people can be really, really fucking stupid.
took me a bit but this is roughly what the cage looked like, without the middle platform
It was something that was originally used in the back for carting boxes, but was repurposed into a teenager cage
they'd wheel it out and the one open side would be backed against either a wall or a large display (like very tall rows of soda boxes or something)
Then I'd get in, they'd push the thing so it would be as flush as possible against the wall, and then I'd stick my hands through the bars for them to handcuff me. there'd be a sign up top explaining the bit, and then a shopping basket tied on front for people to drop the money into.
the handcuffs were fake, and I could unlock them myself for obvious safety reasons. I would get more donations if they were tight, though.
After maybe a month or two, I asked for a harmonica to sell the bit. they also tried giving me a mug, but it was too awkward with the handcuffs. I got kind of okay at playing the harmonica, but the main point was just to do one sharp blast to startle people into looking down, and then I'd threaten that I had no idea how to play, but would do so anyway unless they donated to my bail. managers actually got me a prison jumpsuit to throw over my uniform, but it was really fucking awkward so we stopped eventually. I also got a metric fuckton of mardi gras beads so I could lure small children over, to then mournfully tell them of my imprisonment due to not cleaning my room, etc. parents would be moderately irritated that I'd lured their children over with beads, but would respect the game that I'd given their kids a whole new fear. I had some parents even ad lib what I could have been thrown in prison for. guaranteed donations.
obviously, the prison bit worked best with younger girls. my roughly 50-60 year old manager once congratulated me on doing so well with the donations because I "looked like a cute sad little puppy in one of those RSPCA commercials. like a helpless puppy or a kitten." wearing makeup and earrings also increased the rate of donations.
had to explain to another girl how I regularly got $20s, which was when an older guy in a suit walked by I'd rattle my handcuffs slightly to draw attention. 10/10 times the guy would walk over, and I had to tell this girl like. If you avoid eye contact and sound uncertain you will get at least $20. I am sorry. this is for children's cancer research.
cannot stress enough that the other employees fought to get to be in the cage. customers were so awful and the weather was so shitty. jail meant sitting down with very few expectations, talking and joking with people.
Anyway. Shit was definitely not an allegory, though it could be used as one for about 11 different things.
Still better than customer service.
hobbits were the peak of civilization in tolkien verse. jobs were Gardening, Stall At The Farmer’s Market, or Mailman. Shoes OFF, capris ON, 6 meals a day, high and fat as all shit. Names like Daddy Twofoot….why the fuck are we horny for elves
My dad can't seem to figure out why I find it funny a guy who has been catholic for six years is lecturing the pope saying he should make sure he's correct when discussing theology
"time heals all wounds" WRONG! time is ripping into me with a cheese grater
“time heals all wounds” WRONG!
time is ripping into me
with a cheese grater
Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.
