love confession. (yoon jeonghan x reader)
summary: the only effective way to move on from yoon jeonghan is to date someone else. but it doesn’t work, because sooner or later, all roads will lead back to him.
word count: 10.8k
warnings: fem!reader, college AU, friends with benefits, pining, implied unrequited love, reader x male oc, smut, nsfw, unprotected sex, toxic relationship dynamics, between reader and oc: jealousy, verbal abuse, slut shaming. smut warnings: dry humping, car sex, orgasm denial, dirty talk, degradation if you squint.
a/n: lets start jeonghan month right!
“Assessment.”
“Assess- how many s’es are there in assessment?”
“Seokmin, you can’t be serious.”
“You wanna do it yourself, smart guy?”
You sigh tiredly as your friends continue to bicker, Mingyu momentarily forgetting the stack of papers in his hand and instead going on a tangent about how it’s bullshit that Seokmin got into college without knowing how to spell assessment. Seokmin retorts by threatening to leave if Mingyu doesn’t stop being an asshole. You stare blankly at the wall, your head resting on your closed fist. You tap your fingernails on the wood of the table with no particular rhythm.
“Guys,” you finally speak up, less than enthused. “Can we please keep going?”
“Well, it’s not like you’re any help.” Mingyu seethes. You can’t blame him. All of you have been at this for hours. And you’d just started the actual work. So much time was consumed with the research on the topic. Of course tempers are running high.
You blink and scowl at him before taking the stack of papers from his hand, looking down to where he was reading from, dictating to Seokmin who was typing it out on a laptop. “Where are you?”
“You would know that if you were focusing.” Seokmin deadpans. “What the hell are you thinking about, anyway?”
“Probably Jeonghan’s dick.” Mingyu mumbles.
You gasp and lift the stack of papers, hitting him over the head with a satisfying thwack. Mingyu cries out in protest, shielding his head for the inevitable second blow, but the librarian shushes you loudly, glaring so hard that you nearly shrivel up under it. You lower your arm, throwing Mingyu an angry look. He sticks out his tongue in response.
“I’m not wrong.” He defends himself. “When was the last time you two hooked up? Two weeks ago? That’s the longest you’ve stayed away from him.”
It’s been one week and five days, to be exact. But yes, it is the longest you have stayed away from Jeonghan. He has finals this week, and last week was spent preparing for them. So you aren’t surprised that he hasn’t called you up, or sent you a bunch of emojis of peaches and tongues before showing up at your door, eating you out right there on the floor with no care that your roommates might see.
Your arrangement is pretty typical. Friends with benefits, no strings attached, regular booty calls to relieve stress, the whole package. It’s so cliché, in fact, that a few months into hooking up, you had fallen in love with him. How pathetic, falling for the guy you are having casual sex with. Leave it to you to be overly invested in him. Very on brand.
You like to believe it isn’t your fault at all, actually. Yoon Jeonghan just isn’t the kind of guy anyone can be casual about.
You met him for the first time in your first year at college. He was a year older, and it was at a party you were completely out of place at. He seemed to pick up on that immediately, asking why you would come if you were so uncomfortable. You had word vomited to him about your roommate dragging you there, something about wanting to seem cool, meeting new people and maybe finding someone. He was beyond attractive. Long, black hair brushing the nape of his neck, framing the sides of his face, falling over his eyes, catching in his eyelashes every time he blinked. He was tall, but lean, swimming in his oversized shirt, and his collarbones peaked out just above the shirt, giving him a soft, sensual look. He had listened to you rant with rapt attention, and despite the chaos around you two, he was calm and easy going. His voice was sickly sweet, and he didn’t leave your side when the next distraction came by, like other people did.
Maybe that’s why you let him fuck you in the backseat of his car later that night.
It didn’t really stop after that. There were brief pauses every now and then, when Jeonghan attempted to date someone or when you got a boyfriend in your second year. But it never went anywhere for either of you, and somehow, you always ended up in his bed. It just worked, you and him. He was the best sex you had ever had. Shamefully, you had thought of him even when you were in a relationship, comparing your boyfriend at the time’s mediocre skill in bed to Jeonghan, who would not be satisfied until you were crying and shaking, begging him to the point of delirium. There is no man like him.
Who wouldn’t fall for that?
You know you are ruined for every other man. No one else can compare. Nearly two years of casual hookups, a dash of one sided love, and a nonchalant Jeonghan. That’s the recipe you are working with.
“Here’s a radical thought.” Mingyu had said sometime over last spring. “Tell him how you feel.”
You had snorted and rolled your eyes as if it was the most ridiculous suggestion ever. Which it may as well be. Jeonghan has no feelings for you. He made it clear at the start of your arrangement that this was strictly need-based. He wanted pussy. You were there. Nothing more, nothing less. And you couldn’t risk ruining this, whatever you had with him, by involving feelings in it. Because you know he would end it if you did. A clean break, to make sure you both moved on. And you can’t handle that. The thought of not having him, whatever bits of him he gave you, is terrifying.
So here you exist.
The sun is setting by the time you, Mingyu and Seokmin choose to call it quits for the day. You’re so tired that your muscles scream when you stand up. You stretch, wondering what you should have for dinner as you pack up your bag. You wave goodbye to your friends outside the library doors, declining Seokmin’s invitation to drive you off campus to the flat you rented. You really just wanted to walk around for a bit and clear your head. Also, you don’t really want to speak to your roommates. They have a tendency to complain about every little thing. And you aren’t in the mood.
You hum to yourself as you trudge down the path, wondering once again what you want to do for dinner. Briefly, your mind wanders to Jeonghan, as it so often does, and you check the time on your phone. It’s Friday night. Tomorrow is a day off. Is he preparing for the Monday final or did he go out to take a break? You decide to ask him instead of wondering.
[me]: what are u up to?
Your phone dings almost immediately.
[hannie]: nothing. wanna come over?
You suppress a smile. No hesitation at all. Is it pathetic that it makes your heart flutter a bit?
[me]: be there in 10
Your walk is more purposeful after that. Thankfully, Jeonghan’s apartment isn’t too far off campus. Lucky bastard. He lives in a great three bedroom place with his friends, and his rent isn’t steep either despite the location. It’s the place where you hang out with him the most, since it’s super convenient for both of you.
You unlock the door with the spare key he gave you over a year ago, toeing off your shoes and trudging inside. The living room is empty, but you can hear noises coming from the kitchen. You plop your bag down on the couch before making your way to the sound, smiling when you catch the sight of Jeonghan humming and stirring something on the stove. He smiles when he sees you enter.
“Had dinner yet?”
You shake your head and drop into a stool at the island. You watch his back as he works. The pan makes a sizzling sound.
“Where are Joshua and Seungcheol?” You ask, noting how empty the place seems. Jeonghan shrugs.
“They just left. Some party, I don’t know.” He pulls the pan off the stove as he speaks. You frown at him.
“You didn’t go?”
He shakes his head, plating the food. Some kind of vegetable stir fry. It smells great. Makes your mouth water.
“Did you stay home just for me?” You tease. You're only half joking, but when Jeonghan gives you a cheeky wink in response, your heart flutters a bit.
Ah, fuck.
Dinner goes by quickly with light conversation. You ask him how his exams are going. He waves a hand as if dismissing the question, like they aren’t important. It makes you laugh, how casual he is about them. But if you know one thing about Jeonghan, it is that he is brilliant enough to ace all of them.
He pulls you on top of him on the couch immediately after dinner, lips attached to your neck so he can lick and suck lazily at it. You sigh and let him do as he pleases. You had missed this. He had you addicted to him, and nearly two weeks without his mouth all over you was too long. Jeonghan voices your thoughts himself too.
“Missed you.” He mumbles, voice garbled. His hands run down your sides to slip under your shirt so he can feel your bare skin. “Thought about you every day.”
He always did this. Sweet nothings whispered in your ear, so romantic that you could delude yourself into thinking he actually cared.
Your fingers tangle themselves in his tresses, soft as silk, tugging just slightly in the way you know gets him going. And he doesn’t disappoint. His grip on your waist tightens and he pulls you down harder so he can grind his already stiff erection against you. You sigh at the feeling, savoring it.
You ride him like that after he tugs your clothes off and pulls his cock out, sinking down on him as he leans back on the couch, eyelids fluttering, lips parted. A sigh escapes him, a mix of relief and lust, and you bask in it, knowing you’re the one making him feel this way. Being with Jeonghan always feels like you’re floating, stuck in this limbo between fucking and being in love, but in moments like this, you are in control. You determine what he will feel, when he will feel it, and that power is addicting. Especially over someone as untethered as him. That power is what keeps you coming back to him.
You set a torturous pace, the kind of painful pull towards pleasure that he often subjects you to. You see his smirk, the heat in his barely open eyes, the way he drags his hands up your bare thighs.
“You’re playing a dangerous game, baby.” He grits out in that husky tone he falls into when he’s ridiculously turned on. Jeonghan enjoys this, when you tease him, when you toe the line, mainly because when he takes that control back, he has every excuse in the book to really make it rough. You’re giving him exactly what he wants, and he doesn’t disappoint when he lets you rock into him a few more times, indulging you, before he flips you onto the couch cushions, making sure you get exactly what you were fishing for.
This is why you and Jeonghan work. You know each other too well, everything that makes you two tick. But somehow, that heat never disappears. Every touch, every whispered word, still has that same want zipping up your spine, like it’s that first time again, in the backseat of his car, the leather sticking to your feverish skin.
This time is fast and frantic too, like you are both looking to hit that euphoric finish line. Jeonghan likes taking his time, but not today. You’ve been apart too long. His mouth is heated and hurried over yours, tongue laving at the dips and turns in your mouth. He needs to feel you, all of you, and that means you clenching around his cock as you cum on him, while he’s painting your insides white with his own high.
The indulgence comes later in the night. There’s no rush.
He drops onto the couch next to you when you’re done, both of you catching your breaths, limbs still entangled in the tight space. You turn your head just enough to look at him. The proximity makes his cheekbone look even more prominent, and the thinnest line of sweat has built up on his hairline. The slope of his nose is delicate, as are his lips.
“Don’t look at me like that, angel. I don’t think I have another round in me right now.”
You roll your eyes and turn away from him, standing up and trudging to his bedroom down the hall while he lazes on the couch post-orgasm. In the beginning, you never stayed the night after sex. It seemed too intimate, too personal for a relationship as casual as yours. But logistically, it made more sense. Seeing how often you came over and how late it would get, you didn't have the energy to leave, and Jeonghan was too tired to drive you anyway. So at one point he had just shrugged and suggested that you stay over, handing you a key to his place shortly after. At this point, you knew his apartment almost as well as he did.
The mattress dips behind you almost twenty minutes later as Jeonghan shifts closer, wrapping his arm around you from behind. This means nap time, and knowing Jeonghan, you will wake up with either his tongue or his cock buried deep inside you. You stare at the wall of his bedroom as you feel him relax behind you. His soft snores lull you to sleep along with him.
……………………..
Biochemistry is a major that you have a love-hate relationship with.
You do genuinely believe that your lab partners are some of the biggest idiots in the world. Or maybe they are just lazy. Either way, nothing gets done unless you are actively taking over, and that irks you. It exhausts you, makes you angry, and the work gets sloppy because of it. That’s unacceptable in your eyes, especially because it happens through no fault of your own. It’s just the hand you have been dealt. You miss last semester, when Seokmin and Mingyu were in the same group as you. Mingyu was the best support system you could ever ask for, and Seokmin took responsibility so seriously. Maybe that’s why you like them so much.
But you love the subject regardless. You love the lab, the smell of chemicals tickling your nose is now a familiar comfort. And as sloppy as your classmates are, you always pull it together because your lab assistant, Jaeyoung, is brilliant and talented. He’s also quite the looker, side bonus.
When you make faces at your lab partners, watching them either not contribute at all or make some half-baked joke, Jaeyoung always notices, trying to tamp down a smile. It makes you feel validated to have him around. He is a very sweet person, and he has this strange earnestness to him that you haven’t seen in guys for a while now. He looks young, maybe a few years older than you, so you are unashamed of your ogling of him. You honestly believe he doesn’t notice, but today might change your mind about that.
“Rough day?” He asks as you clean your station, watching where your partners are clustered around a phone to look at something. You’re waiting for the professor to dismiss you, packing everything up in the meantime. Alone, of course. Jaeyoung takes the round bottom flask in your hand, placing it on the rack to be sterilised later. You give him a grateful smile.
“Honestly, I’m just waiting for the semester to be over.” You mumble over other people’s voices. Jaeyoung hums.
“Yes but the end of semester also means you won’t be in this lab anymore.” He purses his lips. “So I won’t see you.”
You can’t help the way your lips tug up and you roll your eyes. Jaeyoung always has this sweet, flirty thing going on. You don’t know if it’s exclusive to you. You do know he’s generally a really nice guy.
“Maybe I can see you outside of the lab?”
That makes you freeze for a second, eyes widening.
“Are you asking me out?”
He shrugs before nodding, a bit jerky. Is he nervous? You shift on your feet a bit, a very specific someone entering your brain for a quick second, but you force him out immediately.
“I think that’s a great idea.” You say finally, and you’re almost happy at how taken aback he looks. When you give him your number, you try not to let this uneasy, strange feeling gnaw at you. And when you tell Mingyu about it later over lunch, he immediately nips it in the bud.
“This will be good for you.” He says, lunch mostly forgotten when you start telling him about the events of the day. “This weird stuff you have going on with Jeonghan can stop now, and you can focus on actually finding a good guy.”
“Jeonghan’s a good guy.” You frown, half at Mingyu’s words and half at your immediate need to defend Jeonghan.
“Sure. But he’s not a good guy for you. Not in the long term, at least. You both want completely different things.”
He’s right, because of course he is. He’s never wrong about anything when it comes to you. Mingyu is surprisingly very mature about stuff like this. He hadn’t been on board with your casual thing with Jeonghan from the very start. He had predicted that you would make it more than it is, which you had scoffed at back then. But he had been right. You had gone and fallen in love with the bastard.
Maybe it is time to listen to Mingyu.
Your phone chimes with a text. It’s an unknown number, but the first text introduces the name.
“It’s Jaeyoung.” You say. Mingyu straightens in his seat. “He’s asking me if we are still on for a date.”
“Awesome. Say yes.”
You roll your eyes at his bossy attitude, but do as he says. Jaeyoung sounds like a complete gentleman over the phone, making sure your date doesn’t coincide with any of your plans or schedules. Just as you are finalising the time, another text pops up on top of the screen, making you freeze.
[hannie]: come over tonight? miss you angel
You stare at it until it disappears, thumbs hovering over the screen. You finish typing to Jaeyoung, confirming your date before you open the text thread with Jeonghan, contemplating.
Should you tell him?
You know the answer before you even finish the question in your head. No. Jeonghan wouldn’t care. He didn’t give a fuck when you got a boyfriend last year. You had told him about a guy being interested in you almost immediately, foolishly thinking it might ignite some emotion in him. It didn’t. You dated the guy for a few weeks, and then you broke up. You were back in Jeonghan’s bed by the end of the month. He taunted you with it while he was balls deep in you, saying you can never resist, that you would always come back. And a fucked up part of you enjoyed it, this power Jeonghan knew he had over you. The depravity of thinking about him while you were with someone else. The thought of it alone is shameful.
This time will be different. You grit your teeth, closing the conversation without replying.
……………………
Jaeyoung is a very traditional guy, as you guessed. He goes for a classic dinner-and-movie as your first date, not that you mind. It’s refreshing how uncomplicated it is, and how comfortable you feel with him. Conversation flows nicely. He is interested in getting to know you outside of the lab, asking you about your family, your hobbies, what you like to do on weekends. You both took the train to meet up for your date, but he insists on walking you back to your apartment afterward, saying he is heading to campus anyway, since he has some stuff to do. The walk is nice, and you admire how good Jaeyoung is at not letting silences linger. He engages you well, and you find yourself getting more relaxed as time goes on.
You’re laughing at something he says when you reach your door, and he ends the date just as sweetly as it began. When he kisses your cheek, he lingers for barely a beat. You wish he would do more, but you don’t want to push. You don’t want to drive him away too quickly, and it seems he wants to take it slow, do it properly. That’s good. It’s good for you too. You need this.
Mingyu calls you as soon as you text him that you’re back, asking you how it went.
“Good. It was good.” You reply, putting the phone on speaker so you can change clothes easier.
“Okay. How good are we talking?”
You contemplate the question. “It was very nice.”
You can audibly hear his huff on the other line. “Seriously? Come on, give me more.”
“He’s nice, Mingyu!” You uncap your makeup remover. “He asked me all about myself and told me about himself too. He’s funny, even if some of the jokes were a little lame. It’s a cute kind of lame, you know? He’s definitely dorky, but I like that.”
Mingyu hums. “So this is looking good? You’re going to pursue this?”
You don’t know why you hesitate. It’s a fraction of a second, but it’s gone before you let it linger. “Yeah, definitely.”
Mingyu whoops on the other end like it’s his personal victory, and you laugh at his reaction. His happiness is contagious, and combining that with how well tonight went, you can’t help but also feel a little giddy. It’s nice, feeling wanted like this. You’re even a little excited.
You smile when Jaeyoung texts you a simple ‘good morning’ the next day, asking if it would be too much too soon if you could grab a coffee together before your classes. You reply that you’d love to, and you really do. He’s already waiting for you at the place just off campus, and it’s nice seeing him again. His smile is wide and bright like the sun, and your conversation resumes like last night had never ended.
You two stop just outside the café, drinks in your hands.
“I’m sorry I have to run like this.” He says sheepishly. “You would think biochemistry meant a lesser sense of urgency. I had no idea ‘lab emergencies’ were a thing.”
You laugh, waving your hand in dismissal. “It’s fine. I wasn’t expecting to see you at all today so it was nice, even if we didn’t do much.”
He smiles at you and nods, shuffling a little. “I don’t want to be premature here, but I hope we can schedule a second date soon.”
“I would like that.” You smile, and you can see Jaeyoung light up at your acceptance. He grumbles when his phone rings again, and waves at you one last time before scurrying off. You watch him hold the coffee cup away from his body, almost expecting to spill the hot beverage.
“Wow, second date? And I didn’t even know about the first.”
You jerk in surprise, whipping around to see the last person you had expected. He is only a couple of paces behind you, hands in his pant pockets. His lips tick up at the corners.
“Hey, princess.”
Your heart squeezes, watching him. It’s been about two weeks, you try not to count nowadays. He’s wearing jogging gear, track pants and a sweatshirt, both a bit loose on him, the way he likes it. His hair is tied up so it doesn’t stick to his neck, and a baseball cap covers it.
“Were you listening to us?” There’s an edge to your voice, you can hear it. It’s unwarranted, but you feel almost violated. You aren’t necessarily hiding Jaeyoung, but you also don’t want Jeonghan to know about him.
“Just the last few sentences. Couldn’t help myself after I spotted you.” He points across the street, probably where he saw you from. You try to loosen your hold on your coffee cup so you don’t dent the cardboard and make it spill.
“He looks nice.” Jeonghan continues, stepping closer. You fight the urge to step back. “You could’ve just told me.”
You roll your eyes. “The Yoon Jeonghan wanted me to be direct about something?”
Jeonghan watches you silently for a few seconds, and you fidget under his stare. You know this look, this cutting, analysing edge to his gaze.
“You’re snippy today.” He says finally. “It’s okay. Text me when this one fizzles out, okay?”
You feel it immediately, the anger that flares up in you. You glare at him. “He won’t fizzle out, you presumptuous asshole.”
You almost feel even angrier when that makes him smirk, lazy and satisfied. You realise he was clearly trying to provoke you, and he won. You grit your teeth, not saying a word more before you spin around and walk speedily away. You can feel his eyes on you, burning through your skin, and your heart thrums with the heat of your emotions.
You don’t even drink the coffee Jaeyoung bought for you. It’s cold by the time you realise it is still in your hand.
……………………..
Spring bleeds into summer, and you are finally able to breathe in between classes and your own activities. Schoolwork is usually not a chore for you, but it starts to feel like one when you realise that every single professor has dumped mountains of work over your free time now. In between that, and a wonderful internship opportunity in the city, it almost doesn’t feel like a vacation at all. The only difference is that your roommates all decided to go home over the summer, so you have the place to yourself. Coming home feels like a breath of relief after long days and the grueling heat. Some respite is better than none.
Things with you and Jaeyoung are going….. well. Good. He’s staying over the vacation as well, since staff doesn’t get the same break as students, and he becomes a very regular person in your life along with Seokmin and Mingyu. They love him. He likes watching games on the television with them and they are all over at your place since you’re the only one without roommates right now, and it’s funny seeing them all bond like this, as if worlds are colliding. You have to hand it to him, he wins them over in record time. And you’re not surprised, he’s very charming. Mingyu in particular is over the moon.
“You’re acting like we’re getting married next month. Calm down.”
“You better marry him. Eventually, of course. But you better. He’s the perfect husband material.”
You can’t explain why bile rises to your throat at that thought.
The truth is, things are great. The end of July would make it six months of you two dating. Half a year. That’s a good time frame to know someone, to at least get an inkling of where you see yourself with them long term. You know that Jaeyoung is serious. He can see this going the distance. But a deep, shameful part of you doesn’t know if you can say the same.
You don’t bring it up with Mingyu or Seokmin. You can’t. Because firstly, nothing is wrong. You cannot pinpoint a single thing about Jaeyoung that’s bad enough to break up over. You know saying ‘he doesn’t make me feel alive’ is a cop out of astronomical levels. The lack of something doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad. It’s not. He respects your space, he’s energetic and popular. He’s a very romantic person. He sets a nice routine in your life. Your problem is that routine feels too much like monotony to you. But you don’t know how to say that to him, or anyone else, without feeling like a complete bitch.
Summer bleeds slowly into fall midway through August. The heat sizzles, just under a line, but doesn’t rise like it used to, tamed by the seasons changing. When classes start up again, you see Jaeyoung a little less than before, and you want to cry at how much lighter your chest feels about it. Mingyu asks how it’s going, casually and as part of small talk, and you lie to his face, telling him everything is great. You’re ashamed at feeling this way, and also at lying to someone who so clearly wants what is best for you. You know Mingyu will support you no matter what. This cage you have put yourself in is your own doing, and you don’t know how to break out of it.
September is a bit more chilly than you are expecting, but it is a welcome change that you embrace. It breaks the tedium a little bit, and you feel like you can breathe better. You like taking walks after classes sometimes, watching the sun go down over the trees in the park. You wait for the sky to go from orange and gold to blue, and then darker still until you can see the stars. Twice a week, you find yourself on an empty park bench, letting your mind drain itself blank as your eyes stay trained on the shifting colors.
“I didn’t take you as a walks-in-nature type of person.”
You would recognise his voice anywhere.
He hasn’t changed at all. His hair is a bit longer maybe, his shoulders a bit fuller, but he still swims in his oversized clothes. He is wearing a button down that reaches well below his hips, and funnily enough, he is in sweatpants. He looks almost cute in the white beanie, whisps of jet black hair poking out from under it to catch in his eyelashes. It’s so different from Jaeyoung’s endless dress shirts and pants. The sunset washes over his figure. He looks as handsome as the first time you saw him.
“Jeonghan.”
His lips tick up the slightest bit, but his eyes are as soft as ever. “Hey, princess.”
It’s laughable, how it feels like nothing has changed. Not even the way he greets you. Not even your pet name. Briefly, you think about how Jaeyoung doesn’t use pet names. He thinks they are inauthentic and overdone. But Jeonghan uses them in spades. You can’t remember in all your time with him ever being referred to by your own name.
You are shaken from your ruminations when he walks closer, sitting on the other side of the bench with a heavy sigh, folding one leg over the other. Your eyes return to the sky. The air is slightly awkward, but not unbearably so. You haven’t talked to Jeonghan in over half a year.
“How’s things?” He asks, like he’s an old friend who wants to catch up. Maybe that’s what he is.
“Fine. Busy.” You thumb over the hem of your sweater. “How about you?”
He hums dismissively. “Same old. Feels different without you around.”
You don’t expect him to bring up your abrupt lack of contact so easily. But Jeonghan has always been very comfortable in his own skin and his own thoughts. There is nothing he can’t talk about.
“Sorry about….. how we left off.” You shift a bit, remembering what you said to him that day. You called him a presumptuous asshole. You felt guilty about it afterwards, because anyone around you can attest to the fact that Jeonghan is the most nonjudgmental person on the planet.
He extends the same grace now, making a disapproving noise and dismissing your apology like you shouldn’t have made it in the first place. You smile at him gratefully, feeling a bit better about where you stand with him. You should’ve known Jeonghan is never one to hold grudges.
“You’re still with him?” He asks, nothing but genuine curiosity in his voice.
You nod, and that sick feeling grips your chest again.
“How is it going?”
“It’s going great.” It’s the rehearsed, Mingyu answer. “He’s really good to me.”
Jeonghan turns his head to you then, watches you for a few beats, and you already know that he knows when his lips tick up in a knowing smile. Your heart skips and your shoulders slump, almost in resignation. Across the bench, his smile softens into a kinder one.
“How is it going?” He repeats.
“It’s going great.” You echo back, but for the first time, you finally finish the thought. “But I’m not happy.”
Jeonghan nods, slowly, like he’s leading you on to continue. And it’s like a dam breaks. All the ugly emotions inside you come pouring out like they were holding on by a thread. You talk yourself hoarse, and Jeonghan does not interrupt even once. Not until you have let all of it out. Not until you’ve told him every single doubt you feel, and how badly you want all of them to go away.
“I feel like a terrible person.” You mumble, feeling spent. “It’s like I was offered this wonderful chance at love, this golden opportunity, with a man who is every girl’s dream, but I still don’t want him. If he doesn’t talk to me for a week, I don’t even feel it. My heart doesn’t break. I don’t feel anything at all.”
Jeonghan takes a deep breath, holding it for a couple of seconds before releasing it in a long whoosh. Subconsciously, you follow his breathing pattern.
“Why would that make you a terrible person?” He says finally.
You frown. “Because he’s perfect and I still don’t want him.”
“He’s not perfect. That’s subjective. And even if he was perfect, he clearly isn’t perfect for you. He could be the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize but if he doesn’t make you feel things inside, then no achievement in the world matters.”
He looks at you, gives you a smile. “You can’t choose who you fall in love with. Where’s the fun in that?”
You watch him, breath caught in your chest, and you feel pressure build behind your eyes, vision turning liquid. Jeonghan notices it too, because he chuckles a bit, shuffling closer to you so that he can reach out, catching the first tear to roll out of your eye with his thumb.
“You feel this expectation on you to live life a certain way.” He mumbles, more gentle this time. “But you can’t fabricate something like this. Some people just speak to your soul, and some don’t.”
You watch him up close, feel how your skin sizzles every time he wipes away another tear. You let your eyelids flutter shut, basking in his touch.
“I miss you.” You blurt out.
Jeonghan sighs a bit, pulling his hand away. You peer at him, gritting your teeth.
“That was stupid to say.”
He laughs. “It wasn’t. I miss you too. We had one hell of a ride, didn’t we?”
You can’t help but smile at that, watching him settle on the bench again. The sky is dark now, and you can see less of him in the dim light. He speaks up again.
“Can I ask you something really fucked up?”
You give him a look. He has that twinkle in his eye that fills you with dread, but you are very curious, so you nod, albeit hesitantly.
“Is he good in bed?”
“Okay, I think that’s my cue to leave.” You immediately stand up, feeling how warm your face is, how Jeonghan laughs loudly at your reaction. You can’t help but smile down at him, giddy, shuffling a few steps closer to the road. He watches you from the bench, sending you a wink. You roll your eyes.
“See you around, Hannie.”
His voice follows you as you leave. “See you around, angel.”
…………………………….
When Jeonghan texts you to have lunch with him the next week, you immediately say yes. Jeonghan had been the first person to listen to you truly and without judgement in months, and you tell him you want to pay for lunch as a thank you. He was a good friend to you in that moment, and this felt like a good way to pay him back for that.
To your surprise, Jaeyoung isn’t happy about it.
“I just don’t think he’s a good influence.” He says when you tell him over dinner one night prior.
“Okay, dad.” You give him a confused look. “You’ve never had a problem with any of my friends before.”
He gives you a sharp look. “I don’t think I would classify Yoon Jeonghan as your friend.”
You gawk at him, shocked. “Excuse me?”
He sighs, as if exasperated with you. “Come on, Y/N. Everyone on campus knows about you two. You hooked up for years. Anyone who knew one of you knew about the other. This can’t be news to you.”
There’s disdain in his voice that makes the hairs on your arms stand up. You feel your body go rigid, and anger boils up in you.
“I had no idea my past was such a problem for you.” You try to keep your voice low and even, despite the alarm bells going off in your head. He doesn’t seem to notice, stabbing his fork into the meat on his plate.
“I decided to move past it. And I think you should too. So seeing Jeonghan doesn’t seem like a good idea.”
You don’t even know where to begin to reply to that. Does he think you will start humping Jeonghan in the middle of a packed restaurant? And what the hell does he mean by ‘decided to move past it’?
“I don’t like your tone.” You grit out, setting your fork down. That makes him pause, and he scowls at you.
“And I don’t like that you want to meet up with the guy who you had sex with for over two years.”
“He’s a friend.” Your fists clench. “He helped me with something recently, and I want to buy him lunch as a thank you.”
Jaeyoung looks up, shocked, as if you had just slapped him. “You’re already seeing him?”
It’s strange how you can never know what a person is truly like even after being with him for a good amount of time. Because you have never seen Jaeyoung this angry before. Dinner is all but forgotten as he shouts at you, saying you have betrayed his trust, that you are ‘just like the rest’, whatever that means, and that you must be so happy messing around with Jeonghan again. It devolves into self pity, saying he has been nothing but nice by giving you a chance after you basically threw yourself at him during labs, but that he should’ve known what that said about you from the start.
His words cut, but you don’t interrupt him even once. You let him go on his tirade, long enough that one of your roommates is finally stepping into the dining room to see what the noise is about. When he shouts at her to fuck off, you finally stand up, pointing at the door.
“Get out.”
He scoffs, and you wonder how you had found him even slightly tolerable for so long.
He calls you a whore on his way out, really sealing the deal for himself, and your roommate gawks at you.
“He really seemed so nice.” She mumbles, helping you clean up the table once you make sure the door is locked. You shake your head.
“I guess you never know.”
Truthfully, you don’t know how to process everything that happened. Everything escalated so quickly, and you feel numb on the inside as you lay in bed that night, staring up blankly at your ceiling. You feel no relief that the relationship you felt trapped in has ended. You don’t feel anything. It unnerves you. You reach for your phone, and before you know it, the dial tone rings in your ear, followed by a click and Jeonghan’s voice pouring in from the earpiece.
“Can you talk?” You ask, hearing him shuffle. There’s some background voices, and then a click followed by silence.
“Yeah, I’m not doing anything.” He’s clearly lying, but you don’t have it in you to question it.
“I broke up with Jaeyoung.” You pause. “Or did he break up with me? I don’t know. It came from both ends, I think.”
You tell him about everything that happened, what he said, what he implied, and how much name calling he did. When you’re done, Jeonghan huffs.
“You know, I’m not good at beating people up, but I know a guy.”
You snort. “Seungcheol?”
He lets out his characteristic tiny chuckle at that. “Consider him at your service.”
You roll your eyes even though he can’t see you. “No, thanks. I know a guy too.”
“Mingyu?”
“Yes.”
Jeonghan laughs again. You can’t help your smile. There are a few beats of silence before he speaks up again.
“How do you feel?”
You think about it before sighing. “I don’t know. I’ve wanted to break up for so long, but I never imagined it would end like this. I think I’m just shocked. I really didn’t expect him to lose his shit that way.”
Jeonghan hums. “What were you saying about him being the perfect guy?”
You wish he was here so he could see the absolutely withering look you would give him. Jeonghan continues talking.
“It’s good that you saw it, at least. Now rather than later. The trash took itself out.”
You turn on your side, settling into bed. He’s right, you know that. From every angle, this is the best case scenario. “Yeah, I guess.”
“You have me to thank, in a sense.”
You sigh painfully, already seeing where this is going. “I’m already paying for one thank-you lunch, Yoon Jeonghan. You aren’t getting another out of me.”
That makes him laugh, and you smile again.
………………………..
“I can’t believe it.”
“Mmhm.”
“I really can’t.”
“I can’t either.”
Mingyu looks at you with wide eyes, and you are reminded painfully of a dog. “Am I that bad a judge of character?”
You sigh, looking up from your laptop. “You’re a great judge of character. Some people are just closeted assholes.”
Mingyu doesn’t let it go though, wondering who else he is wrong about. You are too tired to stop his hyperbole, letting him go on and on while you focus on finishing your paper. You want to be done before lunch, since you are finally meeting up with Jeonghan. It’s been a week already, but you haven’t been able to make time for it until today, and you really don’t want to delay it any longer.
You have been in constant contact with him, either by calls or messages, and it feels like you never stopped talking to him. In fact, it is even better this time around, because he is purely there for you as a friend. He listens to you, all barriers down, and tells you his honest opinions. He knows when to keep the conversation light and when to truly dig into things. Even when you and Jeonghan were hooking up, he was always a good person to talk to, but now it feels like you are really exploring that side of him, and you really like what you are seeing.
All those feelings that were locked shut in a box inside your brain come rushing back, like they never left. Only two weeks into talking to him again, you feel like you haven't been apart from Jeonghan at all. You feel less pathetic about yourself this time around, accepting this part of you wholeheartedly. There’s just no way around it. It’s like you were made to admire Jeonghan, to be in love with him. You had spent too much time trying to feel things that you simply couldn’t. No amount of effort can change your genuine feelings.
Jaeyoung had done one good thing for you, at least. He has shown you where you stand right now, the poison that can spread in your mind, body and soul when you try to be someone you’re not. You had been happier pining for Jeonghan for years than you were in a relationship with Jaeyoung. Because you were truer to your heart back then. So despite knowing Jeonghan wasn’t fully in it, it didn’t hurt an bad as it hurt being an imposter in your own skin.
Lunch is invigorating. Jeonghan has a way of keeping people on their toes, and you are no exception to his rule. You don’t even realise how quickly time flies, not until you’re paying the bill and walking out, surprised by how a couple of hours didn’t feel like it at all. Jeonghan suggests getting ice cream, claiming he wants something sweet, and you both end up at a small truck with a modest line. The weather is a nice mix of hot and cold, and you talk yourselves hoarse as you walk back to campus. It is easily the most carefree you have felt in many months.
“Come back to my place.” Jeonghan says as you draw closer to campus. Your eyes widen and you stutter a bit, which only makes him giggle.
“Not like that, perv. Joshua and Seungcheol miss you. They said it would be nice to see you again.”
You feel heat creep up your neck, and you purse your lips, looking away. “You’re the perv.”
He hums, unfazed, changing directions so you can head to his apartment. “Loud and proud.”
You shake your head, but it takes biting your lip to hide your smile. There’s something frustrating about Jeonghan, but in a very endearing way. On one hand, he truly irritates you, to the point that you have to refrain from swearing at him. On the other, you want him to keep doing it, because this is exactly how Jeonghan shows care for the people around him. If he didn’t care, he wouldn’t try at all. And he’s never mean about it, it’s more strange quips than anything else. Monotony is a word that doesn’t exist in his vocabulary.
Seungcheol and Joshua welcome you like you’ve just returned from war, arms wide and cheery greetings on their smiling lips. You laugh and give them both weird looks but sit on the couch anyway, surprised at how little their place has changed. You used to be here every few days, and then you completely stopped, so it is exciting being back. Jeonghan leaves you in the living room with his friends, who hound you with questions and updates of their own. Failed relationships, Seungcheol’s budding attempt to open a gym, and whatever new hobby Joshua is currently obsessed with (beaded bracelets). Despite already having a meal, you end up sharing their snacks, TV long forgotten in the background. You are surprised when Jeonghan saunters back into the room, vigorously toweling his wet hair.
“Oh, what the hell?” You check your phone, shocked that you had lost track of time so badly. “I should go, I’ve been here forever.”
Jeonghan pouts, and you have to stop yourself from fawning over it. “But I just got here.”
“We spent the whole day together.” You deadpan.
“And you would rather not spend one second more with me.”
You roll your eyes. “Yup, that’s it. I’m not coddling you, Yoon Jeonghan. You’re too spoiled as is.”
He only wiggles his eyebrows at you, grinning. Damp strands of hair fall over his face, and he doesn’t bother pushing them away, following you to the door and watching you tug your shoes on.
“Today was fun.” He mumbles, leaning against the wall.
“It really was. Who would’ve thought we would be great even without the sex?” You joke.
Jeonghan winks in response, watching you move to the door. You sway awkwardly in place for a second before swinging the door open. You repeat the same phrase you said before as you left the park bench on the day you rekindled a spark you previously lost.
“See you around, Hannie.”
“See you around, angel.”
………………………..
You kind of got over the whole college party experience a while ago, but when Jeonghan begs you to come with him to one on the weekend, you give in to his insistence. You do know you have ulterior motives, because dressing up for a party is the only time Jeonghan ever actually puts effort into looking good. Normally, he doesn’t have to. He’s so effortlessly handsome that everything just aligns for him, but today he is decked up when he comes to get you, leather jacket, dark jeans and a graphic tee. You can’t help but run your eyes over him, and of course that makes him insufferable in return.
“Like what you see?”
You roll your eyes, grabbing your phone and keys before following him out. “You are painfully cliché.”
“I don’t need to be creative, princess. Everything else does the talking.” He gestures over himself to emphasise his point.
You shove at him hard, making him stumble. He looks you over when he recovers, and you try not to shiver under the weight of his gaze. He whistles.
“Maybe we should bail on the party.”
“And do what?”
He opens the passenger door of his car for you, giving you a meaningful look, accompanied by that smirk of his.
“Each other.”
You push him out of the way and he laughs, closing the door once you settle in. You try to calm your racing heart as he drops into the driver’s seat, but the air is charged a bit differently between the two of you today. You don’t know what it is, but the way you look at him, and the way he looks at you, it is heavier than before. Something is sizzling just under the surface, and you are unsure what you want to do about it.
You want him bad. Every conversation with him has some underlying flirting going on ever since you rekindled your connection, and you know that if you were to initiate something, Jeonghan would enthusiastically reciprocate. But you don’t know if you want to fall into this limbo with him again, the same one that had you pining for him for years on end, with no reciprocation from his side. You doubt yourself, question these weighted glances and lingering touches, softer than they have ever been before, and you wonder if Jeonghan could ever want you the way you want him.
You need a drink. Immediately.
You make a beeline to the kitchen of whatever party you end up at. It’s obviously someone rich, or maybe a lot of them pooled money to get an Airbnb, but you couldn’t care less. The counters are stocked with drinks, and you purse your lips, contemplating. It’s loud, your head pounding along with the music. Shouts bleed in from the back door, followed by laughter. Jeonghan winds an arm around you to press a beer into your hand, and you make a face.
“I was hoping for something stronger.”
He shakes his head, taking a swig from his own bottle. “I wouldn’t touch any of the open stuff.”
You don’t know why, but you just go along with what he says. You silently accept the bottle, sipping on it. It’s ice cold, but it warms your chest as it goes down. You nurse it as you let Jeonghan lead you outside through the back door, recognising familiar faces that Jeonghan eases you both into conversations with. You had forgotten how popular he is, but it comes back to you now as people come and say hi, or stay for a short chat. You are acutely aware of his hand, hot on the small of your back, sliding to the side and gripping your hip when he has to tug you to follow him, before returning to your back. But it never leaves your person, and your legs feel like jelly the longer you feel him. You almost want to step closer, more into his embrace, and you have to physically hold back from doing so.
You watch Jeonghan’s profile, the delicate slope of his nose and the plump height of his lips. It astounds you how beautiful he is, especially when he is laughing and talking like this. He definitely knows it too, of course he does, but he is never truly arrogant about it. Everything he says is in jest, and he understands how little it all means in the grand scheme of things. But here, illuminated by back porch lights, there’s something very charming about him. You know girls are looking, because they always do, because it’s Jeonghan, but you don’t care.
“You’re staring.” He comments, throwing his arm around your shoulder now. You respond with what is already on your mind.
“So is everyone else.”
He shakes his head, looking down at you. The proximity puts his face inches from yours. “It’s different when it comes from you.”
Your heart races again. The back of your neck is warm.
“Why?” Your voice is low, but he hears it. “Why is it different when it comes from me?”
He does it again, that genuine little smile, the honey in his eyes. He looks at no one at this uncomfortably crowded party except you. “You know why.”
“Say it.” You challenge him. Because you are tired of games. You are tired of emotional extremes. “Say it, and I’ll let you fuck me in the back seat of your car just like that very first time.”
His grip on your shoulder tightens, pulling your body into his, but his eyes are earnest as they flick between yours. “I wanted to take it slow this time, angel. Court you properly.”
You scoff. “What is this, the 1800s?”
“Excuse me for being a gentleman.”
“You’ve never been a gentleman. Don’t start faking now.”
“You know,” he pulls away just a bit, pouting thoughtfully into the distance, but there’s mirth and mockery in his eyes, “I never expected my first love confession to be so riddled with insults.”
Your cheek twitches with irritation. “You know what? Keep it. I don’t need your love confession.”
He laughs when you try to pull away from him, arm stiff over your shoulders so that your attempts fail.
“Don’t be like that!” He sounds like a whiny baby. “I’m trying to be romantic.”
“You’re failing miserably.” You try to tug again, but this time he leans into your movement, following along with you as you trudge in through the back door and into the house. He places his still half full beer on the counter, taking yours from your hand and doing the same. You don’t bother with it, repeating your earlier words.
“I don’t want your love confession anymore.”
You’re being childish, you know. And you’re not entirely serious now either. It’s fun to banter with Jeonghan like this, to lighten the rawness of your feelings. Truthfully, your heart is heavy with euphoria, at the thought that this could be something more. Jeonghan has all but shouted from the rooftops that he wants more from your relationship this time. He drapes himself over you now, effectively making you drag both your bodies out of the house and down the driveway.
“Get off.” You elbow him, but he only grips you harder, burying his face in your hair and laying a kiss on the side of your neck. You yelp at the sudden touch.
“Yoon Jeonghan-”
He groans. “It’s kind of a turn on for me when you say my full name.”
When you stop at the car, he finally lets you go, but just enough to turn you so you are facing him, before using his entire body to press you into the side of the car. His pupils are dilated in this proximity. His tongue peeks out to run over his bottom lip, and you don’t even hide how your eyes follow the movement. It makes the corner of his mouth tick up in a lazy smirk. It irritates you. You want to wipe it off his face. So you kiss him.
Jeonghan knows exactly how to get what he wants from you.
He responds with a passion that has him pressing you harder into the car, lips moving frantically over yours. It’s rushed and fiery, like kissing isn’t enough and he wants to devour you. You moan into the feeling, the shivers that rush down your spine like waves of a pond disturbed by a rock thrown into it. You kick your leg out from his pressing hold just enough to draw it up, brushing against the side of his thigh. He encourages you, grips your bare knee tightly to pull your leg up further over his hip. It opens you up enough for him to grind his rapidly growing erection into you. His lips don’t slow even once, tongue invading your mouth with no preamble, tilting his head so he can go deeper, as if he’s determined to not let you breathe.
“Fucking hell.” His voice is throaty and deeper than usual, that timbre he gets when he’s addled with lust. His mouth doesn’t separate from yours for the second, and you fist his T-shirt tight so he can’t even think of moving away.
“Hannie,” you whimper, already feeling like your mental faculties are slowly draining away, “fuck me. Please. Missed you so bad.”
“Not here, angel.” He groans, and it’s strained enough for you to know this is near painful for him. “Nobody sees this pussy except me.”
“Car. Now.”
“Really don’t think our first time properly together should be in a car-”
“Oh, fuck your romance!” You pull away to glare at him, but he looks more amused than anything, despite the flush high on his cheeks and his raw-bitten lips. “Is it not enough that I need you so bad I’m willing to do it in a car? Twice?”
Jeonghan is grinning down at you now, fully unabashed, using his grip on your leg to grind into you again. Your eyelids flutter, your frown melting a bit as a flicker of pleasure zips up from your core. It’s not nearly enough, not with the thick, rough material of his jeans, and your frustration bubbles even more.
“Are you going to fuck me?” You breathe out. “Or do I need to ask someone else?”
That gets him. Something dark falls over his eyes like a curtain, and he is suddenly pulling you both off the car to tug the door open. You climb inside and he locks the doors, immediately pulling you into his lap and locking his mouth with yours again. You grind on his crotch with more control now, arching into him as he gathers your dress to bunch it over your hips. You work frantically to undo his jeans, pulling his boxers down just enough to let his cock spring out. It’s hard as a rock, tip a deep pink, angry and leaking already, neglected. Your mouth waters, you want to taste him, but your pussy weeps harder at the sight, and you can’t deprive yourself of the delicious slide of him inside you any longer.
Jeonghan reaches up to tug harshly at your hair as you push your panties aside and line yourself up against him. The painful zip through your scalp makes your knees falter, and you sink down on him in one burning rough stroke. He curses into your mouth, and in the dim light, the close proximity, you see his eyes roll up. It lights your entire body on fire, watching him fall apart at the seams just because he felt you around him. He makes no secret of his pleasure either, groaning in satisfaction into your lips, tongue still halfway in your mouth.
“Should’ve killed that bastard the second I saw him.” He gasps out. “Can’t believe I lived without this pussy for so long.”
You whine and rock your hips into him, feeling how his tip nudges you right where you need him the most, makes you clench up around him, jaw going slack as you moan again. Jeonghan grips your hips tight.
“Come on, baby. You were so ready before. Ride it like you mean it.”
You lift up, drop down again, undulating your hips so your clit can grind into his navel. You alternate between heavy drops of your hips and rough circles ground on his cock, savoring the feeling of him inside you. You missed him so badly. You watch Jeonghan, and his eyes meet yours. They’re half lidded and cloudy with nothing but unfiltered lust, mouth parted so he can take in short, choppy breaths. He watches you watching him, and you see his teeth sink into his bottom lip.
His hand reaches up, wrapping around your throat. Thin, graceful fingers that seize your neck, pressing into the skin until your head is thrown back, brushing the roof of the car, and your pace becomes more frantic, depraved with the need to chase your high. Jeonghan wraps his free arm around you and plants his feet firmly on the floor so he can piston harshly into you, over and over until your eyes are squeezed shut and you can only stay in place, taking what he is giving to you.
“I’m gonna cum.” You gasp, feeling the coil tighten in your lower stomach, tingles spreading over your vulva as your pussy clenches around his rapidly thrusting cock.
“Wait for me.” He grits.
You wail, eyes cloudy with tears that slip out when you squeeze them shut.
“I can’t, Hannie, I can’t.” You nearly sob, feeling lightheaded as you choke against his grip, his pace getting rougher still.
“Yes, you can.” He coos, though it’s rough and staccatoed. “Have you forgotten everything I taught you, angel? Be a good girl. Don’t disappoint me.”
He tugs you down by the grip on your throat, looking into your unfocused, teary eyes. Your body protests, your teetering orgasm only threatened even more at how wrecked he looks, disheveled hair and face flushed pink. His upper lip swelters with sweat, and he breathes heavy as he rams up into you, over and over. Your body protests, pussy gushing with the effort of holding on.
He gives you that fucking smirk again.
“Cum.”
You nearly black out with the force of it, arching so deeply that your entire body slumps into Jeonghan. He releases his grip on your throat the second your orgasm hits, and the euphoria of the blood rushing into your head has you reeling, dizzy and trembling in his hands, his cock pounding into you a few more times before he is groaning and emptying himself inside you. It’s warm and dribbles past your hole, running down his balls to create a wet, sticky mess.
You take in harsh breaths, blinking rapidly to try and clear your precariously swimming vision. Your head rests on his shoulder, and you feel full body shudders rack through you as the remnants of your orgasm melt away. Jeonghan smoothes his hands over your thighs, and you can feel how rapidly his chest rises and falls. He tuts after a moment of silence passes.
“I had a whole thing planned, you know? Back at my place.”
You lift yourself up enough to look at him, surprised. “You knew this would happen?”
“I was planning on it.”
You purse your lips. “How did you know I would agree?”
Jeonghan gives you a look that makes your teeth clench.
“Princess, let’s not pretend-”
You smack him hard on the chest so he doesn’t complete his sentence and he barks out a pained laugh, grabbing the offending wrist. He brings it closer to his lips, pressing them to the spot where he can feel your pulse. You soften, wondering if he can feel the exact moment your heart starts racing. He smiles at you, wrapping both arms around you so you can settle in his embrace. You feel your body relax.
“I love you.”
You can’t help your smile. You don’t even try to hide it. You know he can feel it against his skin. You don’t care.
“I told you I don’t need your love confession anymore.”
He hums. “I’m doing this for me more than you. I just left a lot unsaid last time and I regretted it. I don’t like doing things half-assed, but I did with you. And it killed me when you left.”
A beat passes, you rise and fall over his chest with every breath he takes. You let his words hang in the air, an open admission that settles in your heart with a finality that eases you. Like everything is falling into place. So you close your eyes, and throw your own admission out there. Because Jeonghan deserves to know.
“I love you, too.”
taglist: @picheolin-17 , @lovelylonelinesssvt
