Fighting for freedom

The girl who's spent her teens entrenched in her Anorexia Nervosa since the age of 12 and at 21 years young is now on her way to recovering and recreating a life for herself.

[behind-the-mental-illness]

This has literally been me since being discharged from treatment and it scares the hell out of me every day.

[stay-yourself-0]

[legallyblonde]

[mitten]

[cwote]

[h-fights]

believe it gals and bois.

[animalsnaps]

[movemequotes]

[hipindie]

[h-fights]

That negativity that breeds and grows in our minds is just toxic. It makes me so angry. Those crippling thoughts that come sneaking in as I look in the mirror. They are destructive, out of control and irrational. I can’ve live that way anymore. I want to make change in that respect. In the respect of loving myself. fall in love with looking after yourself. <3 

[obesitycore2-deactivated2018120]

Have you ever been able to literally feel yourself starting a new part of your life

[h-fights]

Right now

[tiny-facts]

You know you are doing well when you lose the interest of looking back.

(via hack-zone)

Fuck yeah

[criwes]

[metamorphosisofmeg]

it’s hard because a lot of the time recovery doesn’t feel like winning. it doesn’t feel like freedom and happiness. recovery isn’t always laughing over lunch with friends. it’s not constantly feeling like the strongest person in the world. times like those you’ve got to remember just because it doesn’t feel like winning even though it doesn’t feel like freedom and happiness neither does it feel like coldness and hunger no longer are you fading away so maybe it isn’t laughing over lunch with friends or feeling like the strongest person in the word but neither is it dying alone in your bedroom and you know you’re stronger than you were before recovery isn’t always going to feel great it’s not always going to be the best but recovery isn’t going to kill you it’s a whole lot better than the alternative

[serious]

[dailyinspirationquotes]

[meg36-blog]

An eating disorder. This is not about food. This is not about looking good in a dress or wanting to be a supermodel. This is not about wanting the cute guys to turn their heads and stare at your beauty. This is not about going to a store, sliding a size zero skirt over your hipbones, and laughing all the way to the check out counter. This is not about wanting attention. This is not about enjoying feeling death and refusing food until you need to be force fed with a tube in an ICU. It is not about deliberately pissing off the nurses on the ED unit by hiding your clif bar and boost under your sweatshirt and stashing butter in the bed pans. It is not about selfless starving for all the children in Africa. It is not about the latest fad diet or losing the holiday weight. It is not about reading fashion magazines and pining for the Body Mass Index of Paris Hilton’s pet Chihuahua. It is not about getting a good man/woman. It is not about religion, G-d, the media or culture. This is about having the self-esteem of an insect. This is a polite way of committing suicide. This is about having no life because it’s impossible to go out with friends to a restaurant and order a bowl of dry lettuce. This is about weighing, measuring and counting pasta, cereal, raisins and anything that passes your lips, including toothpaste. This is about secrets and lies and shame. This is about not wanting to admit that you need to eat. That you deserve to live. This is about being scared. This is about being terrified. Of everything. This is about control. This is about numbing away the feelings of abuse. This is about starving away the pain. This is about wanting to disappear as to not be taken advantage of again. This is about hiding under layers of clothing that are mostly black so that no one sees your womanly body. This is about non verbal communication. This is about avoiding. This is about denying the past. This is about intense self hatred. This is about needing so much that you can’t stand it. This is about wanting to not need anything at all. This is about not wanting to be touched but afraid to be let go. This is about having emotions that bubble up and spill out and scare people away. This is about being so overwhelmed and traumatized that it’s easier to avoid everything by obsessing over the amount of calories in a grapefruit. It is about getting lost in the mirror and scale instead taking responsibility and just f*cking dealing. This is about wanting to be safe. This is about wanting to curl up in a nutshell and ignore the big bad world that’s too noisy and dangerous and can’t be trusted. This is about not trusting anyone and relying on food (or lack of) to give you an all enveloping comfort blanket when the feelings bloat you up and make you feel fat, ugly and intolerable in your skin. This is about really crappy coping methods. This is about a way of life you’ve known for 13 years. This is about habit and second nature. This is about making a choice that will quite possibly kill you. This is about chaotic relationships, hospitalizations, devastated families, worried friends, treatment programs, trying and failing, and more hospitalizations. This is about losing your period, failed kidneys, and hollow bones. This is about cardiac arrest at age 21. This is about being sick. This is about not being sick enough to think you need, or agree to go into, treatment. This is about being so sick that you have to be court ordered into a hospital. This is about trying to be understood. This is about fighting with all you’ve got and more hard work than you ever imagined. This is about exhaustion and tears and needing support. This is about fighting a battle with yourself and the world. This is about trying to survive. This is not about food.

From a friend on Facebook. It was just too amazing and powerful to not share it.  (via anthipode)

Beautifully written. So so so well put.

[fedis-coffee-deactivated2019082]

You. Can’t. Recover. From. An. Eating. Disorder. By. Finding. Alternative. Ways. Of. Restriction.