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24 // hanna // she/her // for someone this happy I sure like sad stuff

[hahahahanna]

If you ever consider texting your ex, read this entry from my journal written soon before I broke up with mine.

Disclaimer/context: this was years ago. I was young and struggled coming to the decision to break up. It is angsty, but it's a good reminder when I start romanticising some of the memories too much - we were far from perfect, and that pain still sometimes haunts me, years later.

Am I missing something...? Where is this sadness coming from?

It's difficult to find my place knowing none of them are home.

Hurt.

Happens all the time. Failed expectations. The sole fact that expectations exist can cause hurt.

Wishes, dreams. What do I really want? I keep missing something. And having too much of other things.

I just really want to find something of my own. Something for myself. Not entertainment. Not time spent alone. I just want my everyday to be truly mine. Not adapted to others and their needs.

At some point what I want and what others want for me have gone in different directions.

Feeling the weight of the expectations of others weigh down on my shoulders, I started to seek routine. So that my everyday melts into one long drag of repetitive events. So that it becomes hard to separate one day from another.

My expectations? I suppose I have to rethink them. Because it turns out, being in a relationship with someone faithful who respects me isn't enough. I want more. I want to be happy to see a new message. I want to anticipate the next time we see each other. I don't have such feelings now. At some point, something stopped working, I don't know when. And since then, I haven't felt anything good.

Regret. Because coming back to our apartment abroad will be delayed. Will I even get to go back? Probably just to pack my stuff. And maybe say bye to my friends.

Guilt. Because I'm dragging this out, and delaying a result we'll get to anyway.

[hahahahanna]

Getting into romantic relationships while you’re young hits different.

You don’t even realize how much you are risking - because how would you know? All that matters is getting closer to this person, who is perfection, who completes you, gets you like no-one else.

There’s something thrilling about this trust and confidence you put into the relationship. Maybe you end up showing this person parts of you that you don’t share with anyone. Maybe you start realizing that you suddenly can’t imagine a future without them. Maybe you live some of your firsts with them. You feel like nothing can ever go wrong, because it’s you, and them, and so everything will be okay.

You have all this trust because you’re young, inexperienced, and naïve - and while these can be perceived as negative, they don’t have to be. Being young often means that life is not as complicated yet; your worries may feel all-consuming, but looking back you will maybe find yourself nostalgic for those times. Being inexperienced means you have a pure perspective - still relatively free from the influences that you will amass throughout life. Being naïve means that you may give something a chance, that this grown-up, “wise”, cautious you wouldn’t.

Years will go by, and maybe you’ll stay together, or you won’t. Whatever happens, you’ll have made memories, and they will remain yours.

[hahahahanna]

Few things are scarier than realizing at any moment that you are slowly becoming overwhelmed by how many things are unknown and still to be determined. It’s like you can see the chaos begin to happen, as things slip out of your grip, and there is nothing you can do other than watch.

Similarly, few things are as empowering as learning to accept the unknowns and understanding that you can’t prepare for all possibilities. Once you let yourself breathe freely of the expectation to be ready for anything that can happen, suddenly you have all this energy and time, and patience to do things you really care about.

[hahahahanna]

Seeing art and feeling like it’s directed at you is one of those experiences that affect you so deeply, but also are most difficult to explain to someone else.

[hahahahanna]

Breakups are surprisingly weird if you’re the one making the decision.

You make this decision believing it’s the best for all parties involved. A tremendous responsibility.

Even if you make this choice knowing it is the right thing for you, there still may come this moment of doubt. Am I over this yet? Am I over the relationship? The other person/people?

How can you know you have truly moved on?

Breakups are alienating, especially if you end up also losing the connections you’ve built thanks to this relationship outside of it - family, friends. Suddenly you are not part of their lives anymore. Suddenly these people, who maybe shared their wisdom and warmth with you, no longer feel like family. Suddenly, it feels inappropriate to go to them for comfort. Because while there may be no sides to this breakup, it’s as though there were. And you know these people wouldn’t be on your side. It’s like by letting go of your relationship, you also give up a chunk of your support system.

You may have fallen out of love with this person/people a while before the breakup happened. You may realize this before the breakup happens. You may grieve the what-could-have-beens if you didn’t before the breakup happens.

But don’t let it be a reason to put pressure on yourself to not feel when the breakup happens.

There are no rules. There is no standard.

There is just what you need and what feels right. Allow yourself to be your own comfort person.