❝ Oh man, no, I don’t want to go anywhere now. ❞
he clings to tim, finally chaining his restlessness. brian wouldn’t dare to leave now, not while filling the cold, still curves of tim’s body with his own feverish, twitching mass of limbs— which perhaps spoke too loudly about his utmost DESIRE to be accepted and held down. he rubs his nose against the soft fabric of tim’s ever-present flannel shirt, inhaling the oh, so familiar scents of CURSED BLOOD, hospital and nicotine— his little threads that he so eagerly wrapped around himself in order to tie down his squirming body which didn’t need to be seen by the world right now. it probably can’t handle him right now— not with his torn nature which cannot even decide what is the DIFFERENCE between the man and the beast. the world can’t handle him right now, but tim can, tim can chain him down and keep him close— and it’s not imprisonment because brian chooses that willingly. and he does, oh god, he does. sometimes it was hard for him to think about himself in terms other than ‘B U R D E N’, but— tim can always walk away and yet he never does. not even with vicious claw marks adorning his pale face, not even with brian’s awful half-growls still hanging in the air between them. tim always chose to stay ( and for some reason that is incredibly important to brian, he can’t quite understand why ). still nuzzling his head against tim’s chest— more scents, he smoked three cigarettes today, more scents, more attachment —he wordlessly continued to ask for affection that shouldn’t be given to someone like him, at least not now. but every beast deserves to be loved and every monster retreats claws when faced with complete acceptance and TRUST. he is unpredictable ( a rash creature of instincts— rip maim feed hunger hunt kill stop watch run ) but tim is not. whatever brian does in his full moon-induced haze— TIM IS GOING TO STAY.
❝ Sorry for not being fun, I hate being like this. ❞ the wolf inside of him shakes its head disapprovingly ( there are more important things to take care of, the moon is coming, weak-weak-weak, you are weak, we can only find comfort between trees as tall as the hills ) and retreats to its corner in the back of brian’s skull, finally settling down, if only for a while. brian offers a sigh brimming with RELIEF, breathing it into tim’s unmoving chest as if he could refill his dead lungs somehow. his eyes are closed as he continues to entangle their bodies together, voluntarily walking into a trap and letting himself be caught (hopefully forever).
❝ God, I love you so much. ❞
his strained words probably
sound needy & desperate,
but he finds it HARD to care
about t h a t right now.
right now he wants to belong.
❝ ---- no worries. i got you. ❞
when you're staring into the frozen faraway sky on the darkest night in december, it's so easy to forget what june felt like, so easy to forget the sound of cicadas & crickets, so easy to let the memory be buried in the snowdrifts until you can't recall ever having ANYTHING BETTER THAN THIS. sometimes when the thoughts roaming their way through his head ( they never stop, he doesn't sleep ) become too vicious to hold back he'll pause & he'll let them do their damage -- then jay will walk into the room, jay will walk in and tim will see the fight to hold back memories of alex behind his eyes -- for tim's still & pale & cold, no breath-no movement-no life and so so still you're left half-convinced RIGOR MORTIS has set in. ( alex was always like that, jay has never SAID SO but tim can see it when he goes still, jay has never been able to hide the way his jaw sets & his words start to stammer their way out of his mouth as if he's forgotten how to string them together into proper sentences. ) and tim will grimace smile & force himself to shift, move restlessly, break his comforting STILLNESS with unwelcome MOVEMENT, force his chest to RISE & FALL as if he has a single living cell for the oxygen to benefit. and they will pretend, the both of them ;; jay will pretend that he never noticed tim SO STILL in the first place and tim will pretend that this MOCKERY OF LIFE does not feel so ALIEN.
yes, when you're staring into the frozen faraway sky on
the darkest night of december it's so much EASIER to
forget the warmth of june than to remember how it feels,
just in case it never returns.
but then there's warm twitching restless LIFE surrounding him, breathing fire back into his silent heart, and he pulls brian to him like a lifeboat in a storm because oh, god, it's so easy to forget the warmth of june but when it comes rushing back to you all at once it's so goddamn hard to let it get away again. and he should have to, that much he knows, this feeling is a privilege reserved for those with HEAVING LUNGS & BEATING HEARTS, not hollow bloodless veins, not skin this cold. no, he has more right to inhabit a COFFIN than a couch, more right to be SIX FEET UNDERGROUND than here & now ( besides, it was never really meant for him, he was born dying, he was never intended to know what it feels like to live ). but tim has never done what he's supposed to -- he's supposed to be buried, he's supposed to be forgotten, at the very least he's supposed to HATE BRIAN for the unwelcome tenant in his mind -- and he's always been greedy as hell, so he just cards his fingers through brian's hair and marvels at how he can breathe being into a creature who's belonged to death from birth.
❝ it's not your fault that wolf of yours has
some kind of selenomania problem.
besides, you're always fun. ❞
yes, he's always been greedy as hell so he just entagles
himself further with brian ( hopefully inextricably ) and
marvels at how he manages to store away enough life
somewhere in that tall lean frame not just for TWO,
but for THREE.
❝ ---- have i ever told you how much i love you ?? ❞
plenty of times. but never enough.
