when you do not contact me i maliciously hope you are not doing well.
when i don’t see the light of your windows,
i do hope
that you are bored listening to your cool friend
or tired
or out of coke to feel fun.
when i am standing strong
or rather lying or sitting
moderately resistant
to the temptation of making sure
you are still there alive
i hope that you are not bored
that you found someone
or someone found you -
good luck with that tho.
that way
the parting would be mellowed
by the bittersweet refusal
of any responsibility
for single-handedly
fucking things up.
it would kind of excuse
your unwillingness
to be with me.
because it might look like
(in my self-preserving delusion)
that it was just not made to happen.
and spare
from flagellating
meself:
hunting for blackheads
of my personality‘s
imperfections;
and demagoguing about
what could have i fixed
to witness it functioning,
to contemplate
the denkbild
of me
being worthy
of you
even imagining
the slightest chance
of falling in love
in actual
not drunken
fucked up high
but actual
falling in actual
goddamn you fucking insecure narcissist
of falling in love with me
second half of 2022