i need to feel more comfortable with my grey-aro label so i’m gonna do some grey-aro enjolras headcanons because projecting onto enjolras is how i cope with everything LETS GO
all throughout his childhood, the only crushes enjolras would get were on fictional characters, and even then it was more of a fascination with them than actual romantic feelings
at school, he couldn’t tell the difference between a crush and just thinking someone is cool so he never pursued anything, which he didn’t mind. he really based all his worth on academics and he thought relationships would get in the way of that
in high school (i only know the american school system so i’m sorry french people if this isn’t how it is for you) all of his friends started dating, and a friend of a friend had a crush on him. enjolras desperately wanted to feel normal, especially because he was struggling with his gender, so he started dating this person
needless to say it didn’t work. enjolras waited and waited for the romantic feelings to come but they never did. eventually he decided it wasn’t fair to the person he dated if enjolras continued the relationship. they wanted different things, and this kind of drove a wedge between him and his friends because his friends didn’t understand why he was breaking up with his partner. this left enjolras feeling even more alone
finally he graduates and goes to college and starts over. he presents as male and doesn’t tell people he’s trans, and people just assume he’s gay because he doesn’t have any attraction to women or, well, anyone really. he does find men attractive and he likes different looks on men, but he never looks for a relationship because he doesn’t feel any romance
befriending les amis, first courfeyrac and combeferre, then feuilly, then bahorel and grantaire, and finally joly, bossuet, and jehan, was really beneficial for him. he learned about the term aromantic and he finally felt like he knew who he was
until grantaire had to throw a wrench into the whole thing. ever so slowly, with each battle of wills with grantaire, enjolras starts feeling things he never did before. and when i say slowly i mean YEARS. it takes until he gets his bachelors and is going into his masters program that he even notices that he feels differently about grantaire than he does his other friends.
he had a “crush” on feuilly, which sent him into a spiral for a little bit before realizing he just felt great respect for him, but other than that, he just loved his friends platonically and deeply, even grantaire, so he didn’t really notice the slow change. finally when he catches himself thinking about a potential future with grantaire and how much he would love to be held in his strong arms (grantaire shows off his arms when he comes back from boxing with bahorel) and he’s like oh fuck
by this point in his life, anytime he has a crisis, enjolras goes directly to courfeyrac and combeferre. courfeyrac is his emotional side and combeferre is his logical side and they just get him more than anyone else in his life. courf calms enjolras down and is like “labels change it’s ok” and enjolras is like “but what the fuck am i feeling? i don’t want to go into a relationship and end up not liking it. i don’t want to lose grantaire as a friend” so combeferre suggests journaling. any time he feels what he considers “non platonic” feelings for grantaire, take a note on his phone and after a few months, review them and decide whether that counts as romance for him.
enjolras does this and subsequently confused the hell out of R because they would be in the middle of an argument and enjolras would pick up his phone and write something down then go back to the argument
finally, he decides that he DOES have romantic feelings for grantaire. they may be different romantic feelings than a traditional hallmark movie love, but it’s his own way of feeling.
he ends up asking R out , and on the first date enjolras explains that he has a crush on grantaire but he isn’t really a fan of affection, he only tolerates it in small amounts and only in private, so he may not express his love in the usual way.
grantaire is honestly really happy about it because when enj asked him out, he was worried their debates would go away and he would lose the enjolras he knows. he fully accepts that being grey aromantic is a part of enjolras, and he’s not going to ask him to change for him
enjolras briefly considers the term “queer platonic relationship” but he just doesn’t think it fits with how he and grantaire work, but he does keep it in the back of his mind for helping other aromantic people and he looks back on his past and sees where, if people understood him, he could have had a relationship like that
enjolras doesn’t believe in soulmates, but he does think grantaire is his one true love. it took 26 years for him to feel romantic attraction, and even then it’s not fully the way non aromantic people feel love, but he knows that if he is going to fall in love with someone, it’s grantaire
ok i know i ended this in romance but that’s because i do like the idea of a romantic relationship i just don’t feel romance frequently or as fully as someone who isn’t aromatic and this is MY projection post I get to pick the ending lmaooo
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
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