My Recovery Diary

26, ED recovery

[hannahvsana]

Hey, how's life and recovery going with you lately? I hope you're doing okay x

Hi! Apologies, I’ve only just seen this ask.

In short, life and recovery are going so well. I started this blog a decade ago as a very scared 14 year old, and at 25 I’m happier than I ever thought I’d be. There are still some challenges I work through in terms of my ED, but recovery is a constant choice we have to make and I’d choose it every time.

I suppose the big news is that I’m publishing a book about my recovery from anorexia with Bloomsbury!

I still can’t believe it. Writing a book about how reengaging with nature supported my recovery has been a dream for 5 years. I worked my ass off at university to achieve the grades needed to take a Masters in nature writing — I’ve just finished and get my results on Friday 🤯 and now that hard work has paid off in a book deal with one of the biggest publishers. I quit my job 4 months ago and now I’m a full-time author.

So if you’re interested in learning more about my recovery, unromanticised but conscious about triggers, Bird Feeder will be published in Spring 2027.

Thank you to everybody who’s followed and supported me over the last decade. I’m so proud of how far I’ve come in terms of recovery and self confidence, and I can’t wait to share this next chapter with you (pun fully intended).

You can learn more about this venture and my general nature writing on my blog:

Han Birding

Explore Hannah Lilly's journey in nature writing, birding, and mental wellbeing, with insights on her book, blog, and wildlife experiences i

[louisegluckpdf]

they won't tell you this in therapy but sometimes the best way to stop catastrophizing/anxiety is to interrupt your spiraling with "girl what the hell are you talking about"

[ytpreviews]

It's not a cure but you have no idea how many times this image has helped me with my OCD

[notgreatthanks]

This tag has been more effective than any meds I’ve ever taken

[majestictortoise]

puttering around the house is an underrated form a self-care. make some tea or coffee. put on a podcast. sort the mail. tidy some pillows and fold some blankets. start the laundry. thaw some soup. just casually wander around aimlessly doing little things to make your space and life a little nicer. who cares if you get distracted or only do a little. you aren't being productive. you're puttering.

[brightwanderer]

I think a lot about how we as a culture have turned “forever” into the only acceptable definition of success.

Like… if you open a coffee shop and run it for a while and it makes you happy but then stuff gets too expensive and stressful and you want to do something else so you close it, it’s a “failed” business. If you write a book or two, then decide that you don’t actually want to keep doing that, you’re a “failed” writer. If you marry someone, and that marriage is good for a while, and then stops working and you get divorced, it’s a “failed” marriage.

The only acceptable “win condition” is “you keep doing that thing forever”. A friendship that lasts for a few years but then its time is done and you move on is considered less valuable or not a “real” friendship. A hobby that you do for a while and then are done with is a “phase” - or, alternatively, a “pity” that you don’t do that thing any more. A fandom is “dying” because people have had a lot of fun with it but are now moving on to other things.

I just think that something can be good, and also end, and that thing was still good. And it’s okay to be sad that it ended, too. But the idea that anything that ends is automatically less than this hypothetical eternal state of success… I don’t think that’s doing us any good at all.

[achillesinhighheels]

[ahtokasano]

hello friendly reminder that you do not need a special occasion to use nice things! if you wait long enough your nice bath bomb won't be as fizzy! your favourite fruits will go out of season! candles are meant to be burned, not looked at! you're not enjoying your special tea if it's just sitting in your cupboard! you're allowed to have nice and special things on completely ordinary days! heck, it might just make that day special!!

[borderlinereminders]

Reframing does not have to be positive. You do not have to go from “I am terrible” to “I am amazing.” Sometimes the most healing step is going from “I am terrible” to “I am doing my best.” Neutrality is still progress. It is still a shift. It is still a way out of the spiral.

I'm years into my recovery and I still find only neutrality helps, and maybe that's just what works for me.

[traumasurvivors]

Healing does not always look like insight or breakthroughs. Sometimes it is as simple as catching yourself before you spiral. Sometimes it is choosing rest instead of pushing harder. Sometimes it is letting yourself cry without apology. Tiny shifts count. They add up quietly.

[traumasurvivors]

what happens after you start wanting to live again? when you're out of the suicidal period, now what? how do you start a future you had no plans for? how do you begin to realize what you're doing with your life?

apologies if youve answered something like this before, tumblr search feature is really bad and i wasn't able to find it

This part is talked about far less than the crisis itself, but it is very real.

When you come out of a suicidal period and start wanting to live again, it can feel disorienting. You look around and realise you stayed alive, but you did not plan for a future. You were focused on surviving the moment, not building a life. That does not mean you failed. It means you did exactly what you needed to do to stay here.

For a while, the goal is not to “figure out your life.”

The goal is to stabilise.

You start small. Smaller than you think you should. You rebuild routines before you rebuild dreams. Eating regularly. Sleeping when you can. Keeping appointments. Letting your nervous system settle after being in survival mode for so long. Wanting to live again does not instantly give you energy or clarity. Those can come later.

It is also very common to grieve at this stage. You might grieve the years you did not plan for. You might grieve the person you thought you would be. You might feel behind everyone else. None of that means you made the wrong choice by staying alive. It means you are waking up after a long period of pain.

You do not have to suddenly know what you are doing with your life. Most people do not, even the ones who look like they do. After crisis, the work is often about curiosity instead of certainty. What feels tolerable. What feels neutral. What feels a tiny bit less heavy. You build a future the same way you rebuild trust. Slowly, with room to change your mind.

You are allowed to build a different life than the one you imagined before. Surviving changes you. Your priorities shift. Your capacity changes. That is not a failure. That is adaptation.

You do not need to have a five year plan.

You do not need to know your purpose.

You do not need to feel grateful or hopeful all the time.

Sometimes the answer to “now what?” is simply that you learn how to live again, one ordinary day at a time.

And honestly? That’s enough right now. It might not feel like it. It might feel like you’re behind when everyone else is moving forward. But you aren’t. We’re all at different places and it’s okay to not know yet.

It’s okay to just live right now. Get familiar with yourself. Try new hobbies. Push yourself to try new things. Figure out who you are now.

Try not to put pressure on yourself. You’ve survived so much and it’s okay to just breathe a little.

When you start feeling ready to look forward instead of just survive, a helpful place to begin is values, not goals.

Goals can feel overwhelming when you have never planned to be here. Values can be softer. They are questions like:

What do I want less of in my life?

What feels safe or grounding?

What do I want my days to feel like, even if I do not know what I want them to look like?

You do not need to pick a career, a purpose, or a grand direction. Sometimes the first step is noticing what does not hurt as much anymore, or what brings a small sense of calm or interest. That curiosity is often the beginning of figuring out what you want in life.

[cherriesnkisses]

okay not to get all sappy and shit but i love when i get to watch people recover from an ED, including myself.

cause tonight i was like “man i’m craving ___” so i went and got it, then felt happy instead of guilty. but three years ago i would’ve ridiculed myself for even getting a craving.

anyways this is your sign that even though the recovery journey may look long, daunting, or even impossible: it’s always worth it in the end.

i hope to god this ends up on the right side of tumblr.

[bioethicists]

diet culture is so rooted in the idea that our bodies are machines that our minds have to outwit. it pushes for the idea that hunger is something you have to “beat”, that cravings are an annoyance to ignore or outwit, that the way our bodies want to look and want to be is something to fight, that it needs to be helped to do things it was built to do.

here is the liberating truth- your body is so smart and it is trying to help you. it works so hard to keep you alive- sometimes it fails at what it’s trying to do, sometimes it does it in unconvential ways, but it is trying to keep you alive! hunger is our body saying “we need food”- it’s not something to ignore or supress. cravings are our body saying “we need a specific type of food”- they aren’t something to trick or prevent. natural weight and weight distribution are our body saying “this is the shape in which we work best”- they aren’t something to control or reduce. denying this is what hurts us most- even though diet culture tries to tell us that listening to our bodies and treating them with kindness and forgiveness is wrong.

[antiterfbutch]

yes, absolutely, all of this, thank you!!

do you know why dieting is so hard? it’s because your body is fucking smart and is trying to protect you

do you know why you get food obsessed when you diet? it’s because your body is sending you signals to eat.

do you know why you get brain fog when you diet? why you might get cold or irritable? why you get tired and lazy? it’s because your body is trying to conserve energy by reducing energy output for things like thinking and generating heat

do you know why your weight loss plateaus and eventually you begin to gain again and why somewhere between 96-99% of weight loss attempts fail in the long term depending on which study you’re looking at?

it’s because your body is fucking smart and is trying to save your ass. studies have repeatedly shown that weight loss often results in your body down regulating your basal metabolic rate, possibly permanently, because it’s trying to keep you from fucking starving. it literally begins to burn fewer calories as a means of trying to save you.

the entire point of building fat is to save you from starvation, so that’s why people tend to gain their weight back and then some after dieting. your body doesn’t understand dieting, but it does understand starvation.

your body is extremely smart, actually. it’s trying to take care of you. please return the favor!

[velartis]

i think the hardest part about healing is realizing there’s no finish line. no big dramatic moment where everything feels suddenly better. it’s slower than that. it’s quieter. it’s choosing not to text them back. it’s making your bed on a heavy day. it’s being kind to yourself when your mind is cruel. healing is a thousand tiny victories no one else sees.

[muchlovefleursblog]

[thepeacefulgarden]

[sacred-portal]

[impishglee]

“nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”

damn you must suck at cooking. check out some youtube tutorials man. i believe in you.

[storybookprincess]

one of the best ways i’ve found to combat that inherent depressive pessimism without veering into toxic positivity territory is simply the phrase “i’m open to the possibility”

this particularly works with anything negative i’ve forecasted. “i woke up feeling like shit today, so my day is gonna suck” isn’t a particularly helpful thought, but “it’s a great day to be alive!!!!!” feels hollow and insincere when i have a pounding headache & am running on three hours of sleep

instead i’ll tell myself, “i really don’t feel good right now, but i’m open to the possibility that coffee and breakfast might perk me up a bit.” or “i’m in a lot of pain today, but i’m open to the possibility that my workday might still have fun parts despite that”

sometimes, when your impulse is to slam the door on anything good, but you’re not exactly up to going out & hunting it down yourself, leaving the door open just a crack makes all the difference