Have you ever felt like your very existence is unimportant? Have you ever felt so out of the loop and unpopular and uncool? If you said yes to any of those things, then you understand the surface layer of my mind. I do warn you that writing has been a recent outlet of mine. I worry constantly of what others may think if I confide in them so I donāt. Iāve tried once and it backfired terribly. So with this being an outlet, things might be dark, or worrisome. But Iām writing for myself, not for you. If you took the time to read this far, thank you. I just want someone to understand me. These last 6 months have been the worst months of my life. And most of you may think itās because of a stupid break up. Yes, that sucked... a lot. But what truly made these times the worst was my true view on who really cared about me. Who I found was little to no one. The person I trusted the most in my life turned on me. My friends who I thought I could count on and be there the way I was for them turned the other other way. My family wouldnāt listen to me but instead picked a minuscule thing that i would vent about and make that the main problem when it wasnāt. In 6 months, the life I felt I created for myself, the life that made me happy and care free completely shattered. And the more I think about it, the more I feel that I never deserved to be happy to begin with. I loved someone. So so much. I did just about anything for them. They had self esteem issues like me, but I would put mine aside to make sure they felt like they were on top of the world. I spent money I didnāt have on them, because I didnāt want them to feel poor. I complimented them daily, and it was always out of love. I supported them in everything they did, and even helped them achieve some of their career goals. I fell for them because of their ambition, not their looks. Today I just feel like I was used. I feel like as soon as they found people that were more fitting, I was ditched and abandoned. Donāt get me wrong, I wasnāt a saint. I always felt out of their league, which meant I was constantly paranoid of them leaving me. We were both co dependent and when they started to be more independent, it started to make us less compatible. Sometimes I didnāt know how to apologize, and sometimes I didnāt know how to listen. But we always worked through it. We talked about a future together, a house, kids, and even called each other the one. I used to not believe in those things, but the longer we were together, the more I felt it. Their family welcomed me with open arms, and told me Iām different than everyone else and made them a better person. I felt so full. But what changed? Jealousy. Lack of commutation. Lies. And regret. I lost my best friend. And every day since made me more detached from everything that I bought made me happy. My job, my pet, my apartment, just felt like a mundane thing. I tried so hard to fit in. But it seems I can never have a group a friends to call my own. Sure Iām friendly with nearly everyone I meet, but at the end of the day, no one ever wants to invite me out or text me hello. Iāve never been good enough for anyone. And Iām tired of trying to be included. Itās even worse when you share many mutual friends with someone you are rocky with. Especially if that person is overal a more popular person than you. If a choice has to be made for these things, I will never be chosen. Because of them, I canāt have any friends to call my own. Thanks. I feel like Iām cursed. When I care about someone, I care too much. I am there for my friends until the end. I let them scream at me, hate me, and say the most hurtful things, but I know they donāt mean it and the storm will pass. Iām always the friend who sticks around. And not one friend has done the same for me. Even the three individuals I called my best friends, I donāt even know if they deserve the title. One of them broke my heart and didnāt even apologize, and the other two barely responded to my cry for help and were too busy to help me. Then I made the worst mistake and attempted to turn to my friends in the work place. Doing so only made them have their own view on things, resulting in them picking sides, or it being too much for them and not speaking to me all together. What they didnāt realize was that it made me feel the most alone. To everyone at work, please mind your own business. Nothing is confirmed unless itās from the source. No one at work has any say on what decisions any of us make. If you think any of our actions are a mistake or idiotic, donāt voice your opinion unless we ask for it. Iām very saddened by how much drama is stirred form this department. I came to work with a smile on my face for weeks so that my āfriendsā can talk to me again. Iām trying to be the happy bubbly person people once saw me as. But I donāt know how long I can fake it. Iām severely depressed and I donāt know what to do. If you somehow made it through reading all of this, please donāt talk to me about it, especially if itās negative. And donāt act weird about it. This is me expressing myself and it shouldnāt affect your day to day life.
