Have A Splenda Day In Hell

Coffee Shop Blues & Occasional Moods

[haveaplendadayinhell]

Pet peeves

When people almost stab you with a straw before you’ve even put the drink down.

Taping of any kind: card on the counter, hand on your side, on a metal cup or on the bar.

When people throw down money on the counter instead of handing it to you like your a stripper.

When people shove a card in the card reader the second they get to register even though they haven’t ordered anything yet and it makes the card reader malfunction.

When people talk like your stupid.

When people stare at you from the second they finish ordering until their drink is ready even if it’s in the middle of peak and jump up every time a drink goes out even when it isn’t their drink.

When you say “just a moment” because your pouring a drink a foot away from the register and someone starts ordering to thin air then get annoyed when you ask them to repeat their order. 

People attempting to pay with hundreds for two-dollar coffees. 

[haveaplendadayinhell]

Today Folks,

Pumpkin spice launched and my spirits fell. 

I asked someone to please not reach over the bar when they tried to take the gallon of milk I was using. They legitimately wouldn’t stop yelling at me/actually following me to proceed with yelling at me until I stepped in the back and the head manager came out to make them back off.

I became a conscious objector to cold foam because--despite my love for it’s gelato smooth texture--the one pitcher to five million drinks ratio was infuriating.

Someone told me they’d been waiting for far too long for their drink despite the time stamp confirming that they’d ordered five minutes prior and it being rush hour. This isn’t out of the ordinary the tone just made me want to end it all with a pitchers worth of americano water to the face. 

I performed an out of key duet of Moon Dance with my coworker while on the bar and got odd looks from a lot of airline pilots.

We ran out of our standard milk by nine so everyone got skinny beverages for the rest of the day. No one appeared to notice.

[haveaplendadayinhell]

Use Your Ears; Open Your Eyes

If I call Jim and your name is Andrea than obviously the drink I’ve just put out isn’t yours. Confirmation can be found on the side of the cup.

If you ordered large iced matcha and I put out a small hot caramel macchiato it stands to reason that that latter drink is not yours. Mistakes happen but it’d be genuinely startling if that one did.

If I ask if I can have your name for the order the appropriate answer is not no and walking away. At that point I’ve done what I can any further confusion is a hundred percent on you.

[haveaplendadayinhell]

And yup.

Same day go figure. Someone came up to the register and pulled up their shirt asking me to touch their belly and I booked it out of there and to the back. We had a slow morning I was the only one on the floor and that scared the shit out of me. 

[haveaplendadayinhell]

One day I’ll snap and tell people what they deserve to hear rather than what they want to hear.

...or honestly,  just get fired for saying “Patience is a Virtue” to the people who finish at the register and proceed to immediately yell at me

Person: *watching me enter in water rather than grabbing it* are you too stupid to get it yourself

Me: *internally screams but keeps smiling forcefully* No sir it’s just policy, this is how we keep the line moving.

The Just-Try-Me-I-Will-Get-Fired-Over-Something-Absurd Voice in my head:

If you want water without a wait feel free to grab the overpriced water in our fridge.

---

Person: *drink has just come out* I got a sandwich with this (warming is at the other side of the store)

Me: *forced smile intensifies as I nod while pouring wrapped heart* okay, I’m sure it’ll be out soon. 

Person: It should be out now 

Me: *living on the edge here* I’m sorry but It’ll be out when it’s ready.

---

Person: This tastes like coffee *angrily attempts to thrust coffee at me over the espresso machine*

Me: *nods as indeed it probably does* Okay what would you like me to do about that?

Person: Fix it, Remake it, it’s wrong.

Me: *cup uncapped in hand so I can finally actually see what the drink is, it’s a quad shot grande white mocha* Would you like more* Would you like more white mocha or less espresso?

Person: It’s wrong just fix it.

Me: ... Alright right away. *puts in ten pumps of white mocha and two shots.*

Person: *angrily drinks half cup and slams down* I want a frap.

Me: *glances at growing line of drink stickers* What kind of frap?

Person: An expresso frap. 

Me: *dies a little more on the inside* Sir that will still taste like coffee.

Person: Just give me what I want. 

Me: *noting annoyed looks from other customers* Sir would you like to speak to the manager? 

Person: I want you to get me my drink. 

Manager: *having brought herself over,  takes the reins. I work another day.*

---

Person: I want a green tea no water no ice 

Me: What size? 

Person:...REGULAR *points to the biggest size.

Me: Alright and just to be sure you know that won’t be cold?”

Person: *stares blankly through me* yes.

*ten minutes later*

Person: *slamming drink on the bar* This isn’t cold!

Me: Would you like ice?

Person: No I want it to be cold.

---

Person: This decaf iced coffee tastes weaker than normal 

Me: *having never seen this person in my life (I make the same iced coffee the same way every day of the week. It’s pre-measured and comes in packets the ice scoop is always the same size.)* I’m sorry about that I could make you an iced decaf americano that would probably be stronger.

Person: Just pour me another cup. 

Me: Pours another cup

*two minutes later*

Same Person: *addressing guy on register* This decaf iced coffee tastes weaker than normal.

Cashier Guy: (and I quote) “I’m sorry about that I could make you a decaf iced americano it would be stronger.” 

Person: Just pour me another cup. 

Cashier Guy: It’s going to be the same coffee so you might not be satisfied with it.

Person: *firmly* Just pour another cup, it’s not hard.

Cashier Guy: Pours another cup.

Person: Takes sip *growls* this is still too weak.

Me: *stands by wishing I could slam my head against the counter*

Cashier Guy: I could make you a decaf americano.

Person: I’ll just deal with it but it better be fixed next time. *Storms off*

*never see him again despite the warning*

--

Person: *addressing the warming station that no one is at rather than the cashier that already tried to talk to them, flat out yells* Sausage sandwich coffee regular 

*neither oven replies*

Cashier: *loudly* I can get your order over here.

Person: *stares blankly at warming as manager comes out carrying display racks, louder this time* Sausage sandwich coffee.

Manager: They can get you at register over there. *directs towards the register, the cashier is mid-transaction now with someone who would go to register*

Person: *screaming at top of lungs into other customers face* SAUSAGE SANDWICH AND REGULAR COFFEE.

Cashier: Just a second I’ll be right with you. 

Person: *screams again*

*other transaction finishes and Cashier looks at them again*

Cashier: What size coffee? 

Person: REGULAR

Cashier: Holding up three cups *Which is regular?” 

Person: Regular, small.

Cashier *nods, when they’re gone proceeds to down a quad shot leaning down so no one can see them past the counter while I strategically cover them on register*

[haveaplendadayinhell]

I don’t think you’ve ordered what you think you’ve ordered.

[haveaplendadayinhell]

Two decent days in a row, bring it on friday.

[starfucks-life]

“What do you mean you can't make a hot Frappuccino?”

I believe the word you are looking for sir is “cappuccino.”

[haveaplendadayinhell]

“What do you mean you can’t give me a hot cold brew?”

It’s COLD brew it only comes cold, it’s in the name.

[haveaplendadayinhell]

So at five-thirty in the morning, someone told me, and I quote, “You have no human compassion.” Well, they didn’t tell me it, they muttered it loudly to themselves and the world. I’m not going to lie I proceeded to hide in the back cleaning until I was sure she was gone. I got home after my shift sobbed into a pillow. I don’t even know what I did, or if I did anything, or why I care but it’s haunting me.

[haveaplendadayinhell]

Just a friendly reminder because it continues:

Latte: expresso, steamed milk, light foam

Cappuccino: third expresso, third steamed milk, third foam. 

Americano: expresso and water

Macchiato:  expresso, spot of milk (this one is admittedly different everywhere)

Flat White: expresso, velvety milk

A Latte with extra foam is a Cappuccino.

A Cappuccino with light foam is a Latte.

A milky Americano is not a thing unless you’ve asked for a topper of steamed milk or have added some in yourself.

Be specific on what you want when ordering a macchiato and don’t get mad at the barista they don’t decide what the shop calls a Macchiato.

Ristretto shots: half the water of a typical shot. As it takes less time to pull it’s both sweeter and stronger.

Expresso: the middle-man

Longshot: twice the water of a typical short. This shot is weak and bitter (like my soul).

[haveaplendadayinhell]

To the people who talk to me like I’m stupid...I’m not.

I don’t need to know how to spell Amy, really don’t slow down every letter like you’re sounding it out to a child. If I don’t know I will ask you.

There are four expresso shots in a venti americano, please don’t come up to me with your drink and tell me I need to check my manual because there’s supposed to be five (for that matter when despite that and yelling at both me and my coworkers I remake your drink with five don’t scoff and say, ‘it’ll do this time’ like your planing revenge and storm off).

You don’t need to tell me how many expresso shots or syrup pumps are in each drink because it’s my job to know. I make drinks for hours straight especially during rush, I’ve had enough practice to know.

I actually can understand french so don’t talk about how sad it is that I’m to stupid to do anything else with my life right in front of me, don’t assume I don’t know things because I’m working a service industry job. I’m in college I’m supporting myself as I can until I finish my degree. I work another job as a theatrical technician. I am not stupid.

For that matter don’t just assume that people in service industries are stupid and treat them as such or even inhuman, or decide you can do the job better without having done it. It’s not the case. 

[haveaplendadayinhell]

Expresso Beans

The expresso machines are right next to the registers and sometimes when you fill them expresso beans get on the counter. I saw this lady trying to crush them...she thought they were bugs...her response was to try to crush them...she still ordered. I told her what they were she ignored me and continued attempting to smash them.

[haveaplendadayinhell]

To the lady who reported me loudly to the manager--while I was right there--just because your free venti nine pump chai with soy milk extra hot no water didn’t ring through on the register on the first try,

I have crippling anxiety and depression and you sent me into a depressive state of self-loathing that made it impossible to do my job right for the rest of the day. Thank you, have a nice day. I’m sorry you think I’m a ‘fucking moronic bitch’ that ‘needs to be fired’ and that you’ll be ‘reporting me to the ‘district manager.’

I work 60 hours a week on top of attending my classes. I open almost every day and wake up at three in order to be as awake and hospitable as possible while I’m there. I’ve never been in conflict with any customer because I genuinely just let people step all over me without complaint. I’m sorry our register didn’t work, the reward processing system just changed and it sometimes does that. As it was only me and the manager they heard everything you said and called you a fucking bitch. Regardless while they refunded you I made each of your drinks to the exact specifications. I hope you enjoyed. Know that every person in line after you apologized on your behalf along with the manager.

[haveaplendadayinhell]

There’s nothing more satisfying than putting cinnamon or chocolate powder over expresso before you pour the milk. The way it makes the latte art stand out. I weep tears of pride for my latte art, going out in the world to be completely ignored because it’s hidden under lids.

[haveaplendadayinhell]

Coffee Conspiracy

Today someone didn’t want to use their name so they gave me the name of the person who’d gone right before them...they said it’s not the first time. I’m both amused and befuddled by this.

[haveaplendadayinhell]

Lady came back in because she spilled her coffee and I refilled it for her. When I asked if she wanted a cap she just said “It’s called a lid,” in the kind of tone a kid would get slapped for.

In my mind, I dumped out her coffee and said have a nice day. In real life, I gave her the lid and said have a nice day while consciously knowing full and well her cup had been half full and dry on all sides so by sherlock logic she was scamming me in the first place.

[haveaplendadayinhell]

Just why?

It against our policy to do change unless there’s a cash transaction. I would get fired if I didn’t follow it but people don’t seem to understand that policies aren’t made by the people right in front of them.

Today some lady asked for change and when I explained I couldn’t give her any she snatched money from the tip jars said a snide, “You don’t deserve this,” before promptly storming off before I could even get the manager.