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[hdg-shitposts]

Found this as independent in my flat. Haven't stopped staring at it for the last 6 hours

How fucked am I?

[systlin]

But seriously, if alien PLANTS ever show up, citrus and oaks are going to be trying to breed with them IMMEDIATELY. 

We make fun of ourselves for being willing to fuck aliens, but I guarantee you that citrus and oaks are right there with us, aggressively trying to cross-pollinate with any new and interesting conquests. 

[hdg-shitposts]

[hdg-shitposts]

UNETHICAL AFFINI LIFE-HACKS

part 1

You can replicate human brains and then collect statistical data and make observations about 1 individual.

"how do you know that I like blueberry pancakes?"

"don't worry about it, Mama just knows what's best for her petals"

[foone]

I am seeing a lot of doctors for my assorted medical problems and I wish fewer of their solutions involved goop

"oh, you've got allergies? shoot this goop up your noise" "your eyes are dry? goop in your eyes." "your skin on your arms is rough? hmm, I don't know… have you tried GOOP?"

being a mammal is already way too goopy for my tastes, and all this goop medicine is just making it worse

doctor I think I'm a girl

ahh, there is a simple solution: here's some goop to stick in you. it's special girl goop.

you've still got too much boy goop in you though, so you also need this special anti-boy-goop goop.

(my insurance won't cover the goop 😟

my hair keeps thinning because that's what the boy goop does to you when you're 41, and I'm loathe to try treating it because guess what the treatment for male pattern baldness is IT'S GOOP!

it's not just medical things either. I need to redo my hair color soon. and how does hair dye work? oh right, it's goop.

lemme go take a shower. first I need to shave with the special shave goop, then I've got two kinda of hair goop, not to mention my body goop, then I wash it all off with the original goop of them all, water.

being a mammal is just goop all the way down

sorry for any typos in this rant, I can't see the screen very well because my eyes are full of goop this is special medical goop because my eyes aren't properly making enough of their own, built-in goop. I'm having to use store-bought eye-goop, sigh.

hell, "mammal" is named after our class's defining feature: TASTY MOM GOOP

and don't get me started on sex & kissing "hey baby, wanna trade some goop?"

WE NAMED OUR WHOLE FUCKING GALAXY AFTER TASTYMOMGOOP

YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THE GOOP

my personal explanation for the fermi paradox isn't that space is too big, or we're alone, or they've got a Prime Directive, it's not even that we're made of meat or that crime against sapience thing with the moon lizards (long story): it's that we're just too fucking goopy for them to deal with

the aliens don't want to come down and say hi, out of the quite reasonable fear that we'll get some of our goop on them

ugh, I'm tired and having trouble concentrating today. maybe I should drink some special plant goop to get me going

we do finally join the intergalactic community of aliens and discover their name for us translates as "the slimy ones"

[hdg-shitposts]

"The average human male is about sixty percent water. Far as we're concerned, that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines, and see if we can't get you down to twenty or thirty percent."

-Cave Johnson

[hdg-shitposts]

Affini when they find a puppygirl discord server:

[hound-k41207]

puppygirl discord servers??

Wait where??

Pls I must know

[hdg-shitposts]

They're rather stale. And usually most of the population is just subs

[otherwindow]

Zombie setting where the undead are drawn towards unhygienic scents, so survivors constantly bathe to avoid being eaten.

Zombies are docile when adorned with flowers.

Settlements overgrown with herbs and flora.

Barely any banditry; everyone is focused on farming and gathering.

Different human factions and towns named after flowers like Lilies, Orchids, Roses, etc.

Instead of immediately killing an infected survivor, they’re given special funeral rites - the zombie is covered with flowers to keep them calm, and  allowed to walk out from the settlement to join the hordes.

[hdg-shitposts]

Holy f*cking shit, oh my fucking god this would be such a perfect au for HDG

[a-blessing-of-ravens]

HDG has ruined us, we can't even look at trees now without wondering what it would be like to be cradled in the vines of a giant plant woman

[hdg-shitposts]

I just can't enjoy nature anyway without feeling deeply uncomfortable

[hdg-shitposts]

[hdg-shitposts]

Aku the shapeshifting master of darkness & affini would have the funniest fucking dinamic.

Aku & an affini in synch:

"Oh. You're a tree too. This is embarrassing."

[hdg-shitposts]

This is a batshit insane sentence that would put me in a mental institution on a under normal conditions, but this is Tumblr.

Buzz from lightyear (2022) is 99% there to having art of him being domesticated

[hdg-shitposts]

Affini when they find a puppygirl discord server:

[hdg-shitposts]

"you are denied ability to know the time"

Sounds way more dramatic than

"i forgot my phone too, buddy"

[hdg-shitposts]

[hdg-shitposts]

This is the face of rage. This tiny dalek, the last unadopted female from my first clutch, hates me. She was born hating me. Today I gave her a new fusioncell, cleaned her enclosure, and her a new forcefield to sleep in. She shot me like twenty times, shot my sleeves and my hands and even my core. She tried hard to exterminate and convert my thumb.

It was like being assaulted by the angriest, most hateful peppershaker in the world with lightbulbs where the holes should be.

I hope she gets adopted before I fall in love with her.

[evil-scientist]

Can the Affini beat the Necron Empire

Yes

Maybe

No

Voting ended onJun 17, 2024

[girlmachinezeph]

Absolutely. First off is the raw material, Affini have multiple galaxies worth of power, Necrons have been in the same galaxy for millions of years. No matter what tech they have the Affini can either over power it, or simply learn it as it is a dedication to finding new technologies for Florets.

But I think that the real power of the Affini would simply be that Slaanesh would become Affini due to how the warp works, and the untold amount of emotion Affini ships would generate, specific lust and denial. plenty of florets with pain kinks and Affini indulging them, to engage in aftercare later. As well as the entire existence of Class-O'd sophonts. The Affini literally design themselves around taking care of and bringing the heights of pleasure to others. Some of them with many blooms would likely be able to command large sections of warp just to do whatever will make their florets happy.

I honestly don't know what you expected when you put the Affini in a galaxy where emotions and feelings give tangible power.

[hdg-shitposts]

The real issue at hand, is what you consider winning. On one hand, yes affini control greater territories, on the other, necrons are beyond saving. Sorry not sorry, but they've fucked up in the way that is impossible to un-fuck without time travel.

P.S. hdg "axioms" are a cancer which makes almost impossible for any other universe to interact with it.

[anotherchariotpulledbycats]

Characters that would be DOMESTICATED by the Affini -The entire cast of Warhammer 40,000 -The entire cast of Helldivers -The entire cast of Halo -Tyler Durden -The Joker Characters that could DEFEAT the Affini -The cast of Umamusume (the Affini do not know what horses are) -Donald Duck (specifically in his Kingdom Hearts incarnation) -Pinky Pie (My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic) -Big D (Hunter: The Parenting) -The cast of Sailor Moon -Miss Piggy

[glorifiedtoastr]

[In lore]

you're telling me that you think that alien drugs would convert any noise marine taking drugs from the god of excess? Affini drugs would bore noisemarines.

The necrons (uncorrupted, flayer, and destroyer cultists) don't have systems to take in biological stimulants or depressants

Guilliman, maybe

The Aeldari would lose their souls and die as soon as they gave in

Anyone space marine and higher, Necron, ork, most Aeldari, chaos, Tyranids, would not give mercy to the Affini for a second. There are, however, trillions that would fold under very little pressure.

The majority of the cast of Space King could defeat the Affini

[sappy-red-algae]

(OOC: no lol, affini have more than 16 galaxies under their vines your claims ain't Holding)

(OOC: also, affini biorhythms are this magical but Not quite cognitohazardous brainwaves of love, care and mild condescension, ergo if the trillions upon trillions of affini that there are showed up with their florets, they could make a nacient chaos god of domestication).

(OOC: also There's a post somewhere showing how necrons would probably willingly join once the affini told the silent king how they can return every necron citizen to cognition Without causing Servere soul pains and stuff. Affini also have Access to Narcoalgorythms, which are computer xenodrugs)

(OOC: Space marines would probably be sedated, have their self destruct capabilities surgicaly removed, and have their conditioned eroded over many many many decades. Noise marines would be given warp xenodrugs made by the chaos god of domestication co-opting and domesticating Slaanesh, because the pressence of affini and florets easily dwarves the populace of 40k's galaxy. Again, 16 galaxies worth of affini florets and indies. Other Chaos astartes would also be Converted to the chaos god of domestication aswell.)

(OOC: dæmons would also be taken in with chaos xenodrugs, and converted to be part of the chaos god of domestication)

(OOC: Eldars might be kinky enough to Join willingly if they forsee the presence of affini to be a net positive for the survival of their species.)

(OOC: Dhrukhari might take a while longer but the march of the affini can't be stopped)

(OOC: the affini would hijack the etherals and have the T'au domesticate themselves)

(OOC: orks being orks would probably be domesticated by having them be part of some big simulated fighting grounds where all dead folks can be revived)

(OOC: admechs would probably be lured in with archeotech, and then converted to some variant of the cult mechanicus where the technology they use and are implanted with isn't actualy lethal. Hell, maybe Cawl could be trying to reverse engineer affini tech only for that to end up in him trying to outsmart affini, only for that to end up on him realizing the entire situation was a set-up from the start and he was playing checkers while the plants were playing chess.)

(OOC: the imperium of man would be overwhelmed and wittled down after the admech get domesticated, I really only see the affini struggling against very powerful blanks, custodes and gray knights, but only until they develop countermeasures in the next conflict, because they develop tech very very fast and really don't have any way to deplete their own resources at all, they can print matter)

(OOC: we're at the home stretch, Tyranids. Affini would be able to domesticate them if they can Domesticate the hive mind, which I think is possible but I really don't have much evidence other than they've domesicated hive minds already)

(OOC: finaly, chaos gods. Khorne would be allowed an endless fight within the chaos god of domestication's grasp. Tzeentch would be allowed an endless game of outsmarting the oposite, allways meeting his match, all within the clutches of the chaos god of domestication. Slaanesh would be involuntarily domesticated and kept on a leash. As god of excess I think it would enjoy being on the Chaos god of domestication's grasp. Lastly, nurgle. The affini are confirmed to eventualy become capable of rewriting the laws of physics so entropy doesn't operate in a way incompatible with life. Effectively, order and decay would become the same thing once the chaos god of domestication gets s hold of grandfather nurgle.)

(OOC: Powerscaling affini is quite difficult given that the setting is about being give care and wellness with no possibility of slipping through the cracks. Nonetheless, I think that to ACTUALY beat them you'd need something like doctor who or the xeelee, settings holding factions that have colonized multiverses and can rewrite both reality anda time on a whim. Warhammer is well under that scale of Power)

[hdg-shitposts]

As a doctor who lunatic I can confirm that you wouldn't even need time lords to wipe out affini. Just 1 dalek ship.

[sappy-red-algae]

(OOC: true! Funily enough Tho, affini could use psychic paper against timelords tho. Remember when Shakespeare simply ignored its effects? And also how psychic species could Control psychic paper? An affini's biorhythms are like these cognitohazardous almost magical emanations of the vibes of an affini, which can be felt in the mind and are like subtle subbification brainwaves. Affini can use them to hypnotize sophonts and have them do various things. I think that's psychic power, sooo they Could efectively hijack psychic paper)

[hdg-shitposts]

You're overestimating how much psychic paper is capable of. To paraphrase, you found a yo-yo and think you could beat the American industrial complex with it

[sappy-red-algae]

[hdg-shitposts]

Yes, I'm being a petty bitch, but how the f*ck is this toy that's not even necessarily time lord tech useful against the lords of time?

[sappy-red-algae]

(OOC: broadcasting biorhythms through psychic paper. And also the doctor not being able to psychic paper his way into compact Tech or such)

[hdg-shitposts]

Again, that's assuming that time lords use it on the daily basis. Doctor for one thing spent at least 9 regenerations without touching the stuff once.

That assumes they are susceptible to biorhythms. Saxon prime minister story arc strongly suggests they have biorhythms of their own.

you're talking about someone who won the time war. Psychic paper is a useful toy, but no more.