Archi

23// love outdoor, photography and books . Let's talk. ✨

[heaart-talk]

You came closest to it, To being the “one”, the one I had dreamt of every since i was a kid. The person I envisioned myself to be with. The kind of person I wrote about, dreamt about. You saw the parts of me that no one ever saw. You peeked into my brain, even the parts that I don’t even allow myself into. You had warm hands, a kind heart, a comforting embrace that I had longed for my entire life. If people saw the world through different glasses, I was sure we saw it through the same, your world seemed like a lot alike mine, I understood you because I was you at times, but like me you had your demons, demons that got the best of us, but it was too late you were already running through my veins, and I’m still trying to figure out how to get you out of me without bleeding myself dry.

[heaart-talk]

It’s always more beautiful in writing, love is more beautiful in writing than it is in reality; in reality it’s just mere moments of joy, rest of it is filled with longing, agony and pain.

[heaart-talk]

God, please let it be me and her in the end.

[remanence-of-love]

[heaart-talk]

"I don't know how to explain it to you, it's like you've reached inside of me, and twisted me in some way. You changed me in a way that I can't seem to undo, and to be honest, I'm not sure if I even want to. I have no rational explanation of anything, my mind and my heart run in a completely opposite direction when it comes to you."

[heaart-talk]

I tried to find you at the bottom of a bottle, I tried to find you in the smoke that numbed my brain, I tried to find you in the droplets that feel out of my eyes almost every night against my will, I tried to find you in words that I scribbled helplessly on pages, I tried to find you in endless things, but the funny thing is, you were always in my heart, the one place maybe I never wanted you to be in.

[heaart-talk]

Maybe my biggest fear when it comes to you is that, I have to live this life without you, knowing that you exist, knowing what I feel for you, knowing that even then I won’t be able to do a damn thing in the entire world to have you in my life. You’ll always be someone who will be at the back of mind, someone whom I think about as soon as I am alone with my thoughts, as soon as the lights go down, I will go back to you. How will I be able to live my life knowing now that you exist, knowing that we had a chance at something amazing, something that we both were looking for, but were somehow so afraid that we didn’t even give it a try.

[heaart-talk]

I thought I had a way with people until I met you. You were something else, something that I couldn’t comprehend for a long time. I was puzzled why I was so drawn to you. I studied you like a curious scientist trying to understand the behavior of their subject, and it was after a long time I discovered the reason. You had a full world of your own, that had access to only few individuals, you were a home to people who were homeless, someone who was lost in the world, could find a home in yours. You made them feel like they belonged somewhere, you made them feel special, a world where you needed to be saved, and anyone who entered your world and saw that, wanted to save you, but to be honest you never wanted to be saved. You had gotten so used to pain that it had become familiar to you, and anything else terrified you.

[heaart-talk]

You're a heartbreaker. I know you're going to break another heart. I wonder how many hearts would it take for you to realize that nobody else can fix yours.

[heaart-talk]

Sometimes I breathe your name, whisper it to see how it feels like in my mouth, maybe to make sure I'm not going insane, maybe to make sure you exist somewhere else, somewhere outside my mind.

[heaart-talk]

"I don't know what's sadder, that you've forgotten me, or that I can't seem to forget you, even when I want to."

[heaart-talk]

I wanted to know everything about you, what made you you. When we were together, I would try to understand you, look at you, observe you. You were talkative, but rarely talked about things that mattered to you, so I listened to everything intently, trying to get an insight into your being. I found you very interesting and boring at the same time, the kind that intrigued me. Since the moment I knew you, I knew there was more to you than you let on, that you had deep complex layers, and I was always the kind of person who liked this, and not only this, you could see my layers and you wanted to get past them too, which I liked a lot and was a fresh breath of air.

[heaart-talk]

It would break my heart into million pieces to see you with someone else, I want nothing more than you, no one else, I know how special you are, and I know I won't be able to find this kind of special in life, I want you to be with me, in my arms, in my life, but if you find happiness somewhere else I won't be bitter, I'll be sad about it probably, but what I feel doesn't matter, all that matter that you are smiling and you are happy, you deserve happiness and love after everything that you have gone through in life and that is all that matters to me.

[heaart-talk]

The thought that I could be reason behind your tears kills me, all I want for you is to be happy because you deserve it, and if happiness for you means me staying away from your life, you won't be able to find me again even if you tried. I would gladly walk away, I don't want to be source of pain to you. Pain and sadness to me are a constant companion, it won't matter to me to have them by my side again, but the world needs your smile, your good heart and even though you may not believe it, you are one of the best people I came across in life, a bright light shines through you, you radiate warmth, kindness and love. You are a genuine, caring and loving person, and you make the life of people around a little better with your presence. This is not an exaggeration of you, but a first person perspective of someone who had the chance to know you.

[heaart-talk]

I always felt like there is too much in my heart for a single person to handle, too much darkness for a single person to see and comprehend. I don’t know, I had felt numb for years, heartbreak after heartbreak broke my will to live at times. I have friends whom I love, family that care about me, no matter the differences, but somehow it always felt like I am walking alone, that life is something that I needed to live alone. I tried to give happiness because I knew how it felt like to not have that. I try to hide my darkness, not wanting to engulf anyone else. I can understand a lot of people, but nobody understood me, nobody saw me, until you did. You saw through me at times, you cared at least I thought you did, with you I felt alive and happy, for once I let myself go, hoping I’d finally get a chance to experience my share of happiness and for a bit I did, but as if happiness has an aversion to me, I am back to the same place, not wanting to look into the future, despising the present and hurt by the past. Tell me where do I run off to, to escape it all.

[heaart-talk]

I wake up with my chest filled up with fear,

I am petrified of a future where you won't be near.

Each night I cover my pillow with hope and sadness,

I wonder if all my life I'll be a mess.

I wonder if you think about me too,

I am scared that this is what all my life I'll do.

I will just watch people I love walk away from sidelines,

When the ground is slipping beneath my feet I'll just pretend to be fine.

I'll put on a smile for the world to see,

I'll not let a soul know that slowly everything is killing me.

I think I will miss you even when you'll forget me,

I couldn't hold you close, maybe this is the only way I could keep you and also set you free.

[heaart-talk]

What do you want to me do to? Shout at the top of my lungs that I like you, a lot more than I planned to. There are things that constantly remind me of you, and there are so many things I want to share with you because I know you'd like them too, how when I find something cool or do something stupid, I get this urge to tell you, hoping you'd find it cool too or it would make you smile. How helpless I am with you, I don't give a fuck about someone so early, I don't wait for people, I thought I was done waiting for people, but for you I am willing to wait for. I thought I could move on easily, but I have no interest in anybody else, I don't want anybody, just you. It's so bizzare when you like someone, they become a standard to which you compare everyone else to, and no matter how much I try I won't be able to find another you, there maybe a lot of people in the world, but no other you and no other me. It's your heart, thoughts and everything I am drawn to, no one else's. I would shout at the top of my lungs all this, if only my words could somehow find way to you.