WITCH WEEKLY - Issue 94 - December 2006
Gentlebeings of the Wizarding World,
Our cover feature this issue is the one, the only Draco Malfoy- a man who needs no introduction, but whose presence might require the briefest of explanations.
Lord Malfoy has had no shortage of press over the years… but since his release from Azkaban we have dutifully kept an eye on him, and for sore ones he is a sight. Every time we feature him, the owls pour in. Some carry missives with love potion-laced ink, in the hopes that we’ll pass them to the man in question (no judgement, we’ve tried to slip him a little something in the past) while others are Howlers bursting to scream about our hideous facilitation of lusting after a war criminal. How dare you drool over a terrorist! But drool we do, like a three-headed dog.
It’s one of our favorite things about Draco Malfoy: those who love him, would die for him… and those who hate him, would like to see him killed. We fall into the camp of the former- do you?
Read on for 10 of our other favorite things -
Venia Plumberton, Editor-in-Chief
We surveyed our editorial staff, as well as witches and wizards on the street (Horizont Alley, to be exact) to determine the 10 best features of the wizard we love to hate, but don’t hate to love. Caution… at least three witches went feral after editing this piece. You’ve been warned.
#1 - CHEST - We don’t know if it’s that he’s vaguely the color of honed marble, or that we had too many brushes with the fit statues at Hogwarts during our formative years… but oh, Mummy. We don’t get to see shirtless Draco often- perhaps he’s self-conscious of the scars? Are they from the whip of a lover… or perhaps the Dark Lord?
Our seven-page coverage of his trip to Bali last year, “Draco’s Treasure Chest” July 2005, contributed to our best selling issue. EVER. We are certain our journalistic prowess has not gotten that much better. When it comes to Draco, we’re delusional, not deluded.
#2 - EYES - Pureblood politics like to keep things in the family; but if inbreeding is wrong do we want to be right? Like pools of mercury, Draco’s eyes look terribly inviting but might just kill us if we take a dip. We have on record that his nickname in school was, “The Heir of Slytherin”. Basilisk, much? We’ve heard stranger. Speaking of basilisks… this magazine doesn’t stoop to such levels… but we know where your head’s at.*
*Right next to ours, in the gutter. But at least we’re looking at the stars… specifically, the Draco constellation.
#3 - HAIR - We here at WW celebrate a man who takes the time to learn grooming spells, and we dare say the Malfoy Scion created a few of his own to tame his mane just the way we like it. Tousled, pushed back, glittering platinum everywhere the light touches it. Oh, to run a hand through that hair. Maybe pull it, just a little. Ruin our life, Draco. We are at the ready.
#4 - SIZE - When the DM walks in the room, suddenly, we orbit around him. Is it because of his white golden hair (see above) or is it perhaps that he’s the size of a planet? The Muggles have really gotten into something called gravity, look into it friends - because Draco is our sun. 6’5”, the wing span of a bloody hippogriff and the legs (oh we’ll get started with those next) of a semi-giant.
#5 - THIGHS - We could be pressed to include the whole leg, look at those calves, but in the interest of being specific- Draco Malfoy’s thighs get us through our work day.
Thick as tree trunks, we’d surrender our wand to be a part of that forest.
We spoke to Madame Mirabelle, tailor to rich and infamous, and she assured us that while she hasn’t fit Draco in years, she knows for a fact he has a tailor on staff to “rightly pinch and pin” every set of trousers he wears. One must not assume that anything off-the-rack could surround such thighs, wrap that arse, cover that bulge and hug that waist without being magically pinched and pinned. We’re due for a sewing spell seminar, it would seem.
#6 - ABS - Speaking of waists… Well. We shan’t. We’ll just show a picture, it scores a V, for va va voom.
#7 - FOREARMS - Again, we feel remiss not mention the scrumptious biceps, the scandalously sexy shoulders… but let it be known, Draco’s forearm game is unmatched. Maybe it’s the veins; maybe it’s the sheer size of them. Maybe it’s the Dark Mark- you know we need to be reminded about the danger lurking underneath. Or maybe… we are ovulating? No matter. We’d let him cast any spell he wanted at us so long as he used those arms to hold his wand.
#8 - SNEER - A snide look, on the face of Draco Malfoy, is better than a smile on any other man… We’re sure should Draco ever smile our way, he’d be crowned ‘Most Charming Smile’ in an instant… but to that end, we’ve never seen it. We’re not sure he’s capable. So we covet the sneer.
Eyes narrowed, nose flared, lip curled? Check, checkity, check. Sign us up for the next war!
#9 - JAWLINE - We long to go to a taffy emporium with Draco and watch him sample the wares… such is our obsession with seeing him clench. For Merlin’s sake, someone get the man some gum! We deserve such visions, we’ve been so good.
#10 - HANDS - Hands tell the story of the man- and here’s what we know… Draco’s hands can palm a quaffle and are typically adorned with family heirloom rings. He likes a Muggle watch, and doesn’t always need a wand. An eyewitness told us she saw him stop a falling bottle at his bar, The Jobberknoll, with just a flick of his fingers, as he dined with friends. We love a wizard who takes matters into his own hands.
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