One Nice Bug Per Day
Andulka
styofa doing anything
if i look back, i am lost
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
NASA
@theartofmadeline
hello vonnie
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
Kiana Khansmith
Xuebing Du
★
Kaledo Art
Discoholic 🪩
h
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
dirt enthusiast
No title available
Origami Around
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
seen from United States
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seen from Singapore
seen from Malaysia
seen from Germany
seen from United States
seen from United States
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@healiotrope
#HEALIOTROPE —— independent & selective CHARLOTTE "LOTTIE" MATTHEWS from Showtimes Yellowjackets. heavily canon based. established May 15, 2023. analyzed by rae ( 30+, she/her. pst ). WARNING: blog will contain triggering content & nsfw themes. using BETA editor. not spoiler free. — carrd.
HEAD CANONS. | MEMES. | PLAYLIST. | PSA. | PINTEREST. | AU VERSES. | VISUALS.
apologies for coming back here with an ooc statement, but someone please tell me that Lottie Matthews and Masha Dmitrichenko wouldn't be a perfect ship.
"i dont like the adult timeline" oh okay so you just hate milfs got it
1.02 'F Sharp' ⇾ 3.03 'Them's The Brakes'
There's a small scoff. For as far as she's improved and worked on herself, she still has her issues. Lisa still struggles to grant herself grace, still has the tendency to spiral as things start to fall off. She could try to stay in the moment, focus on mindfulness and embracing her feeling, but it didn't do much to help in those moments. when one thing gave out from her, everything gave out. It would just continue to weigh on her, unable to catch herself.
"Well, the bar seems pretty low to do better," slightly sarcastic comment mumbled. She'd been a reflex away from being blinded in that eye. Maybe it could have been worse, but it was a pretty small chance. In her mind almost anyone wouldn't have fallen for that. But she'd been too trusting, too naive to even realize what she was getting herself into. Most people wouldn't be that stupid, wouldn't they.
She responds to the second part of her statement first, "I don't know, sometimes it feels like I haven't gotten anywhere." Like now. She has grown, has improved, but it was hard to see that when things would start to get bad again.
And then she goes on her classic stand-by: deflection, trying to distract herself, focus on anything else. Just push everything down. It's far from what she's been taught to do, but old habits die hard. "What does she think it means?" and then, she figures she hasn't ever really asked another piece of context, "What does it mean to you?"
IN ANY NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCE, LOTTIE MAY HAVE chuckled at the sarcastic comment even to the slightest degree and yet, in this particular moment, she can't seem to will herself to do so. Instead, her expression remains serious when continuing to look at Lisa with a bit of a pout to lips that subtly curl. She doesn't like the thought of someone within the community bringing anyone else down in any way and she can feel the effects Natalie's presence has already begun to bring which is not ideal nor warranted.
Especially given these particular circumstances where one of her own could have been far more injured in the process of rebellion than what was necessary, regardless of how understandable it was at the time. Putting Lisa at risk like that… well, that was on Lottie. A poor lack of judgement on her part and she would take full responsibility for that. But then the conversation shifts somewhat, to the point of causing Lottie's brows to furrow with some confusion as she shakes her head.
❝ You've come a very long way in your progress, Lisa. Don't ever think otherwise. Easier said than done at times, I know but, the fact that you're here; still here, already speaks so much to how far you've come. Doubts aren't unusual. You will experience them many times and that's all right. ❞ When the latter inquiry is asked, that is when Lottie's hands are removed, adjusting her own kaftan for a brief second or so and standing up tall once more while taking in a deep inhalation of breath.
❝ For me, it was always seen as a symbol of luck. Hope and prosperity. For Natalie, it was a bad omen. Something to be feared. But Natalie sees a lot of things that way. We all have our different perspectives of things. What makes sense to some, doesn't always have to make sense to others. ❞
"You know how much time I spent when I was like 7 praying to whatever God is out there to just do it. Like hands folded kneeling next to my bed going hey man in the sky do me this one solid. Kill the son of a bitch and I'll like go to church or be a nun or some dumb shit like that. Obviously without the swearing because you know swearing to God would be fucked up in my 7 year old mind. That's all I ever wanted just kill the fucker and things will be better. Then it happens like that. I mean I know I wanted it to happen but fuck I didn't want to see his face- his face was gone. I can still see it when I close my eyes."
She hesitates stopping her rambling just staring at herself in the mirror as she wraps her heard around it. God wasn't real she knew that but it almost felt like she'd willed it to happen like all that begging for him to die had sent him to his early yet deserved grave. she was so deep in her thoughts she didn't notice Lottie holding her until she saw it happening in the reflection. "I should make sure my moms not done any stupid shit. I uh- I dunno after that.go loiter in the woods by the trailer park I guess? Fuck if I know, Lot."
NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS WOULD LOTTIE HAVE associated Natalie as anything close to the religious type ( she still wasn't, she knows that ). But of course, she understands to a degree how certain traumatic events could push anyone to want to believe in something greater. Something that could be helpful. She won't question it though and instead, simply nods in a state of a perceptive nurture, as much as she could. There was no doubt a slew of emotions running through the girl's head in a moment like this and all Charlotte could do was just, be there and listen.
After a brief second or two, she pulls away and simply lets her hands rest upon the other's shoulders in a comforting sort of way. Thumbs caressing, gently. ❝ We can do whatever you want. Check up on your mom, loiter, hit something. Anything you need, okay? Seriously... whatever you need right now, I just don't want you to do it alone. ❞ Doesn't want her to do anything too drastic, or stupid is what she's really thinking but of course, she can't say that out loud. Still, Lottie feels a responsibility to keep an eye on her. Didn't matter that her dad had been a horrible father; he was still her father. Someone that Nat looked up to even for a short while. Everyone handled these types of situations differently and so, she wasn't about to be judgmental in how Natalie needed to handle her own.
it's about 12:40am currently where i'm at. on workers comp from my job at the moment and had every intention of trying to just sit down and get some replies out today but i woke up to my roommate telling me that our cat got out some time early in the morning. so my entire day has been spent trying to find her and doing everything i can to bring her home. good vibes and thoughts greatly appreciated.
apologies again for not being around much. my cat is still missing but i'm also back at work so it's been work, sleep, search, search, work, sleep. when i have any down time it's just a constant realm of stress while trying to add in family time, etc. i am still around, discord is the easiest way to reach me though i haven't been great at initial conversations as of late there either. i'll still reply when i can. hopefully the writing muse will strike back again any day now. need my creative outlet more than ever and yet... my brain just doesn't want to cooperate.
am i setting up a private "yj intentional community" currently pending tumblr approval? yes. yes, i am. i'm not entirely sure what this whole 'community' thing entails or what it is but, might be fun and interesting. i was debating about making a d.iscord server but this works too, maybe. if anyone is interested in joining once it's up, lmk!
GET TO KNOW ME ♡ [2/10] Favorite Relationships Lottie Matthews & Shauna Shipman
No one is eating Shauna’s share.
accurate representation of me that time simone kessell liked my IG story:
@darkconsumed (laura lee) gets a song-inspired starter.
THE TIPS OF HER TOES HIT THE WATER FIRST, slowly descending beneath the liquid surface with bottom lip quivering at the chill that shoots from the balls of her feet to the base of her spine and tingles. Breath catches as she stares out at the lake before her, shaking her head in knowing that she should turn back. But the moon is shining brightly, with its reflection upon water practically looming like a guiding light.
Memory floods with the image of Laura Lee holding her hand, remembering the comfort she felt in that single moment way back then; a mixture of fear, terror and a sense of calm all mingled together in a cocktail of delusion she couldn't live without. Tongue presses upon the roof of her mouth as she steps further, fingers tightening their grip upon the silk nightgown that's lifted just enough to keep it from getting too wet until she finally gives up the inevitable and lets the hem fall upon the soft ripples of the chilling lake.
The corner of her eyes begin to swell and pool with tears that gently fall down the length of her cheeks and for a split second, she nearly gasps involuntarily. I want to see you again…, she thinks silently to herself, as if her thoughts could somehow be manifested into an entity she so desperately craves. ❝ Loreley… ❞ she whispers that secret name and lets every muscle in her body soon come to relax.
there was a weight being lifted. it terrified taissa. she had spent so long clinging to the ideal that none of this mattered anymore. it was just something she had done, something that she had believed in, to survive. that was the end of it. the moment they got rescued it was over. taissa knew that was true the moment she had stopped sleepwalking. but now that it was back - she couldn't deal with being wrong once again.
it was weird, knowing that even with how terrible and dangerous being in those woods were, there was also a calmness to be associated with believing in it. of knowing that everything that happened did so just as it was supposed to. their moral failings weren't theirs in that moment - it was just things that they didn't have control over.
but natalie was dead now. and they weren't teenagers anymore in a terrible situation that they couldn't leave. they had all come to the compound on their own. perhaps they should have just drank the drinks that lottie had given them, there would be less blame to share then. it would just be a conversation of bad luck. but taissa had participated this time. in the hunt. in everything.
she sighs, a slight shrug in her shoulders. "it was muscle memory. we spent so long doing all of those things .. it's easy to be caught back up in it. i certainly didn't want shauna dead - i just hope she knows that, too." taissa wants to believe every excuse in the book, just to still feel a bit in control. "define a weight being lifted, lottie. she's gone. i spent so long trying to keep her alive and for what? the wilderness to take her away anyways?"
IT TAKES EVERYTHING INSIDE OF HER OWN SELF-CONTROL and discipline not to rise up in defiance at Taissa's statement. That it had all just been muscle memory from their time spent in the wilderness. No, ❝ that doesn't explain everything that's happened within the last twenty-five years though, does it?! ❞ She finally exclaims with a bit of force and a harsh tone.
❝ Maybe we just chalk it up to bad luck then—? Wrong time at the wrong place. How does that explain Shauna's or Misty's consistent desire for blood? It took everything and everyone from us whether we wanted it to or not. It took Jackie from Shauna. It took Javi from Travis. Travis from Nat. Nat from all of us. I'm not at all stating that this weight doesn't come with emotional consequences, I'm feeling the burden of it just as strongly as any of you. But answer me this: when was the last time you sleep walked since her death, Tai? Tell me things haven't gotten better even a little bit for everyone involved, like it always has. Tell me that, and I will re-think my assumptions on the matter entirely. ❞
She was one to talk though, wasn't she? Sitting here in another mental institution because of what happened to Natalie. But in the end: she was getting better again. She'd been spiraling without fully realizing it only to have the solution solidified where it needed to be. Whether she liked the turn of events or not, she was feeling better than she had been for the last several years or so and she couldn't very well deny that even though she desperately wanted to.
❝ But you can't, can you? Natalie felt it too, she told me. And she was scared, because she realized how real it actually was. She told Travis and it led him to want to speak to it directly. I couldn't… I couldn't stop him, Tai. It chose him, in the end. Like it will eventually choose us all at one point or another. I only thought it would be me this time. Not her. ❞
"It's not the same. Talking to you-" Charlie began. The words came out of him before he even had a chance to think about them. A rare splattering of words, "For two reasons. One, perspective means someone who wasn't there to experience it. Someone who could give a different view on it; I don't mean to explain it like you didn't know what it all meant, but just that it was needed for me. "Second, I...couldn't come to you, Lottie. The days out in the wilderness didn't scare me in ways that I thought it would. But I do feel that terror when we...we speak," The last bit of words half whispered. "It is not your responsibility so I've never mentioned it before. It's a me problem." There's a sigh of his own. A hand through the dark and now wild hair. "I trust my dad. I trusted him when I told him a few years ago. I don't imagine he told anyone before he...he passed," The answer stung a little bit. The fact he was gone didn't mean that her worry was unfounded in a stranger. Saying a word to anyone could have happened in the in-between. "I promise you have nothing to worry about."
THERE WERE MIXED EMOTIONS WHEN TAKING IN Charlie's response. Offense was a given, understanding soon to follow. Though overall, she couldn't help but wonder: if this was how he truly felt, then why was he even here in the first place—? A vast majority of confusion relied heavily on the latter inquiry flooding into her thoughts. It does pain her to a degree to hear of his father's passing however, there is also a bit of relief on her end that came with it.
Of course, she'd never speak such things to him out loud nor ever dream of doing so whether it be verbal or by facial recognition through her own expression on the matter. Still, it's clear that even Charlie didn't know for certain; he only had his trust and naturally, she couldn't very well argue that in its entirety. So instead, she simply nods with a gentle hum, trying to collect herself and seem more put together than she actually was in that moment. Eventually, she does come to stand to her full height, caressing both hands to smooth over the fabric of her silk kaftan.
The true fact was simple though: it was still her responsibility, because Charlie had enlisted himself within her care the moment he stepped foot upon the premises of Camp Green Pine. ❝ I'm sorry you don't feel comfortable enough yet to speak to me directly. Truly, I am sorry. I can only hope that one day, that will change. ❞ Though it was a shame that it didn't happen sooner as she might have hoped that it would. Again, why was he here then? Then a sudden realization hits her and she looks at the man before her with a bit of a perplexed expression as head tilts slightly, ❝ you're not… are you, afraid of me, Charlie? ❞
"I suppose they do, but... does it have to be like this?" Keiko doesn't say it's alright - she can't, not when she's unsure herself if it is just yet - but rationally, she knows, it wouldn't be fair to hold what she'd seen against Lottie any harsher than she would Natalie. Not when these are Nat's rules to begin with. Better to wait and deal with it once they're all back together in one piece, especially with that time finally creeping ever closer by the hour after far too long of a wait.
So despite her questioning, she lets the focus shift to her son when Lottie brings it there. It's the most she can yield on this in good conscience, at least for tonight.
Still. Keiko doesn't relax when Lottie reaches for Hiroshi, but she doesn't stop her, either. Hiro stirs against Keiko's chest at her touch, not quite waking even as he babbles out something even more incomprehensible than usual. It's enough to finally draw a hint of a smile out of Keiko when she looks down at him in response, running her free hand up and down the same path Lottie did just a moment ago.
Unsurprisingly, tonight's choice is left up to her. Keiko hums softly in thought, though it doesn't take her long to land on one this time. "Somewhere we've been before, at least? Believe it or not, I've actually already had more than enough excitement to last the night," she answers, words followed by a humorless chuckle as she glances back up at Lottie. That likely wouldn't have been the case were she out on her own, but with a baby to juggle and Nat's release to sort out, a little predictability feels sorely needed after what she'd just witnessed. "What about the hotpot place closer to home? They've always been great with Hiro."
DID IT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS—? Yes and no. Yes: to uphold the natural law that's been enforced since before Natalie was sent away and because any leeway provided by Lottie could be seen as an easy weak link in the already established chain. No: Weakness didn't have to be an ultimate downside. Lottie could have implemented her own rules in Nat's absence, but what good would that have done in the long run to change things so abruptly? There were far too many things to consider and changing anything would not have boded well in Nat's return with rules shifting one way or the other.
Everything had to be done as if Natalie was still in charge, because that much hadn't changed at all; whether she was present or not. Lottie had to respect that and in turn, Keiko needed to as well. They didn't have to like it in full, but rules were rules. ❝ It does, yes. ❞ She finally has to admit without much remorse to tone once her hand is drawn away from Hiroshi's back. To Keiko's benefit, she didn't have to be there. She could have easily taken her son and left a long time ago if that's what she wanted, but she didn't and so Lottie can only assume her reasoning as to why that was.
What's more, is that Lottie feels she deserves some credit in not holding any form of jealousy or ill-will when it came to the relationship Natalie and Kei held for one another, but of course, she'd never speak of it out loud. Especially, not to Keiko specifically. Not when there was love there between them as well; a certain amount of care that remained quite reserved. A smile still graces her features regardless once the decision is made of where they would go for dinner that evening and Lottie nods in agreement.
❝ That sounds perfect, I'll drive. Hiro's car seat is still in the backseat. In the meantime, you can tell me all about your day before we get into the logistics of everything else. We don't have to worry about anything else regarding the club for the rest of the night. I have Van keeping an eye on things. ❞
“Tell me. Is there anything of value in this life that doesn’t come with risk?”
