Feeling a little stressed and weird this week.
For about a year or so, I’ve had suspicions that my mom’s boyfriend has been abusing her. She would have random bruises and would text me in the night telling me to come pick her up. However, the middle-of-the-night texting would happen when I knew she was drunk, so I thought nothing of it. She would blame the bruises on falling down the stairs, and I believed it because of her alcoholism.
On Saturday night, he beat her. She ended up with a broken nose and in the hospital. I found out Sunday morning. She had called me at 3 am or so, but I figured it was a drunk dial so I didn’t call her back. I didn’t find out until my grandma called me at about 9, telling me what happened. My mom was hysterical and still inebriated so I told my grandma to just keep me updated with what was happening. I had super bad anxiety for the rest of the day and ended up just crying periodically because of the emotional stress. I wanted to be there with my mom for her sake, but I knew that I mentally would not be able to handle it, so I kept my distance.
On Monday, I’m at work and at about 2:30 I get a call from my grandma. She said that although Steve had been arrested and could not come back to his house until after he had gone to court, I needed to get some of my old childhood things that I had been storing there (obviously living in a small apartment doesn’t offer a lot of room for storage) as soon as possible because they didn’t know when he would be allowed back into the house. I just said okay then hung up. I called Goose and told him that I was at a total loss of what to do and just started crying (in front of all my coworkers, of course.), he told me to call his dad and ask for his help. I told my work what was going on and they sent me home, and I called his dad. He agreed to meet me at my house with his van so I could get my stuff from Steve’s house.
We get there and my mom is drunk. She started apologizing over and over for how she treated me growing up because “now she knew how I felt.”. I got a little emotional, but was also slightly annoyed because I can’t stand being around her while she’s been drinking. We hurried and packed up the stuff and she talked to me about having nowhere to go. I told her that I felt bad that I couldn’t do anything. She said it was okay and was going to call her brother in Idaho to see if she could stay with him. But then, she kept saying things like “I’m going to end up on the street” and “I have nowhere to go” and just kept being dramatic. She was in a super shitty situation, which I get, but I also knew that there were a couple of family members that would allow her to stay with them. We’re loading up my stuff and she keeps teasing me about all of my stuffed animals that I still have (all of which have sentimental meaning from my childhood) and that sort of bothered me too. Throughout this whole time, she keeps getting emotional about how she treated me growing up and keeps telling the same stories over and over again about how Steve said this and how Steve said that. Eventually, we pack up and leave. Goose’s dad and brother were there with me and super supportive, which really helped.
Fast forward to today. I’ve talked to my mom yesterday, and she said that she has a place up at a rehab in Provo. Great. I get a text today from Steve, saying “Please step up and help Rhonda get the rest of her stuff out of my house. I feel like a prisoner, I can’t go back to my house. Please help.”. That text made me absolutely infuriated for a number of reasons. 1. HE was the one who caused this situation. 2. I am NOT responsible for my mom and her actions. I helped out by getting the majority of the boxes out of his garage, I am not responsible for whatever else she does. and 3. I have helped her out time and time and time again, despite how bad she was to me while growing up. I’ve been graceful enough to not go into detail with him and even my own family members about how emotionally abusive she was towards me after my dad had passed on. Sure, I love her, but I also can’t forget how she has treated me. I unfriended him on facebook, blocked him, and blocked his number. I will not tolerate someone making me feel bad for not “doing more” when I have done more than enough for someone who has taken advantage of my kindness too many times.
Amongst all that, I started class, had to keep an eye on Enzo (new puppy), and had to get new car insurance, which was a hassle in itself.
I still feel very angry and unsettled today. I no longer want to be involved with my family drama, and I don’t care how bad that sounds. My mom definitely did not deserve to be beaten or treated like how she was by Steve, but I also have a hard time having any more sympathy for her. Why is it that when I was being hurt by her, nobody was there for me? But the second she needs something, I’m supposed to drop everything and be there for her? I will be encouraging with her to a point, but I am not her mother. I do not need to take care of her. It’s so weird though, because sometimes we have an absolute blast together. We went on a 9 mile bike ride the other day, and the night before she was beaten, she came over and visited Enzo for the first time and we had a good time. I love her so much, but it’s such a damn Jekyl and Hyde situation with her.
I’ve been having a lot of conflicting feelings regarding her lately, ranging from guilt to anger to sadness to pity to love. My feelings about my childhood and how I grew up with her have been boiling to the surface lately, and I think I am having a hard time dealing with them. I don’t know how to process them. I think I need to go to a therapist and get rid of all of this weird guilt that I have.
