heavendisemboweled

Processing Symptoms, Thoughts & Feelings Through Blogging

[heavendisemboweled]

Shame

I was talking to a good friend a while back; I often come off as a condescending know-it-all, and without ever intending to do so, this particular friend has a way of reminding me to be modest. I always walk in to conversations thinking I’m an expert, and whenever I speak to her she somehow kindly and effortlessly says something that makes me realize how much there is I still don’t know. I love that about her. 

I was talking with her, quite fluidly, about our mental health struggles. Despite wildly different pasts, our brains seemed to have developed remarkably similar responses and coping mechanisms in response to our past traumas. She’s undeniably further along when it comes to understanding and recovering from these bumps in the road, and it’s always enlightening to talk with her. 

I’m pretty open when I talk, I don’t feel inhibited when I talk to this particular friend. On this occasion though, she asked a simple and innocent question which caused an unusual involuntary response from me. Despite our fluid conversations, we’re not particularly close and hardly know everything about each other. So, when discussing some ambiguous struggles I’ve had with my husband, she very matter of factly asked ‘Are you gay?’  I involuntarily went silent. I just stared at her with a dumbfounded look, presumably with the wide crazy eyes I’m known to often posses; Like a deer in headlights. She looked a little startled by my reaction since, in the context of this conversation, it was a casual question. I noticed this and tried to diffuse the tension by spitting out “No,”  which in retrospect probably came off as defensive and strange.  I shook it off, and continued the conversation more normally, pretending like the awkward moment never existed. But that awkward moment has been eating at me every since - WHY was it an awkward moment? I claim to understand myself well, but I had absolutely no clue what elicited this visceral and uncontrollable reaction.  Here’s the thing - I’m not gay, but I hold no negative feelings with the association. And you must believe, I mean that. There was no internalized fear of being associated with being gay involved here. My reaction actually made me re-evaluate that belief; Did I actually have some repressed prejudiced I was ignoring? I have literally spent months wracking my brain over this, it’s been eating me up inside. I thought I had myself all figured out, but there have been many times in the past I felt that way and then suddenly some big shell of my self conscious was cracked and everything fell apart.  I’m still not completely articulate about what part of my mind caused that reaction, but I’ve finally started to untangle that particular mass of complexities.  It’s part shame, and part fear. Intense, irrational shame about who I am and deep, terrifying fear of being misunderstood. That shame holds multiple facets, it wasn’t one simple and easily defined source that caused that complete freeze when we were talking. It was a slew of shames all converging. To say it was shame about sexuality isn’t accurate; I’ve been coming to terms with being asexual, and while I’m still not really open or comfortable with it, it’s not because of shame; Just uncertainty.  It was shame about acceptance. It was shame about misunderstanding and false blame. It was shame about not being worthy of friendship. It was fear of saying the wrong thing. It was conflict between my instinct to say whatever my broken mind things I should say, about having no idea what the ‘correct’ thing to say would be, and about my promise to only speak honestly to my friends who have invested so much time in to understanding and accepting me.  My visceral response was an overwhelming and irrational fear that by just answering this simple question, I would be rejected. The thought that by posting this question, my friend had a response in mind and that any incorrect response would ruin this relationship. And it was a deep shame caused by the conflict I’d been facing about who I was and where I belong. I was terrified that by saying no, I could be somehow ostracizing my friend - Or that I might sound defensive, or that I might come off as homophobic, or who the heck knows. I was terrified that whatever words carelessly dropped out of my mouth, I would somehow lose this precious friendship through misunderstanding. And I was deeply ashamed that, even though I’d openly spoken about my struggle to understand my asexuality with her, that by saying the word out loud I’d somehow be saying ‘I’m not part of YOUR group’ and that I would not be accepted. Just this deep, horrible shame that I was wrong to be how I was and that I was supposed to be something else.  I remembered back in 7th grade, I read a little column from a mental health pamphlet or journal outlining mental health issues. I read the paragraph about depression, and I distinctly remember that it was the first time in my life I thought “I’m not weird, other people feel like this - It’s a real thing and there might be help.” I remember taking the blurb to the school counselor, but I had literally blacked out all the ‘symptoms’ I was embarrassed to talk about even though they were true. Something about sexuality and something about self harm. I remember her asking what I had blacked out, and I told her it was stuff that didn’t apply - But when I said that, I felt such a deep overwhelming shame that she’d knew what I had black out that I quickly left and never talked to a counselor again. It felt like the same kind of shame.  I can’t exactly articulate it, because there was no conscious definable thought process. It was just an instinct. A fear I was about to lose everything, or be ostracizes. My choked out response only came around when I remembered that this was a real friend, who would not judge. But that deep rooted terror that I would not live up to her expectations or deserve her friendship didn’t allow me to regain a normal composure right away.  This reaction was completely unwarranted of me. Completely. I’m so lucky to have patient and understanding friends, and even if I did offend them, I know they’d talk to me about it. There was no reason for this fear. I hope eventually I’ll better understand why I felt such shame, but I at least understand that was the feeling. I’ve spent so much time trying to understand it though, I felt like I needed to write down my thoughts. 

[heavendisemboweled]

My body is smart. It seems to crave what it needs. Sometimes I feel weak or sickly or otherwise unpleasant, and my body says “You need iron, crave some leafy greens” or “You’re out of energy reserved, you need some carbs” or “oh man lady, some fruit salad is what will make your body feel right today.” It seems to just kind of get it, I feel off and I crave something and it makes me feel better. When I am shaky or weak or nauseus or out of energy my body seems to know what to put in it to fix that.

I wonder if that’s how it works for people with healthy minds. When they get sad, does their brain tell them what action will alleviate the sadness? When they feel incomplete, does their mind guide them to the missing pieces? Do they just know - A hike will help, going out will help, taking a nap will help, making art will help, a nice cup of coffee will help. Does that instinct to do the thing that resolves the problem exist like that for normal people?

[heavendisemboweled]

I got distraced at work by writing a blog about novelty bias. About half way through I realized the irony, and successfully stopped and went back to work.

[heavendisemboweled]

Is it depression if you have a good reason to be depressed?

Do I have depression? Hard to say. I feel like hyperactive adhd and depression play weird together. Am I depressed? Often. Am I sad? Sometimes. Do I have little interest in doing things? It comes and goes. Do I feel hopeless? Often. Is any of this without reason though? Not really.

Even at my lowest, I am easily excited and empassioned by things. That’s probably the ADHD. I get super excited about ideas and concepts and projects. I’m enthusiastic often. But most of that energy is shallow and falls apart as quickly as it takes hold, and I come right back around to a default hopelessness.

I have many, many days where I don’t have the will power to do anything. I WISH I could just lay in bed all day. But this nonstop twitchy restlessness doesn’t allow that. So instead I restlessly pace around for hours, unable to do anything and unable to settle.

I am depressed about things. I am depressed about the governement, and about human rights, and about our planet, and about my various situations in life. But I also can’t see any changes I could make where I feel as though this would improve. I literally can not envision any future where I am truly at peace. That’s depressing.

Depression is a diagnosis, and many diagnosises involve depression. I don’t think I have depression. I think I have a lot of reasons to be depressed compounded with a list of other mental health issues that we’re trying to make sense of.

[heavendisemboweled]

I’m in A Mood.

I’m in A Mood. It’s not very easy to describe. Parts of it are, parts of A Mood are simple to break down and verbalize. But the odd way in which they mesh is harder. I think the components of A Mood will probably sound depressed, so before I talk about the specific thought complexes plaguing me, I want to set the tone for my physical state so that the latwr information is not misinterpreted.

I feel tight. I feel like my body is it half the size it normally feels, a tiny tight wound up thing. It’s tense, everything about me feels tense. My muscles are tense. My feet are tightly wrapped around each other, my hands are twitchy and unpredictable. My eyes only have two states; hard staring in to nothing, or darting constantly. When they get like that, I assume that other people would refer to them as Crazy Eyes. My heart is fluttery.

But I’m not restless. That is important right now, because normally when I feel as I’ve described, I also feel restless - Like my skin is about to burst open, like I have to scream or punch something or run a marathon or build a house - Like I have to do something to let out the mass of spinning energy inside. But that’s not how it feels today. Instead of feeling like I might explode, I rather feel like I might implode. Like I can’t pull my knees close enough to my chest, like I need to take up less space. Crawling in to a small hole in the dirt might be comforting. Like I need to become so small that I’m invisible. That nobody can see my or hear me or even remember I used to exist.

And don’t misunderstand, I don’t wish to cease existing at all. I just want to exist in isolation. It feels like I can’t breathe with so much around me.

This is one flavor of my version of manic. Exploding Manic and Imploding Manic.

So, when it comes to the thoughts stuck in my head...

I woke up this way today. It started last night. Sometimes I can identify a trigger, and sometimes it just starts. This started with a strange noise outside. I was content curled up with my husband and watching tv, when I heard a noise in the back yard. It could have been a million things, I live in the city. But my brain became fixated. I stared out the window the rest of the evening. And when we went to bed, I continued to just stare out that window. Maybe someone was going to break in to my car, or snoop around the house. I’m not irrationally afraid of those things, it wasn’t fear keeping me looking - Just fixation.

But I eventually put on some headphones, forced myself to listen to a distracting podcast and fell asleep. I woke up several times, each time immedietely and without hesitation sitting up to stare out the window for a moment before talking myself back to laying down.

I had a fairy awful dream, one that digs at some of the delusions and fears I happen to struggle with; Being a disappointment, letting people down, people realizing I’m a fraud. It was a long dream with many parts, just running through my bad complexes as if checking off items on a list. My brain was already tense, and that’s what happens. It wasn’t a lucid dream, there was no control. I was just along for the ride.

So, I woke up feeling tense and incredibly distant. I get touch-phobic sometimes, I’ve had that since an abusive relationship 14 years ago. At first it was constant, and then it turned in to spells; on and off. And the spells got shorter and farther apart, and now it’s an uncommon occurance. Normally triggered by something, and lasts a day or two and then drifts off. I woke up feeling like this today. Tense, and wanting to close myself off so nobody could see me or hear me or touch me or talk to me.

And it was bad first thing in the morning, but once I got out of bed it dwindled down. It was lurking. I still felt like I wanted to close off from the world, but not strongly enough that it interfered with my life. I ran late to work becausw I had trouble convincing myself to make myself look human, but I eventually made it to work.

Sidebar - Part of that bad dream involved me walking in my work, and the entire staff was just past the door in the lobby having a meeting. And when I walked in, I was publicly humiliated and fired. And then back in the real world, when I walked in to work... The entire staff was there, having a mandatory early meeting I was not told about, and everyone went silent and looked at me when I walked in. TALK ABOUT FUCKED UP. Normally it would be a funny coincidence, but because of my mindset at the time it really rattled me. As it turns out, I wasn’t informed because my boss wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be back from my medical leave today or not and didn’t want to burden me with work while I was recovering. Everyone was very happy to see me.

I went through my day ok, not quite myself but passably human. Once I was off work and free of mandatory distractions, I quickly fell back in to my own head and am back to feeling like I did this morning.

So, what is actually going through my head?

I have a long list of delusions and paranoias that plague me, most of which I’m very aware of and entirely capable of articulating when those thoughts are irrational, why I feel that way, what triggered the feeling, how the thought is flawed, etc - Unfortunately, knowing that something is a delusion - at least in my case - does very little to diminish the effect of those feelings. Though recognizing a lot of my patterns and behaviors as coping mechanisms that developed because of those delusions has at least been helpful in learning to establish some healthier coping mechanisms. But when I get in these imploding manic moods, the delusions take over, regardless of how much logic and reasoning I throw at them.

The delusions are all connected, they’re all part of the same network of self value related beliefs.

Some delusions are simple and common, and while I can delve in to details on how they developed in me, I don’t think it adds much to the narative in this case. I have your garden variety self esteem and self worth issues, which play in to the rest of my delusions.

I have a desperate need to be useful and helpful, partnered with a delusion that I am a constant disappointment. My normal coping mechanism (an unhealthy one) is to try to everything for everyone. And my fear of letting people down becomes a super power of sorts, allowing me to accomplish a great deal through the power of that fear. That complex also causes me to carefully tiptoe around potential situations where someone might get disappointed or be mad at me, and my coping mechanism if I do percieve someone may feel negatively towards me is to become either incredibly defensive, or to play it off like I don’t give a shit. Also a terrible coping mechanism, but that’s one I’ve improved a lot on.

A related issue I deal with is the incredibly persistant belief that I am a fraud. Because of the above behaviors and fears, I over achieve. A lot. I go above and beyond all the time as much as I can, and while that might sound good at a job interview, in my case it’s actuall incredibly unhealthy. It causes me to add more to my plate, to take on projects I can’t complete, to try and tackle things I am underqualified to handle. And I perpetually feel as though people who are impressed aren’t seeing the whole picture. Eventually they’ll realize I’m just bullshitting my way through this. Eventually they’ll realize I’m actually terrible. Eventually they’ll see how broken I am on the inside. I... don’t really cope with this. I don’t have any well defined mechanisms to counteract this feeling, it’s always looming. When it gets too bad, I bail. I have a 2-year timer. Jobs and relationships both, after about 2 years I can no longer bear the horrified anticipation that the other party is going to catch on to my general inadequacy, and I bail. Even if things were actually going great, I can’t bear in anymore.

(My husband is the first one who actually confronted and worked through my issues with me when I started showing distance increasing behavior. The delusions still build and take over, but we get through it and the counter resets. I’m very happy to have someone patient enough and invested enough to fight for out relationship when I start to lose the fight with my mind.)

I have a delusion that everyone hates me. Or they all think I’m annoying. They tolerate me at best. I cope with this by being utterly inapproachable on anything other than a casual manner. This delusion is probably the most pervasive one. Even though I know it’s a delusion, I still can’t stop thinking that nobody likes me. And so I avoid letting anyone get too close to me. Anyone who likes me is either just too nice to tell me they really don’t, or they have something to gain from me.

All of the above delusions funnel in to my most obnoxious coping mechanism - Constantly directly asking for reassurance that I am useful/helpful/not annoying/did a good job etc. I used to fish for feedback, but upon recognizing it as a coping mechanism, switched to straight up asking for confirmation because I believe it’s probably less annoying, and leaves less room for ambiguity.

Everone is out to get me. Everyone is talking behind by back. When I’m not in the room, surely everyone is making fun of me or talking about how awful I am. And people are trying to trick me. Or make a fool of me. Or take credit for something I have done. Or blame me for something. And I cope with this by assuming it’s always the case and acting accordingly. I hide things, and am fiercely private. I minimize windows when people walk by computer even if I am doing nothing of note. I always make sure I can prove that the good things I did were mine, and I cover myself a thousand ways to make sure I can’t be blamed for something I was not at fault for. I wait outside rooms and listen before I walk in in case they are taking about me (because I’m a creeper apperently.) And I desperately avoid situations if I’ve convinced myself that they might lead to being blamed or ridiculed for something.

I mean, all my delusions overlap, they’re all one big happy family. And most of the time, they exist, but I’m aware of then and actively working to discredit them and find healthier coping mechanisms. But when I get in to this imploding manic state, what happens is this:

My mind has a big red WARNING: MELTDOWN IMMINENT light flashing. Some of my coping mechanisms go in to overdrive, others fail completely. And the tiny version of me that runs the command center has her hand on the emergency shutdown switch and is waiting with baited breath to see if any of the delusions will start to fall via coping mechanism or external influence, or if they are going to overload.

... What is the emergency shutdown switch? Don’t worry, it’s not a self destruct switch for me. It’s an EJECT switch. Eject me out of of the situation. Remove myself from everything that is triggering delusions. Abandon ship.

So, what this all come down to is a frantic need to check myself out from humanity. Family trigger my delusions. Friends, coworkers, strangers. Obligations trigger my delusions. And my emergency shutdown switch is the grand daddy of coping mechanisms. That switch gets pressed, I just leave. Get up, get in my car, and just start driving as far away as I can. Go live in the woods. Go be as alone as I possibly can. Remove any human contact.

People joke about wanting to do that all the time. It’s not a joke in my head. It’s a real last resort option.

So far, it’s just a feeling. I always eventually come down. I become ultra cautious not to do anything to trigger further mental stress, and the feeling dwindles. Sometimes, a friend or my husband say or do something that settled the feeling. And once my hand is off the emergency switch, I can logic myself the rest of the way down. What was I going to do? Find some woods isolately enough that I can get away with building a shitty shelter and living in it without anyone noticing? Freeze to death in the winter? I’d probably have to learn to fish. I hate fish. I’m probably not capable of living 100% self sufficiently, but I sure as hell wouldn’t have money to buy what I can’t acquire on my own.

It was a real dumb idea, it doesn’t even make sense. But when my hand is on that switch, I don’t care. I just need to escape, desperately, and can’t think of any other way to do it.

Even if I ever pull that trigger, it would not last. I adore my husband. My family and I are close. As soon as my brain settled, I’d realize I’m an idiot.

Right now though, my brain just desperately needs to be free of all the things that eat away at it. The deep desire to be alone and to let my brain heal is what makes me want to be invisible.

This thoughtpost has gotten incredibly long and rambly, and probably makes no sense. I could keep rambling, but I think I’ll try and sleep instead. Or maybe stare out the window.

[heavendisemboweled]

I had surgery yesterday where they blew up my abdomen like a balloon with CO2, made 3 incisions in my abdomen and spent an hour and a half fishing out boatloads of scar tissue from my reproductice tract. I am now swollen, tender, and having awful diaphragm pain and shoulder pain from an irritated phrenic nerve.

... And I am still in less pain than I am when I have menstrual cramps. Let that sink in for a second.

[heavendisemboweled]

Sometimes, I’m depressed at the state of the word I live in. There is plenty to be sad about. Other times, I’m just minding my own business and then suddenly I get punched in the face with deep existential sadness for no damned reason. And I never know how to deal with that. Suddenly being washed over with just complete hopelessness or a desperate pleading need for promise or meaning... No trigger, it’s just suddenly there.

#depression #anxiety #adhd

[heavendisemboweled]

I woke up, immedietely got dressed and left for work, came home, immedietely fot ready to go, went to required obligations, got home, immedietely spent as much time as I could afford working on chores I am critically behind in, rushed out to do the rest of my work, got home, immedietely showered, and now here I am... at bedtime. These kind of days are one of the reasons my mental health has been such a struggle this summer. Most days are like this.

[heartbreakhur]

[heavendisemboweled]

Since my ADHD diagnosis, I’ve gotten to put a lot of names to behaviors I’ve always had, such as hyperfocus. What I didn’t really realize today though is that hyperfocus isn’t JUST the ability to spend twelve nonstop hours tending a garden or writing a manual. Hyperfocus can apply to thoughts. That is SO IMPORTANT to understand! I’d been trying to figure out what exactly my fixation on an idea taking over my thoughts for hours or days was, but it didn’t occur to me that it was also a notch in the hyperfocus belt. Like when I wake up six times in one night and IMMEDIETELY am thinking of technical details for my next chicken coop without rhyme or reason, as if I never was asleep. Or when I’m looking for a piece of hardware for a project and have a picture in my head, but don’t actually know WHAT it is so I spend three hours obsessively looking at every item at home depot trying to find that one thing in my mind.

It applies to feeling too. This is also important to me. And it helps explain why taking stimulants have done some odd things to my mental state. They have made my hyperfocus in general more frequent and more severe. It’s also made my obsessive negative thoughts so much more stubborn. Before, I’d occasionally get ‘stuck’ in a feeling, but now it’s happening more. When I feel self loathing in an obsessive way, it’s ALL I think about and nothing can distract. Or when I’m feeling like I need to make changes, I’m obsessed with introspection on improving myself and can’t pull myself away.

A lot of people affectionately refer to hyperfocus as a super power. I get it, but it’s not been my experience.

[heavendisemboweled]

Cornucopia

Everyone feels bad sometimes, and very few people feel completely good often, if at all. This broad reality makes many things difficult from a diagnostic point if view. It makes it hard to know what is normal and what is not, especially if you’ve always lived with a symptom. It makes it easy for others to disregard and trivialize your problems, as people tend to assume your experience is the same as theirs (such as assuming your debilitating chronic migraine is the same as their mild sinus headache.) It can make it hard for medical professions to know how concerning a complaint is, since they see thousands of people with the same complaint with various degrees is of seriousness.

And it makes it hard to look at big pictures - When you have many, many minor issues it’s very difficult to figure out what things are outliers, what things come in sets, and how things are interconnected. If each individual thing is a minor to moderate concern, it’s hard to find someone to take you seriously even if all of the items combined result in debilitation.

And things get worse quickly if you meet any of a long list of criteria that makes you easy to label. Being female, black, disabled, a young person, overweight, having a diagnosed mental health issue, or even just having had someone in the past decide you are dramatic, a faker, a hypochondriac, wanting attention - The second something about you gives people a reason to not take your complaints seriously, it seems that is exactly what they’ll tend to do. And then you start doubting and second guessing.

I go back and forth. A history of being constantly invalidated and shoved off has left me full of self doubt and a tendency to underplay my own issues. But a few recent victories, validations and diagnosis had empowered me to start persuing any issue, physical or mental, that effects the quality of my life.

And when you find an answer, an explanation, sometimes it leads to some amazing discoveries. You start finding links you didn’t expect. You start really understanding how the systems in your body are connected.

My small handfull of answers has lead to more questions. The more I research, the more I find some of my seperate ‘answers’ are actually linked together. I find that seemigly unrelated symptoms I live with are often comorbid with others I experience, it’s not just me. And the more I research, the more links I find.

And sometimes, I find a link - An explanation of something I have always struggled with - that I did not even know was abnormal. I had no idea it even belonged on the list because I’ve been so programmed to accept my situation.

So, starting last week, I started keeping extensive calendars and notes. Using apps to monitor my moods, physical symptoms, foods I eat, things I do, my behavior, environmental changes. And I consolidate my data, and add new fields as I experience them. I am leaving no stone unturned. I am documenting and catagorizing everything. I am on a mission. I am going to start piecing together anything that correlates. I am going to start figuring out which things I feel and experience are normal, which are independant, and what is connected. I want to be five steps ahead of whatever my body is doing. I want to find possibilities if they are there to find and bring them to my doctors attention instead of waiting to fall apart just enough that someone start paying attention for me.

It will be an adventure.

[heavendisemboweled]

The single most important thing for my well-being is to be able to sit outside, clear my mind, and appreciate the sounds and beauty of the outdoors.

[heavendisemboweled]

I work too much, and the rare occasions that I am not working, I spend that time catching up on chores and obligations. And even when I do have little slivers of me time, I don’t get to spend then doing things to relieve my stress because my anxiety and adhd dictate my choices for me and almost always in ways which are not actually healing or helpful.

The weight is stacking. The lack of relief makes me more anxious, more depressed, and even worse at time management. And as a result; things fall even further behind and I lose even more chances for time to focus on my own health.

I have spent the last few years trying to find solutions to my mental health issues and my time management issues so that I can keep up with life. I only recently realized that, sometimes, the problem actually is that you have too much on your plate and not always due to an inability to manage your plate.

I have to find a way to cut back on commitments. I need to find a way to work less without adding extra anxiety to my plate from a lack of money or from guilt about cutting back.

Fuck if I know how to do that.

[heavendisemboweled]

It’s Too Damned Loud

I need to blog again, just about me and my thoughts and about processing the things going on in my life. I need to get some of the voices out of my head and in to words. I’m going to try. Or this will be my only post. Who can say.