heeffedad

vent blog lol

[heeffedad]

get it. becaused i'm effed in the head. lol

[heeffedad]

haha

hahahahahaha

hahahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I FINALLY HAVE PROOF

NOBODY WILL NOTICE IF I'M GONE

i've been hiding from my class for ten minutes. trying to come to grips with the fact that i ruined my life's work.

it's not a strict class. if somebody noticed i was gone, they could send me a text.

nothing.

not one text.

nobody cares that i'm gone

NOBODY CARES THAT I'M GONE

...how far could this go?

how much can i disappear before anyone notices? can i disappear completely?

[wingsinblue]

I'm so disgusted with the person i'm now

[heeffedad]

when will i learn

when

will

i

fucking

LEARN

that i need to do things ON TIME

and that i will RUIN MY OWN LIFE if i do not

i probably never will

the thing i've worked the hardest on all year. all destroyed because i left one little tiny detail to the last minute. i told myself it would be fine. i have time.

it's not fine.

it's ruined.

this project meant everything to me. this is my life's work. all destroyed and it's all my fault.

i can't salvage it. the people involved are going to have to go through with it anyway and they'll think i'm insane if i tell them we can't. i can't. but it's too late to turn around.

what would be my greatest accomplishment, ruined.

...no, it would never have been my greatest accomplishment. i have none. because i never learned my lesson. because i destroy everything i touch through my inaction. i am genuinely delusional to think that i am capable of anything when every time i try i am proven otherwise.

i don't know how to get myself out of this, unless i happen upon some serious injury, which is unlikely to happen on its own and i am too much of a wimp to stage the required circumstances.

once again, i have to live through my failure. except this time, i'm going to have an audience. i genuinely don't know how i'm going to survive this

[heeffedad]

i have to get blood drawn in half an hour and im so fucking scared i don't want them to say anything about my self harm scars i don't want to be punished for them what if they make me stay there what if they yell at me im scared im so fucking scared

[heeffedad]

ended up being fine the person i got was rlly nice

[heeffedad]

i have to get blood drawn in half an hour and im so fucking scared i don't want them to say anything about my self harm scars i don't want to be punished for them what if they make me stay there what if they yell at me im scared im so fucking scared

[scramratz]

I think people would be less suicidal if they were allowed to talk about being suicidal without risk of being sent to the Torture Dungeon

[twinkhole-destroyer]

“nobody wants to work anymore” yeah because everyone wants to kill themselves

[heeffedad]

failed out of college lol

i have too many responsibilities to kill myself so im microdosing suicide by running away from home and turning my phone off

[heeffedad]

couldn't even follow through with that i need to get hit by a fucking truck

[heeffedad]

failed out of college lol

i have too many responsibilities to kill myself so im microdosing suicide by running away from home and turning my phone off

[heeffedad]

forgot lexapro increases your bleeding risk

anyway i'm gonna try to actually get clean from cutting now

[heeffedad]

at the same time i wish i had gotten a picture before i finally managed to get the bleeding to stop... would've helped to have evidence, and i can't bring myself to cut it open again. i'm so tempted to but i also reset my streak at exactly midnight so now i kinda feel like i can't

[heeffedad]

forgot lexapro increases your bleeding risk

anyway i'm gonna try to actually get clean from cutting now

[heeffedad]

i'm so sick of getting exhausted from doing less than the bare minimum

[heeffedad]

i'm not even gonna delete the post i accidentaly rbed on this blog like. that's important stuff

[ceasarslegion]

In my experience as a third culture kid who travels a lot the best indicator that you as a non-x is appreciating x culture is if the locals actively invite you to participate in it with them

Yes, you are allowed to buy those handmade Inuit winter clothes if an Inuk is literally selling them to you. They would not be offering you a price point if they didnt want you to buy and wear them. And you might discover that theyre the best winter clothes youve ever worn because of COURSE they would be if theyve kept this culture warm in harsh winters for thousands of years.

Yes, you are allowed to join those Cambodians in that local holiday theyre celebrating during your visit if they literally invited you to it. They would not have invited you if they didnt want you to participate. And in the process you might learn a lot about a culture you never wouldve interacted with and you can all have a laugh together about your clumsy but genuine attempts at getting your footwork right in one of their traditional dances.

Yes, you are also allowed to ask if you can participate in something from the local culture you are visiting. Sometimes you will get "sorry, thats a closed practice" but in my experience most of the time you'll get "of course, let me show you how to do this!" And in my experience people tend to appreciate when others make an active effort in sharing their culture and wont stone you to death if youre clumsy about it while youre learning. I guarantee that the local children doing all of this for the first time too make the same mistakes you do and they can tell if youre being disrespectful or genuine.

So much "cultural appropriation" discourse really starts to sound like "you cant participate or visit any other cultures if youre from a Colonial Culture and have to stay in your little box and never relate to other people"

[ceasarslegion]

You actually sound like more of a racist dickhead when your response to being offered something is to say "no im not allowed to do that, Im white"

[heeffedad]

one of my friends made a joke about cutting her arm last night (she had to get blood drawn and another friend had just been asking about the band-aid) and she was like. so weirdly dramatic about it too. making this big slashing motion.

i fell apart and couldn't function the rest of the night (i'm a dancer and this was right before we had a major rehearsal too. i could barely move let alone dance) which is fucking stupid because i joke about my cutting all the time. and normally people talking about sh doesn't bother me at all (i usually just go psych nerd mode instead of mentally ill mode) but it was something about the flippancy of it. idk.

i dont want this to interfere with our friendship and *especially* not with dance because i have to catch her in this really big fall thing in one of the pieces we're in but idk how to bring it up. or if i should even say anything at all. idk how to talk to people about my mental health without imposing on them

[hollanderthoughts]

I want to be heard (doesn’t speak) I want to be understood (doesn’t explain) I want to be seen (acts like if a missing person was right in front of everybody)