The Onion continues to never miss

@theartofmadeline
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"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
NASA

Love Begins

izzy's playlists!

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Jules of Nature
Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
will byers stan first human second
Game of Thrones Daily
Stranger Things
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Claire Keane
trying on a metaphor

tannertan36
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@hellbendergender
The Onion continues to never miss
so the BBC accidentally said the UK consumes 4.7 kilograms of cocaine per person per day
Actually just a statistical error. Cocaine Georg, who lives in Stoke and does 20 kilos per minute, is an outlier and should not have been counted.
*sees a beloved mutual in the notes* hi honey
just remember, tense your shoulders, grit your teeth, take rapid shallow breaths and say to yourself ”oh shit, oh fuck, this is all my fault”
How are conchs even real
Everyone in the reblogs saying “these are predators that can kill you btw” NO!!!!! You are thinking of CONE SNAILS. which are equally ridiculous looking but in a very different way!
CONE SNAIL has:
Leetle eyes
Long sniffer
Toingue
CONCHS are mostly vegetarian and their only defense is to look you in the eye and make you feel bad for them
how it feels to wash your hair and brush your teeth and have clean clothes on
ooooo you wanna take a shower so bad
i just got a 105 min ad?? on youtube??
????????
ITS THE ENTIRE FUCKING LEGO MOVIE
please reblog this until i find my true love. i am so alone
Made it poly friendly
oh hell yeah even better
Made one for aromantic trans people 👍
I went to reblog this, lifted my blanket up, there were me keys. It really works guys
new contender for best community note of all time
10/10 dad joke
I'll take "sentences you would only hear on tumblr" for $200, Alex.
“average person eats 3 spiders a year” factoid actualy just statistical error. average person eats 0 spiders per year. Spiders Georg, who lives in cave & eats over 10,000 each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted
SPIDERS GEORG ON ONE MILLION CREEP GUYS
The average tumblr user gets 100 notes factoid is actually just statistical error. The average tumblr user gets 0 notes.
Tumblr Georg, who has 1,000,000 notes, is a statistical outlier and should not have been counted.
My dad was eating pistachios so I reached my hand out and he just started peeling them and giving them to me. Then suddenly went “I really hope you find someone who loves you a lot” and I went “enough to peel my pistachios for me?” And he laughed and said “yeah exactly” before carrying on giving me more
The Raincoat
by Ada Limón
When the doctor suggested surgery
and a brace for all my youngest years,
my parents scrambled to take me
to massage therapy, deep tissue work,
osteopathy, and soon my crooked spine
unspooled a bit, I could breathe again,
and move more in a body unclouded
by pain. My mom would tell me to sing
songs to her the whole forty-five minute
drive to Middle Two Rock Road and forty-
five minutes back from physical therapy.
She’d say, even my voice sounded unfettered
by my spine afterward. So I sang and sang,
because I thought she liked it. I never
asked her what she gave up to drive me,
or how her day was before this chore. Today,
at her age, I was driving myself home from yet
another spine appointment, singing along
to some maudlin but solid song on the radio,
and I saw a mom take her raincoat off
and give it to her young daughter when
a storm took over the afternoon. My god,
I thought, my whole life I’ve been under her
raincoat thinking it was somehow a marvel
that I never got wet.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/la3xpq/aita_for_telling_my_boyfriends_coworker_that_were/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
👀
putting serious thought into this one before being utterly blindsided by the ending