#unhealthy patterns

[the-healing-mindset]

Remember: Just because you're skilled in recognizing what's going on and skilled in identifying their unhealthy patterns does not mean that you need to continue dealing with that kind of behavior.

[iknowmyworth]

[macabregoddess]

[portlypuppy]

CXG | 1x09 | Rebecca + Paula

Big spoon + little spoon

[witchqueenlilith]

I really worry about some of the teenagers in fandom these days. This level of access to their idols on social media is unprecedented. Not ten years ago could you find a one of your faves who knew how to use Instagram. I see comments on there that are so deeply rooted in insecurity and affirmation seeking. It is so sad. All you want is for your fave to notice you. And I totally get that desire. And that’s fine. But you can’t let that control your happiness. That’s when it becomes a true addiction. It never stops. They like your comment, but then you want them to reply to you, or reblog your art, and then follow you, the wants just keep getting bigger and more unreasonable. This is an addiction that you are letting take over your self worth and mental health. What you truly want is to be seen, to be accepted, to be loved. But you can’t pin that on them. They are only one person. And they are just trying to live their life. Do their work. And they are doing their best. You are one in a sea of fans who all want the same thing. You take and you take from them until they have nothing left to give you and you lash out at them for not being perfect. What you want will never come to fruition, because you keep changing the line in your head of how much they need to give you to make you happy. You will never be satisfied until you recognize this pattern and get off the merry-go-round of external affirmation seeking.

[the-healing-mindset]

For so long, we may hold our inability to "get along" in certain environments against ourselves. We may question ourselves as to why we just can't take whatever it is we may be facing. But what if those things are truly abusive? What if what we are experiencing is only meant to cause us pain and not to help us grow?

It is very easy for us to want to grow while we are in hardship because there is no other way, but in some situations, we are better off leaving alone those things that are causing us that pain, not leaning further into them. How do we know when to abandon those things? We need to ask what it is we are looking to get out of the situation. "Tough love" will only get us so far.

This goes for more than just relationships. Jobs. Environments. Habits. Is any of this easy? No. Is any of this clear and straightforward? Also, no. What this will look like is different for each of us. What works for one person will not work for another. That's why it is so important to get in touch with what is inside. The internet tells us one thing. Mainstream media tells us another. Society has a completely different answer. But where do you fall amongst all of that? In the end, only your say matters because you are the one who has to live your life.

Source: Jeff Brown

[help-my-relationship]

Every time we (F34 M45) fight I ask for reassurance (“are we breaking up?”)

We and my husband of 5 years have the same fight over and over again. The reasons are different but our reaction are the same and the pattern of the fight stays the same. I have severe PTSD both from my childhood and from my previous relationship - and abandonment issues because of that Since the beginning of the year we have been through the rough patch. This time I voiced some concerns abiut how our lawyer (a really bad lawyer that he found and for some reason did not fire) is handling things. I used all of my DBT skills correctly and voiced the concerns calmly, using I-sentences and all that, even my therapist later congratulated me on that. But my husband immediately got defensive, saying things like “oh so its my fault” (it kinda is..) and I got scared and immediately started apologizing and trying to stop the conflict. He got more and more angry and I got really scared and asked him “are we going to break up over this?”. He answered “as you like”, I started spiraling and apologizing some more, asking what does that mean. He said “This means that your favorite habit of asking me if we are breaking up every time after you don’t get a sufficient response to your requests for love and support, let it remain yours, putting me in this crappy position every time, is no longer necessary, how to live, you will decide for yourself, I suggest we talk about everyday topics and our dog” This all happed while I was away for work, and it hurt me - so when I came back I went to my friends house and stayed there since. It been 3 days and not a word from him I know that asking “are we breaking up” is a manipulation, a form of self-soothing, but is it really that bad? Have any of you been through something like that? I’m trying to give him space, but all that feels cruel UPD probably should’ve mentioned - we broke up earlier this year and agreed that if we fight like this again we should break up for real. however what is “like this” is different for us both - since then we had a couple fight that felt the same for me, but not for him. so its all really confusing, and now during every disagreement I feel very anxious

You're in therapy and clearly serious about working to build better habits. Is he?

[help-my-relationship]

Found out my boyfriend 34M cheated on me 36F early on…but things are good now. Stay or move on?

My boyfriend 34M and I 36F have been together just over a year. Yesterday I found out he had cheated on me early on in the relationship. Lately he’s been checking my phone and accusing me of cheating so I felt like something was up. We had a bit of a rocky start to the relationship so I asked him if he was seeing anyone else at that time. He confessed to hooking up with another girl off of an app. We were both on feeld exploring adding another person to our sexual relationship. I had jokingly said something along the lines of ‘if he is going to sleep with someone else, I don’t want to know about it’. Somehow he took this as permission to have sex with another girl. We were exclusive and only supposed to be playing with another person together. Another thing to note is that my bf is mildly autistic and seems to take what I say very literally. That was last June. So not only did he cheat, he hid this from me and lied when I had asked some other times if he was with someone else. I felt hurt at first, but truthfully I’m not very upset about the situation anymore. We had a rocky start to the relationship until around July. We had expressed uncertainty for one another and had broken up twice. I’ve also made mistakes in previous relationships, so I have some compassion for him. He said it was very casual, just sex and nothing more. He seemed pretty ashamed of the whole thing. Our relationship had done a 180 since July and we’re starting to talk about getting engaged and moving in together. I feel conflicted. I love him and want to stay but I’m worried that if I let this go, he will do this again in the future. Is this something that can be worked through?

There's a scary amount of cognitive dissonance going on here.

"Things were bad early on but are good now" -> Your relationship is a year old. It's still early on.

"Things have been good" -> He's checking your phone and accusing you of cheating (either he cheated - again - or he simply doesn't want to move in together and is looking for reasons he can blame you for calling it off. Or both.

I would think about my past relationships and the patterns that led to them ending, and consider... Are you ignoring those same patterns in this relationship, too?