sweet dreams, hc @heottokes - Tumblr Blog

𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐲 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐞𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠.

“i’ll love you the way you deserved to be loved.” to my dear changkyun, you were my first friend, my first love, and now my first goodbye. these are my letters to you.

word count: 16k

꒰ m.list ➭ before ꒱

Since I’ve said my peace, I can finally walk down this aisle and promise myself a new beginning; a new fate; a new life without you. I’m finally moving on. So, tell me, why after all these years am I seeing your face again?

───────── ☾ • ☽ ──────────

Falling in love with your best friend and writing handwritten letters made you feel like your life is a cliché B-rated rom-com movie. You had been writing your letters to Changkyun for the past couple of months. Every now and then you would dedicate your time to release your feelings on pen and paper. It was exhausting to say the least. First, you had to articulate your feelings into words besides pterodactyl screams, ugly crying and cuss words. Second, your hand needed to function long enough to get everything out in one go – which doesn’t happen, so you’ve resorted on taking notes on your phone and then transferring them on paper when you get the chance. And lastly, you had to keep this a secret from your nosy roommate who had free access to visit your room at any time. You managed to survive and here you were, the letters neatly sealed in an envelope with no address to send it to. Maybe you didn’t think this through. Maybe it was for the best that you didn’t know. You didn’t write these letters for a response or answers. He doesn’t need to know how you feel. You just wanted closure. You just wanted a proper goodbye. Besides, you had no idea where Changkyun was much less where he lived.

As you held the letters in your hands, Jooheon messaged you. You almost shiver at the timing. Jooheon never brought Changkyun up since he held you for days that summer but if anyone were to be in contact with Changkyun, it would be him. Oh well, it couldn’t hurt to ask. You sent Jooheon a text asking him to come over.

You opened your first letter to read over again. Although he brought you a great amount of pain, you can’t help but smile as you reminisced. It was bittersweet. The memories you had with Changkyun were only good ones; the fact that he became a memory wasn’t. You were deep in your thoughts you didn’t hear Jaebum’s knock until you saw your door crack open. In a hurry, you scramble to hide your letters. You spread your arms across the papers to cover as many words as possible you can from Jaebum. He raises his eyebrow at you. “Bad timing?” His eyes calculating your form.

“No!” Not suspicious at all. “I mean, no – what’s up?” He glances at the papers on your desk. You stand up stuffing the papers in their envelopes as quickly as you can. You put the envelopes in the filing tray by your desk facing down – a detail you hope Jaebum doesn’t recognise. “I was just cleaning up.” You give him a smile. “What’s up?”

“I was just letting you know I was heading out.” Jaebum gave you a meaningful look – one, you both made to let the other know that you were not coming home tonight. You nodded not one bit phased and started tidying up your desk. Jaebum doesn’t say a word and closes your door once again. You sigh in relief and fix up the letters in the envelope.

Half an hour later you hear Jaebum get the door as you get up from the couch to make room for Jooheon. The two exchange pleasantries. “I brought Chinese.” Jooheon showed off once he saw you. “It’s only for two though, sorry Jae.” Jooheon says over his shoulder.

“All good. I was about to head out anyway.” Jaebum shrugs as he puts his leather jacket on. “Don’t wait up.” He says to you, and you mumble a ‘see you’ not even looking his way as you sit back down on the couch to watch your current favourite series.

Jooheon watches the two of you until Jaebum closes the door behind him. You tore your eyes away from the TV at the sound of Jooheon’s sigh. “I don’t know how you can have such a relationship with him.”

You smile as he joins you on the couch and you open the container. “Not my fault you’re too possessive to share Honey.” You teased him with a wink.

“Call me old-fashioned or a prude but a casual open relationship is not my style.” Jooheon turns his nose up at the idea.

You poke his dimple making him smile which made his dimple deeper. “I don’t think you’re either. You’re just a romantic. It’s good, there’s few out there nowadays. Too many scarred and broken to want to love like that anymore.” You said without any real meaning behind your words. It was just an observation of how society became.

Jooheon wasn’t as observant as Jaebum or Changkyun but that doesn’t change the fact that Jooheon knows you very well. He is your oldest friend after all. He understands there could be a meaning behind your words, and he didn’t like it one bit. “You’re not too scarred or broken to love, y/n.”

You give him a light smile brushing off the idea. “I wasn’t talking about me, Honey.” He frowns not believing you but lets the subject go anyway.

━━━☆

It had been a couple of hours since Jooheon came over when you decided to rip the band-aid off. You two had an old drama that was popular when you were younger playing in the background while you two talk. The opening song for the next episode started to play when you decided to ask, “Have you kept in contact with Changkyun?”

Jooheon’s eyes bulge out of its sockets at your question. If he was drinking water, he would have choked on it. You would have laughed if it wasn’t for the weight on your chest from the question. Jooheon stopped gaping at your sudden question trying to regain composure. He clears his throat. “Yeah, I have.” He answers in a whisper almost like he was ashamed to tell you.

You didn’t know why you wanted to cry. You didn’t feel betrayed by Jooheon – Changkyun was his friend as much as he was yours. Maybe even more of his friend than yours. He has every right to continue to be friends with him. But you had mixed feelings and a lot more questions now. “Can you do me a favour? Can you send him something for me? I’ll pay for postage.”

“Y/n,” You can hear the disapproval and sadness in his voice.

“I don’t want to talk to him. I’m not ready for that just yet. I don’t know if I’ll ever be, but I need to do this for me.” For the second time of the night, Jooheon shuts his mouth knowing there was no point in convincing you otherwise. If this was what you needed to heal and he could help with that, then that’s what he’ll do. He wraps his arm around you as you both turn your attention to the TV, but you couldn’t focus on anything else after that.

───────── ☾ • ☽ ──────────

TEN MONTHS LATER.

Today was the day. You had no idea the day would come so soon but it has, and you are excited for it. It has been a long time coming. You can see everyone waiting in their seats for the bride to walk in. “Are you nervous?” Jooheon whispers to you.

“No, there’s nothing to be nervous about.” You reassure yourself and him. He smiles giving your hand a squeeze before walking down the aisle with his paired bridesmaid. You let out a heavy breath to steel your nerves as you wait for your turn.

When did time move so fast? You swore you could still remember the feeling of the steel benches you had to sit on in your high school cafeteria. You can still remember the faint ringing of team spirit for the football team when you close your eyes. You can still remember the sound of the clock ticking a little too loudly when the class was boring and dragging for way too long. But that time has long past, that is made apparent by this new milestone. You started walking down the aisle feeling nostalgic. Your eyes meet familiar faces, and you share a smile. Everyone is sharing the same warmth and glee as you. It was a day filled with happiness. You look ahead to finally see the groom in question. He is someone you treasured and adored for years. He is the person that deserves this love and happiness the most. He should be the happiest one standing at the altar at this moment. So why is he looking at you with what looks like apprehension? Is he worried about you? There wasn’t any reason to worry anymore. Since you said your peace and had your closure, you can finally walk down this aisle and promise yourself a new beginning; a new fate; a new life without him. You felt elated at your new resolution. You held your head high as you reached the end of the altar. You stand in your place facing the guests. You were finally moving on.

So, why is it after all these years are you seeing his face when you search the crowd? Why when you're finally moving on, is he right in front you making all your emotions flood right back? You felt your throat close as your eyes landed on the second row at the groom’s side. There was no mistaking it; you knew those deep watchful eyes from anywhere. Changkyun was right before your eyes after all these years, and he was looking straight at you. Your heart felt heavy with pain at his presence, but you feel butterflies in your stomach from his stare. This was not supposed to happen. Today marked your fresh start. Why was he here? Is that why Hoseok is looking at you like that? Someone’s head overshadows Changkyun breaking your eye contact. It was Chansoo trying to get your attention waving at you and smiling widely. You found yourself giving him a small smile and wave to not distract the rest of the guests. You watch Chansoo beam and whisper to Changkyun who didn’t tear his gaze away from you. It seemed to all fall in place. It wasn’t that surprising if Hoseok had invited Chansoo to his wedding given the two were classmates and close friends in high school but that didn’t explain why Changkyun was with him. You turn your attention to Hoseok who was watching you the entire time. You watch him mouthed an ‘I’m sorry’ while he sported his infamous puppy-dog eyes. You give a smile to ease him. Today wasn’t about you or Changkyun, you needed to remind yourself and Hoseok of that fact.

━━━☆

As happy as you are for Hoseok, you couldn’t focus on the ceremony at all. How could you when Changkyun is only a couple of feet away? You were stiff the entire time. You had to strain yourself to focus on the couple in front of you because you knew you would start crying if you were to look at him one more time. Changkyun, however, was the opposite. He couldn’t keep his eyes off you. He was taking notice of what had changed since he last saw you. It was the first time he had seen you with coloured hair – he thinks it suits you. You looked more mature, which made sense, but you had a different air around you which he couldn’t quite put his finger on. As he watched you walk down the aisle so confidently, he had the wind knock out of him. A flood of emotions went through him; regret that he couldn’t watch you become the woman you are now, melancholy as he is reminded of the memories he shared with you, and trepidation at the thought of what he would say to you and what you would say to him.

“I, now, pronounce you, husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.” The infamous line breaks you out of your daze just as Hoseok kisses his wife. You joined everyone in cheering for the two – finally feeling a sense of happiness since you’ve seen Changkyun. You dare to look at him as the couple walk down the aisle to see he’s still looking at you. You didn’t know what to do. You couldn’t even find it in you to give him a small smile and he couldn’t either. It was painfully awkward. Luckily, it wasn't long until it was your turn to walk down the aisle.

Jooheon meets you in the middle of the aisle confusing your partners, but he links arms with you without hesitating. “You saw him, right?” Jooheon whispers as you pass the man in question.

His eyes never leaves your form as you continue to look ahead. “How could I not?” You answered with gritted teeth. “Did he receive my letters?”

Jooheon nodded which made you swear under your breath. “Didn’t you want him to read it?”

“Of course, but that’s because I thought I would never see him again in my life.” You sigh as you wait in the lobby for the photographer to call you back to take photos.

“Isn’t this good though? You guys can talk about what happened.”

You turn towards Jooheon to make sure no one can hear your conversation. “I’m not interested in talking about what happened Honey. I just wanted to say everything I didn’t get to say and be done with it.”

Jooheon’s eyebrows furrows in confusion. He understood where you were coming from, but he couldn’t help but think you were being selfish. “How is that fair on Changkyun, y/n?”

“How was it fair on me, Jooheon?!” You snapped before you could stop yourself. The people close to you look your way. You turn to Jooheon in a quieter voice. “Let’s just drop it. Just not today, okay?”

“You always want to drop it, y/n. Not today, not ever.” Jooheon rolls his eyes finally letting out the truth.

You frowned. “It’s Seokie’s wedding Jooheon. There’s a time and a place.”

“Really? Because in these past five years there didn’t seem to be such a thing?” You are shocked at Jooheon’s sudden frustration about the subject. During the past years, he had done nothing but avoid the topic. Clearly it wasn’t because that’s what he thought was the best but because he knew he couldn’t talk to you about it. “You’re not the only one that had a lot to say, y/n.” Jooheon says.

You gritted your teeth. “He was the one that left without a word. Not me.” Before Jooheon could argue further the photographer called the wedding party up.

Of course, the photographer wanted a photo of Hoseok and the bride with their high school classmates. You cling to Hyungwon and Jooheon to protect either side. You notice Changkyun stands a couple of meters behind you with Chansoo and Hyunwoo. “Can we have the tall one switch with you?” The photographer points to Hyungwon and someone from behind. Hyungwon gives you a smile before switching with the said person. You let Hyungwon go and look over at who he was switching with. Your heart stops as you watch Changkyun make his way over to you. He had changed a lot. He looked thinner but he was still as fit as ever. His jawline was as prominent as his nose and his shoulders looked broader than you remember – if that was possible. For once, he didn’t meet your eyes as he walked over to you, watching his step to make sure he doesn’t step on anyone’s dress or shoes and that gave you the confidence to stare at him. You couldn’t really see him all the way from the altar. He had pierced his ears and long dark hair that framed his forehead. You hated just how good he looked without you. Jooheon and the rest of the student council watched the two of you. You turn to look ahead once Changkyun reached you. “Perfect!” The photographer says giving everyone a ‘thumbs up’. Your body heated up at the feeling of his arm brushing against your shoulder. It was sheer torture. It was the longest three minutes of your life. Thankfully, the photographer requested everyone who wasn’t a part of the wedding party to step down, which made sure there wasn’t any room for either of you to say anything.

━━━☆

Due to the photographer being so efficient, the photoshoot was no nonsense and very professional. You couldn’t even have the time to pick up where you and Jooheon had left off because right when the photoshoot ended you were being swept away to head to the reception. It looked like the world wasn’t entirely against you since you weren’t “coincidentally” made to sit at the same table as Changkyun like in the movies. You sat with the newlyweds along with their parents and the rest of the wedding part. You momentarily forgot about your predicament while listening to everyone’s heartfelt speeches. You laughed and held back your tears. It was a truly magnificent experience – one you really wanted for yourself someday.

“Y/n! I’m so sorry I had no idea that Chansoo would have brought him as his plus one.” Hoseok apologises the second he could. After the events finished, the bride and groom started making their rounds of greeting and thanking their guests.

You smiled at the wonderful man. Even at his own wedding, he still looks after everyone else. “Seokie, don’t worry about it. It’s your wedding, act like it.” You lectured lovingly.

He kisses your hand in appreciation. “You’re the best.”

“I know,” You chuckle and send him away to his lovely bride to continue greeting their guests. Jooheon had left your side to socialise with his coworkers – as if he doesn’t see them daily. He was clearly avoiding you which made you roll your eyes.

“It’s been a while, little one.” A warm familiar voice catches your attention. You turn towards the voice to see Chansoo hovering over you with a smile.

You stood up to greet your childhood friend. “Chansoo, it’s so good to see you.” You both hugged each other naturally. “You haven’t changed one bit.” You laughed taking in his appearance.

“Wish I can say the same about you. You’re not so little anymore.” He replies getting his hand swatted away when he tried to rub your head like he used to. He laughs seeing that you haven’t forgotten his little habit towards you. “Do you wanna dance?” He asks extending his hand out for you. You give him a smile despite the ominous feeling in the pit of your stomach. You took his hand and let him lead you to the dance floor. Your eyes tried searching the room for any sign of Changkyun, but you couldn’t find him. It was the first time that night you looked for him. “What have you been up to?” He asks as he places his free hand on your waist.

“The usual; managed to graduate for my bachelor's and I’m a fashion designer now. What about you?”

“Fashion designer? Who would have thought?” You smile in agreement. “After my service, I decided to become a policeman. I finished my training two years ago.”

He spun you around making you laugh. “That’s really good.”

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Chansoo asks as he pulls you to his chest.

“Not really,”

“Not really?” He repeats amused raising an eyebrow at your answer.

Before you could explain you hear someone clear their throat from behind you. You both turn to the interrupter, and your knees went weak. “Can I cut in?” No.

“Be my guest,” Chansoo answers for you. No. You wanted to scream. “I hope to see you more from now on, y/n. I’ve missed you.” Chansoo gives you a kiss on the cheek before handing you over to his brother.

He transfers your hand to Changkyun’s not giving you time to run away or refuse. Your hand tingles at the feeling of his calloused hand on yours. You felt like you had been frozen in time unable to function. The feeling of his hand on your waist was a different feeling compared to Chansoo’s; it ignited a fire inside you that you didn’t want to exist. You placed your hand on his firm shoulder and began to follow his movements. “It’s been a while.” You flinched from his touch upon hearing his voice. You stepped back and stared at his face; the two of you no longer dancing. It's been a while? That's all you have to say after all these years? Tears filled your eyes just as quickly as he appeared back in your life. You ran out of the room not wanting him or anyone see you cry. You ran into the garden sobbing. “Y/n,” He called after you. Just like old times, always chasing after you when you were upset. The thought felt bittersweet. He pulled you into his chest and cradled your head. “I’m sorry,” He whispers into your hair making you choke. “I shouldn’t have come; I knew I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry, I’ll leave.” You squeezed your eyes feeling a sense of déjà vu. You couldn’t believe that the boy who only brought you happiness and love now only caused you pain and heartbreak. “I just needed to let you know; I love you, I always have, I always will. I’m so sorry.” You were processing his confession when he kisses your forehead and lets you go for the second time. You felt numb as he placed an envelope into your hand and turned to leave. You watched his figure walk away from your vision before dropping on the stone bench next to you. Your mind reeling, and you were sure your makeup was just as much of a mess as your heart was. You turn your attention to the envelope in your hand. It was the same envelope you had used to send your letters, but it had been worn out from the travel across countries, and it was thicker than you remembered. You pull out the letters you had written to see he had written ones himself. You gasp and start sobbing once again. Why did it turn out like this? It wasn't meant to be like this. Not when it came to him. You cried as you began reading his letters.

━━━☆

Y/n, the first thing I wanted to say after all these years is, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for leaving, I’m sorry for the pain I have caused you, and most of all I’m sorry for not being strong enough. In truth, I’m not the amazing person you wrote about in your letters. In truth, I’m cynical and judgmental, I’m selfish and harsh. In truth, I never believed that I deserved to be in your life. I know you have several questions and I know that’s because I never chose to share my feelings or thoughts with you.

I never seem to do anything right when it came to you. When I first met you, I feared you. You were something so bright and innocent unlike myself who was so shy and gloomy, so I hurt your feelings and pushed you away. But after the first day we met, and I saw how upset you were by my words, I didn’t want to see you upset ever again. You were something foreign to me – kind of like an alien. For days, I watched you play by yourself talking to the sky and smiling as if it said something back. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I knew you were different than the rest. When my parents told me, your parents were rarely home I felt the need to protect you just like I protected the idea of dinosaurs existing. As I got to know you, I found you fascinating. You were so fierce yet so pure. You were something so unknown to me, and I wanted to figure you out.

I liked you from the start. At first, I excused it as brotherly-affection and the need to protect you. But I knew it was more when my blood boiled, and I saw red when I found out about the people who were bullying you. You had no idea how much I had to restrain myself from not beating them up from where they stood but I knew it might change the way you thought of me. You might become scared of me and that was the last thing I wanted. I did as much as I could without you knowing. I didn’t know what I would do if something were to happen to you.

I knew it was more when I felt a tinge of jealousy when you liked Jooheon. I thought, what was so great about him and not me? I was confused when that thought crossed my mind when I noticed your infatuation. I didn't understand why I cared so much to the point I resented Jooheon for a while. Everything I liked about him as a friend, I suddenly couldn't stand. I would compare myself against him and wonder what he did to make you look at him like that? I knew it was more when I felt relief when you didn’t like him anymore. Everything with Jooheon went back to normal once you got over your crush on him. I didn't overthink everything I did in contrast to him. I didn't tense at every single interaction you had with him anymore. Even though I didn’t understand why I felt that way, all I knew was that it was because of you. It's always you.

It doesn’t excuse the pain I have put you through. But I thought you should know why I left without a word or warning. I was in love with you, y/n. I was head over heels in love with you. I would have done anything for you. I took care of you and loved you with my whole heart. And no, I did not expect anything back in return nor did I want anything back. I was completely satisfied being your best friend for the rest of my life. I swear on my life, everything I did for you was from my heart with nothing but pure intentions. I was content with being able to be in your life. All I wanted was to be there for you and make sure you were okay. I didn't love you because I wanted you to reciprocate my feelings, I loved you because of who you are, because of everything that you are.

When I accepted my place in your life, I knew that meant I would have to see you love and be loved by someone else. When Hoseok came to the picture, I could see it happening. I watched as you fell for him just like I had fallen for you. It was painful to know that you would never look at me with a light in your eyes like I hung the stars up in the sky for you. But I promised myself I would be okay with it, I told myself I was willing to go through that pain and I held on for so long. I swear to you I was going to stick by you with everything I have. I swear I was going to.

But then I did something stupid. For once, I let myself be selfish with you and it ruined my resolution. When I watched your heartbreak when you saw him kiss another girl, I felt like I was staring at my own reflection. It was like I was watching myself cry over you while you love someone else. I was filled with a lot of emotions; anger that someone made you feel heartbroken and sadness that you couldn’t spare me a look. With all the chaos that was going on in my head, I opened pandora’s box by kissing you. That kiss ruined me. It gave me a glimpse of what could have been. How can I stand by your side as your friend when I know how you taste? How can I be your best friend when all I wanted was to make you mine? It's insincere. I can't look you in the eyes and lie to you. I tried, trust me y/n, I really tried. Fuck, I was even your “friend”-date for prom, y/n. I held you in my arms multiple times, but you were never mine to hold. This doesn’t excuse a thing and it was selfish on my part I know that. But I couldn’t handle the idea of not being able to love you with all of me. I couldn’t handle the idea of someone else loving you in my place. I wanted to be that person for you. I wanted to be your person.

I watched you become an independent and strong woman and it made me fall in love with you even more. You were always the strong one between us, y/n. I watched as you became someone that didn’t need me in your life – maybe you didn’t need me in the first place, but I fooled myself to believe that you did. Because I watched you grow into the person you are, I thought you would be better off without me. I felt guilty to be by your side while thinking of you in ways you never thought of me. I began to doubt our friendship. Were we only friends because I was in love with you? Was everything I had done for you was because I wanted you to look at me as a man? I didn’t know what to believe anymore. But I felt like I was taking advantage of your friendship. Everything you had done for me came from pure intentions, out of the goodness of your heart. At the beginning, when I didn’t realise my feelings for you, I can guarantee it was the same for me. But when I realised how I felt, how can I say for sure? The lines blurred. I didn’t know what was what anymore.

I wanted to distance myself from you, y/n. Even though you had moved on from Hoseok just like you did with Jooheon, I knew there was just going to be another one. I knew that I would never be the one for you. I was really frustrated at the time. I wished I could go back to the days where I thought nothing more about the way my stomach fluttered when you took my hand in yours or the way my heart swelled in pride and adoration when you fell asleep next to me. I really wished I had never figured out the way I felt about you because once I knew, I knew I wouldn’t be able to be in your life anymore. The idea of never being able to have you haunted me for years. The feeling of your warmth suffocated me at night and our first kiss consumed all my senses.

That was the reason why I left. It doesn’t excuse a single thing, but I wanted to give you, my reason. There wasn’t a day that went by where I don’t think about your face that day – your heartbroken expression, the trembling in your voice when you begged me to stay, and the feeling of what could have been promised by your kiss. I wanted to give you the world, y/n – as a friend and as someone who loved you. Regretfully, I failed to keep the promises I made to you and myself. I promised myself to never hurt you, but I ended up hurting you the most. I promised myself to take care of you like no other, but I ended up pushing you away. I promised myself not to ruin our friendship, but I did. I am so sorry for the way everything turned out between us. I am the only one to blame. I am sorry for being a coward. I am sorry for not being able to love you in this life. If you still mean what you said, I hope to meet you in another life as well and I promise, I will love you with no reservation, with no fear, and with all of me. You will always be my person, y/n.

━━━☆

Changkyun walked to the reception to grab his things and leave. He congratulates Hoseok on the way before making his way to the exit. “Kyun!” He hears Jooheon call for him. “Where are you going? Did you talk to y/n?” Jooheon asks once he reached him.

“Yeah,” He answered somberly. “You were wrong Joo; it was a mistake coming here.” He watched his friend’s expression fall. “I should go.” Jooheon watches Changkyun leave to hail a cab before going to find you.

Changkyun gets in the backseat of the cab with a sigh. He presses his head on the side of the window as he recalls your face. He squeezed his eyes as your pained expression lingers in his head. He can’t ever do anything right. Why did he think it was going to be a good idea? You weren’t living in a fairytale. There is no happy ending. He ruined any chances of that a long time ago. It was naïve to believe there was any hope. He didn't deserve it; he didn't deserve you. Changkyun sinks himself further into the seat as he reminisces about the simpler days.

───────── ☾ • ☽ ──────────

“Pwetty pwease.” You begged executing the most puppy dog of eyes you could. Changkyun watched your expression in amusement, half wanting to make fun of you and the other half wanting to give in. “It’ll be fun, I promise!” You bargained with an empty promise.

It didn’t fool him at all. “What will I get if it’s no fun though?”

“Whatever you want!” You exclaimed desperate to get Changkyun to play pretend with you. Your answer made Changkyun smile and finally accept your request. He always puts up a fight whenever you asked him to play pretend, but he always ends up agreeing. “Yay! Okay let’s play a wedding game!”

Changkyun nearly choked on air at your suggestion. “What? Why would we play something like that?!”

It was your turn to be amused. “Why not? You’re not scared of cooties, are you?”

“Cooties are for babies.” He rolls his eyes.

“Great, let’s get ready for our wedding then.” You say before running off to grab your props. Changkyun stands there stunned and flushed. He already regrets agreeing to play pretend with you. He watched as you pull your grandmother towards Changkyun’s direction. “She will be the person that says the things. I don’t know what they’re called.”

“A wedding officiant.” Your grandmother advised you, but you didn’t care as you ran back into the house. “Are you excited to marry my granddaughter, Kyun?” Changkyun groans in embarrassment at your grandmother’s teasing.

“Chansoo! Just do it, for once.” You pulled Chansoo into the backyard with you. If Changkyun was embarrassed by your grandmother being a witness to this play pretend, he wanted to die now that Chansoo is involved.

Chansoo sees Changkyun’s expression and smirks. “It would be my pleasure to walk you down the aisle, y/n.” Yeah, he is never going to hear the end of this.

Your grandmother announces the bride’s arrival. Changkyun watches you walk with Chansoo towards him. Despite him dreading this, he found himself giving you a shy smile when you beamed at him. The “wedding” itself was boring in his opinion. Your grandmother was talking about how weddings work, and he didn’t really pay attention to that. Why would he anyway? “Now for the vows,”

‘Vows? What are vows?’ Changkyun thought. Luckily you decided to go first taking the lead as usual. “I promise that you will always be my number one person and that you can always count on me!” You promised to Changkyun making him smile.

You and your grandmother look at Changkyun for his turn. “Do I make a promise now?” You nod your head excitedly. “I promise that I will be your protector from anything and that you can always count on me too.”

“You can’t copy my promise, Kyun!” You pouted.

“I don’t know what else to promise.” Changkyun shrugs.

“That’s fine, Changkyun. I, now, pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.” Your grandmother continues with the ceremony.

Changkyun refuses with indignation making you roll your eyes. “I knew it, you’re scared of cooties.”

“I am not!” He shouts.

“Then kiss me!” You were only teasing him. It was fun to make the stoic “mature” boy flustered. He began to sputter excuses making you laugh. “Fine, fine. Let’s just pinky promise to seal our promises.” Changkyun agrees and you lock pinkies. You close your eyes and smile. “I promise our friendship will never go extinct like the dinosaurs!”

Changkyun smiles at that and closes his eyes in turn. “I promise I’ll never leave your side.” That was the first promise you had made to each other, and you both intended to keep your promises. But that’s not how life goes, and promises are made to be broken.

━━━☆

“Stop staring at your girlfriend and concentrate!” His club mate scolded him since he was watching you walk away from dropping him off his clubroom.

“She’s not my girlfriend.” He grumbles in discontent but looks away, so he doesn’t get in trouble.

She rolls her eyes and smirks. “Yeah right, none of my friends would drop me off every single day at my club whether they’re a girl or boy. If you two aren’t together, you must like each other.”

“You must have shitty friends then.” Changkyun retorts earning a shove from her. He was used to this banter. Ever since you two were in kindergarten, your friends would find it weird how close the two of you were. Both of your families found it endearing so you never really cared. Chansoo gives Changkyun a hard time every now and then by teasing him about you and your “marriage”, but it never really phased him. If anything, the only reason why it annoyed Changkyun was he didn’t understand why there was a need to romanticise your relationship.

Because of your closeness, he knew you like the back of his hand. So, when you came into class the next morning sporting a plain band-aid on your knee, alarm bells went off in his head. You told him everything but instead of heading his way to tell him your “embarrassing” story of how you hurt yourself, you gave him a wave before sitting on your seat. “Trouble in paradise?” One of your classmates teased Changkyun making him roll his eyes.

You were unusually quiet for the rest of the day. Changkyun doesn’t know why he doesn’t just ask but he never had to before. You would always tell him anything and everything with no reservation. You were an open book, at least with him. Whatever was bothering you must have been something serious so he shouldn’t pry. You would tell him if you wanted him to know. That’s what he told himself but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t try to make you feel better. “What’s this for?” You asked Changkyun as he hands you an unopened orange juice box after you drop him off to his club.

Changkyun’s heart felt lighter at your smile. “Compensation for dropping me off all the time.”

You laughed for the first time today. “No need, I’m more than happy to drop you off. It’s our time together after all.” That was the last thing you said before you stopped dropping him off at his club.

You gave him excuses upon excuses as to why you had to leave school as soon as possible but he saw right through it. He knew something was up when he ran into your grandmother on his way home dressed to the nines when she was supposed to be “bed-ridden with the cold” as you said. Changkyun had devised a plan to get you to spill your guts but that failed when you decided to lie once again but this time it was about your grades. You were failing Mathematics? He knows you average eighty-five at least. “You guys go ahead. I’ll wait for y/n.” Changkyun tells your friends as they reached the school gate. They didn’t even question it. They left him fake kissing each other before Eunkyung hit the back of their heads to knock it off. Changkyun chuckles and waits till they’re out of his vision before he retraces your steps.

He was rounding a corner when he saw your figure being crowded by a few familiar faces. He hid behind the wall out of instinct. “Didn’t your mother teach you some manners and say please?” He hears a girl crudely speak to you.

He was about to intervene when he heard your voice. “Didn’t yours?” It was the first time he ever heard you speak like that. As he continued to listen, he learns that they were giving you a hard time because of him. His eyebrows furrow in confusion. Is that why you didn’t tell him? Because he’s the reason why you’re going through hardship?

Changkyun hears footsteps fading away before he hears your voice. You were on the verge of tears and at moments like this, Changkyun was always there for you. He wants to be there for you, but he can’t. “Stop being pathetic, y/n. Changkyun can’t be there for you every single time.” He hears you scold yourself. “Grow up.” You said to yourself bitterly. You were right and you both knew it. So, Changkyun didn’t help you for the very first time in your friendship.

Changkyun noticed you wore your old school shoes the next day. He didn’t see what happened yesterday, but he assumed it had something to do with that. You had been wearing it for a week without any complaint. Whenever anyone brought it up you brushed it off with a lie. “Hey, Eunkyung.” Changkyun greets your mutual friend. “Give this to y/n, say it was yours.” He hands her second-hand school shoes. It was used but it was still in good condition.

Eunkyung looks at him confused. “First of all, where did you get this? And second, you give it to her.”

“I bought it from the shop, and she’ll find it weird if I give her girl shoes.” Changkyun shrugs.

Eunkyung looks at him with a smirk. “And they say romance is dead. Did you spend your allowance on these just because she’s been wearing her old shoes?” Changkyun mumbles a ‘yes’ avoiding her eyes. “It’s not that romantic if she thinks it’s from me. She won’t fall in love with you if she doesn’t know about the things you do for her.”

“Shut up and give it to her.” That made Eunkyung laugh and accept his request.

It was eating him alive watching you go through this. He didn’t know whether what he was doing was right or wrong. It started getting worse. Changkyun walked into school to see you sitting in front of an old desk filled with graffiti. You didn’t even look at him. Do you hate him now? Are you blaming him for this? Your eyes never left the front of the classroom for the entire morning. After the first period ended, he chased after your homeroom teacher in the hallway. “I need a new desk.” He pants as he enters the teacher’s lounge.

“Hello to you too, Changkyun.” Your homeroom teacher greets him. “There’s nothing wrong with your desk. Y/n’s desk on the other hand.”

“Are you going to fix it?” Changkyun cuts him off by stepping in front of him.

He looks at him with a smile. “Of course, I’ll have it fixed by lunch.”

“If you’re busy I can look for one.”

Mr. Lee raises his hand to stop his student. “It’s okay, I’ll take care of it. If this happens again though, I’d have to get y/n’s parents involved.” Mr. Lee watches Changkyun scrunch his face in confusion making him chuckle. “If y/n is getting bullied then her parents should know so we can take the necessary steps.”

“And what would that be?”

“Well, it depends on the parents. They might want to confront the kids and if so, they might get suspended but that could make matters worse, or they might want to transfer schools.” Changkyun’s stomach dropped. At his expression, Mr. Lee reassures. “Don’t worry, I’m sure everything will be okay. Y/n’s a good kid.” Changkyun nods agreeing before bidding him goodbye.

Like Mr. Lee had promised, your desk had been replaced. Changkyun watches your face relax for the first time that day. He didn’t know what to do. Should he step forward and admit that you were getting bullied and risk the chance of you moving away or does he continue what he’s doing and try as best as he can to minimise the damage? He sighs resting his head on his desk.

Changkyun decides to be your guardian angel as best as he can. He was the one that placed your gym shoes back after they had been stolen and hung up to mock you. He started sneaking in extra snacks once he noticed your lunch was getting stolen. It was all worth it if it meant that he made your days a little less crappy. He still questioned everyday if he should confront you or go behind your back and put an end to it, but he didn’t want to upset you any further. He contemplates what he should do usually at the break of dawn as he walks to school. The streets were quiet. He had overheard your bullies talk about doing something to your desk after school, so he decided to go to school early to assess the damage. He ate a granola bar on the way not wanting to have breakfast at home and wake his parents up. He entered the classroom and head straight towards your desk. It was stained with juice. He sighed before making his way to the janitor’s closet. He started scrubbing the desk as best as he could. If all else fails, then he’ll swap your desk with his and clean it throughout the day. This went on for a week or two before you caught him. He had woken up later than he was supposed to, so he was frantically trying to get everything cleaned when you came in. You ran into his arms and broke into tears. That’s when he knew he had made the wrong decision. He shouldn’t have kept his mouth shut. He shouldn’t have been satisfied with helping you in the background. He shouldn’t have been selfish or a coward. He’ll take care of you as he promised.

“Hyung, I need your help.” Changkyun begs as he enters his brother’s room.

Chansoo was laying on his bed tossing a football up in the air when he came in. “What do you want?”

“Y/n’s being bullied, and I don’t know how to deal with them.”

Chansoo sits up properly taking the subject seriously. “And why are you asking me of all people?”

“Well, you’re my biggest bully so who’s better to deal with a bully than someone who is one themselves.” Changkyun retorts sarcastically.

His answer doesn’t please his brother as he goes back to lie down again. “Alright, you’re on your own.”

“I’ll do whatever you want.” Changkyun negotiates.

Chansoo raises an eyebrow interested. “Really? Even join the football team with me?” Changkyun groans. He’s hated football since he was young when Chansoo constantly threw the ball at his face. It was also unnecessarily tiring. Why would anyone enjoy something that drains them? He doesn’t like sports; he hates any form of exercise, and he wouldn’t ever be caught dead engaging in any form whatsoever, but this was you they were talking about.

“Fine,” Chansoo beams. “What are you going to do?”

Chansoo gets up and ruffles his little brother’s hair. “Don’t you worry your dumb little head bro. Just worry about getting the girl.”

━━━☆

“Ayo, I’m Joohoney onehunnid.” The new kid introduces himself, making the entire class laugh. Changkyun smirks amused while your face scrunches up in annoyance. “I’m kidding, I’m Jooheon. Nice to meet you.” He goes to his seat greeting his fellow classmates with confidence.

As he passes the two of you, he meets your gaze and salutes you. You scoff finding him obnoxious. “I already hate him.” You whisper to Changkyun.

“He seems fun. Do you hate fun, y/n?” Changkyun teases.

“Yeah, that’s why I’m friends with you.” You stuck your tongue out at him.

Jooheon became a hit in your year. Whether or not you like him, you knew him – was a common line whenever Jooheon was brought up and it was true. Most of the girls shared the same opinion as you and steered clear of him but the boys loved him. They found him funny and cool. Unfortunately for you, Changkyun was one of those people. As time went on, Jooheon had become the closest person to him – excluding you, of course. It was nice for him to finally have a close male friend that wasn’t older than him or related to him. However, due to their closeness, Jooheon was constantly in his ears about you.

“Yo, tell your girlfriend to stop glaring at me whenever I open my mouth.” Jooheon nudges Changkyun as they look your way. Sure enough, you were glaring at him, but your eyes softened when they shifted to Changkyun.

“Don’t say something that’ll make her glare at you then.” Changkyun chuckles giving you a dimpled smile. “And I already told you, she’s not girlfriend.”

Jooheon looks at Changkyun like he had just told him his cat died. “Bro, when I say ‘hi’ she just gives me that look.” Changkyun chuckles knowing it’s true. “And I guess she’s more like your crush then since you two aren’t officially together – you guys might as well be though.”

He has heard this so many times, if he had a penny for every single time he heard it, he would be rich. But when there’s smoke there must be fire, right? He’s not oblivious. He noticed that you two are closer than normal friends. He knows that you both would go the extra mile for each other and treat the other like no other. But you've known each other since you were little and at this point you are like family to each other and that explains your closeness. That’s what you always told people so what would compel Changkyun to entertain the idea, in the first place? Changkyun never really thought about you in any other way but he understands where everyone is coming from; he can see where they’re coming from.

Even when he did try to test the waters to see what it would be like; you wouldn’t give him anything to go by or he couldn’t bring himself to see you that way. You simply brushed it off like it was nothing because to you it was. Changkyun watches as you don’t even bat an eye at his “confession”. He thinks he could like like you, but you wave it off as nothing clearly showing you don’t entertain the idea. You’re unwavering when he looks you in the eyes and tells you, you're the prettiest girl in the world knowing he genuinely means it, clearly showing that you don’t hold meaning to his words. You being able to look him in the eye and tease him for it clearly shows that to you, it’s not even a possibility. He was fine with that; again, he didn’t see why he had to think of you any other way.

━━━☆

He swears he never thought about you that way. He always thought the world of you; you were a delicate flower growing despite the harsh environments surrounding it. He admired your strength and heart. That was all it was. He swears as he watches you in your peaceful slumber. Your head on his shoulder causing your hair to fall over your face. He lightly brushes it away and you twitch in your sleep. He pauses, his hand hovering over your cheek. You hum and nestle your cheek against his hand prompting them open. A small smile plays on your lips as if you know his touch even in your sleep. He swears he never thought about you that way. But how can he not think about the way you searched for his touch? How can he not think about the way your hand squeezed his searching for his presence? How can he not think about the happiness evident on your face once you find him? How can he stop thinking about you that way once he started? Every single smile, every single touch, every single look was no longer the same for him.

You were the same. The same steadfast spirit he always admired. You looked, smiled, and treated him the same. It was only different for him. He swears he’s okay with that. If you are in his life, as long as he’s in your presence, he’s happy. He’s happy he gets to hear your thoughts, he’s satisfied to hear you laugh at his jokes, he’s complete if he gets to be there for you when you need him. He swears he’s okay with it. Ignoring the ominous feeling in the back of his mind when he saw you kept Hoseok a secret. Ignoring the way his stomach dropped when you finally told him you liked Hoseok. The feeling he had when you liked Jooheon resurfaced but this time he understood why.

“It’s scary liking someone, you know?” You asked rhetorically, Changkyun knew that. He knows you didn’t think he would be capable of knowing. But he does. He knows all too well. The despair of watching someone you like fawn over someone else. The helplessness you feel when the person doesn’t seem to catch the hints you’re giving. The ugliness brewing inside you in jealousy and contempt. He tries to feign disinterest as much as he can.

But sometimes, it was hard to not let jealousy rear its ugly head; especially when he sees you and Hoseok talking dangerously close about a presumptuous topic that could lead to it. He hated himself for it. The look on your face was enough for him to want to run the other way to give you your privacy back. He didn’t like that side of himself. That’s why he stupidly does nothing after you told him you were going to confess your feelings. What could he do? He couldn’t be selfish with you; he had no right. That’s what he told himself. That’s what he promised himself.

All his resolve went out the window upon seeing your heart break. It was like looking at himself in the mirror. He just wanted to take the pain away for the both of you. He had played it safe for all his life and, for once, he took the risk. He leans forward and meets your lips. It was a rollercoaster of emotions. Anger washed through him as he felt your tears fall against his cheeks. He wanted to pull away, realising he had made a terrible mistake. This was not the right time. As he thinks to move away, your hands reach for his collar grasping it tightly as you kiss him back. His heart soared at the feeling of your kiss. His mind filtering through millions of questions at what this could mean for the two of you. His words left him before he could stop and think about the repercussions of what he was saying. “A kiss may just be a kiss, y/n. But your first should be special; it should be with someone who loves you and cares about you. It shouldn’t just be some guy. If it has to be anyone, it should be me.” He finally lets his selfishness get the better of him as he confesses his feelings to you.

━━━☆

He was a fool. The kiss meant nothing. It changed nothing. When you finally parted, you ran off excusing it as “student council duties”. You avoided him for a couple of days, making him regret his greediness. He had ruined your friendship for a moment of what if. Eventually, you couldn’t avoid each other, and it was awkward. You were visibly uncomfortable, and it broke his heart. So, he pretended it was nothing. He forced a joke and you laughed; genuinely laughed. He watches your face brighten and your shoulders relax. That was the day he accepted his fate. If he had known there was no possibility of you two happening, he wouldn’t have kissed you. If this was all he could be for you; a best friend, a jokester, a confidant, a supporter; then that’s all he will be.

Changkyun had to find a new strength, he didn’t know he had. The love he has for you to be pushed to the back of his mind; replaced with being the best friend you deserved. He ignores the flutters in his stomach as you smile up at him. He distances himself when the thoughts of you suffocate him, which was often since you were always on his mind. Everything about you consumed all his senses. The way you light up every room you walked into. The way you softly say his name to catch his attention. The way you touch him; light as a feather as if you didn't want to leave a mark on him. But it did. It left trails of sparks from where you had touch him. So much so, he insists that he can feel the ghost of your touch just by looking at it. Every day was a battle to not cross the line again; to not answer his what ifs; to not risk losing you. The days felt long but once they passed, they blurred into one.

It was your senior year, the final chapter of high school. Changkyun helped you run for president; not that he needed to. You won by a landslide. You had cemented the position even before you started your campaign. Gaining respect, admiration, and popularity throughout the years as treasurer. “What do you think of an ‘under the sea’ theme?” Changkyun scrunches his face causing you to laugh. “Yeah, I thought so too.” You sigh running your hand through your hair. Changkyun watches you unwillingly. A wave of adoration floods through him as he takes in the way your hair fell perfectly to frame your face. How can you look so beautiful even when you're visibly tired? It wasn't fair on anyone.

“Shouldn't the social committee be doing this?” Changkyun points out as he rocks your desk chair back and forth.

“The student council needs to approve it. I'm just going through their ideas.” You show the papers in your hand. You were sitting cross-legged on your bed with a sea of paperwork surrounding you.

“The more important question is, who’s going to be your date for the dance?” Jooheon asks walking into to your room after helping himself to your homemade chocolate chip cookies.

Your attention was back to the paperwork in front of you. “Changkyun and I are obviously going together.” You answer offhandedly.

Changkyun’s emotion betrays him as a look of shock flashes through his normally stoic façade. Jooheon takes notice and chuckles, “Does Changkyun know about that?” You raise your head to look across the room at Changkyun.

Your eyes innocent as you analyse his expression. Embarrassment washed over you as you realise your brazenness. “I'm sorry, I don't know why I just assumed that.” You tuck the loose hair behind your ear. “You must have wanted to ask someone else. Don't worry about what I said.”

Changkyun gets up and takes a cookie from Jooheon’s hand. “Hey!”

He walks up to you and offers you the cookie. “There's no one else I would think about but you.” He looks down at you analysing your expression. The sheepish smile on your face as you take the cookie. Did his words get through to you? Is the idea of going together to a dance mean anything more to you? Or is it just second nature to you? A logical assumption based on previous statistics.

━━━☆

Changkyun shifts from one foot to another. He has been to your house more times than he can count. It was a second home to him. But as he stood by the front door in a suit he’s never worn before, he felt like a stranger. You shared everything with him but in the weeks leading up to the dance, you kept him in the dark. He thought you would take him dress shopping like you normally do but you went with your girl friends instead. Only telling him what coloured dress you got so he could match if he wanted. “Time has flown by so fast.” Your grandmother sighs dreamily. “I still remember when you two were just this tall.” She holds her hand out by her hip. “I still remember the two of hating each other.” Changkyun and your grandmother chuckles fondly at the memory. “But now, you’re thick as thieves; partners in crime.” That was the perfect description of yours and his relationship. Two sides of the same coin. Each other’s confidant and right-hand man. Not the love interest; not even star-crossed lovers. The sound of heels clicking on the hardwood floors cuts the conversation short. You appear at your grandmother’s line of vision first. Her gasp causing Changkyun’s heart to race. She places her hand over her heart and her eyes glossing over with happiness. He clasps his hand in front of himself to ground himself. Your grandmother starts recording through her camcorder when you finally appear in Changkyun’s site.

He inhales sharply like he had the wind knocked out of him. You smile down at him softly. Your eyes bright and sparkling complimented by the makeup you put on. Your hair parted on one side; perfectly framed and flowing. One hand uses the handrail to descend the steps gracefully and the other lifting the front of the dress enough for your matching heels to peek through. You reach him letting go off your dress. “What do you think?” You ask giving him a slow twirl. Changkyun feels his knees buckle. His mind imagining the beautiful midnight blue dress into white. You look at him expectantly; none the wiser of what he truly thinks of you.

“Beautiful,” He breathes. He hears your grandmother chuckle causing his ears to turn red. “You look beautiful.”

You smile widens. “I think you look beautiful too.” It was his turn to chuckle. He rolls his eyes making you reach out and give him a light shove. “I mean it.”

“Let's take a photo before you two head out.” Your grandmother breaks the silence. You move naturally to Changkyun’s side. He instinctively placed a light hand on your back. “Okay, you two, big smiles!” You grinned from ear to ear while he offered a small smile. The flash goes off and your smile relaxes. “One more! Be closer, you guys aren't strangers.” You wrapped your arms around Changkyun waist. His arm around you moved to your shoulder wrapping you in a hug. You nuzzle your head into your chest which breaks his cool nature. His smile growing wider as your giddiness rubs off on him. Feeling his happiness, you look up at him. He takes notices and looks back at you. He sees affection in your eyes. Changkyun won't fool himself to think it’s love in your eyes. You look up at him sentimentally; of adoration; reminiscent of who the kid he used to be. A flash breaks Changkyun out of his thoughts. “Beautiful!” Your grandmother commented looking at the photo. “You two should go or you'll be late.” At her reminder, you pick up your dress and give her a hug. You're already at the door when Changkyun gives her a hug before leaving as well. “Enjoy yourselves, okay?”

He smiles. “I'll get her home safe.” Changkyun opens the door for you and offers his hand to help you out. You take it naturally waving goodbye to your grandmother as he ignores the warmth flooding through him from your touch. He opens the car door for you and helps you in before getting in the driver's seat. “You excited?” He asks turning on the engine.

You hum patting your dress down. You think you look ridiculous. Your dress too big and flashy for a student council president. But your grandmother insisted – this would be your last dance in high school after all. “Yeah, I am. I can't wait to see everyone’s reaction to the auditorium.” He chuckles. Of course, you weren't thinking about yourself. “What about you?”

He ponders for a second before shrugging. “This isn't really my type of thing. But if you're happy, I'm happy.” You smile and reach for his hand to hold. Changkyun’s smile falters as he lifts his hand to grip the steering wheel. He stops himself from looking at you when he sees you keep your hand to yourself and visibly shift away. He clenches his jaw knowing he hurt you. But the alternative hurts too much. He's constantly stuck between a rock and a hard place. If he loses himself in you, it only serves as a painful reminder of what he could never have. If he pulls away and sets a clear line between you, he sees your heart breaking. Your happiness is his happiness. Your pain is his pain. There's no winning. The drive to school was in silence; only the songs on the radio occupying the space. Changkyun gets out of the car and opens the door for you. He offers his hand to help you out, but you don't take it. You give him a tight-lipped smile and avoid his eyes. That's fair. You used the car door to step out.

Once your feet touch the ground, committee members rush to you. “Pres, there's an issue with the audio.” Your smile drops from the bad news.

“You look amazing, by the way!” Another member offers before hurrying you.

You pick up your dress about to leave when you remember Changkyun. “I’m sorry!” He waves you off with a smile. “I’ll see you in there!” Once the gym doors shut, Changkyun sighs. It's going to be a long night; he thinks as he rests his head against his car.

As he was about to get out of his car after parking it in the parking lot, his phone rings. He stops and stares at the unfamiliar number on his screen. “Hello?” He answers hesitantly.

━━━☆

“There you are!” Changkyun flinches at Jooheon showing up at his side out of nowhere. “We’ve been wondering where you are.” He taps on the car window, but Changkyun gets out instead. “We thought you decided you were too cool for this and bailed.”

“We?”

“Y/n,” Changkyun nods numbly as he realises the sun has set. He didn't realise how long it had been since he took that call; too many things he needed to think about to care. “You, okay?” Jooheon grips his shoulder to snap him out of it.

“Yeah,” Changkyun answers dazedly. Jooheon can clearly see he was lying but he knew better than to push. Changkyun is never the type to succumb to peer pressure and will only revert further in his shell when pushed. The two walk back to the auditorium in silence.

As they neared, music thumped against the walls. The dance was informal – the door was open, and some students were outside the building having their own private conversations. Jooheon leaves Changkyun’s side the second they enter the room. Changkyun didn’t mind and made his way to the food and beverage table. He helped himself as he contemplated the offer – as if he hadn’t been doing that the past couple of hours. He feels hands on his waist before he hears your honeyed voice. “There you are!” Changkyun had a sense of déjà vu as he turned around to your playful grin. Your cheeks were flushed, and your hair was messier than when he last saw you. He was relieved his disappearance didn’t ruin your night. But the ugly side of him was disheartened at the same time. “Where were you?”

“My dad called.” He lied knowing you knew his dad was overseas and couldn’t reach out often. You believed him easily. “How much did I miss?”

“Not much, we’ve just been dancing. You came just in time, they’re about to announce the homecoming royals.” Changkyun groans as you take his hand and lead him towards the crowded dance floor. The music soon cuts off as the social committee president appears on the little makeshift stage. Changkyun doesn’t listen to the president harp on until he hears your name. A spotlight shines on your figure effectively casting him in your shadow. He watches your figure as you make your way to the stage. Your beautiful gown sparkling under the light; your smile outshining everything else. His jaw clenches when he sees Rowoon offers his hand; a sash and crown adorned on him. You take it graciously and stand on stage for the social committee members to place a tiara on your head and a bouquet of flowers in your arms.

The host asks Rowoon to say a few words before you. As he steps up to the microphone, squeals echo through the room. “I am so touched you all voted for me; it’s a big honour. I usually wouldn’t be able to accept this but with the very own Council President by my side, I feel relieved.” Changkyun rolls his eyes at the corniness. The two shared a smile before he continued. Were the two of you close? When did that happen?

“Be careful,” Jooheon warns out of nowhere causing Changkyun to flinch. “Don’t let his fans see your distaste.”

“When did they get so close?” Changkyun asks as you make your own speech mentioning Rowoon as well.

“Hm, I don’t know. I guess through her student council duties and since he’s the president of the theater club they talk through there.” Jooheon shrugs. Of course, he wouldn’t pay attention to such details. “I’ve seen them together sometimes; having lunch, running errands, walking around. You were off somewhere else every time, so I didn’t get to ask you about it.” Oh. That’s right. Changkyun realises the true weight of the distance he placed between you two. Since he is no longer by your side twenty-four-seven, he misses out on things about you; trivial or not.

The crowd parts to make a circle in the middle of the dance floor. He watches you hand-in-hand with Rowoon as he takes you out on the dance floor. He sees you whispering to each other with coy smiles on your face as you face each other. “I hate to admit it, they look good together.” Changkyun hears a girl comment behind him.

“What do you expect? They’re both good-looking, popular, and cheerful people.” Her friend agrees bitterly. Changkyun watches you dance around the room like he was in a trance. All he could see was your smile lighting up the entire room but he’s still in darkness. All he could hear was yours and everyone’s laughing at a joke he didn’t hear about. He is the one that placed the wall between you. He cannot be angry or upset if you’re no longer standing on the other side of it. This was what he wanted after all.

━━━☆

The boys watched you key a song in when a classmate approached you. Everyone knew Soonyoung as he is a close friend of Jooheon. The boys watch you laugh at what the boy was saying. “She’s changed a lot.” Hyungwon says turning his attention back to his cold fries.

“Yeah, she has.” Changkyun says with a melancholic smile.

Everyone at the table noticed Changkyun’s mood. He has always been quiet and standoffish, but this was different. They could see the longing in his eyes whenever he looked at you. He always looked at you softly and affectionately but this time there was sadness in it too. “What’s going on Changkyun?” Hoseok asked the question everyone was thinking.

“I’m going to the U.S. for university.” The air in the room shifted, at least only to the guys at the table.

“Well, congratulations!” Kihyun offers. They’re happy for him of course but it is a shock. Their first thought automatically goes to you. They would never expect Changkyun to move overseas especially since it’s been established that you’re staying in Seoul.

“When did this happen?” Jooheon asks trying to piece together Changkyun’s train of thought.

“During the formal, I got a call – an offer to study in the U.S. from my dad. I had a lot of time to think about it and I’ve decided to go.”

After knowing he has thought it through, Hyunwoo breaks into a smile. “Well, that’s awesome.” He pats him in the back. “It will be a cool adventure.”

“And challenge.” Minhyuk points out getting a kick in the shin from Hoseok from under the table. “Ow!” He jumps. “What? It is?”

“Y/n’s always said she wanted to visit New York. Now she has a good excuse to.” Hyungwon offers to lighten up the mood.

“Y/n doesn’t know.” He answers their unspoken question. “I don’t want her to know.” He says with conviction. The air heavies as conflict and worry looms over the table.

“Changkyun –” Jooheon starts to argue but you walk over. Everyone stiffens at your presence.

Your smile only darkens their thoughts further. “Come on, let’s dance.” You take Changkyun’s hand without any answer and lead him to the dance floor. His smile doesn’t reach his eyes as he allows you to use his hands to wave around. “I regret not letting go like this with you at our formal.” You giggled and he could offer a nod in response. As the song ends, a slow piano begins to play. The melody light but the mood is more romantic. Everyone slows their pace and pairs up. You look up at him bashfully. How could you still be shy with him even after thirteen years? He offers his hand, and you take it as the singer starts to sing.

Time after time, I tell myself that I'm so lucky to be loving you.

“I regret not dancing with you at our formal.” You confessed. His heart ached at the missed opportunity. His ugly side getting the better of him once again as he left not be able to withstand watching you dance with someone else. But that night, he accepted his feelings. He could no longer ignore the fact that he was not a person deserving to be by your side. That night, he accepted the reality. No more false pretenses. He could no longer be in your life.

I only know what I know. The passing years will show, you've kept my love so young; so new.

━━━☆

“I’m sorry, Kyun.” He hears Hoseok’s sadness on the other line. “I couldn’t not tell her. She loves you more than anyone in the world.” He wanted to scoff. He wanted to deny it and argue but the words didn’t come out. Changkyun tells him it’s okay even though they both know it wasn’t. “Have a safe flight, keep in touch.” Changkyun bids him goodbye as he hears his name being shouted from across the room.

He turns and sees your angry expression first. He hated how beautiful he thought you looked even in your disheveled state. He hated how endearing he found you in your fluffy heart pajamas. As you make your way towards him, he sensed his impending doom. You pushed him with all your might, and he lets you. “You idiot!” You screamed with tears building. Changkyun doesn’t care about the stares. All he could think about is you. “Why didn’t you tell me?” His heart ached. If I did, I wouldn’t be able to go through with it. “Why did you act like nothing was happening?” If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to hold back anymore. “Why did you make me think you were only going to be a couple of hours away?” If I didn’t, you wouldn’t be okay. “Why?” Your last cry shot straight through his heart.

He grabbed your arms, and your tears fell as if you were waiting for your anchor to let go. He’s known you all his life. He always had the idea that he had to take care of you; that he couldn’t leave you on your own, that you needed him. But that wasn’t true. You are just fine without him. He was the one that needed you, but he knows he shouldn’t. He is the one that couldn’t be without you, but he knows that he has to. “I’m sorry.” Is all he could give you without weakening his already broken resolve. Overwhelmed with emotions, you kissed him. It was your last plead. He wished he pulled you closer, searing the memory of you into his mind. But he didn’t and your memory faded.

───────── ☾ • ☽ ──────────

It had been a week since you last saw Changkyun. It had been a week since you last spoke to anyone. It had been a week since you left your bed. You gave up rejecting calls from Jooheon; opting to let your phone die. You locked yourself in your room; ignoring Minhyuk and Hyungwon even when they came to visit you. Only ever leaving your room when you hear the door shut after Jaebum tells you he’s leaving. You already felt awful, but you felt worse for ignoring everyone. But you knew what they would say, more like what they would ask. What happened with Changkyun? What does it mean? Has this changed anything? You don’t have answers to their questions and the ones you do have, you weren’t ready to share. Your head turns towards the stack of paper by your bedside. The ink faded through time, the paper crinkled through the handling, blotches of tears stained across the letters. You have read his letters over and over since he gave them to you. It was all too much to get your head around. What were supposed to do with this new information? What did you want to do with it?

Your head turns towards your door, and you hear your knob rattle. A shadow cast against the crack beneath the door. Their whispers muffled as they argued with each other. It must be Minhyuk and Hyungwon again. You sigh and turn over, bringing your blanket to cover you. They will leave soon. That’s what you thought when you suddenly heard your door bust open. “It worked!” Minhyuk’s cheery voice boomed through your quiet room. You cringe not wanting to face them. “It smells!” You roll your eyes at Minhyuk’s teasing.

“Then, get out.” You retort flatly.

“She’s alive.” Hyungwon says calmly with a hint of sarcasm. You feel your bed dip behind you. “How long are you going to be like this for?”

“Hyungwon, she deserves to feel the way she does.” You hear Kihyun’s voice in front of you before you see light from your window shine through your blanket. Of course, he would open your blinds.

“Yes, of course but maybe she should at least move on to the next stage of dealing with it.” Hyunwoo’s deep and logical voice reasons by your feet.

Your curiosity gets the better of you and you peak your head outside your blanket. “Jesus, how many of you are in my room?” You see five pairs of eyes already looking at you. Kihyun was leaning on your desk which was against the window of your room. Hyunwoo was at the foot of your bed with his arms crossed and Jooheon stood next to him with bags under his eyes. Your heart tugs at the sight. Were you the cause for that? Hyungwon was lying on top of your blankets while Minhyuk stands next to him by your bedside drawer. You shot up and reached for the letters opened for anyone to see. Minhyuk had surely seen some of it, but you still held the letters close to your chest. Tears pricked your eyes as you felt pathetic with their pitiful eyes looking down at you.

Jooheon gets on your bed and hugs your head. “It’s okay, you can cry. I’m here.” A tear falls from his comfort. You see the light go darker as Kihyun and Hyunwoo join the hug. “We’re here for you.” You thought you had already cried enough to last a lifetime, but the flood gates broke through like it was a dam. You feel their hug become heavier when Hyungwon and Minhyuk join. Your crying turns into sobbing as you feel their love and care. The guilt you felt only amplifying.

You cried for what felt like hours; wrapped up in Jooheon’s arms while Hyunwoo rubs your back and Kihyun hands you tissue to blow your nose. Hyungwon holds the bin for you to throw away your used tissues and Minhyuk offers comments to make you crack a smile. “I don’t know what to do.” You sigh sitting up. The boys give you their undivided attention prompting you to confide in them. You tell them what happened at the wedding and how seeing him and speaking to him felt like a shot in the heart. How the hurt you felt throughout the years hit you at once. “He loved me?” You cried exasperatedly. “All this time?” It wasn’t a shock that tears flooded back as you recounted the moment. The silence around you piques your attention. You wipe the tears away and see their body language change. Hyunwoo gave you a tight-lipped smile, Minhyuk avoided your eyes, and Jooheon was clenching his jaw. “What?” They share a look between themselves as if you couldn’t see it. You roll your eyes. “Just tell me.”

“Y/n, the only one who didn’t know he was in love with you was you.” Hyungwon carefully explained.

You tilt your head in confusion, so Kihyun adds. “Y/n, everyone saw the way he looked at you.”

“And everyone saw that you didn’t look at him the same way.” Minhyuk tells you the truth you asked for. “And that’s perfectly fine!” He adds to reassure you. “No one expects you to feel the same way or give him a chance; that’s your right to feel however you feel but…” Minhyuk looks over at the others for back up.

“But we also understood, how painful it would be on his end; to love someone wholeheartedly and never ask for anything in return.” Jooheon lands the final blow. The boys sit in silence as they watch you process this newfound information. Tears prickled your eyes in frustration. How could everyone know but not you? How come no one said anything? Well, that's not true. Everyone always assumed you two were a couple; that had to count for something. Upset by the what ifs flooding through your eyes, you squeezed your eyes and wipe your face. “I'm sorry, y/n. We should have told you.”

“No, it's not your fault. It's mine; I should have said something.”

“Well, Changkyun didn't say anything either.” Minhyuk assures you.

You give him a weak smile. He's right. You both were the only ones responsible for the hurt the other experienced. “So, what happens now?” Hyunwoo asked.

“I don't know.”

“What were you trying to achieve sending him those letters?” Kihyun frames the question differently hoping to unlock clarity in you.

You sigh. “I wanted closure; to move on. I didn't expect him to reply. I definitely didn't expect him to say he felt the same way.”

“So, what are you doing to do about it?” Hyungwon asks causing you to stifle a laugh.

“What is there to do? That was in the past; he had feelings for me. I am just grieving what could have been – which is useless I know, but I need to feel all of this.”

“What if it wasn't?” You furrow your brows at Jooheon’s question. “In the past, I mean.”

You finally let out a laugh. “How could he have feelings for me? We haven't seen or spoken in years.”

“You really don't understand how much he loves you.” You become irritated at their constant highlight of how much he feels for you and how ignorant you are of it.

You get up out of bed for the first time of the day feeling suffocated. “Of course, I don’t know! He chose not to tell me anything. He was the one that decided to leave without a word. I may have been a fool for not seeing what you all see but he was the one that also decided not to tell me. You all decided to not tell me.”

Jooheon gets up and rubs your arms to calm you down. “You're right, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it as a jab or anything. I just mean maybe you will know what to do if you talk to him; honestly and without holding anything back?”

━━━☆

Jooheon was right. The boys knew that. You knew that. But you were not in the right frame of mind to do the right thing. Of course not. That's why you're pumping your arms aimlessly as you lose yourself in the music and alcohol. The boys were against the idea but promised to support you in any way you needed. Of course. That's why they're standing aside watching you with barely any alcohol in their system. It was the first time you left your house, the first time you dressed up, the first time you smiled in a long time. It was a baseless happiness; temporary and shallow. But that's what you needed right now.

At least, that's what you thought. You weren't ready for a conversation; to face the music; to experience another heartbreak. So why are you standing in front of a door you haven’t stood in front of since senior year of high school? Of course, you kept in touch with his parents. Checking in on each other on birthdays and holidays via online messages and the annual call. You haven't been home since you left for college – your parents didn't care enough to have you visit and since your grandmother passed away there was no reason for you to. His parents invited you multiple times for the holidays and you always gave them an excuse; plans with your friends, interning for the summer – they were all true, but you could work in a visit if you really wanted. But how could you go and be reminded of the memories you shared with him and his family? How could you sit at the table and talk to his parents without any underlying tension on what happened between you and his son? And you were sure they would tell you what he has been up to in America. Living the high life easily without you. Or worse, run the risk of seeing him after years of radio silence.

All your worries and hesitations quashed thanks to the influence of the alcohol in your system. How many did you have to drink? The night was a blur. You were too determined to forget the night, you completely lost yourself. All you could remember is the burning of your throat as you force down the shots at the start of the night and the multiple incidents of throwing up on your way to his house. You remember flashes of you dancing despite the soreness in your arms and neck. Laughing and talking to people you can't even picture. Everything was going well. You were forgetting your troubles and dancing the night away. You were doing well to numb everything when a familiar tune starts playing. Your movement stops as nostalgia hits you. It was a song you were obsessed with at one point in time. It was the first song Changkyun had played through his window to drown out the fight your parents were having. It was the song you had danced to with him more times you could count. Your thoughts drift back to the bar. The alcohol in your system wearing off from the flood of emotions. You were stumbling on your way to the bar when you looked back at the boys. It was only one second; a moment of distraction before their attention falls back on you; an opportunity to slip away. Despite your fogginess, you manoeuvre yourself to hide in the crowd as you make your way to the exit. You hurry to hail a cab before they can stop you.

It was a forty-five-minute drive. Forty-five minutes to change your mind. Forty-five minutes to regain clarity. The purging of the alcohol in your system helped you sober up quicker but by the fifth request to pullover, the driver didn’t want to take you any further. It was a fifteen-minute walk. By that point, you were completely sober. The alcohol flushed out of your system. The night breeze refreshes your sweaty skin. Your legs were on autopilot as you walked the streets you’ve walked for the most part of your life. The houses looked smaller than you remember, the street shorter. Fifteen minutes flew by and here you stood. All the houses dark; the streets quiet given the time of night. What were you doing? Tears pricked your eyes as it finally sinks in. How could you bring yourself to confront him after all this time? You move to step back when the door rips open. Changkyun in the middle of putting his jacket on when he sees you. His hair sticking up in the same peculiar ways it used to when he wakes up from slumber. Like always, Changkyun shows up right in front of you right when you need him. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Your voice soft and broken as the tears slip down your face. Like always, he reaches for you. But this time, he stops himself. His hands hovering over your skin unsure and hesitating. “How could you have not known? How could I have not known?” Your question hurts the both of you; acknowledges the blame is on the both of you.

“I’m sorry,” Your tears stop at the sound of Changkyun’s voice breaking. In your years of knowing him, you had never seen him cry or lose his temper. The unwavering land to your swirling ocean. For the first time, you see distress on his face. You notice the eye bags under his eyes. His unkempt hair sticking out not like he was rolling around in his bed but from pulling it with his fingers. “I wish I did things differently. I wish I did everything differently.” He doesn’t answer your question; he doesn’t need to. The questions you both had for each other were answered in your own respective letters. You were both young, naïve, and insecure. You both placed each other on pedestals; believing one didn’t deserve the other. You both convinced yourself it was one-sided instead of confirming the truth for the fear of permanently losing the other. You both knew if the feeling wasn’t reciprocated, you would have to let them go and move on with your life without them in your heart.

“What would you do now?” Fear seeps into your heart as you asked the question you didn’t have the courage to ask when you were younger.

“Y/n,” He says softly.

He reaches out to touch you. Your stomach drops as you feel your cheeks heat up in embarrassment. Of course, time changes things. Distance doesn’t let the heart grow fonder. His love for you was years ago. Before, he separated himself from you. Before, he met different people. Before, he became a completely new person that you didn't know anything about. Everyone else had moved on. Hoseok got married. Jooheon has a growing social circle. Changkyun is not the same boy you knew. You were the only fool living in the past. You pull away from his touch like he burned you. “No, it’s okay. That’s a stupid question. Forget it. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m here.”

You turn to leave; to run away but Changkyun spins you around. He cages you in between his arms. His warmth enveloping you. His touch littering goosebumps across your exposed skin. You look up wide-eyed into his sharp eyes. “Even without loving you, you are and will always be my greatest love, y/n.” Your bottom lip quivers overwhelmed with the rush of emotions you’re going through. He takes the hand on his chest and rubs his thumb across your palm; a habit he used to do to soothe you. “I could never lose the love I have for you in my heart. Believe me, I tried. I thought time apart from you would help me move on and forget about you. But there was not a single day where my feelings for you weakened.” You blink to let your tears fall so you can see him clearly; take all of him in. It has been too long since you’ve gone without seeing his face; hearing his voice; feeling his touch. “When I got your letters; when I read how you felt about me, I foolishly thought I might have a chance to right my wrongs. I thought there was a possibility for us to be together. If you tell me, you’re willing to give us a chance despite the hurt I caused you; I would take it in a heartbeat.”

When you wrote the letters to Changkyun, you did it to move on with your life; to close that chapter of your life. Not once did you ever consider that he felt the same way – that he still feels the same way. When you showed up to his door, you hadn’t thought about what you wanted to get out of it. You wanted to yell at him and tell him just how much he hurt you again. You wanted to cry into his arms and beg for answers you already knew the answer to. Your intentions weren’t to love and be loved. Not once did you consider reconciliation – much less a relationship. But maybe things between you two were meant to fall apart in order for the pieces to fall exactly where they needed to be. “Promise me something.”

“Anything and everything.”

“Promise me, you won’t hold anything back this time.”

“I promise.” Changkyun kisses your knuckle endearingly. Your heart starts beating hard in your chest you could feel it vibrating your entire body.

“Promise me, we’ll make up for the lost time.”

“I promise. We’ll take it slow. We’ll start fresh.” He kisses your tear-stained cheek making you smile.

“Promise me, you won’t break my heart again.”

“I promise.” It was your turn to initiate a kiss. You lean forward brushing noses before you meet his lips. He reciprocates your kiss slowly and gently. His hands cup your cheeks and your fingers run through his long dark hair. You felt like you were fifteen years old again. Standing by the bonfire and kissing your best friend for the first time. This is your second chance; a second beginning. This time you won’t run away. This time you will take a chance on love. This time you will love him without any reservation.

[a/n] the epilogue is finally out! only took fifty years - i'm sorry to anyone who anticipated this when the series first came out. i hope you enjoy the final instalment of this series. thank you for reading my work, i really appreciate it <3

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