The Tiny Moments

Making sense of the world with all of the tiny moments.

[surrealmeds]

Can we talk about getting the medical blues?

I mean when someone who is normally light and rainbowy starts to see the evil everywhere. When the world that medical peeps are in makes clouds drop over everything good in this world. When the dismal fog makes suicide seem like a legit answer when the question is “why am I getting out of bed for this?” 

(skip to the bottom for lessons learned if you want - I get pretty wordy here)

Before I decided to go to med school I worked in a copy shop. One of our regular clients was a family doc who made me laugh. He was awesome. He went above and beyond for his patients, making great learning tools on his own time. He was also a coroner in the area. When his assistant picked up orders, she confessed that she was worried about how much he was working and how much he put into his practice. I began to notice that he often smelled of whiskey at 08:00. He was in a car accident a year after I met him that took his life. I can’t say for sure that it was suicide, but there weren’t any tire marks from brakes. His EtOH level wasn’t released so I can’t comment on that. It’s possible that he just fell asleep, but something in my gut told me it was a purposeful death. 

This is my story of fighting against the dark and twisties and almost failing. 

Flash forward to me getting into med school. Oh happy day! I cried happy tears all day. I’m an emotional person who feels all her feelings on the outside. This is me. That’s not going to change. When I went to see my family doc to get immunizations all up to date, I told her I was worried about my emotions. She told me to never disclose that I have a mental illness and suggested that I read Iron Doc by Mamta Gautum. She also told me I was going to be a great doc. 

I entered med school with eyes wide open. There are dark and twisty places in medicine and I needed to make sure that I was safe from. I read about how to stay sane in medicine from Mamta’s book, but then quickly stopped that practice because who the hell has time for exercise, hanging with family, etc. when you have a firehose of information coming at you? The one thing I did do consistently was blog about my thoughts about medical culture and my place in it. That blog was both a harsh reality for me and a way to express my gratitude for being allowed to be a medical learner, and then a physician. 

Residency was hard on me. I was an older than average, fat learner who did not fit the approved ideals of how a learner should look. I was either treated as a moron or as someone who was capable of doing everything without any guidance. There was rarely any in between. I became afraid to ask for help because when I did, well, badness. As a people pleaser, I worked harder and harder trying to get to the point where I would be seen as a good doctor. This was a futile mission, and I would likely see that now, but then, entrenched in those emotions of inadequacy it was impossible to recognize that I was surrounded by idiots. It must be my fault. 

I started taking SSRIs to deal with the sometimes crippling anxiety and depression. I had a hard time getting out of bed. My new family doctor suggested a leave of absence to give myself time to recover, but the thought of my previous doc saying to never admit I have mental illness rang in my head. As tempting as a medical leave was I refused to do it. Looking back, I’m not sure it would have helped. I was lying to everyone about how hard things were. I didn’t tell anyone that I was fantasizing about suicide. I was increasing my SSRI dose then telling my doc about it later. I was in hard core denial. I would likely have just spent the time beating myself up for not being strong enough to follow the program, and for letting down my husband who had been footing all my education bills for the past 10 years. 

Between residency and practice I took a few months off. I blamed it on my papers not being ready, but the truth was, I wasn’t ready. All I did was watch TV and sleep. I was not recovering my strength at all. 

I knew I needed to get a therapist if I was going to be a doc that my patients could rely on. Knowing that 1300 people needed me to be strong is what finally got me to the point of going for help.

How stupid is that?

I could have been a stronger learner the whole way through, but I had too much to prove as an outsider to medical culture. My discussion about being an outsider to a culture of privilege as well will come another day. 

The stress that I was under during my first years of practice was intense. I was diagnosing cancers almost daily. I was working 85 hours a week. Locums that took care of my patients refused to come back because they were too complicated. When I went to my colleagues and supposed mentor for help, I was told this is just how it is. That once I learned to stop being so nice, and stop caring about my patients everything would be better. 

I never want to stop caring about my patients. When I am no longer passionate about medicine and about keeping my patients well, it’s time for me to find another job. 

I lost a patient my age to malnutrition. Fuck. How the fuck does that even happen in the 2010s??? She had an opioid issue that I frankly hadn’t had time to address. She also had so many social determinant concerns that I was often at a loss at where to begin, but she also wouldn’t let me help. So there’s that. I will work as hard as my patients will to keep them healthy. If they’re not ready to work at it though, I will wait until they are. 

Other patients lost their family to suicide or homicide. Children died. I kept diagnosing cancers, many terminal. Patients went back to jail. They cheated on each other. They hit their partners and their children. So many kids were raped. OMG so many…

Stress piled up, so did paper work, and I missed a new cancer in a patient. He’s fine, all’s well, he kicked me in the ass to take a vacation. (btw, when patients are telling you to take a break, take a break.) On this vacation, the thought of having to go back to this practice with those colleagues was too much. I had a plan to kill myself while I was away. 

A plan. WTF???

Medical professionals know too much. We can make a plan that will make it seem like an accident, and we know that our colleagues in the coroners office are often implicit in this plan. No one is allowed to know how hard it is to be a doctor sometimes. It was a good plan. Murder mystery of the week quality. 

It scared me. 

When I got back, I called the physician health program in my province and went to see a psychiatrist. I quit my practice and am somewhere that respects physicians (and nurses, and social workers, and rec therapists - is this heaven???) I am significantly more balanced, but am not even close to being the person I used to be. 

Lessons learned

1. I am allowed to feel my emotions - they make me into a better doctor who will learn more from her patients.

2. EVERYONE in medical practice needs a therapist. None of us think we do. We have ZERO perspective on this. 

3. When your family and docs are telling you to take a break, asking if things are wrong, take a step back. Something is screwy. 

4. Things in our personal life are the first to go. I stopped crocheting and making Sunday dinners for friends. It might be running, clubbing, walking the dog. 

5. The last thing to go is our capability at the office. This is when alarms had better be flashing in your brain. When you can’t hold your shit together at the office, you need a vacation, you need help. Ask for it. If your colleagues are useless tools, ask outside your group. 

6. Lots of med peeps turn to substances for help. Alcohol, morphine, fentanyl. If you NEED a drink when you get home from work, or are considering diverting to enjoy a fix, please get help. 

7. There are some fantastic resources available to med peeps if you ask for them.

8. There is a MONSTEROUS stigma around needing mental help in our profession. I am still not allowed to say I suffer from anxiety on my college app in case I get denied. Colleagues act like illness is a weakness (even cancer, that’s another story, not mine, but really eye opening). Find better colleagues. They don’t all suck. 

9. I am the hugest proponent for mental health for health professionals, but I am still only confessing this in an anonymous blog. Our culture needs a huge change. My side blog fckya professionalism focuses more on self care since I think that self care should be honoured as professionalism more than not being drunk in public. 

10. Even the strongest, most go - to person you know may be suffering. When I told my colleagues I was fantasizing about suicide, they thought I was joking because I was such a strong person. 

This was hard to write, but I need to let others who were in similar situations know it gets better. I don’t want to lose more colleagues to suicide. 

[shanny-do]

Wow. Fantastic perspective. A must read ❤️ #physiciandepression

[hanhaoshua]

I need feminism because...

Zayn Malik can pay to leave in the middle of a world tour, the middle of a contract, and make his own music because he didn’t like One Direction’s music, but Kesha is being forced to stay in a contract with her mental abuser, sexual assaulter, and rapist and Sony won’t let her out without repercussions 

Sam Pepper goes around with sick and horrible pranks and nobody bats an eye, and when people do, they get shit because the girls who got their ass grabbed should have liked it.

Chris Brown can beat women and get away with it WITH a career and female fans still worshiping this woman beater.

Hillary Clinton will get asked about her wardrobe in interviews instead of political topics, unlike her other male runners.

Tampons and pads are taxed as luxury items, but male shaving items are not.

When I get catcalled at the mall, the guys yell at me about how I should take it as a compliment and only stop when my boyfriend shows up and tells them to stop.

Nobody bats an eye at a shirtless male, but the moment a woman doesn’t have a shirt on and her breasts are out, people are in outrage.

Men can’t go out in public wearing ‘feminine’ items without being ridiculed.

I got detention for wearing shorts over my leggings because my shorts were not fingertip length and was distracting to my male students learning environment, despite having full length leggings on and my shorts covering my butt.

5SOS can have a completely bare naked magazine cover, only cover their junk with their hands, and be praised, but Selena Gomez releases an album cover of her naked, but at the same time quite covered, and gets called a slut on social media.

When Justin Bieber posts a naked photo of him on a boat (with his back facing the camera) he is praised and drooled over, but a woman can’t post a bikini photo without being attention seeking.

Tyler Joseph can’t wear a dress on stage during a performance without being called out on the media, and in person, but a female can.

When a female says she’s a feminist, people think that women want to be better than men.

When a male says he’s a feminist, people think he is lying to get women’s attention.

When a gay man says he is raped by another man, he is told he should have liked it because he was gay.

When a boy says he was raped by a female, his friends say he should have liked it because he got laid by an older woman.

When a lesbian is raped by a man, he gets away free because he claims to try and turn her straight so her family would accept her.

Because ‘there are only two genders’.

Because pansexuality, demisexuality, asexuality, agender, genderfluidity, and other sexualities and genders are seen as ‘fake’ and ‘jokes’ because people use them as jokes.

I need fucking feminism because we all deserve to be treated equally.

[nursekanika]

Studying for finals like

[echolessvoid]

THROUGH A RAPIST’S EYES” (PLS TAKE TIME TO READ THIS. It may save a life, It may save your life.)

An Article from Neena Susan Thomas

“Through a rapist’s eyes. A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interview…ed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:

1] The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun! , braid, or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

2] The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women who’s clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing.

3] They also look for women using their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.

4] The number one place women are abducted from / attacked at is grocery store parking lots.

5] Number two is office parking lots/garages.

6] Number three is public restrooms.

7] The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they don’t have to worry about getting caught.

8] If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn’t worth it because it will be time-consuming.

9] These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas,or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.

10] Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you’re not worth it.

POINTS THAT WE SHOULD REMEMBER:

1] If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk: can’t believe it is so cold out here, we’re in for a bad winter. Now that you’ve seen their faces and could identify them in a line- up, you lose appeal as a target.

2] If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell Stop or Stay back! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they’d leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.

3] If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yelling I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.

4] If someone grabs you, you can’t beat them with strength but you can do it by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and armpit or in the upper inner thigh – HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it really hurts.

5] After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy’s parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you’ll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause him a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, and he’s out of there.

6] When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.

7] Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don’t dismiss it, go with your instincts. You may feel little silly at the time, but you’d feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

FINALLY, PLEASE REMEMBER THESE AS WELL ….

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do it.

2. Learned this from a tourist guide to New Orleans : if a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you…. chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won’t see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping,eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON’T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side,put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU CLOSE the DOORS , LEAVE.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:

a. Be aware: look around your car as someone may be hiding at the passenger side , peek into your car, inside the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. ( DO THIS TOO BEFORE RIDING A TAXI CAB) .

b. If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

c. Look at the car parked on the driver’s side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked “for help” into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it’s better safe than sorry.

If u have compassion reblog this post. ‘Helping hands are better than Praying Lips’ – give us your helping hand.

REBLOG THIS AND LET EVERY GIRL KNOW AT LEAST PEOPLE WILL KNOW WHATS GOING ON IN THIS WORLD. So please reblog this….Your one reblog can Help to spread this information.

THIS COULD ACTUALLY SAVE A LIFE.”

[brittanymichael]

EVERYONE BOOT THE FUCK OUT OF THIS

[littlemuppetmonsters]

isn’t it sad that we have to teach women how to avoid rape instead of telling rapists not to fucking rape people

[the-average-gatsby]

[misscherrylikesthediscourse]

I think I might have broken my finger reblogging this. 

[cryptidbitch-deactivated2017080]

EVERYONE TAKE A MINUTE TO JUST APPRECIATE THE FACT THAT DONALD GLOVER EXISTS AND KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK IS UP

[mangolean]

Visit Original Link

Bohemian Rhapsody (Vocals Only) by Queen

This is my favourite.

Everything else is great, but I absolutely adore this one.

[odinsblog]

…I’ve been going thru this guy’s twitter for the last hour

[blind-diode]

this is the shit

[2343454254356]

A few weeks ago my mom stapled pages of a story in one of her women’s magazines together and handed it to me. She gave it to me pretty much with the tag lines “for your feminist blog” and “something new to consider.” Indeed it was; she knows me well.

The story is titled “I was forced to be pregnant.” With a title like that, reading it was actually not on the top of my to read list. I thought it was about women not exercising their right to choice. I was very, very wrong on that one.

Have you ever heard of Reproductive coercion? It is a term that was quite recently coined by the advocates against domestic violence to describe a certain type of abuse some women face. It occurs when a man pressures their partner to have kids and/or impregnates them against their will. Reproductive coercion comes in three different types: 1. Emotional pressure that turns into verbal and physical abuse. 2. Sabotaging birth control 3. Marital rape Over 75% of women 19-49 who reported once experiencing domestic violence also endured some type of reproductive control by men. It’s all about control and domination over a woman’s body.

The first story in the magazine is about a woman who got married around 36 years of age. After a few months of dating her boyfriend talked excitedly about having children. After he proposed he began calling her “The Babymaker.” She then confided with him that one of her fallopian tubes was blocked. He in return insisted she see a fertility doctor. She recounts, “I had finally met a great guy who was eager to start a family with me. What woman wouldn’t fall for that?” Soon after her honeymoon he persisted on in an obsessive manner, but his efforts had to be temporarily halted as she had to get emergency back surgery. Alas, 6 months into recovery he was back to pressuring her again. She was in much pain at the time due to her back, but she agreed to In Vitro Fertilization. She then became pregnant, but soon miscarried. In response, her husband grabbed her by the neck, choking her. He apologized, blaming his outburst on his grief and had her sign up for another round of IVF. And then a third round. She tried to put him off with the excuse that she needed to weigh more before she could take treatments, her husband forced her to get on the scale often and filled the fridge with fattening foods. “It hurt that all I was good for was getting pregnant.” She recounts. At the end, he screamed at her, threatening to replace her with a maid if she couldn’t get pregnant and she told him she no longer wanted to have his child. He destroyed bedroom furniture, pushed her down the stairs and threatened her with a gun. She fled to a domestic violence shelter.

The second story was about a woman who faced marital rape. This woman was 40, had a then boyfriend and two children from a previous marriage. After telling her boyfriend she did not want any more children, her boyfriend refused to wear a condom and began to rape her.  She then became pregnant with her third child. Birth control was never an option for her because she couldn’t hide pills anywhere for he went through all of her belongings. Three months after giving birth, he raped her again, impregnating her with twins. She lost the twins in a physical fight with him, but soon became pregnant again. During her recovery she begged her obstetrician to remove her ovaries and devise a lie to tell him; that she had cancer. After a decade of sexual abuse and violence she was able to get a job that kept her out of the house and often times traveling.

One in four callers to the National Domestic Abuse hotline said that their partners had tried to force them to become pregnant. Why? As one woman stated, “Its like he wants to own me from the inside out.”  Having a baby is the perfect tie that binds. These type of abusers want to create a circumstance in which their partner is dependent on him.

WHAT’S THAT HAVE TO DO WITH PLANNED PARENTHOOD?

Many voters never consider how defunding these clinics could hurt victims of domestic violence who turn to them for counseling as well as pregnancy prevention. Abused women will turn to health care providers long before they will turn to domestic abuse hotlines and organizations. Many women in abusive relationships rely on life saving, affordable care programs such as Title X. It is critical that such places are open and operation when women and children need them so desperately.

[dosajam]

tw: abuse, rape, domestic violence

[babsissuchafuckinglady-deactiva]

holy fuck im crying.

[cg-is-lying-in-wait-blog]

I know I’ve told this story before, but my abusive ex refused to let me take birth control.  I was on the pill until he found them in my purse. 

I went to the Student Health Center—they were completely unhelpful, choosing to lecture me about the importance of safe sex (recommending condoms) instead of actually listening to my problem.

Then I went to Planned Parenthood. The Nurse Practitioner took one look at my fading bruises and stopped the exam. She called in the doctor. The doctor came in and simply asked me: “Are you ready to leave him?” When I denied that I was being abused, she didn’t argue with me. She just asked me what I needed. I said I need a birth control method that my boyfriend couldn’t detect. She recommended a few options and we decided on Depo. 

When I told her that my boyfriend read my emails and listened to my phone messages and was known to follow me, she suggested to do the Depo injections at off hours when the clinic was normally closed. She made a note in my chart and instructed the front desk never to leave messages for me—instead, she programmed her personal cell phone number into my phone under the name “Nora”. She told me she would call me to schedule my appointments; she wouldn’t leave a message, but I should call her back when I was able to.

And that was it. No judgment. No lecture. She walked me to the door and told me to call her day or night if I needed anything. That she lived 5 blocks from campus and would come get me. That I wasn’t alone. That she just wanted me to be safe.

I never called her to come to my rescue. But I have no doubt that she would have come if I had called. She kept me on Depo for a year, giving me those monthly injections in secret, helping me prevent a desperately unwanted pregnancy. 

I cannot thank Planned Parenthood enough for the work they do.

[jewlesthemagnificent-deactivate]

If you can read this, and still think there is no situation in which a woman should have access to safe abortions, basically you’re saying that you value women as little as the abusive assholes in these personal, true stories did. That you’d rather have a woman die at the hands of her abuser than terminate a pregnancy, and that you’d rather have numerous children born into a dangerous, damaging, terrifying home than allow a woman to have control over her own body and her own reproductive choices.

[angel-likes-running]

I’m crying

[micdotcom]

Planned Parenthood supporters rally on Twitter 

As Planned Parenthood CEO Cecile Richards addressed Congress Tuesday morning, allies took to Twitter to show their support for the women’s health organization. A national poll shows that most Americans agree.

[larstheyeti]

http://theawkwardyeti.com

[micdotcom]

What would you do if the price of your everyday prescription rose 5,500%? That’s exactly what happened to Daraprim (pyrimethamine), a drug originally developed over 60 years ago, that helps immunocompromised HIV and cancer patients. After Martin Shkreli, a former hedge fund manager, acquired the drug for his company, Turing Pharmaceuticals, he raised the price by 55 times overnight. Shockingly, this type of gouging is fairly common.

[no-corners-deactivated20160918]

Turing Pharmaceuticals LLC 

1177 Avenue of the Americas, 39th Floor New York, NY 10036

Tel: [phone]

Turing Pharmaceuticals AG Haldenstrasse 5 6340 Baar CHE

Tel: [phone]

Source: http://www.turingpharma.com/contact-us

[mayathemartian]

Burn it to the ground

[commongayboy-deactivated2018082]

George Takei educating the ignorant

[eronthebender]

Well shit Shawn got shut the fuck up

[dynastylnoire]

And how is she still employed? HOW? She refused to do her job and went to jail because of it. How is she not fired ? 

[stevenstrange]

[shouldnt]

OK SO

BABY LLAMAS

ARE THE MOST

UNDERAPPRECIATED

BABY ANIMAL

IN THE WORLD

I LOVE BABY LLAMAS

[deadlyart]

[diam0ndcvlt]

the female body is hardcore as fuck. 

[rebalancem]

Yes it is.

[a-strawbarry-blog]

so is the male body

it’s sad to see so many people like this on this website

[tumbling-torterra]

OP is praising the fact that women hold a fucking infant in their belly the size of a ribcage, get the fuck over yourself for 3.5 seconds.

[radicalfeminisms-blog]

*~*~follow for more fragile male ego~*~*

[shamelesslyunladylike]

The male body is more susceptible to hereditary diseases because of their lack of a second X chromosome. Their testosterone production ages them faster and causes them to die sooner. Their center of gravity is higher because of their tiny little hips and overgrown shoulders, making them easier to topple. Their gonads are placed outside of the body, in a very vulnerable position, because they do not function properly if they get a little bit warmer than usual. They have non-functional nipples, but still enough breast tissue to get cancer. The male body is not hardcore. The male body is to the female body what a shoddy, unstable mod is to a well-estabilished piece of software. Sit the fuck down. And try to not crush your fragile pathetic outside gonads when you do it.

[meme-loving-stuck]

*pounds gavel* OHHHHH OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

[whitebeltwriter]

[ukoid]

the uterus is not inside the ribcage. the ribs are inside the ribcage

[marstopher]

what the person meant was the baby is as large as their ribcage and fits in their stomach area , but this post is the best

[actionables]

Because news cameras are apparently only there if looting and protests are mentioned, here are some shots from the march for peace in Charleston yesterday. In case you missed it, thousands marched to Ravenel Bridge, holding hands in prayer and unity. Yet this doesn’t make news, but an interview with the killer’s friend does. all photos from Twitter

[comedycentral]

This was magical.

If you ever needed a reason to follow @TheDailyShow, this is it.

Here’s the original segment, in case you missed it.