Her rambling thoughts

This is my outlet. A way to organise the chaos that goes up in my head. - L Feel free share your thoughts and any questions you might have.

[herramblingthoughts]

Unconditional love

"Wait till you have your own child"

I now do have my own child. And it still doesn't make sense. My love for him is unconditional. My heart breaks every time his does. I don't get it. The love is unconditional.

- L

[herramblingthoughts]

Taking up space

In my early teens I came across a spoken word poetry video about a young woman at university who goes back to visit her family. She speaks about the changes she notices. Her father getting bigger and bigger and occupying more space. She noticed how her mother seemed to be getting smaller making space for her father.

The artist presented her art in such a way that it stayed with me. I didn't fully understand the poem. I liked it but could not make sense of what it was trying to say. Or maybe I knew what it was talking about but did not really understand it.

Recently I've been thinking about this poem. I couldn't find the video. I wanted to rewatch. I feel like I finally get it. The enlarging. The shrinking. The making of space. It feels like a never ending cycle. The inevitable. The "its-only-a-matter-of-time".

It scares me a lot.

- L

[herramblingthoughts]

A year has passed

My little boy is turning one. Where did the year go?!

This has been the most challenging yet exciting year of my life so far. Becoming a mother was like nothing I ever imagined yet everything I ever imagined it to be at the same time.

I'm looking at my sweet boy sleeping and I feel so lucky that I get to be his mum and watch him grow. I just want him to have everything he could ever want, I want him to keep smiling at the world like he does now. I never want him to lose the curiosity he has, from the way leaves move to the way people walk. I want him to always be excited at seeing new things and excited to share with his mama and baba like he does now, "oh wow!".

I love him so much, I literally have never felt something like this. I can't even put into words what I feel for him.

Sometimes I think did my mum ever feel like this looking me? Where along the line did the love change to something more complicated. Maybe the same way he is unaware of the intensity of my love, I'm unaware of hers.

-L

[herramblingthoughts]

Life really feels like it is on turbo mode. Everything is a blur

[herramblingthoughts]

Circulating thoughts

I want to write something that I've been thinking about a lot. But I feel like putting it in writing breathes life into my thought, and I'm not sure if that is something I want.

There is this topic that has be circulating my head for some time. I don't know if topic is the right word. Maybe "thought" is the right word for it. It is something I've thought about a lot in the past, but I feel like recently I've been more comfortable with the thought which has me analysing the thought.

I don't think I'm ready to spell out the thoughts circulating my head.

-L

[herramblingthoughts]

5 months postpartum

It feels like time is flying. My perfect little boy is growing up too fast. He now rolls over by himself. He has become very curious and will be starting real food soon.

It feels so surreal. How did I grow such a perfect little human. His smiles at 3am feeding makes me forget my exhaustion and soreness. The way he seeks me out in the morning, the smile when I say "good morning" in my half asleep state. God, I love it all!

Sometimes I take the time to look through my posts on here to appreciate how far I've come in my journey. Alhamdulillah I'm so grateful. May Allah protect my little circle of peace and love!

-L

[herramblingthoughts]

I might be using this more.

I found scrolling through tiktok when the algorithm is algorithming too well, the information overload makes me feel very overwhelmed and it facilitates my overthinking.

Writing about whatever was floating through my head last night helped me get to bed at a decent hour. This could be my answer to the third trimester insomnia. So I'm going to see if it helps!

- L

[herramblingthoughts]

Pregnancy has really lowered my threshold for dealing with bs. I've always been careful in choosing the right words to support loved ones to not judge or hurt them. But this pregnancy is making it difficult to filter my thoughts and remain patient.

The pregnancy has been really overwhelming for me. From dealing with the changes at work, to seeing the changes in my body and contemplating lifestyle changes that'll inevitably happen has left me feeling really overwhelmed. Scared. Alone.

So when my cup already feels empty, coming to me with issues that I have already advised you on, or issues that can be solved by simple communication just feels like too much.

There is also the guilt. Guilt that I should help resolve their issues. Even when if it means having the same energy draining conversation. Even if it means walking on eggshells. But I feel exhausted.

I feel I'm constantly looking after those around me. I feel like I always have to be strong so they don't have to be. They can draw their strength from me. But I need the same. I need them to be strong so I can afford to let my guard down and my fears and worry show.

T has been my safe space through this. But it's difficult when his projects keep him away for days on end. The days we do have together, my body relaxes and catches up on missed sleep. Can't wait till this project is over.

- L

[herramblingthoughts]

4am

There is just something in the air at 4am that forces me to acknowledge everything I’ve been ignoring to placate myself. 

Maybe its the lack of sleep, or the hunger that forces me to drop my guard. Or maybe its the 3rd trimester hormones. Who knows!

- L

[herramblingthoughts]

Change?

I think it’s time for a change. 

I don’t know if this change needs to be as drastic as changing the whole journey, or something smaller like changing the route. 

This year I have felt burnout like no other. I have chalked it up to my pregnancy, but I think it goes beyond that. Maybe I’ve overstayed my welcome in this journey and maybe change is just what I need. 

First step is, without a doubt, to strip down the clutter to see if the journey or the route needs changing. 

I think its the journey. 

I’ve been thinking about it for a while. The conversation solidified my conviction. Maybe that’s why I didn’t argue back. What is the point?

- L

[herramblingthoughts]

6 months on - little bubba is kicking away. 

I’m both nervous and excited to meet him. I feel very overwhelmed just thinking about bringing him into the world. The responsibility. The preparations that needs to be done. 

When I think about the timeline of the last 5 years and the circumstances that led me to my husband and now the little bubba, it feels surreal. Never would I have been able to even imagine this route in my life would be possible. Leaves me excited and nervous about the future. How there is no fixed route, and how unpredictable it can me. 

Alhamdulillah x100 times. 

- L

[herramblingthoughts]

First comes love, then marriage, then...

A baby.

I’m pregnant. Even typing it feels so surreal. I don’t think it will fully kick in until I’m holding a baby in my arms. Or pushing them out!

Also. Everyone talks about the horrors of giving birth but no one prepared me for the first trimester. The exhaustion. The nausea. The tears. I could not have survived this without him.

Keep us in your prayers.

- L

[herramblingthoughts]

Forgive and forget?

The older I get and the more complicated life becomes, the more I start to realise how much our childhood experiences shape and impact us. 

Growing up in an environment where hurt and tears were something to get over and any reaction is an over-reaction and an inconvenience shapes you to become an an “easy” child. By night you cry your tears but with the morning light all has been buried and you’re ready to go. Forgive and forget. As an adult you become a very empathic yet “uncomfortable-with-emotions” adult. 

You feel deeply when someone is sharing their pain and crying. Only for a short period of time. Your emotions start bubbling to the surface and part of self soothing is telling yourself to get over it and pull yourself together. And you expect the person to do the same. They don’t. And you’re left in a confusion of feeling their pain but also frustrated that they are not pulling themselves together. 

So you slip into solution mode. Its difficult learning how to be just an ear and a hug, when you’ve never known this.

- L

[herramblingthoughts]

Family visits

So I’m flying out in less than 48hours and instead of finishing my packing, I’m on here trying to calm myself down. The idea of spending the next two weeks with his family is making me really anxious. 

I’ve been trying to put into words what exactly is fuelling this anxiety, but there is a lot. The last visit wasn’t exactly amazing and by the end I was ready to come home. And I did. Without him. Sure he had COVID and couldn’t fly anyways but still. I still remember how stressful the returning home situation was and how the prospect of staying longer literally made me cry. It feels like I left on a weird note. 

I think my last visit and the feelings it bought to surface is part of the reason why I’m dreading this visit. But alongside this new information that has come to light, rumours if you may, and the new development in certain situation is making me anxious. I know logically rumours may not be true, but something in my gut tells me otherwise. I know the situation is nothing to worry about but I can’t help the way it makes me feel. 

I really didn’t give much thought to the other side of marriage. The in-laws part. Yikes.

- L

[herramblingthoughts]

Summer 22

Life has become so busy lately. With summer break just starting I feel like I finally have a bit of room to breathe again. Life has become so busy lately. And  I feel like I have so much to process and say but the words are not forming properly.

My problem is literally thinking I can deal with every traumatic incidence by myself. Until something triggers me to breakdown. 

So I reached out for a therapist. 

But they take a few days to get back to you with an appointment. Enough time for me to talk myself out of it. Because, what can they tell me what I don’t already know. And I’m fine now. 

This is why I need to start writing again. This was the only thing that has ever helped me come to terms with certain things in my life. To process things that have happened and truly understand and validate my feelings. 

- L

[herramblingthoughts]

1 year anniversary reflections

It has been a year since we became husband and wife. And our one year anniversary we’re spending over 3000 miles apart. To say that I am not upset would be a lie. I know the situation is not his fault, but I’m still allowed to be upset. Not at him. At the situation. 

I feel like marriage just bought a different dimension to our relationship. In the years that I knew him prior I never felt this connected to him. Or maybe I did not allow myself to feel this connected. It is weird because I never thought I could love someone this much. He is not only my best friend, but my biggest supporter, my shoulder to cry on, my biggest cheerleader and the place my heart feels at home. 

The last year feels like a dream. For the first 6 months we were just in awe of being able to be with each other. Every dawaat we went to, every wedding we attended, every family outing we went to, every time my mum cooked for him and every time my dad asked after him, felt surreal. Of course there was tears from learning to live with another person, and having a long-distance relationship but at the end we were just very grateful to be able to have those issues.

Growing up as the eldest, especially in an ethnic household, forces you to mature quicker. You’re constantly on your best behaviour. The honour of the family rested on your actions. You sibling’s future choices depended on you. You became the second mum, and essentially had to think about everyone else before yourself. You became an ear for whoever needed it. So your worries and tears were yours alone. Behind closed doors, the tears and worries were dealt with. Mostly through writing everything down (how this blog started). As I got older and the problems and stress got more complex, I started to realise how lonely I was despite the chaos around me. 

The “eldest daughter” mentality shaped my spouse search. I don’t think I have enough time to divulge into that but I will at some point. I met my husband at a time where I was ending something with a “rishta potential” and as you can imagine there was immense stress around that situation. One of my first messages to him were that I wanted only to stay friends, and he responded with until we fall in love then we’ll take it from there. Well looks like, we fell it love and it ended in a marriage. Alhamdulillah x1000. After all the tears, heartbreak, prayers and lots of sabr, we made it. I’m in love with our love story and may Allah protect it and bless it. Say MashaAllah please.

- L

[herramblingthoughts]

Burnt out?

So this year managed to secured a leadership role at my work place and I think I girl-bossed too close to the sun. I feel so... unqualified. I was looking at the files of the person who previously had my role. And she did.. so much! 

But if I’m being honest, I think this year has just been difficult for me mentally. Meeting the in-laws for the first time and coming face-to-face with the family I married into was a shock to the system. Not negative but I don’t know how I feel about it yet. I think mum having a heart attack, not having a base and being between both my place and my parents is taking it out of me mentally. Alongside this, whilst I’m loving married life, it has definitely been a big life change with a lot of learning. Learning how to run a house, sharing my space, and learning how to manage my emotions when expectations and reality clash. It just has been difficult being present at work, I feel burnt-out? and it is so weird because I have never felt this way before. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my job and still do to some extent but I just feel like it drains me!

So when I’m in meetings for my new role, I just don’t feel like I’ve bought anything to the table and feel... inadequate. I feel uncomfortable. I just need to remind myself. I am qualified. I was picked from a pool of qualified candidates because they saw I was qualified. I’ve got this. 

- L