so this will be extensive...
this thread unblocked me thoughts about the yearnings years of my life during middle to at least first year of high school. there was this girl i was best friends with since i was 11. she was my favorite person ever we had all of the inside jokes and just had the most fun together.
we always sat close: she was either in a chair in front of me, behind me or by my side and every class she would draw/write something silly in my books. usually a âi s2 you :3â (i know, but we're talking 2012 ok?). by 13 i learned being obsessed with her wasnât friendshiplike only.
13-16s were the WORST. i wanted to leave my body for a whole bunch of reasons and loving her like that was one of them. we got all weird by 13. i never knew where to put my hands and was stupidly clumsy with my arms to hug people while she was so fucking touchy it made me slowly lose my mind.
this was the person that i used to text every night and day back when all we had was sms and low credit in our sim chip so weâd constantly put us in debt with the sim operator - no joke at all. we talked so much about everything. until i couldnât tell her everything anymore.
i donât even know what happened first - did i got all weird and stopped talking or was it just in the same year she made new friends from other classes that i didnât know and was pathetically shy to meet? i was so afraid of People in those years itâs honestly ridiculous to remember.
but somehow things were different. i didnât know hot to act anymore carrying this massive weight and guilt that screamed at me every day. it felt like i was gonna get caught doing something wrong. by just. being how we always been.
i couldnât speak in person and it got her upset. she had all these new friends i was jealous of. because they got to just be normal and have her in their life. and iâd get mad at her but mostly at me for not being like that â normal. and the price to pay was watching all the touches and hugs and playing with each others hair.
it was so bad i'd write journals to her. like pages and pages of letters with a codified addressee. it was the semester my mother took my phone after reading my texts with an online friend about being queer and feeling all the guilt bc of religion. a classic. a tragic one of course.
i wrote her daily. sometimes more than once a day. all in english so i wouldn't get caught at home (not my first language). it was my way to spill my pov of how torturing watching her in class was and how bad i felt for not being the same. i was miserably in love. and i shit you not i still have the journals.
i remember she still trying to play with me. sharing the same chair in a way that made her put her arm around me and i'd be like what . the fuck. and sit so very still not facing her scared of whatever that WASNâT. it felt like torture. punishment. like a test i was destined to fail.
then this 2015 random fucking day outside class in the garden in the way to the library with no one around she says she wanted to ask me something. this is bonkers to remember i mustâve had this crazy look on my face bc she was right in front of me and it caught me so off guard i ran.
literally ran away. i left her standing there and its so stupid now but it felt like my ears weâre ringing. i couldnât face her i just wanted to LEAVE so bad. after school wasnât any better. hours later i dmed a long ass text scared to death she wouldn't want to be friends anymore.
it's bonkers how much i remember of it and just absolute ridiculous how this lore went on for years after in crazy ways. but we managed to work things out (meaning i shove it all deep down as much as i could for a little while and it was torture more than ever bc now she knew).
she was the girl everyone had a crush on. the girl who talked and joked with everyone. she even dated an ugly ass boy back then (istg he was so fucking ugly). and some time after she found out about me, she dated girls too. of fucking course. my straight best friend who i was sadly in love with in secret turned out not being straight. i'm not even joking i know how made up this sounds atp and it makes me LAUGH at how damn friends to lovers slow burn ass this whole thing was. except we never really happened - altough i'm pretty sure our exes and old friends might doubt it to this day. sometimes i felt like receiving mixed signals - which was confirmed later. sometimes i felt used.
by highschool we didn't study together anymore. she's had mutiple girlfriends by then. we would talk and not talk at the same time. it helped not seeing her everyday. it was hell at first, but it healed something inside me and i was able to move on.
i met someone and fell in love for the 2nd time in my life. my first wlw relationship - closeted at home, open at school. we dated for 2 years. we brokeup. so did her. how strange it was to go through similar things at similar time even tho we didnt know abt each others life anymore. but even in highschool religion fucked with my head so bad i went to this teen christian meetings while openly dating a girl. we'd even go together sometimes. and it was just evil how the speech would always be about renouncing parts of who you are and all that intended bullshit and fake acceptance.
i had discovered pride, but fear & guilt were still there too.
anyway i didnât think this thread would turn this long at all let alone that iâd go this deep in such a personal past experience but i think my point is just. a reflection on how fucking dense and aching first love can feel like growing up as a closeted queer kid. the fear. the unreasonable guilt.
and reflecting on the show - a show that were intended to outcasts, a show that build characters that experiences so much we can relate to despite all the supernatural stuff. a show that made us this beautiful selfless boy who's sadly known trauma since day 1 and to add up god didn't forbid him from falling in love with his best friend without even noticing for years and years. growing up together. growing distant as well. shoving feelings down. feeling wrong. then learning it doesn't have to be like that. learning that there's⊠hope.
and honestly it's fine not having endgame and shit (its not) (but also it is). it just sickens me how bonkers it is they made it so heâd reduce his first love ever to a crush with such stupid comparison. it's ten years.
tammy thompson doesn't know shit about robin. they didn't grew up together. they didn't do sleepovers to play and read and watch movies together. they didn't share a bed. they didn't even share any interests. they didn't protected and fought for each other. they were never friends at all in the first place.
they didn't know each other the way will knew mike and mike knew will. i could go on, and i dont mean to make less of robins feelings at ALL let alone her experience as a lesbian in the damn 80s for gods sake. it makes total sense tammy being robins crush. that one person you get excited and scared as hell to see at school and that you'd give everything to get noticed by. and here's the thing: sadly and honestly relatable af, robin didn't exist in tammyâs life. and tammy didn't exist in robins life at all too besides school and her dreams. an idealization - something i know so many of us can relate to as well.
it's just simply not the same with will and mike. it is so, so very different. mike doesn't only notices will. he knows him since they were 5. mike would recognize his fucking whimper over a walkie. ofc they went through changes and struggled with it, but they have something that's real. something tangible. they're friends. best friends.
and i know this isn't about me and my personal experience, but if we're talking about "being realistic", perhaps acknowledging your OWN CARACHTERS REALITY would simply feel more⊠honest.
it's been 12 years since i had my first love. 12 years since falling in love with the mentioned best friend of my own. another girl. a girl i grew up together and grew distance as well - that's okay, that's just life being life. it wasn't endgame for us, but i got my own after. but damn i'm 25 today and 12 years later i still remember it with this much clarity and longing even though we became different people with time. simply because how couldn't i? we were best friends. she was my first love. you don't forget how it felt like - or ever really get over it in some way, i guess. just because of how brand new and scary and lonely and gutting and all things at once it felt like. tammy thompson my ass man.
so yeah. i guess bottom lines duffer brothers and netflix are cowards and dishonest af to their own creation. no breaking news i guess.
