Things Left Unsaid

Female.22.NYC A safe place to confess all the things left unsaid. Ask Box is always open to submissions, advice, and general questions.

[mentalillnessmouse]

I suffer from an anxiety disorder and occasional depression. For years, the stress my body was under suppressed my hormones so that my cycles were less intense, and PMS was extremely rare. After a year and a half of therapy, two prescriptions, and 4-6 over-the-counter supplements, my internal chemistry is finally beginning to stabilize. But that means that I’ve begun to PMS again, and the mood swings are just as bad as the anxiety attacks. I feel like my body is going, “Oh hey! You’re not crying over everything all the time anymore! That’s awesome! Let’s celebrate by ÇRYIN̴G ̡OV͟E͞R ̴EVE̡RYT͞H͟INǴ ̸AL͏L OV̢ER ̕AGAI͞N̡!!!” At least it can be predicted almost down to the day, now…

[danceswithgrayness-deactivated2]

I feel like its hard for me to know what my sexuality is with having Dysthymia.

I don’t know if I enjoy being with a man, being with a woman, being with myself, or not being sexual at all.

[adeles]

[hiddenprincessa]

Unhidden: Mental Illness and Friendship

I've had a few confessions rattling around my head, but I always lose the courage to write them down.  I fear judgement, not just from anons who seem so desperate for my URL (seriously, what’s up with that?), but from my omnipresent friends.

Lately, I haven't felt close to anyone. I'm slow to heal and guarded. I'm held together by duct tape and miracles. They can see it. They don't acknowledge it. At least, not in my presence. It's not their fault. I'm not saying it's mine, either.

When you have a  mental illness, you are forever stuck in this paradigm. You are either fragile or in denial about your fragility. There is no in between. There is no “fine.” There is no allotment for the time you need to transition or process. To the world I’m either in shambles or I’m happily in denial and their counting the minutes til I come crashing down again.

So, when my best friend peers over at me every time a character appears on TV with my ex's name I turn to stone. I can't show any emotion. We don't speak about it. We don't speak about my emotions, thought I desperately want to. What no one speaks about when it comes to mental illness is how it robs you of your ability to trust. Through forcing you to feel stigmatized or judged because you process things a little differently, or you are more scar tissue than fresh cells.

Every day I lie to my friends. I put on a mask and pretend to be emotionally moved by their stuff, whether it’s happy or sad. Then, unfairly, when they withhold things from me I feel slighted. I feel as though they’re moving away from me and like I’ll become obsolete.

My mental illness makes me feel like an outsider with the people I love the most. I tell myself by being distant and putting on a show, I am protecting them. At the end of the day it is just my mental illness telling me that the best way not to suffer anymore than I already am is to put walls up. It isolates me. Belittles me. Makes me into someone I’m not. It constantly chips away at all the positive reinforcement that my friends give me. I let it take so much away from me but I always hope and wish with every fiber of my being that I’ll never get to the point where I will let it strip me of my friends. I don’t want it to strip me of the love I’ve been given.

It is difficult to keep my friends close. It is difficult to say “please stay, I don’t want to be alone.” It is difficult to have to explain to them that I have this little voice in my head that never shuts up. It constantly says “don’t answer the phone, leave the text and emails unread. Curl up with Netflix because you will forever be alone. You were meant to be alone. You are weak. You are unlovable.”

[hiddenprincessa]

friends?

Coming right up....as soon as I get to my laptop. Typing on a tablet doesn't work for me.

[hiddenprincessa]

Confession?

My head is in a jumble. Any suggestions on what I should divulge?

[hiddenprincessa]

I am more than just a broken person."

I wish I could believe this times other than when I'm trying to prove it to others.

[hiddenprincessa]

Unhidden: An Open Letter to a Guy

It's been 2 weeks and 1 day since you left me. You forgot some things. Some pieces of yourself. I find obscure items while going about my day. Sometimes it's a gift I've bought you that you've left behind. Other times it's the memory of something you said or did. Whether or not it was good. Whether or not it was intentional. I have this folder in my laptop with pictures of you, but no need to open it. Each one is burned in my mind. It's been 2 weeks and one day and you still haunt me. I see you in that hazy place between sleep and awake. I wait for you in my dreams. I still, out of habit, mention you when I talk about future kids and living arrangements. In my fantasies you are the guy that will be waiting for me at the end of the aisle. You'll be my first and only. I know it sounds stupid but my mind is in a rut. It's microscopically grooved like a record and the needle vibrates hope in the sound of your name. It's been 2 weeks and 1 day and I finally realized I can't close my eyes and will you away. I can't box you up and bury you in the deepest corners of my mind, next to the cobwebs and incest. I can't alter the memory of you, confuse you with a dream, lie and say we were nothing like I remembered. If I try, you rear your head in ugly ways. You left with parts of me and in return left parts of yourself that don't fill the empty slots. Your square pegs don't fit my round holes. I don't know if I want to exchange these pieces. I don't know if I want you to completely rid of me. I don't think I want to completely rid of you. I want to cross your mind from time to time and swell your heart with a love that others cannot compare to. I'm not saying I don't want you to love again, I'm saying I don't want you to stop loving me. I know it's selfish but it's been 2 weeks and 1 day since you left me here still loving you. Still missing you. Still wanting you back

[hiddenprincessa]

We're all responsible for our own baggage." .... Apparently this is something I need to internalize

[hiddenprincessa]

confession

I'll post one tomorrow. I have a few things I need to get off my chest 😢

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

The deepest fear we have, ‘the fear beneath all fears,’ is the fear of not measuring up, the fear of judgment. It’s this fear that creates the stress and depression of everyday life.

Tullian Tchividjian (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[cynicalfelines]

I feel like I’m not a part of anything, not even myself

Depression thoughts (via cynicalfelines)

[andhetakesandhetakesandhetakes]

hi!! ok so one of my goals for the new year is to work more in journals and sketchbooks. so recently i’ve been searching for resources to help me. i figured some other people might want to see the resources i found too, cause journals/sketchbooks are really cool but they can seem difficult and hard to get into. so i made this masterpost! i hope this helps anyone who’s interested and happy journaling!

get started

how to start a journal

journaling 101

art journaling 101

lots of blog posts about journaling

start a sketchbook

start a sketchbook and stick to it

what to put in a sketchbook

sketchbook ideas

random art prompt generator

giant list of sketchbook ideas

100 sketchbook ideas

149 sketchbook ideas

sketch using a grid

journaling ideas

119 journal prompts

365 journal writing ideas

journal prompts about memories

more ideas

ideas from keri smith (creator of wreck this journal)

one word prompts

50 art journal prompts

52 list prompts

101 list prompts

lists to keep updated

how to collage in your art journal

collaging 101

other masterposts like this one

how to begin journaling

what to put in notebooks

what to do with a new notebook

journaling ideas and inspiration

ok that’s all i’ve got! i hope some of these links and resources help, and have a great year!

[takenabackdrop]

mom,

sorry my mental illness is a burden on you

but i think its a bit more of a burden on me

[hiddenprincessa]

So fucking depressed....but the world doesn't stop for mood swings, my life can't either.

[hiddenprincessa]

I want to talk to him, bare my soul, and have him tell me it will be okay. Even if it won't, just talking to him about it makes it feel like it will.

[hiddenprincessa]

Unhidden: I'm Back at Square 1

I'm back with my ex and as we slowly and cautiously approach month 2 he's asked for space. Of course when he made this request I stared at my phone with astonishment all whist grinding my teeth into pearly white nubs. Within 15 seconds I came up with the most psychotic girlfriend reply I could imagine. We're in a LDR. We're separated by a state line and (on his part) unanswered texts. How much more space could he possibly need?

How dare he?! I asked myself. How fucking dare he come kick over the sand sculpted bridge I was building to get over him? After three months of sleepless nights, binge drinking, and falling apart in bathroom stalls at work I had managed to not think of him for 1 day and he destroyed that day (and my favorite Ellie Goulding song) with 4 little words...I still love you. That's all it took to collapse the bridge beneath my feet and plummet me into unknown territory. However, he's not all to blame. He admitted his wrongs and I mine. The choice to get back together was mine. Just because he asked didn't mean I had to say yes. It's not his fault that I can't say no to him.

So here we are 2 months later with a laundry list full of issues we need to work on but no agreed upon method to approach them. We know we need to work on communication but we have no set level that's comfortable for the both of us. Neither of us wants to be long distance but me trying to set a date to meet has been more annoying to him than indicative of me trying. Is it possible for such uncharted territory to be so familiar? Is it the same shit wearing a different disguise?

He's formally admitted to purposely not answering my texts and has asked me to stop texting him for awhile. How long is awhile? Don't know. I wanted to ask but that would have led to a fight. All I could think was why ask me back out and tell me he still loves me if he's not willing to work on us, after he told me he wanted to work on us. Did he just want to tell me he boned a chick while we were apart? (I already admitted I thought some pretty crazy things over 2 little sentences.)

Being an adult means dialing back the crazy and understanding that working on us can't just be on my terms. Additionally, they can't just be on his either. In our 5 years of being on again off again we've never established an equilibrium. He used to be open and vulnerable with me while I had walls up. Now the roles have switched.

I've always had this joke that we're MerDer. I'm dark and twisty Meredith Grey and he's my McDreamy. There's this line that McDreamy delivers to Meredith that she's always leaving him but he can't leave her. However, she's only ever dumped him once. He was always leaving her. Even when he stayed he was gone. He had these huge expectations of her and wanted her to grow faster than she knew how. And when she couldn't deliver, he would shut her out and resent her.

I can't give my boyfriend what he craves in the timeline he desires. I can't even begin to work on it because our communication sucks. We're back at square 1 but this time he's Meredith and I'm Derek.