@hobo-jack - Tumblr Blog

I’ll always be your fridge. Even in death.

Oh how stupid I was to think this true.

Over half a year later.. I’ve learned that I don’t think I want to be with anyone else, though that could change soon, but I know for damn certain I don’t ever want to be with you ever again.

You’ll never find the same person twice, even if you go looking for them in the same person. Wisdom I wish I had 6 years ago.

I’m better than I’ve ever been, and it seems that always happens when you’re not around. I hope you’re enjoying living off of your next victim till you suck them dry of all sanity and throw them to the curb, just like everyone else. You’re nothing, and I’m at peace with the fact that I fell in love with nothing. Because I’ve become something now that I don’t need you. I Am Something. Eventually I’ll even get rid of this blog, the one thing that still reminds me of what I wished for. Who I fell for. Why I stayed trapped and bonded for so long. The place we flourished and talked through posts to express our emotions. The one place you went to try and find me. Gone. I’m finally my own person, someone without all the trauma from you. All the pain and suffering. I’m finally free to be me again.

“I will lose you to someone better than me,

And I’ll swallow my ache,

Because your happiness was all I ever wanted.”

“I had this weird dream

I finally made peace

I made peace with what you did to me.”

“You held me so tightly

Like you knew you were going to lose me when you woke up

I cannot believe I will spend this lifetime without you.”

“Maybe in another life?”

Sadly we only get this one, my love. So here’s to never again, because I’ve learned my lesson. May the time we had haunt you forever. May you have the life you deserve. Let every memory of me taint your favorite things in honor of the abuse you put me through. To hope you get what you gave would be cruel, living with your shame is enough of a burden because you’ll never be able to atone for what you’ve done. From the bottom of my heart, I fucking loathe you.

From: The Sea

To: The Moon

“When I’m six feet under and the bugs are eating my heart, all they’ll taste is you, because even death can’t rot the pieces of you I buried inside me.

They’ll rip at the flesh on my cheeks and taste the tears I shed every night.

They will burrow into my eyes only to have their heads be filled with visions of you.

They’ll make their way to my brain in hopes for a sweet relief from the agony, only to be met with the memories I tried to forget, the pain I felt, the torture I endured, the love and the bliss I felt in between it all.

My ribs will become a cage for them, scared to venture further onto the skin you once touched.

This body was mine and it was beautiful, but now the bugs can’t even stomach how putrid it’s become.

The earth will drink my spite like medicine; grass will grow full and dark.

My soul will whisper in the wind like a sad song apologizing to the vessel for what it had to endure.

I gave all of my love, and the bugs will know this, isn’t that right moon?”

Three months.

Three months to forget your smell. To forget your taste. Is that really all it took? The memories of you are burned into my soul like a hole in the wall; I can fill it and paint over it but it’s still there forever. Seeing bits and pieces of you in every person I interact with. I still come to realizations of the ways you manipulated me or couldn’t stand the focus being on me so you would do whatever you could to make it on you to make me small. I hate that you were just a 12 year long lesson for me of what not to tolerate.

Now that I think about it, I haven’t forgotten your smell. Every time I’m in public and I smell your cigarette on another person it makes my whole body sink and start looking for you in fear that you’re there. I didn’t think I would fear you. I’m scared to face you ever again. I used to hope you would text or call me when you would to things like this in the past, but now it gives me a sinking feeling. The abuse was too much this go-around.

Maybe someday you’ll get the help you deserve. I won’t be there to see it though, not for you. I don’t want to be there anymore. No matter how much love I may have for you still, I’ve realized you were trying to tell me for a long time how awful of a person you were for me; I was just too hopeful that you cared more to change that aspect of yourself. The love I have for you is a bond built on lies and abuse, built on trauma and one sided hope. I can’t ever give that again to you or anyone.

Three months, and I feel more myself than I have in the last 5 years..

You can pretend to hate me all you want, but you don’t have the balls to block me on anything. You still follow me on here even, just so you can feel like you have your way back in. I can at least admit I’m weak and can’t block you, look at how much of my life you consumed. I am a shell of the person I could have been and I now have to figure out who I am without you. It’s hard and I’m doing a hell of a job at it though.

But you? You’re a coward putting on a show for others, only getting rid of me at face value for them.

You know you’re in the wrong. You know how fucked up what you’ve done was. You can try to keep all the avenues you want open, none of them will work anymore. You’ve used up your welcome. I don’t have to hope for anything like revenge or karma on you, because I know that every single day you have to live with the fact that you completely ruined my mental state with psychological torture for over a decade to the point of forcing me to physically harm myself, and hurt our son mentally as well. You’re just as fucked up as the day I met you, and you’ll never change I fear. You’ll forever be a stain on your family name. Just a back stabbing, two faced, disappointment that cares about no one.

You’re your own karma, and all you did was set me free. Free from the psychological torture, financial struggles, the mental abuse, the sexual abuse, all of it. I’m finally free.

Random thoughts all at once. Because it’s easier this way than 1,000 posts.

I will regret and be bitter and hate you until I find peace. I’m close I know, I think less and less about you each day that you’re gone. It’s easy when you spend years being abused by someone to want to forget them.

My love for you has aged like milk in the sun.

Is it talking me with? Am I rotting away too? Maybe I’m doomed to feel this way forever. I’m unsure, nor do I feel like I care if it did.

Something I never thought would waiver or disappear, is slowly fading away.

Sadly it’s spoiled in the blistering heat of the realization that you never were the person you told me you were.

You’re just a mess. Spoiled love in the blistering heat of truth. A regret. Funny, I never thought I would regret you. You were my everything. Your lies became my hope, your abuse was my salvation. I thought I was only worth the pain you put me through.

Oh, a lover and a friend, a soul tie that will forever remain just a stain on the fabric of my time here.

Undoubtedly I’ll become the person I was meant to. Free of abuse; free of the trauma. You won’t have hold of me much longer, your true colors are shit and I see them.

The truth is, you’ll always have a part of me. I hate it. I hate you for it. I hate the color purple. I hate rock and metal music. I hate mtn dew. I hate vampires and sad songs and hot fries. I hate ice cream kisses and the moon. God I fucking hate the moon. I hate everything that made you, you. Because you made me hate myself for almost half my life. Everything about myself that I hated stemmed from what you did to me. I can’t even remember half of what you’ve done because my brain has been fighting with me to block it out. It now comes to me in nightmares since you left. The looks of anger and disgust on your face that I always blocked out. The tone you convinced me was nothing. Convincing me to hurt myself or you would kill yourself if I didn’t. Abusing me day after day till I was nothing but a shell. Slammed doors in my face, nights where I was on my hands and knees begging you to help me with tears staining my cheeks to stop causing me so much pain. You didn’t care because it just made you feel good to see me so hurt. Almost annoying someone wanted you so badly. The eye rolls, the ghosting, the gaslighting.

Maybe I don’t want to heal; this pain is the last link to you that I have. The last link to what I’ve lost. It’s not like I could ever get rid of you. Your fingerprints are seared onto my heart. I feel all of the love and hatred you poured into me in my bone marrow. You’re my oldest friend, my most sacred love. I will treasure you and burry you deep into the sands of my existence. Where light will never see us again. I am me and me alone. There is no more you. I still come home with things to tell you. The things you never cared to hear about but I was so excited to share. I hope my absence gives you the peace my love was never able to it seems.

You will never be unloved by me, but you will also never escape the hatred I have for you. You are too tangled in my soul in both regards. I miss you because I actually cared about you. This too will pass one day. I feel pathetic for still loving you. All I can do is remember, this feeling too will pass.

I hope my name forever burns in the throat of your soul. I’m bitter and I should be. Go bald babe.

12/22/24. You broke character for a moment; the mask fell. You admitted it all for a moment. I thought that maybe there was some hope that you were still in there.. you saw who you had become and what you were doing to me and you wanted different. It was just covert future faking, making me think things would be better till you found a new supply that you hadn’t damaged.

You never started back to therapy till 3/26/25. 3 months later. The appointment before that was on 12/3/24. You stopped going, told me you would go because you knew how awful you were being, and then left 2 months later after continuing to treat me wrong and after only an added three sessions of couples therapy. You wanted me to go through over 6 months of the abuse and pain you talked about knowing you were causing me (not including the years of it beforehand) and not be worn down by it? Not be tired and fed up by all of your actions? You didn’t even want to continue couples therapy. You didn’t even go back to your therapist till 4/23/25. So much for going to therapy to get better right?

5/7/25. “We are getting a divorce”. It’s so easy for you to say it over and over again isn’t it? Third times the charm huh? In 2.5 years of marriage all you did was threaten to leave me. Use me and my family to do whatever you wanted in life, cheat on me with anyone that you wanted. Abuse me. You took my son away from me. You turned me wanting him to have a home cooked meal and to be home with family and stick to his co parenting plan that you were willing and wanting to do, into a “threat to take him away from you”. I’m not like you. If I was going to take him away I would have when you left him with me for a month so you could run off and blow all of your money and live a child free life living with your friend an hour away from us. But I never did. I never took him away when you got hospitalized. I never took that boy away from you or called you a bad mom. And yet you turn around and project your poor qualities onto me. Taking him away? The only person that did that was you. You took him from everything he knows in life. You hurt him because you used up your welcome and didn’t want to fix it. You ruined any thought in my head that you’re a decent human being. Scream I’m not his dad to try and hurt me all you want, he calls me dad and that’s what matters. What he thinks matters, not you. You’ll never heal and never have the precious good life you want. You’re turning 30 and don’t have a pot to piss in and your only way to fix things is bleed people dry by taking their money.

You remind me of your mother. Using people left and right, never treating your dad how he deserved, only wanting things out of life, never caring who she hurt along the way. Using her own children as pawns in her schemes to get what she wanted. Your mother would be so proud. You’re just like her.

Your father? Disappointed.

5/17/25. You left it on the desk? Really? You’re going to put that you crave someone on a note and receive a note back about them craving you too, and just leave that out to be found? You’re delusional. You are cheating and I knew it. You can’t hide it. You’re the same old worthless trash you’ve always been. I have no respect for you anymore. I can’t wait for you to leave. I hope you give her what you gave your last ex. What you almost gave your neighbor. Yeah, I’ve been talking with people outside of you and I’ve found out some things that even you never told me. More cheating you did on people that aren’t me.

5/23/25. We’re harboring sentimental items now? Blaming me for losing it when you had it the whole time? You’re just like your ex trying to keep things that aren’t yours. Another difference between you and I, I don’t want your things anymore. I’m moving them out of the room when I get the chance. I need my own space. A month of living with you when you’ve said you want a divorce and that you’re leaving and moving away yet you haven’t packed anything? I can’t take it anymore. I need to start healing from the torture. You couldn’t even type right when trying to lie about having the blanket piece. You said things don’t just fall out of a wallet like that, and you’re right they don’t. It didn’t. You left for a different state and it was magically sitting on my nightstand when I went in the bedroom, the exact thing I told you not to do. Just more manipulation. You didn’t think I would go looking for it did you. Find more notes from you cheating.

5/29/25. I found the letter you wrote me in mid April. Around the 21st, you got sick on the 18th. Why shove this in a pile of paperwork I had to go through instead of giving it to me? The most depressed you’ve ever been in your life? Why not go to therapy like you said..? Or at least actually tell me and not hide it? You need grief counseling so badly.. you’re crying for help and then pushing me away as far as you can just like 2023.

6/20/25. You’ll never redeem yourself in my eyes. I forgive myself for putting up with this. You always told me you would make me hate you if you were leaving me for good. Well you did a good job of that. Taking my son away, trying to get alimony out of me, lying on divorce papers and to the people in your life about the issues between us. Abusing me for years from talking me into harming myself as kids to psychologically torturing me for 5+ years. You’ll spend the rest of your life suffering. And I’m glad you will. You’ll never have me again. I won’t live my life like your dad did, stuck with your mom. You need help and I won’t suffer anymore. You deserve to be alone for the rest of your life. No one deserves the pain you’ve put everyone through. The truth always comes out. I’m sorry for you no longer, I’m sorry to my past self for ever putting up with your abuse. But I’m stronger now than I ever was. You get no credit, because I’m doing this all my own. You did things to me I would never do under any circumstances to anyone. Have fun with the pathetic excuse of a life you’ll always have. There’s no door anymore for you. The keys are gone, there’s cement blocks where a door frame used to be. You can choke on the leftover cement.

All I can do is cry

And cry

Because you’ll never come back. And I can never let you back in. So I’ll scream and cry every night in agony till the pain consumes my soul the very same as you do my love. Till the void that was once full of you, becomes full again, hoping I don’t lose myself before then. I’ve lost everything. You’ve taken everything from me. You took our child away from me. I’ll never be the same. We will never be the same. My heart will forever ache for you, but this pain will be easier. If it not, then let it take me. Six feet below you. Below the moon.

For I am the sea, pulled and pushed by you. And you are the moon, forever controlling me. There’s a reason you love the moon so much and I fear the ocean with every fiber of my being, but love it so.

Drowning in the grief of the living. Secluded. Agony. Torture.

Homesick.