I'm into Hockey now

I'm not happy about it, thanks a lot. Caps, Pens, and Omgcp.

[lesbian-stick-handling]

Interviews with hockey players are fantastic, because it is a complex game that can be spoken about at length, but during the intermission they'll find the Wettest player imaginable on the losing team and for thirty seconds they'll ask them things like "what do you need to do to get more pucks in the net?" And the player (panting, haunted behind the eyes) says something like "well, we've got to get them in there"

[skullism]

the full newsletter from ngozi ukazu that dropped today, for anyone who didn't get it! <3

+ the vanity fair article

[loveliesttime]

my friends r sending me heated rivalry clips of a player kissing his bf (?) on national tv after winning the cup and all i can think of was wow that also happened to my close personal friends jack and bitty

[dodgeaudge]

check, please! did give me false expectations of hockey. when i found out that d-men aren't all weird symbiotic boyfriends with homosexual tension i was heartbroken, what's even the point

[teluete]

"...Here we have two magnificent specimens of the Canadian Hockey Robot." — Ransom & Holster, probably

[gaysie]

went to my first nhl game tonight

[habken]

guy watching heated rivalry for the fantasy of a canadian team winning the playoffs

[hockeybaka]

Lol

[biblionerd07]

Jack would’ve been happy to see more focus on hockey and some pre-game rituals (hashtag myrituals) in this episode of Heated Rivalry but he would be AGHAST at the pre-game sex. “Bits, did he even take a nap??? Why did he have sex before the game??? His quads and glutes are going to be worn out already!!! This is why he’s in a scoring slump, Bits!!!” He’s so worked up Bitty has to take him for a walk around the block to calm him down.

[hockeybaka]

At this point I have no choice but to believe that Trouba has dirt on Gary Bettman because what the fuck was that

[thisfeebleheart]

insp. by @erisenyo

[hockeybaka]

Damn, someone might need to make a welfare check on the Sharks. What we did to them wasn't right lol.

[hockeybaka]

Watching on the spanish broadcast because I don't have access to the english one? And I gotta say, calling us the Los Capitals (Cap-ee-talls) sounds way better.

[generalghosty]

one of the top-five funniest things in check please is that ollie and wicks were a couple the whole time and seemingly no one noticed.

[abyssaldyke]

*smirking* you couldn't waterboard that out of me, but even if torture was an effective method of information extraction and not a futile display of state-sanctioned sadism, the high percentage of false confessions it produces would mean that even if you could waterboard it out of me, could you even trust the veracity of my statement?

[golden-knights-of-the-realm]

Caps posted their schedule with their opponents as jelly cats

Link to Twitter Post

[ohyoufool]

Putting my Jack and Bitty wedding staff AU in a blender on high and walking away:

Jack Zimmermann, noted editorial wedding photographer who trained under Annie Leibovitz (gasp)

Eric bittle, founder and head chef at one of the most highly requested catering companies in New England

Lardo is jack's second shooter and usually captains a film camera while jack shoots digital

Shitty, local ordained minister, law school dropout, frequently viral on tiktok for his heartwarming ceremonies and iconic flow

dex, chowder, and nursey working under bitty to varying levels of chaos. and that means one time bitty got a call from them on the side of the road trying to hitchhike with a cake to boston bc they got a flat tire.

anyways jack and bitty ALWAYS end up at the same events. to bitty's incandescent rage, because when he was still new to the industry and overbooking himself like crazy, he was running late to a wedding one time and jack parked his stupid car in the catering spot. and bitty couldn't find him to move it so he had to carry EVERYTHING and dropped a tray of appetizers on the floor. he cried in a puddle of bruschetta and the olive oil stains never came out of that pair of jeans. jack walked by, stared at him, and then kept going. and EVER SINCE THEN bitty has been Mortal Enemies with Jack Zimmermann, photographer, hot guy, parking spot stealer.

Jack doesn't help this by being any less awkward. he doesn't really know what to do with bitty, who always has gorgeous food but is running around the kitchen at subtronic speeds and jack is always ABSOLUTELY LOCKED IN when he's at work. if it is not in his viewfinder, he does not see it.

(read: this feud is deeply one-sided)

however.

bitty's good friend lardo who has worked as jack's second shooter is GETTING MARRIED. SURPRISE! bitty is like "I will avoid actively lightly undersalting the food I make for staff at events just to piss him off. I can put this behind us."

he is Formally Introduced to Jack at a very fancy wedding in the Hamptons that they are all there for the full weekend of. jack is super #awk. turns out lardo is marrying his ex girlfriend camilla.

ENTER. SHITTY BYRON KNIGHT. officiant of the wedding who is there playing the role of camp counselor to 75 uber-rich wedding guests while a beautiful lesbian art mogul and a professional tennis player are getting married and oblivious to all the mayhem happening around them.

bitty runs out of mint for mint julips and doesn't have a car. doordash won't deliver. he's PANICKING. jack offers to take him to the grocery store. instead of the car (evil, bitty's mortal enemy for aforementioned reasons) jack hops on a MOTORCYCLE and tosses bitty on the back and they literally speedrun the corner store for herbs. dinner is saved and bitty's hair has never looked worse but. whatever. jack must not be that bad, after all.

and then bitty is struggling to get a good video of himself assembling breakfast the next morning, and jack comes in and wordlessly takes his phone and films a GREAT VIDEO. which shouldn't be surprising, but bitty is surprised anyway.

shitty gives half the wedding party edibles and everyone starts STARVING. shitty is too high to solve this problem. bitty and jack jump in all-hands on deck to make as many dinosaur nuggets and pizza rolls possible. horror story: grocery store is out of ranch. jack comes in clutch and hand whisks a gallon of the stuff with his big strong biceps that bitty does NOT stare at through his shirt.

so the feud is over. jack zimmermann, against all odds, seems to actually kind of be a nice guy, who is tall and sweet. they go swimming in the ocean with the rest of the folks working the wedding when everyone else has gone to bed. they get drunk on the roof. they discuss taboo topics including how bitty was once runner up on chopped and gets SO mad he lost in the dessert round that he crashes out every time it is brought up. jack laughs and is like "at least you aren't getting paid to shoot your ex girlfriends' wedding." and bitty is staring at him with moons in his eyes and then comes crashing back down to earth because RIGHT. jack zimmermann may be nice and take him to fancy grocery stores and help him polish water spots off glasses and taste test his lamb sauce, but he is still STRAIGHT.

bitty: *heart breaking live in front of everyone* so like um how is that

jack: "I think I only dated her to get over my ex boyfriend"

bitty: *to the tune of YMCA* THIISS MAN IS GAAAY

so he laughs it off and everyone ends up going inside eventually and bitty stays awake and stares at the ceiling in "jack zimmermann is bisexual" font for 8 hours.

and then. *alanis morissette voice* RAAAAAIN ON YOUR WEDDING DAY!

days of setup and bitty planning ways to keep liquid nitrogen bubbles on cocktails for nOTHING. wedding = moving inside. bitty is clearing the library shelves to create silverware rolling stations. jack is cursing about not bringing a rain shield and they fasten one out of piping bags and meat twine. the whole atlantic ocean is roiling outside while camilla and lardo giggle over tea and talk about how it looks like a Rembrandt Van Rijn outside.

spoiler: NO ONE ELSE IS AMUSED. EVERYONE IS FREAKING THE FUCK OUT.

the rare mushrooms that bitty orders as the main dish GET THEIR CARDBOARD BOX RAINED ON and they are no longer safe to eat. he is freaking out. they go to a gas station and all they have left is hot dogs. bitty is like "buy them all" and gets back to the hotel and is like "lardo I am about to ruin your wedding" and lardo is like "are you kidding me WE LOVE HOT DOGS"

against ALL ODDS and everything going 500 shades of wrong again, everyone manages to crowd into the hotel atrium in a venue and bitty makes hot dogs and his grandmas coleslaw and baked beans and it ends up being the happiest he's ever seen his guests eating his food.

and after all of it is done and they're tipsy on a few glasses of champagne and misty eyed about lardo and leaning against the back of the room while everyone gets down to low by flo rida in this expensive ass hotel when Jack puts his camera down suddenly and turns to bitty and asks him to dance.

THERE THEY ARE. formerly venue #enemies now #bonded by their mutual love for their friends and two left-feeting their way across the dance floor to 2010 frat music and bitty looks up into Jack's big ol cow eyes and is like "I could kiss him right now."

It's like Jack can read minds. He leans in, wraps a hand around Bitty's jaw, and kisses him like he means it.