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[hollyida]

The Ramp to Oblivion

I’ve been finding myself stuck lately. Like…I stop where I am and I can’t move at that moment. I can feel this darkness fall over me and when I’m able to put one step in front of the other again, I feel heavy. Sometimes I’m sitting at my desk at work or on the couch at home and I appear to be lost in thought. Yet it’s more that I’m trying not to cry because I’m feeling everything that I’ve lost…

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[hollyida]

The Scream

While on my way to work the other day, I was sitting at a stop light when I started to hear some kind of high-pitched…noise? Music? Birds? I shut off my audio book and listened more closely. I looked in my rear view mirror and realized it was the driver in the white truck behind me. She was screaming. She wasn’t singing. She wasn’t talking loudly or yelling at someone. She was screaming. I think…

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[hollyida]

Our Dying Checklist

I absolutely LOVE checklists. On the weekend when I’m trying to figure out what I need to get done, I make a delightful list of cleaning chores along with running or walking, writing, and even reading a book. It’s all stuff I need to or want to get done. Am I a nerd? Obviously. As I’ve helped folks with their end-of-life planning, I’ve created checklists that includes tasks like working on their…

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[hollyida]

Losing Your Independence Days

As my husband’s health declines, so does his independence. He recently looked through our closet and took out a bunch of clothes that he used to wear to work. He doesn’t need them anymore nor do they fit him. He’s lost nearly 60 pounds since he wore those clothes. As he looked at all the pants and shirts he no longer needed, he got really sad. He said he felt like he was losing some of his…

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[hollyida]

What We've Learned So Far in Hospice

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[hollyida]

"I don't think I'll see another winter"

A lot has gone on in our little home over the past few weeks. We were told by the hospice nurse how my husband will die—one of two ways. A massive heart attack will take him out quickly or he’ll slowly die as his body fills up with fluid and both walking and breathing will be tremendously difficult. The latter is already happening but medications are still able to help with the fluid. That won’t…

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[hollyida]

Canceling Plans

I facilitate a grief book group at my work. Because of the group and because of my interests, I’m always reading about death, dying and grief. This past month we discussed “The Grieving Brain : the surprising science of how we learn from love and loss” by Mary-Frances O’Connor. It’s absolutely fascinating! I have post-it notes all through the book, marking phrases and words I didn’t know but now…

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[hollyida]

The "Firsts" of Living with the Dying

I started an HSA (health savings account) last month. While at the credit union filling out paperwork, the agent asked me who I wanted as the beneficiary on my account. I sat frozen for a few minutes. She said, “Do you just want to add your husband or…you don’t have to!” I stuttered for a second then said, “My husband is dying. I guess I better put my son down as the beneficiary.” It was a weird…

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[hollyida]

The Upcoming Year

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[hollyida]

Always Hovering

On December 10th, Sophie Kinsella died at the age of 55. She was a bestselling novelist who wrote the “Shopaholic” series. Her real name was Madeleine Wickham. She wrote a few novels under that name, too. She had 5 children, a husband and countless friends and fans. When I read the news of her death, one of my staff and I made a quick “In Memoriam” display at the library. A few hours later I was…

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[hollyida]

Preparation May Be My Anti-Anxiety Drug

My brother died 100 months ago today (8.25 years). Is it weird that I know this? Kinda. But it is what it is. I recently met a man whose wife died less than a year ago. If you would ask how he was doing, the first thing he’d say was how long it has been since his wife died. That was the first gauge he’d use to test his well-being. Instead of “My knees hurt” or “My head doesn’t hurt today” it was…

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[hollyida]

Soul Weary

“All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.” –Ellen Glasgow I talked with a library patron yesterday, whose partner died a while back. She asked me how my husband was doing and I replied honestly. “Not great.” She said, “I know what it’s like to watch someone die, inch by inch. It’s wearing, isn’t it?” We went on to talk about the exhaustion our bodies can feel in times like this,…

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[hollyida]

The Lies Doctors Tell Us

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I wrote much of the following piece months ago but decided to wait to see how it turned out before finishing. I missed y’all. Each time my husband takes a shower, I stay in our bedroom next to the bathroom. If he’s having a particularly unsteady day, I hover in the doorway. I started doing this sometime last year because he asked me to. Now I do it for…

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[hollyida]

Death, Dying, and Remembrance Week

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[hollyida]

Show some compassion, Asshole

When someone says “libraries,” what’s the first thing you think of? Books? Women wearing glasses with their hair in a bun? Computers? If you’ve visited one lately, you might think about children’s story times or author talks or programs on cooking or even writing your obituary. What about bottled water for people experiencing homelessness? Maybe even a snack? Resources for local shelters and…

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[hollyida]

What's Your Reality Like?

I’m a librarian. A good one. I’ve worked in libraries now for 28 years, and I wish I could tell you I got into this profession because I wanted to help people. Nope! I was on the cusp of getting my BFA in Creative Writing with a concentration in Poetry. I had no job prospects but to help manage the video store I had been working in since high school. What the fuck was I going to do? My job…

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[hollyida]

A Nearly Perfect Day

Today is not a perfect day, but it’s had some tremendously wonderful moments. Today has been about running, reading, writing, walking, and treating myself well–hence the drink made of raspberry puree, limoncello and lemon sorbetto. At home, a salad for lunch must be followed by a delicious drink. Pretty sure that’s a rule. My son is home sick today, which is why it isn’t the perfect day. …

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