Merry xmas! ❄
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
d e v o n

#extradirty
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hello vonnie
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almost home
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cherry valley forever
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i don't do bad sauce passes
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@hollykins7
Merry xmas! ❄
It's fall y'all
I have so many questions
In the name of everything decent in this world, you have got to turn the sound on.
The Avengers getting thrown forward in time for some reason and it turns out that they’ve gone down in history as legends but, somewhat like the Greek Gods, all the information and facts about them is warped almost beyond recognition and they spend the entire time in the future just being offended by how incorrect everything is
Steve: Okay so there is NO WAY they seriously think that the serum turned me into a FISH for seven hundreds years so I could survive under the fucking ice. And why the FUCK are they spelling my name as ‘Stiphin’ ??????
Tony: Well according to this history book I fucked my way through the entire population of New York and was the father of every second-generation superhero. Does that make me Zeus?
Thor, squinting at the drawings: Why do I look like Rapunzel
History Professor: And, one of the most powerful heroes of all, called himself king of the insects. With eight arms & six eyes and the chosen name of Lord Peterson, this ruler once set an army of poisonous spiders upon his mortal enemy after finding out that she had killed his family and stolen the woman he loved. It is thought that the lands were infested with spiders for years after, as a warning to anyone who attempted to challenge him
Peter, 15 years old, remembering how he can’t even pick up a spider without screaming: I did what now
This is the kind of quality content I come here for.
It’d be even funnier if Clint’s mythology is ridiculously accurate and he’s still just a regular man fighting amongst Gods.
For all the 'earth is space australia' people out there; what would aliens think of this?
Note that the picture is from twitter
if yall fuckers dont love this hellscape of a planet enough already, have a look at this beautiful affront to god. This is too intense to exist within any realm of reason, and yet it does. Amazing.
Shout out to @parmentercraige for reminding me it's our anniversary and also ruining the diet again 😅🤦 #notcomplaining #gitinmybelly Turkey leg, chippies and crispy onion things 👌 🍗 all washed down with some chilled rosé in this bloody annoying heat 🌞 Points : unknown Fucks given : absolute zero #WellnessThatWorks #WeAreWW #wwuk #wwfamily #wwflex #wwsupport #smartpoints #theflexeffect #wwcommunity #wwphotoaday #wwfreestyle #cheatlife #cheeky #cheatday (at Smoke BBQ Sheffield) https://www.instagram.com/p/B1rSlyMhXWW/?igshid=1v754ytefx895
No mammy! No more workings 💻 only cuddles 🤗 #jug #jugsofinstagram #puppiesofinstagram #blackdogsrule #dogsofsheffield #blackdogsofinstagram #jackrussellsofinstagram #pugsofinstagram #juglife #goodboy #goodboys #pug #puglife https://www.instagram.com/p/B1ZnbBfhagc/?igshid=1pgs8z2k50l3u
pride month edition ↣ raymond holt 🏳️🌈
https://www.instagram.com/chelseagraves/
some fucking resources for all ur writing fuckin needs
body language masterlist
a translator that doesn’t eat ass like google translate does
a reverse dictionary for when ur brain freezes
550 words to say instead of fuckin said
638 character traits for when ur brain freezes again
some more body language help
Special ops in space part 1
Decided to hop on the humans are space orcs band wagon. My take on how aliens contacted humans and how it went from there from a slightly more militaristic and scientific approach. —————- The day that the Intergalactic Alliance for Planetary Peace (jokingly called the APP by the younger generation, quoting an old saying “there’s an app for that”) was five years after all of the nations had declared world peace after the bloodiest war yet. Half of the human population had been decimated by everything but nuclear bomb, every world leader had decided that enough was enough.
They had showed up at one of the council meetings that take place on a different continent every month to discuss less pressing matters. It almost ended horribly, an unknown group of entities showing up where all of the world leaders had congregated, but through fast talking on the alien’s part and the vow to be more peaceful beings earlier made by the humans, everything ended up going well.
Which lead to the current situation. While they may claim to be more peaceful, humans are still wary of areas where none of them had been before. So, along with a team of top scientists and medical staff, there went a team of the top 6 military personnel. Three from assorted American special ops, one from Norway, one from Canada, and the last from Poland. When questioned by the members of the A.P.P, the leaders stated that there was absolutely no way in hell they were allowing their top people into an unknown area without protection. The warriors on the ship, when they heard this, laughed. How could a squishy group of mud covered savages that haven’t even reached outside of their own solar system could really do anything?
This was an opportunity for the researchers of the Alliance to study the surprisingly hardy species as well. They were surprised that these soft creatures were the top of the food chain, even with everything, including their own atmosphere, trying to kill them. So the ship of researchers set off into deep space to discover new planets and to discover more about each other.
The first meeting was terrifying. Three soldier were the first on the ship, no emotion showing on their faces, heavy exoskeleton like armor surrounding what they assumed covered their vital regions, and more sleek looking weapons than seemingly possible. Many were happy that the scientists did not look the same, though some did look just as serious while others were gaping in awe. Then, three more of the heavily armed men followed.
It was a tense two days on the ship for the aliens. The human soldiers inforced the fact that they were a predator species by prowling around the entirety of the ship minus the private chambers. Though they weren’t too sure that they haven’t been there but went when nobody was watching. Soon though, the soldier lessened the amount of firepower they had on them and lightened the amount of armor they had on. In the communal rations center they were seen slightly separated from the other humans, sitting in a tight group and bearing their teeth at one another, rapidly switching languages to communicate. The human designated Sara, specializing in chemistry, explained to Gumantal (a poor pronunciation of him true name, but the sounds needed to actually speak it would ruin a human throat so he allowed it) that the team came from different ‘countries’ that have different languages and sometime dialects, and that the entire team had learned each other’s and many other languages in order to communicate with other humans. When asked why not simply use a translator device, such as the one they were using right now, the human female bared her teeth and stated that it was better for them to do their jobs if they didn’t need one. She went on to explain that even if they couldn’t speak it, they were well on their way to learn each of the other species on the ship’s language.
Gumantal apologized afterwards for upsetting her with his questions, then asked what he did to offend her. Humans were an intricate species of primitive life form so they wanted to avoid any tensions early on. Sara and all of the other researchers bared their teeth this time, reassuring the brave many armed alien that they were not angry, the bared teeth was called a smile and it showed amusement or joy. The forest green alien walked away, bewildered.
It was sometime later that those on the ship learned that the soldiers were composed of both males and females. When asked why the males did not do everything in their power to protect the biologically weaker, less muscular birth givers, Human Victor bared his teeth for the first time and seemed to bark harshly.
“I dare you to ask Oliver that! She’d rip yer mandibles off and feed ‘em to ya! Lyne would as well, now that I think about it. One thing you need to learn about humans, women are supposedly weaker than us men but they can still kick ass.”
A shaking Xiloiy later learned from Human designation William, occupation physicist that the barking was laughter, and that yes, human females stand on equal ground to the males of the species. This puzzled him as he came from a race that protected the bearers of his species to ensure the continued survival. Human William barked, laughed, at this when he stated it, shaking his head. Xiloty is still perplexed as to why.
All aliens on the ship were confused by their new companions and were curious as to how they would handle being a foreign planet with life for the first time. This was also the time that Xiloiy began to make a journal on the habits and any other information on humans, fearing having his outer mandibles ripped off as they were crucial to attracting a mate.
The special ops team assigned to protect the crew as well as gathering intel on everything they could were anxious as well, packing everything they may need for a worst case scenario. The warrior species that were to protect the crew and ship originally were insulting them when they believed the humans were not paying attention, mocking the useless item that would only tire them out. The ops team knew though that if push came to shove that they would be the ones to survive. After all, they’ve had to survive worse than some unknown territory. They were all highly trained to be able to conquer situations like that. Colonel Victor Kelly would make damn sure his people made it through this.
What if a lot of alien species didn’t actually evolve as pack species, and just adapted to living in communities out of necessity? So they can still work and live together, but they don’t have all the little instincts humans have that help them work in a group.
And they are freaked out by us.
We all wear the same clothes. It’s not a uniform— we just somehow all seem to like roughly the same outfits. We fit in so naturally with the people around us that you can use a human’s clothing to tell what country and what time period they are from. Aliens have no idea how we know what clothes are appropriate— they end up having to hire humans to act as fashion consultants after several incidents where diplomats showed up wearing mismatched clothes from various time periods and countries and looking totally ridiculous.
And what about yawning? Aliens who work on human ships say they never fully get used to hearing one human yawn and then having the whole room start yawning along with them. Or telling a joke to one human and seeing humans who say they don’t find the joke that funny cracking up anyway because “their laugh is so infectious!” It’s a common practical joke to tell new nonhuman crew members about this horrible disease humans get, where they feel tired and have an uncontrollable urge to open their mouths. It’s deadly, they say, and very contagious.
New safety procedures have to be worked out for the humans because, on the one hand, you don’t have to go around telling each individual to leave. Humans will just follow the mob. On the other hand, though, you have to be careful not to spread panic, because if one human runs, they all will, and they’ll trample anyone who isn’t fast enough to stay ahead.
Aliens hear humans tell their kids not to give into peer pressure and just get really confused. “Why would they do it if they don’t want to?”
“Because their friends are telling them to do it!”
“But why do it just because they’re telling them to do it?”
“Because they’re their friends!”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
When aliens see earth movies about people being indoctrinated or turned into zombies, it takes them a while to realise that these are horror movies because, from their perspective, that’s just what humans are like.
Humans Are Weird - Teenagers
So, I love this tag and I’ve been endlessly scrolling through it and I realised that, in this tag, it’s always adults that they hang out with, so how would they react to children. Like, can you imagine?
“So, I heard you’ve finally taken my advice and recruited a human for your team?”
“Oh, yes. The human I have selected seemed particularly excited to come into space for the first tim-“
“Excuse me? First time? Humans are required to go into space at least once before they turn into adults and after they are sixteen! What human have you recruited?”
“I have recruited a girl called Katie Clarke and she is twelve sun-cycles old. She is very athletic and will be serving as encouragement for our team and designing our uniforms.”
“Oh no.”
“What is it? Is she going to be like those other humans in your crew that taped knives to your cleaning bot that stabbed your young human’s ankles?”
“No. Well, yes, probably, but that isn’t it. As you know, We have two young humans. The most notable is Rainbow. Her full name is Rainbow Skele and she is thirteen sun-cycles old and she writes that human ‘fiction’. She writes fantasy, horror and this thing called ‘fanfiction’, which is writing about a fiction series that already exists. She writes all our logs.”
“What’s bad, then?”
“There is this website that Rainbow and her best friend Andi refer to as ‘Blue Hell’ and they are totally obsessed with it. The two girls on our ship have not used this other thing I have heard of but there is this thing called SELFIE and Captain Twalkark of Cinibarb Fleet #7 claims that some of the adult humans on his ship constantly uses but he once met some young humans on Fleet #3 of Bantot that were even worse. They even used this so-called SELFIE technology on the Crown Prince of Zalsark.”
“Is this part of the story where they picked up the Crown Prince to coo at him?”
“Yes, sadly.”
“Shall I terminate this new human’s contract?”
“No, don’t worry. Your new human will serve as… entertainment for you. Just make sure to steer-clear of any knife-wielding auto-cleaners.”
“You are not making me feel any better, Captain.”
“Don’t worry, humans are honestly fi-”
“OH MY GOD, CAPTAIN, ANDI PUT A FORK ON THE AUTO-CLEANER! YOU HAVE GOT TO SEE THI-”
Call Terminated
“Captain, this is operator 379C-AP92 from monitoring station GZ-9W. There is an unauthorized FTL signature in your sector.”
“Point of origin?”
“It appears to be from an ascendant species, GZ-S113.”
“Status on the species?”
“This is their second detected FTL jump. The first was intercepted and inducted, per standard procedure. Initial investigation determined that the jump was intentional, and that the species is ready for full induction.”
“And now that a second jump has been detected, you’re contacting the nearest interceptor captain - me - to bring them into the fold.”
“Correct. You have far greater than normal allowances for reinforcements, as well. The occupants of the first ship showed surprising mental fortitude, and proved to share some sort of limited, communal hivemind.”
“Understood. Mind giving me those coordinates?”
“Control system engaged. Coordinates provided, target intercept calculated and locked. FTL jump initiating in 3… 2… 1…”
—
“All right crew, you have your targets?”
“Yes, sir!”
“Good! Punch through and get us in. Surprising fortitude or not, a small crew like that won’t compare to the mental assault of seasoned interceptors.”
—
As I stepped forward, the uneven terrain crunched beneath my feet. The entire landscape seemed to be made of trash and debris, though I couldn’t make out any details through the thick mist covering it. Above me words rushed through the air, interspersed with colors, lights, sounds, and the occasional smell. They all moved a mile a minute, though one would occasionally stop, scan around, then dive and grab something from the ground around me.
I stilled myself, calmed my own thoughts, and prepared an attack. A simple opening salvo, really. Suggestions of passivity, commands to relinquish control. The vast majority of races fall to those alone.
Then, for just a moment, everything sped up and stopped. The words turned, blinked, and glared at me.
“YOU. THIS IS YOUR FAULT!”
A hand grabbed me from behind, sank into my neck and reached into my skull. Cold, hot. I was everything, nothing. When I got back up and looked around, I was in an ancient forest, surrounded by nothing but the sounds of the world.
“Is anyone there?”
A shaking, chattering sound rose up all around me, then died down again.
“Anyone?”
Eyes blinked from the shadows as the chittering, chattering surrounded me once more.
“I know you can hear me! I am your captain! Respond!”
The forest seemed darker, somehow. The eyes continued to stare at me, the chattering rattled up my spine.
“Captain! We’re having trouble! They just keep throwing more stuff at us, no matter what we do!”
“Show me!”
A battle, raging across space. Small craft screaming through the void, lasers tearing through the gaps and gouging deep into ships the size of stations. A planet below, torn by the signs of the same battle happening above. A moon rising above the horizon. No - not a moon. An absolutely massive battlestation, primed for war.
“Soldiers! Sound off!”
A deep chasm, warriors fleeing across a bridge. One falling behind, easy prey for my soldier. A moment more, and he will be mine. He takes out a weapon, shouts his farewell. A blinding light, and the bridge shatters. Falling, I grasp at him before darkness covers my view.
A young boy clad in green and a girl in pink is doing battle with my man. He is outmatched, outclassed, and doomed to fail. My man reaches for his prize, only to see it stolen from his grasp by another. Water cascades around me from above as the sky collapses and the battle resumes.
A small fleet comes into view of my overwhelming armada, arrayed around my homeworld. Doomed to fail by numbers alone, they still attack, driven by suicidal desperation. They dive in and through, picked off one by one by my superior fleet. One deploys a weapon, straight to the surface of my planet. It begins to boil and bubble, and suddenly it explodes outward, my own world a weapon used against me, wiping my race from existence.
“No.”
A single man wearing a bathrobe, in a temple to his destruction. My soldier yelling at and ridiculing him, fighting him for a goal worth nothing and everything. Destroying himself with his own mistake, the temple collapsing around them and somehow allows the man to escape.
“This can’t be right.”
A man, collapsed upon the ground. My soldiers turning away, going to continue their work. The man rises, and my soldiers turn and shoot him. He raises his hand, and the bullets simply stop. He picks one out of the air and drops the rest, then charges at my soldiers.
“This isn’t possible.”
View after view, battle after battle, loss after loss. My soldiers fall. They have no resistance, no way to stop it.
“This can’t be real!”
White faces poke out of the trees around me. The chattering resumes as the wind rushes through the trees.
“This isn’t real! None of those battles are!”
More faces appear, shaking and chittering away.
“What are you? Who are you!?”
The trees turn, and the faces stop moving. The wind stills and the silence is palpable.
“Haha, he figured it out.”
“Of course he did, he was the first in. Who else would?”
“He wants to know who we are!”
“Heh. He’s right, though”
The trees fade away, the white faces surrounding me turn faded and plastic. The ground all around is flat, covered in regular marks. Towering above me is a monster - no, a woman.
“It’s over! I’ve broken whatever defenses you weaved! Stand down or be destroyed!”
The woman rolled a large, marked object. It crashed toward me at random, before settling a distance away.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t think that’s quite right. You’re going to be stuck here for a while.”
“What! No, I’ve won!”
“Nah, not even close. My mind, my rules.”
“That’s not how it works. It’s neve-”
“Yes.”
The word crashed into me, knocked me to the ground. Sank into my very bones.
“Yes, it is how this works.”
She slithered along, her ruby scales glinting in the blinding light from above.
“See, you jumped into my head. You had some pretty pathetic protections, and you dragged your friends along for the ride. If I hadn’t gone digging through your memories in return, I’d have thought it was an accident. But no-”
She raised her hand, claws pointing toward me.
“Your race has been doing this for ages. Enslaving races, taking their very wills for them. I don’t even know how you managed it like that, you seem so bad at it. In return, I did myself a favor.”
A glittering, dew-covered spiderweb dangled from her palm toward the floor, point after point catching the light and growing new strands.
“I’ve taken your entire network - your whole race - for mine. You see, we had a fair idea of what happened to the first ship we sent out. We were prepared for the worst, and given rather impressive blanket permissions to do as we saw fit. Not quite enough to declare war, obviously.”
The web shook and shimmered, held in front of her gaze as she watched it grow.
“Fortunately, you let me take the initiative. War as we see it was already delcared by you and yours. And then you handed me this truly wonderful beauty on a silver platter. You know, your people didn’t even manage to do a collective right.”
A hideous cube of conglomerate metal tore through space, piloted by monsters of flesh and machine made one.
“Anyway, you’ve effectively given me your entire species. I even managed to draw them all in here. Every. Last. One. And since you’re in no position to reject my request for an unconditional surrender, I’ll just move right on ahead.”
“As a duly appointed representative of humanity, I accept your surrender and charge you and your race with heinous war crimes beyond counting. You and your race, by your own memories, are hereby declared guilty. Your sentence is another matter entirely, though. It’s actually pretty simple. I can even spell it out in one word.”
“Die.”