Another Little Mistake

Vicky, 16. Autistic/neurodivergent. Vent/trauma blog. Open to give and receive advice. Support is also always welcome :). Abuse victim, more precisely CSA, emotional, financial, psychological, verbal, and physical. Abusive mother, absent and abusive father, toxic family, broke situation. Mentally ill, stressed out, and at the end of my rope as well. Currently failing to heal in the same environment that has damaged me. Also an older sister trying her best (and failing comically). Lost, lonely & broken. Former gifted child, now a wasted potential with bad grades. No idea who I actually am. Or what I even am. I also use Marvel to relate and cope with traumatic shit. Everything is okay to reblog unless I tag it's not.

[inkskinned]

i want to be someone else’s safety. even nonromantically. i want to be “hey can i tell you something?” i want to be - i tried something new and i’m a little scared but i wanted to show you. i want to be “i knew i could trust you”. i want to be okay to hold the hand of, always ready to listen, always trying. even if i don’t get it perfect, you know? i just want to be a place other people can relax and be themselves and not worry for a fraction of an instant. 

[anxietyproblem]

[homeless-with-a-roof]

so many would see me with disgust and pity if they knew what my life was. if they actually knew.

[soupcollector]

Honestly a huge shoutout to everyone who had to stop doing what they love.

Shoutout to people who had to stop playing music and drawing because of arthritis.

Shoutout to people who loved to go hiking but can’t because of chronic fatigue.

Shoutout to everybody who’s ever had their health steal something they loved from them. Yall are so beautiful and worthwhile and I love you.

[chronicillness-confession]

Being both physically and mentally ill is such a viscious cycle. My physical problems make my mental health worse, and my mental problems make my physical pain worse

[the-moon-loves-the-sea]

When your living space is a mess, don’t ever look around and think you should have managed better. Don’t look at the chaos as all the things you should have done. Look around and think, “Look how exhausted I’ve been. I have been saving my energy to save myself and that is right.” And then ask yourself what is one thing you could do that would make you feel more at home in your space–one thing you can manage right now. If that’s fluffing up your pillows, if that’s putting the cups back in the kitchen, if that’s writing a list of fruit you haven’t had in a while and going out to buy it, if it’s picking up your laundry from the floor and putting it on the chair, if it’s wiping the dust off your crystals–that’s enough. Do what would help you now. It’s okay to be tired. It’s okay to be a mess. It’s enough to do what would help and leave the rest.

[meanwhilepoetry]

[homeless-with-a-roof]

Letter to my past self, my inner child: -Hey, it's okay. I know very well what happened to you. You were just a little kid. They hurt you, broke you terribly though you didn't know at the time. It was horribly unfair. You grew with these desires, this guilt, these unpure thoughts were planted on you. Always so lonely and bullied by everyone. Found all those horrible things that only further twisted your young mind, rotten to the core. People took advantage of you. Then you grew with those impulses, never being yourself, an uneasy, twisted, uncertain sense of self. You adopted toxic, abusive tendencies because you were brought up between the sharks, it was so normalized, and someone should have watched you, should have noticed. There were so many you's, and you can't remember your life clearly. Detached from all of your past selves, you're literally a different person who has to carry with the many sins and many traumas of a very distant one. You're not even sure if what you did, good or bad, actually happened, if what you saw is actually real, if what you felt really was yourself. You don't know what's real now, and you fear to have turned into your abuser. Everyday there's a dark cloud keeping you from reality, and this broken feeling that doesn't let you be. It's horrible. You hurt. And you feel so lonely, worthless, hopeless. But there's still so much healing to do. It's been enough punishment. You gotta move on, grow as a person, find yourself, who you really are. Someday you'll find counseling, professional help. You're just a kid yourself. You didn't deserve what happened, you can still change for the better, you still got so much good to give to the world. If you dwell on it, if you sink yourself on it all, then they will win. It's all in the past. There are people who do love you, people who wouldn't leave you no matter what. You've been so strong, fighting your own mind everyday from such a young age. You're detached enough from all those past selves already. Learn to see all of those past you's with eyes of sympathy, empathy, comprehension. Let go of all the guilt, the trauma, the pain. Look forward. The only important thing is what you decide to do next. You can still choose. You deserve to heal. Be brave, and kind, and strong, like you were always meant to be. Someday you'll find your family. And they will support you, help you and love you. And you will be happy at end. Follow your dreams and never give up, so you'll grow into a wonderful person full of so much good to give and energy to spend. You still got a great future ahead. Don't waste it, because it can be hard, but it's also looking very bright, and you got yourself on the go. That's all that matters. You'll be in a great place. Then, you'll look back and be so happy that you did it. You're loved. ♡

[homeless-with-a-roof]

HOLY SHIIIIIT DID I REALLY DO THAT SHIT

AND WAS THAT ACTUALLY DONE TO ME?

HOW DO I MOVE ON

[alprazolxm]

[0nly-an-illusi0n]

[hel7l7]

[manicgoblinnightmaregirl]

nobody really needs me. im just there

[abyssvents]

when you get so used to being abused that accepting anyone’s kindness feels like giving them ammunition haha lol #relatable amiright?

[lonely-and--sad]

[never-not-ever]

I like to compliment people and help them feel good about themselves because I know what it feels like to hate every ounce of your being.

[toadallybpd]

People are so supportive of those with ptsd until the trauma survivor’s triggers, panic attacks, or flashbacks start to inconvenience them. People with ptsd can’t just turn their triggers and symptoms on and off to cater to others.