pretty boy wonder

ashley | 20 | virgo | INFJ | criminal minds fanfiction | advice - just ask | the occasional selfie | ask box always open | requests are closed

[hotchnerfuckmeup]

February 23, 2018

okay, so please don’t take this as a negative/sad post? i’m actually pretty happy as i write this, so please don’t think otherwise!

hm. idk what to say. 

i threw you all a bit of a curve ball when i announced i was coming back and then disappeared again. i feel bad about that, don’t get me wrong, but idk as soon as i found my inspiration to write again, just like that it was gone. idk if anyone is reading this, i’m sure some of you are. 

i want to say thank you first off. thank you for sticking around while i was MIA. i can’t believe you all are still here?? i’m glad you are, though. i’m so happy you all continued to follow me. 

second, (this is just to let you guys know, because i kept you updated on it way back when. plus it’s a big reason i was gone) i wanted to update you on that best friend situation... well, she messaged me and kind of said that she missed me and all that. when she did, i forgot to breathe for a minute, but when i came to my senses, i realize that i didn’t miss her anymore?? like, she texted me, and although i was shocked, i wasn’t sad? and i wasn’t happy either. i thought i would be mad, but that wasn’t there. i felt.... indifferent? so basically i told her everything on my mind. how she shattered my heart and let me beat myself up. but somewhere between the time she stopped talking to me and the new year, i found myself again. i figured out how to live without her. i realized how.... free i felt? basically i told her, ‘i no longer need you in my life.... and i’m the happiest because of it’. so yeah. she’s.... permanently out of my life.... and i feel really good about that. i never saw myself without her, but the second i realized i did, let me tell you..... so yeah. that’s one of the biggest reasons i dropped off of here for a hot minute.

third. another reason i’ve been gone. i’m not saying i no longer love the show, but when i think about the things i’m most interested in anymore, cm just... isn’t there you know? i’m WAY behind on the show. have been since my major depressive episode circa last year (you know, when i disappeared?) and it really just made me lose interest in it. HOWEVER, i’m going to catch myself up on the show because i still genuinely love this fandom. you guys are the reason i was so dedicated in writing for cm. 

fourth, what am i up to?? well, for starters, i am really, really deep into the kpop world. so deep.... it hurts on the daily (in a good way obvi) but anywayyysss. let’s talk real life endeavors. i took a class last year and got my official certification in phlebotomy! yes, i am a certified vampire and i’m pretty happy about it. there’s a children’s hospital that opened up just this year near me and i’m working my way to a job there. right now, i’m enrolled for a limited license in radiography technology. after i get my limited license, i plan to get a job at the hospital for phlebotomy and med assistant, and then i plan to attend a two year college for RT(R) position. (i’m hoping the hospital will reimburse me for my education, but we’ll see) all in all, life’s just.... looking up for me. sure, i’m stressed a little about class and everything (i almost failed my first test y’all.... pray for me) but i’m just... at such a better place now? i’m happy and.... it’s just been a long ass time since i’ve been able to say that and genuinely mean it.

now, what about this blog? i’m not saying i’m permanently leaving, because, hello, i have an entire story to finish for you guys! (wink wink) but i am saying that updates will be.... sparse. just until i get caught up on the show and until i find the right time to get back into the groove of things here. 

thank you again. for being here, for staying.... for everything.

i’m back... kind of :)

[hotchnerfuckmeup]

Hey! It's great to see you back! I missed you so much! how are you? I hope your well! 💕

I’m so good and happy and just loving myself and life!  A lot of things I wasn’t able to say honestly for a while now, so I just feel sooo great!!  I missed you all as well and I’m so excited for you all to see what I have planned!  I hope you are well, too dear!

And I hope you are ALL good and well and loving yourselves and strong and UGH, I’m just happy lol

[hotchnerfuckmeup]

Hey Ashley!!! I'm so excited to see that you're coming back :-)) I'm so so sorry about to the situation with your friend - if you ever need anyone to talk to I'm always here!! You deserve all of the happiness in the world my friend 💘💘sending lots of love and hugs your way!!😘

Thanks so much Hannah, I’m very excited to be coming back as well.  I’m holding off my ‘official’ return until I get some inspiration and I get back into the groove of writing like I used to, but I’m so excited!!  I’m done with the friend situation, I’m focusing on MY worth and ME, and I’ve honestly never felt better.  So glad to be coming back!!! :) ♥

[hotchnerfuckmeup]

HEY YOU!! Omg how’ve you been!? (spencerdamnreid)

Ahhhh, I’m SOO much better.  I’m over trying to give someone who doesn’t see my worth the time of day, and I realized that I might be happier without her in my life.  I can’t explain how happy I am right now especially knowing that I’m getting back to writing!  I missed you all so much!! ♥♥♥♥

[hotchnerfuckmeup]

Hey! I just read your update and it brought me to tears. I know I can’t really do anything about it, but I want to let you know that she definitely shouldn’t of done that and it wasn’t your fault. I don’t know if you have an answer why yet but it better be a good damn answer because you don’t just drop someone you have been bffs with for 13 years. Anyways I’m really sorry this happened to you and I hope that you will be happy sometime very soon 💕💕💕

Unfortunately, I never got an answer, and I don’t think I ever will, but on the bright side, I’m pretty much over it, you know?  She’s not worth my time if she’s going to treat me like that.  I know my worth and if she doesn’t, that’s her loss.

Thank you again for the kind words, doll, you and everyone else here are truly amazing and supportive, I feel like I don’t deserve you all!!! ♥♥♥

[hotchnerfuckmeup]

Hey I just started following you yesterday, but I understand mental health problems and you can talk to me whenever you need to

Thank you.  I am doing soooo much better. ♥

And same for everyone and ANYONE, if you ever need anything, I am here :)

[hotchnerfuckmeup]

Heyy...you probably don't know me, but I saw your post and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for what you friend did to you and you shouldn't have to go through stuff like that. And I'm glad that you are okay! :)

I’m better than I thought I would be.  I feel great getting over her, she’s not worth it if that’s how she wants it to be, you know??

And thank you for the kind words, they mean a lot ♥ (i also love your icon. i looove yoi)

[hotchnerfuckmeup]

So I wanted to let you know that firstly, I truly absolutely hope you get better. Secondly, I know we have never really spoke but I’m happy to be here if you ever need anything. And thirdly, I went through a similar thing. My best friend left me right after my other friend died in an accident (this was in July). I was at an all time low, I couldn’t do anything and all I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and lay there till I died. But it gets better my dear and we’re all here for you. Love you!

Thank you so much and I’m sorry to hear about your friend. I’m glad we can both look up and realize that there are good things coming for us. I’m a very strong believer in ‘everything happens for a reason’ as cliche as that is, but I’m looking forward from now on. Thank you again, doll :)

[hotchnerfuckmeup]

I'm really sorry your friend didn't give you an answer. As someone who's been in that situation, it sucks, but it gets so much better, and I'm so glad that you're making a conscious effort not to let it get to you, because it's not worth it in the long run. Also, Regina can suck it, you're not in the wrong. You did what you could for your own mental health. Glad to see you back on my dash, love <3

It’s crazy that three days ago, my heart felt empty, but right now, in this moment, reading all these kind words, my heart has never felt fuller. I’m so happy to be coming back. And I’m forever grateful for the support I have here. :)

[hotchnerfuckmeup]

Hey Ashley, I'm glad you're okay, and I just wanna say I'm really sorry life has been a dick to you lately, you absolutely do not deserve it. You make me and so many other's happy, and you deserve all that happiness as well. I'm also really glad you're taking a break, and taking time to look after yourself, self care is of the utmost importance. I hope everything balances out for you <3

Ahhh thank you so much. It’s been hard but I’m doing much better and I can’t wait to get back into the swing of things. I have so much planned!! :)

[hotchnerfuckmeup]

Ashley! So good to see you back!! I'm sorry things haven't been going well lately. I went through a similar situation with my now ex-best friend from high school and I know how much it hurts and how much it sucks. But I want you to know that we're all here for you and we're all happy that your back!! :)

I’m excited to get back into writing! I’ve missed it and this fandom so much and I think it’ll be the perfect thing to help me :)

[hotchnerfuckmeup]

Hey I've been following you for literally six minutes but just wanted to let you know I've been cackling for all six of those minutes. I'm sorry things suck and thanks for running this cool blog ❤

Thank you kind one, I appreciate you and your kindness.  And I’m glad I could make you cackle.  I hope to do more of that in the near future!!

[hotchnerfuckmeup]

Ashley, I have so much love for you. Those kinds of experiences are soul-crushing, losing the person who was at any point your literal lifeline is an impossibly hard situation. Take your time to heal, don't rush yourself, and I'm always around if you need someone to talk to. ❤

Just seen this.  Thank you Cassie.  Means a lot ♥

[hotchnerfuckmeup]

Update - 10/02/17

Hey guys.  I’m here, I’m alive, I’m okay.

Well, not totally okay, but I’ll get to that in a moment.

I just thought I would drop in with an update on where I’m at emotionally, mentally and physically.  But first I would like to thank the few of you who have stopped by my messages/ask box/other things to check up on me.  I’m so grateful to have made the friends on here that I have, and I’m so amazed at the amount of love I have received in my absence.

Side note, as I was gone, I reached 3.000 followers.  Just wow.  Even in my absence, I managed to gain such a following and I honestly can’t believe it.  If I could tell you guys how thankful I am to have you, I would, but really, there are no words.  Just thank you.

Alright, so physically I am okay.  I’ve been trying to put myself on a diet and I’m trying to find time in my schedule to create a workout routine.  Eating healthy and healthy living will overall help with my depression, so that’s really what I’m going for.  Once I get to it and really commit, I have a feeling I will be up for writing again, and that excites me more than anything!

Mentally, I’m doing fine.  I’ve been better, but I’m doing fine.  

(Read more is for a rant about why I am totally and utterly not okay.  Honestly it can be ignored, but I needed to get it off my chest.  It also contains triggering topics, so don’t read if you are triggered by depression or suicide)

Keep reading

[hotchnerfuckmeup]

Just a new update below the cut about the situation.  (And a small announcement)...

So I have asked my friend what went wrong, I asked if there was a reason she didn’t want to be my friend anymore.  Long story short, I didn’t get an answer.  I still haven’t heard from her since.  I’ve settled with the fact that I will probably never get an answer, but I made the decision to let her know how I felt about the situation (simply telling her that she hurt me worse than I’ve ever felt in my life), and then I proceeded to say I hope she’s doing good, that I wish her well.  Civil answer, right?

Well, I guess she looked past my comments about hoping she’s genuinely happy, because she told her other friend (who at one point was my best friend, too, but that’s a whole other story) everything I said and the friend - so I don’t confuse anyone, we will call her Regina (not the george kind... well kinda) - anyways she told Regina everything I told her, which I said from the heart, I’m telling you I laid my damn heart out on a silver platter for her.  She told Regina, and Regina had the nerve to tweet about me saying I was emotionally manipulative for trying to make my friend guilty about not giving me an explanation for dropping me out of no where.  I was simply honest with her, telling her I was (notice this is in past tense) at the lowest point of my life, and I’m pit as the bad guy.  I’ll admit that it did seem like I was trying to make her feel guilty about it, but what else was I going to say?? “Don’t worry, I’m happy without you. I love life and living so much and I’m happy you abandoned me for no reason at all.”  Fuck That.

Regina basically has been tweeting nonstop about me, even went as far to block me (does she not realize i can just make a second account??) and just makes it seem like I’m the one in the wrong about this entire situation.  Please someone reassure me that I’m not the only one in the wrong, I simply asked what I did, didn’t get an answer, so I spilled my fucking soul out to her, got ignored and tweeted and now I’m the asshole.  I just don’t see how that makes sense.

Anyways, point of this is, I’m so fucking over it.  If Regina wants to call me a toxic person on the internet and if my ex-best friend wants to pretend I don’t exist, THAT’S FUCKING FINE.  I’ve finally come to terms with realizing I don’t need that shit in my life, and I am NOT going to let it bring me down.  I’m done being sad about this.  I will probably never get over her, since she was my best friend for TWELVE YEARS, but I will NOT let it ruin my life.

Now for an announcement. I’m not 100% certain this is a go, but as of right now, on November 1st, I’m coming back....  

[hotchnerfuckmeup]

Update - 10/02/17

Hey guys.  I’m here, I’m alive, I’m okay.

Well, not totally okay, but I’ll get to that in a moment.

I just thought I would drop in with an update on where I’m at emotionally, mentally and physically.  But first I would like to thank the few of you who have stopped by my messages/ask box/other things to check up on me.  I’m so grateful to have made the friends on here that I have, and I’m so amazed at the amount of love I have received in my absence.

Side note, as I was gone, I reached 3.000 followers.  Just wow.  Even in my absence, I managed to gain such a following and I honestly can’t believe it.  If I could tell you guys how thankful I am to have you, I would, but really, there are no words.  Just thank you.

Alright, so physically I am okay.  I’ve been trying to put myself on a diet and I’m trying to find time in my schedule to create a workout routine.  Eating healthy and healthy living will overall help with my depression, so that’s really what I’m going for.  Once I get to it and really commit, I have a feeling I will be up for writing again, and that excites me more than anything!

Mentally, I’m doing fine.  I’ve been better, but I’m doing fine.  

(Read more is for a rant about why I am totally and utterly not okay.  Honestly it can be ignored, but I needed to get it off my chest.  It also contains triggering topics, so don’t read if you are triggered by depression or suicide)

Emotionally, I’m really not okay at all.  My best friend (this year was our 13th year together), has decided not to be my friend anymore.  I have asked her whether or not she was mad at me for anything and she simply said no and ended the conversation.  I haven’t heard from her since.  I’m not the type of person to confront their problems, so I’ve just tried to ignore it and sat back, hoping and waiting to hear from her again.  She has made no effort to contact me or even check on me to see if I’m okay.  At one point, I even texted her to tell her that I was at the lowest point I’ve ever been in my life.  I had numerous panic attacks a day and I kept crying myself to sleep, honestly it was the worst I’ve ever felt in my 20 years of living, and do you want to know what she said to me?

She told me she was sorry, that she would pray for me and that she hopes I get better.  She didn’t offer help, she didn’t offer advice, she didn’t do anything but shrug me off and move on.  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about whether or not she would miss me if I was gone tomorrow.  I wondered if she would care.

I haven’t spoken to her in weeks, and I still have absolutely no idea why she decided not to be my friend anymore and all I can wonder is what is so wrong with me that she decided to drop me out of nowhere.

I honest to god felt like I was worthless and meant nothing to her.  And I basically told her that without using those exact words, and she pretended like it was nothing.

So that’s why I’m gone right now, and it’s been stuck on my chest for weeks now and I just needed to get this all out.  If there was a way I could tell her how much she destroyed me, I would, and I would hope she would offer a real solution rather than an apology and a prayer.  Because that does nothing.  If she’s been praying for me, it hasn’t been working, because I’m still sitting here in my misery.

That’s another thing, I don’t want to tell her all this because I sound so fucking selfish.  How am I supposed to admit all this without sounding like a brat who thinks she doesn’t deserve to be this unhappy?  She will hate me even more than I already assume she does because I sound fucking entitled and like I’m the only one in the world with problems.  

Sorry for jumping off topic (if anyone is even reading this), but the news of Vegas absolutely broke me.  I saw pictures and videos and I started crying in the middle of work because it literally broke my heart.  If you are in Vegas, please donate blood or tell others to donate blood, or really anything you can do to help save the lives that were injured.  And to anyone who lost someone in the tragedy that happened last night, my heart is with you right now and your families.  I can’t fathom a life without my loved ones and it breaks me to know that there are people in this world that sit back thinking it’s okay to take the lives of innocent people.  I will be here for anyone who wants to talk about it, even if the attack didn’t affect you personally.  Please stay as safe as possible and please let me know if there is anything any of you need.  

Anyways, so yeah, that’s the big reason I haven’t returned to tumblr.  Right before that all happened, I started writing again but stopped when my depression and anxiety basically climaxed.  Then I opened up to my best friend about it and she shrugged me off.  And just when I didn’t think my depression and anxiety could get any worse, it did.  And I was broken.  I still am.  But I am trying to heal myself, and I will sit here hoping that I will at least get closure for why I am not good enough to be her friend.

It just sucks that the one person who has literally kept me alive in the past no longer exists in my life, and I don’t know why.  When I first had a depressive episode, I wouldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and I had suicidal thoughts.  She was the only person that did something about it.  Before I thought about hurting myself, she went to my parents and made sure they knew what was going on

I’m alive because of her.  And now, I’m broken because of her.

I can’t go on about this anymore without crying, so I’m going to stop here.  This is just something that has been on my shoulders for weeks and only my diary has seen the words that are now written above.  If there is anyone who read this, thank you for you time, and just know that I’m okay.

And again, if there is anything, literally anything, any of you need, please let me know.  I’m here.  I always want to be here.  

I love you all.  Thank you.

Ashley

[hotchnerfuckmeup]

Thinking of you! Hope your schedule is treating you well. Finding other ways to use those amazing creative abilities? I hope so. xoxoxo

♥♥♥

[dontshootmespence]

Hey Ashley! ❤️

[hotchnerfuckmeup]

❤️❤️

[hotchnerfuckmeup]

popping by to say that I miss u, hope life’s treating you well💓 (spencerdamnreid)

❤️❤️❤️