which is funny, because the phrase people usually say is memento mori, remember you must die. very dramatic, and honestly, for a long time, i might have been carrying that around.
i found memento vivere on tiktok a while ago. the fact that i found it on there is embarrassing - but also very on brand for me. but since then, it sat with me, and i only just realized, why. i have spent so much time being afraid of death that i forgot there was another half of the sentence. not just: you are going to die ‘memento mori’. but also: you are alive right now.
right before artemis ii took off, my death anxiety had been sitting in my passenger seat, backseatdriving. not always loud, but always there. this constant little background process running in my body. like i had an expiration date, and the not-knowing was somehow worse than the knowing would have been.
but then the mission happened, which then made me watch interviews with the crew to escape the gaping whole the end of their journey left in me. something in the way Christina Koch talked about both her life and job as an astronaut and mission specialist, made the fear loosen its grip. i don’t think fear like that just evaporates. but it stopped being the whole room.
her saying life is long, and you need to do what fulfills you, gave me a sense that the whole point of life was not to conquer the unknown, but to remain curious inside it. to look at something enormous, that makes you feel small, and not immediately translate it into doom. to let awe be bigger than panic.
i think that changed me.
i still get scared. the universe is still fucking big. and death is still the ending of my part in it. the fact that we are all just little nervous mammals walking around on a rock, doom-scrolling on tiktok and wondering what everyone thinks of us, is still insane to me.
but lately, when i think about how small i am, it doesn’t only make me feel doomed. sometimes it makes me feel free. and that is something Christina Koch gave me.
my existence is so tiny in the big, impossible whole, so maybe i do not have to spend all of it bracing for impact. maybe i can use the time i have to look around. to learn things. to get the most out of what the world has to give me, as possible.
yesterday my mom said the infinite, unknowable part of the universe scared her. i understood that. of course i did. there is a kind of terror in not being able to explain everything. in knowing there are questions too large for your body to hold.
but in one of the interviews, one of the astronauts said something like that it is okay to be okay with knowing that not everything can be explained.
i keep thinking about that in relation to what my mom told me.
maybe that is what i am trying to practice - like finding the ability to stand in front of the enormous thing and not run away from it. but to accept that i will never now.
funnily enough, i told my mom that something that helps me with this fear, is thinking of life like minecraft, which sounds stupid, but bare with me. i think the reason i love that game is because the world is endless. you could walk in one direction forever and there would always be more. another biome. another cave. another weird little mountain. another place to build a house and fill it with torches so zombies wouldnt get in.
i think that is what i want life to feel like. i want to feel like an explorer, in a small way, by asking the right questions. questions that make it feel like i am always willing to have an ekstra look and investigate.
artemis II gave me that, i think. or reminded me that i used to have it. that childlike feeling of there being more. not just more to fear, but more to find. so maybe that is what the mission is for me now.
not something to defeat death anxiety with. or an allusion to be obsessed with some enlightened humble trailblazer-woman with nice biceps, who loves all tings that make her feel small (& looks really good in a backwards cap).
but a reminder to live.
to look up more often.
to let the unknown be a doorway sometimes.
to stop treating my life like evidence of an ending and start treating it like an invitation.
a/n: woah a jjburgers update abt freaking time am i right
Listening to the ceiling lights buzz for the past couple hours has slowly been making you feel crazy and the only escape was hearing someone talk, whether that being the assistant manager or a customer. Though the assistant manager had became less stuck up after you talked to her, it seems that as the time passes she’s slowly becoming too confident, occasionally giving you snarky remarks that would be totally okay if you two were friends. So not only have you been going insane from the buzzing but also have slowly started regretting apologizing to her in the first place.
“Y/n! Draw people to the store!” You can hear her call from across the store in a mocking tone.
“No one is coming into a board game store that’s going out of business and only has a couple games left on a shelf,”
“C’mon Y/n,” She walks up to you. You have your head rested on your hands as your shoulders support your weight over the counter. She makes her way to you and you can see she has small cards in her hands, already knowing your faith.
“No,”
“You don’t even know what I’m going to say,” She says somehow amused by your suffering.
“I’m not handing out cards outside,” You stare at her and in response she only smiles.
…
Being outside is a nice change of scenery but was incredibly humiliating to be ignored by random strangers passing by. You fidget with the cards you were handed, reading them a couple times and shuffling them between each other. ‘Everything Must Go!’ You laugh knowing this is definitely a last resort to speed up the process of this store closing down though, it was obviously not working. You were handed at least 70 cards and had only handed out less than 5 in the last hour. Thinking about it now, those cards you did hand out are definitely lying somewhere in a trash can.
Suddenly, your phone rings from your pocket. You pray it’s a notification that would somehow get yourself out of this situation.
Angela Smosh:
“Hey we just played one of the games you sold us, it was so fun! Thank you for the recommendation!”
You put the cards in your pocket to respond to her message. You feel an immediate rush of adrenaline pumping through your blood not only because you weren’t expecting her to reach out but also because you may have a slight sliver of a crush on her. You debate on whether you should wait a couple minutes before responding but out of excitement, you open the message anyway despite your thinking.
“Yeah any time! How did it go while filming?”
For the next couple of minutes you guys texted back and forth, occasionally laughing at Angela’s silly messages about how everyone got really into the game and it was a very intense filming session. Each message that was sent between you two was immediately responded to, Angela clearly on her break and you…slacking off to say the least. You continue to text her as you see potential customers walk past the store, not that they showed any interest in the store.
Angela Smosh:
“LOL okay my break is over, I’ll text you some other time soon”
“Good luck on filming!”
Angela Smosh:
“Thank you! Good luck with work!”
Angela checking in with you is a really sweet gesture especially since you were the one to give her some games to show Spencer. You look back and scroll to reread the conversation you two just had trying to relive the giddiness of when you initially received the message.
Once looking up from your phone, by looking at the sky, it was almost time to close up. Handing back the cards you were given to the assistant manager, you’re met with an unamused face.
“What?” Your monotone voice fills the silence, already annoyed with whatever she has to say to you.
“Did you even hand these out?”
“I did, only like 5 people actually paid me any mind and took one,” You shrug as you head over to grab your bag.
“See you tomorrow,” She groans
…
You start walking to the bus stop, hoping to finally escape your reality of this dead end job. Just as you turned the corner you can make out the last bus leaving the stop. You debate running to catch up and hopefully be let in but also debate crumbling down to the floor and begin crying. Despite your feelings, you just sigh incredibly loud enough for people walking by to glance back at you. You begin walking in the direction of your home and stumble upon a cafe, looking at the delicious pastries inside and how satisfied people look as they enjoy their meal, you come to the conclusion that you deserve to have a bite.
Now sitting down, every bite and sip helps you forget about missing your bus. You were in your own world enjoying your meal, thinking about your plans for the weekend, the weekend after, upcoming hangouts, until you’re interrupted.
Where Angela takes you on a surpise date to a Christmas tree farm, but is unaware of your allergies
Smosh masterlist | Words: 1.5k
A/n: allergies to Christmas trees aren't well-known (at least in my environment), but besides me I know two other people who have this allergy. It can present itself in many ways, in this I've written it the way it is for me
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You and Angela had been dating for a few months, and you went on as many dates as your busy schedules allowed. Today was one of those rare days that you both had the day off, and Angela had asked if she could take you on a surprise date.
The glimmer in her eyes was enough for you to agree to the date staying a surprise. She picked you up from your apartment, coming to your door like a true gentleman. Your face instantly lit up when you saw her standing on the other side of the door.
“Is this outfit alright for today?” The one thing you hated about surprises was not knowing how to dress for the occasion, Angela said to dress comfy, but that was still a wide range of possibilities. She leaned forwards and pecked your lips, “You’re dressed the exact kind of comfy I was aiming for.” With that confirmation you took her hand and let her guide you to her car.
“Okay no peeking at the directions.” She said as she shielded her phone away from you while typing in your destination. You loved how giddy and excited she was for this date, it was making you excited for it even when you had no idea what she had planned. Anything she was this excited about should be good, and in the end you just wanted to spend time with her.
The two of you met through a mutual friend at Starkid who connected the two of you when he found out your favourite musical’s overlapped so much with each other that there was no way you wouldn’t hit it off right away. He was right of course, your first date had been a musical, and you had been going strong ever since.
So, it was only right that the soundtrack of a musical was blasting through the speakers. The both of you singing Hamilton from the top of your lungs. The drive wasn’t long, but it felt even shorter with the singing you were doing.
The moment you drove onto the lot, you knew exactly what you were doing. Everywhere you looked you saw the tips of Christmas trees, along with fairy lights lighting up the whole area, you instantly cursed yourself for not letting Angela know about your allergy to Christmas trees.
Before you can say anything, Angela speaks up excitedly. “I know we’re not living together or anything, but I thought since it’s our first Christmas together, we could pick out a tree for my apartment and decorate it together. And some other plans I’m going to keep a surprise, but just a super Christamassy date. What do you think?” The excitement in her voice combined with the spark in her eyes, stopped you from mentioning your allergies. You’d just deal with it if it meant seeing her this happy. “I love it, such a cute idea!” You say back with a smile.
As you walked onto the Christmas tree farm, you instantly loved the vibes it had. The farm was filled with twinkly lights, fake snow patches, and cute Christmas market stands. Angela took your hand and pulled you towards a stand with ornaments. “We can get our first ornament together!”
You could already feel your nose itching from the nearby trees, but you ignored the feeling and focussed on the ornaments in front of you, pointing out a couple that you liked. Whenever Angela wasn’t looking you scratched your arms, already feeling the hives forming on them.
Those parts of your allergy you could handle just fine, they were annoying, but that was about it. Together you picked out the ornament you liked most, and Angela got it personalised with both your initials. Seeing her this happy was all you wanted, so you’d suffer through the rest of your allergy symptoms to not wipe that smile off her face.
“They have a hot chocolate stand. Do you want one?” You ask your girlfriend, wanting to have some liquid with you while you walk through the Christmas trees, because that proximity would mean your allergies would affect your breathing. Angela loved your idea and ordered you both a hot chocolate topped with whipped cream. “That’s a cute spot!” Ang pointed out a few benches that overlooked the market, and took your hand to guide you to it.
The bench had its back to a row of trees and you instantly felt your allergies starting to affect you more. Your eyes started to water and your throat tightened lightly, making it harder for you to breathe. That’s as far as your allergy would go though, so it wasn’t like you were putting yourself in danger by ignoring your allergies.
By the fourth sneeze, Angela started to notice something was up. “Hey, your eyes are all red, is everything alright?” You smile, “Yeah, I’m fine.” But your fine was followed by a string of sneezes. “Are you sure?” You lifted your hand to her cheek, wanting to say you really were fine, but that made your sleeve ride up a bit too far. Angela took your arm in her hands and lifted your sleeve further. “Oh shit, are you allergic to something? Is it the chocolate? The whipped cream?”
You shake your head at both suggestions and then give her a guilty look before saying, “Ehm Christmas trees actually.” Her mouth fell wide open, “Oh god, I took you to a whole farm of trees you’re allergic too. I am so sorry! Why didn’t you say anything?” You shrug your shoulders, “You were really happy and excited about it.”
“Well, not anymore! We’re leaving right now, change of plans.” You wanted to resist, but you saw her face change to the most serious you might have ever seen. “I’m serious, I’m not putting a tree in my house that you’re allergic to. Are you allergic to the fake ones too? I’m not sure how the allergy works.” You shuckle lightly, “Fake ones are fine.”
Angela nearly drags you to the car, wanting to get you away from the trees as soon as possible. Once in the car she asked you in what ways the allergy was affecting you, and as soon as you mentioned the respiratory issues, she was instantly worried. “It’s fine, I just need to wait it out or take some allergy meds.”
“Do you need a prescription or can I pick you up some over the counter allergy meds from the nearest store?” You told her that over the counter usually did the trick, so she drove to the nearest store where they sold them. She made you stay in the car while she got the ones you told her you usually took. Angela came back with the meds and a bottle of water. “Here, take these.” You took them gratefully. They took a little to kick in, but you knew they would soon.
“Are you alright with waiting for five more minutes? I saw a fake tree that would fit perfectly. If you’re up for it, we could still do the rest of the Christmassy date, just with a different kind of tree.” You smiled at her, “Yeah, I would love that.”
Once you were back at Angela’s apartment, she told you to take a shower and laid out a cozy Christmas sweater for you to wear after. She took a shower after you as well, hoping to shower away anything that would keep your allergies lingering.
When you were both done and in your Christmas sweaters, Angela showed you the next surprise. “I thought we could bake some cookies and while we let those cool down, we could decorate the tree.” You love cookies, and were excited to decorate them later.
Together you rolled out the dough and pressed the cutters in the forms of little Christmas trees, gingerbread men, and snowflakes to shape your cookies. Once they were out of the oven, you started decorating the tree.
Christmas music was filling her apartment, the two of you singing along, while putting the lights and ornaments in the tree. Your allergic reaction already long forgotten for you, just enjoying the day with Ang by your side.
Angela gave you the honour of putting the tree topper on the tree, and once you had placed it, you stood next to her to admire your shared work. Her arm wrapped around your waist, and yours around her shoulders. “If we keep aside the memory of the farm and your allergies, I am really enjoying making Christmas memories with you.” You looked at her with a smile on your face, “Yeah, me too.”
“Oh, before I forget! One more thing before decorating our cookies.” Angela turned around and grabbed something off a shelf. When she turned around, she held a mistletoe up high. “Can’t forget to add a kiss under the mistletoe to that list.” You chuckled at the way she brought it, and then leaned in to kiss her.
-----
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✭ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: in which you and your girlfriend angela do a little christmas karaoke.
✭ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: none!
✭ 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 701.
✭ 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫’𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: HAPPY FOURTH DAY OF FICMAS (on day 5 hehe)! 🎄
multicolored twinkling lights, the distinct smell of hot chocolate and peppermint, bouncy christmas music pouring out of a soundsystem unseen.
the smosh holiday party was going off without a hitch. you'd been there for about an hour and a half before things really started to kick off; the drinks had been steadily flowing, the karaoke machine had been broken out, and chanse was belting a dramatic rendition of last christmas.
you watched from your seat at your table, gabbing with courtney and shayne about their plans for christmas when you felt a soft hand on your shoulder. when you looked up, you were greeted by angela, who was grinning down at you deviously, the rim of her plastic cup in between her teeth.
"hi, baby," you smiled softly up at her, resting your hand on hers, rubbing your thumb over her skin.
"hello, my love," angela donned a cheesy, over-the-top british accent when she spoke, before ditching it for her normal tone. "i signed us up for karaoke."
you pursed your lips, nodding slowly. "i need another drink, then," you joked, standing up from your seat. angela immediately took your hand, accompanying you to the bar. "what are we singing?"
angela's mischievous grin grew wider. "it's a secret."
you only stared at her, eyebrows playfully raised.
"no, no, it's good, i promise." angela covered, squeezing your hand, "it's your favorite. you'll love it."
"i have so many favorites!" you laughed as you made it to the bar, ordering another one of the holiday specials, "that doesn't narrow it down at all."
angela shrugged casually, realizing you had a point. "okay, fine, it's our favorite."
so much of this christmas season had been listening to christmas music and singing along with angela – at home, in the car, in every grocery store, in quiet moments between shoots (much to everyone's dismay). what she said still obviously wasn't narrowing it down.
"you're killin' me, babe." angela groaned, "you'll know it. it'll be fun."
"allllright, looks like angela and (y/n) are up next!" ian called into the mic, scanning the room for the two of you. eyes growing a little wide, you took your drink from the bartender and downed it as much as you could before angela dragged you over to the little makeshift stage in the center of the room.
angela grabbed a mic, passing it over to you, before grabbing one for herself and holding it up to her mouth.
"before we really show you guys how it's done–" she paused for laughs, "i wanted to dedicate this one to my smokeshow of a girlfriend," she paused again for the cheers and whoops and whistles from your coworkers.
"this song was playing the first time she ever kissed me – at last year's party due to some strategically placed mistletoe–"
"you're welcome!" arasha yelled from somewhere in the room.
"super normal thing to bring to a company holiday party." shayne quipped, and you lifted your mic up to your mouth.
"says the guy who married his coworker." you murmured into the mic, earning a laugh from everyone in the room.
"anyway!" angela barked into the mic, "this song is pretty accurate to how (y/n) made me feel that night and every night since, so," she grinned over at you, bumping you with her hip, "take it away, babe."
the first notes of glittery by kacey musgraves and troye sivan came from the soundsystem, and you couldn't help but beam over at angela as you sang.
angela swayed along to the music next to you as she joined in for the chorus, before taking your hand. as soon as her part started, she spun you around, pulling you into her arms.
the two of you commanded the attention of the entire room as everyone watched in admiration, enjoying the sweet performance from the two of you.
as the song ended, angela pulled you in for a kiss in front of everyone. the cheers and whoops and whistles started up again, and when she pulled away from you, she pinched your cheek.
"i love you," angela said, before giving you one more chaste kiss, "you are the best christmas present i've ever gotten."
phones: keep your phone in another room, turn it on do not disturb, make your colour scheme black and white, delete apps that have you losing focus, set time limits.
set timers: set a specific time to study for, and then reward yourself with a break. for example, study for 45 minutes and have a 10 minute break; this can be adjusted throughout the day.
during breaks: do not use any devices during your 10-15 minute long breaks. instead, walk around your house, walk outside, stretch, get your legs moving. in your longer breaks, do something fun. talk to friends, family, read a book, watch a film.
sleeping: get to sleep as early as possible and try to sleep for at least 8 hours. sleep is essential to retain memories and without sleep you're likely to not remember anything.
atmosphere: keep your desk as tidy as possible, turn on some lofi music to study with or white noise, whatever suits you best. keep water beside you at all times.
i hope this helps, and i wish you luck on your study journey!
Summary: After spending time with Maria and Natasha in Norway, they've decided to bring you to the Avengers Compound. Unfortunately, your life remains complicated and wild as you try to navigate living with the rest of the Avengers and the possibility of meeting your father.
Relationship: blackhill x daughter!reader, Winter Solider x daughter!reader, Avenger x reader (platonic)
Warning: mention of death, mention of Red Rauma/HYDRA abuse, anxiety, kidnapping, injuries, gun shot, gambling, angst with fluff,
Word: 9.3k
Sneaking back into the States was something out of an action movie and a bucket list item you didn’t know you had. Your face had to be hidden to avoid facial recognition from nearby cameras and if you had to speak with anyone you mimicked an English accent. It was high stakes but it was so much fun. Finally, you landed on the helipad of the Avengers compound. Your body was shaking with excitement and nervousness as Natasha and Maria completed their post-landing routine. “How are you doing kid?” Natasha asked. You knew you couldn’t lie to her right now. Your poker face wouldn’t be convincing.
“I think I’m going to throw up,” you admitted. Your leg was shaking, bouncing up and down. Natasha stood up from the copilot seat and walked over to you. She knelt in front of you, holding out her hands with her palms facing up. It was a new addition to your relationship with the Black Widow. You would place your hands on top of hers and you would keep them there until your emotions were under control. It helped you more than the breathing techniques. It grounded you. Your hands were clammy when you placed them on top of Natasha’s.
“Tell me what’s going on,” you liked the feeling of her hands. They were warm, calloused, and rough against yours.
“I-” you stopped and gave yourself a moment to collect your thoughts. “What if they don’t like me?” You whispered. She smiled, rubbing her thumb across the back of your hand. “And I want them to like me but I know I can be difficult,” you made yourself giggle.
“They are going to love you and if they don’t I’ll punch them,” you smiled, and your leg stopped bouncing.
“She may have a better punch than you, darling,” you looked at Maria. She was walking over to you. “They’ve been very excited to meet you.”
“My sister and best friend will be the first people you meet and you’ll meet everyone else when you are ready, okay?” You nodded, taking your hands off of hers.
“Okay,” you sighed. “Sorry about that. That was-”
“You better not say stupid,” she pinched your sides playfully. You giggled and stood up, walking with the couple to the ramp. The New York sun shined on the ramp and at the bottom was a blonde and a brunette You let out a shaky breath, put your best poker face on, and followed them. You stayed behind the couple, letting Natasha hug the blonde and Maria greeted the man.
“So,” the blonde said, you were surprised by the thicker Russian accent. “You’re my niece.” “I am,” you said, keeping your eye contact with her. Her eyes were a similar green to Natasha’s. “So you’re my aunt.” She smiled, and a fondness grew in her eyes at the title.
“I am,” she repeated. “My sister says you are kind of a badass,” your body heated up at the compliment. You looked at your mom.
“Are you talking about me behind my back?” She rolled her eyes, throwing her arm around my shoulders.
“I like bragging about my kid, sue me,” you smiled, finding yourself leaning in her embrace. “So my sister is Yelena and that handsome devil is Clint.” Clint rolled his eyes.
“You’re an idiot,” he deadpanned but his face softened when he looked at you. “It’s very nice to meet you. Why don’t we show you around?” The compound was amazing! You found the place massive compared to the RV you were living in. You were a little upset it took Natasha this long to show you this place. There was so much room for activity, you loved the gun range. The whole training facility was your favorite.
“Where is everyone?” Maria asked when you reached the end of the tour. You sat at the kitchen counter while Natasha made you a peanut butter sandwich. Clint sighed, pouring a cup of coffee.
“We wanted to create a divergent to ensure you guys got back into the States safely,” Natasha glanced at her friend. “They took the bait and the team is hoping they get lucky. They’ve been gone for 5 days.” Your mom placed the sandwich in front of you. You were hungry but the idea of people you didn’t know fighting to keep you safe made your stomach twist.
“They’re gonna be okay, right?” You questioned.
“Yeah,” Natasha nodded. “They’ll be okay.” She wasn’t lying. You sighed, taking a bite of your sandwich.
“Nemnogo krasnyy (little red),” Yelena said. You titled your head when no one acknowledged her. You pointed to yourself. She nodded.
“What did you call me?” You questioned.
“Little Red. You like?” It wasn’t the worst nickname you’ve heard so you nodded. “Do you want to play in the shooting range?” Your eyes grew wide.
“Yes!” You jumped off the chair. “Let’s go.” You followed your aunt to the training area.
“She better be in one piece, Belova” Natasha’s voice called after you as you both broke out in a run.”
*
After dinner with Clint and Yelena, Natasha found you lying on the couch with Maria. You were resting your head on Maria’s lap, watching a movie. The Black Widow slipped next to her girlfriend. She couldn’t help but smile at the sight. It wasn’t under the most ideal circumstances that her family was together, there was still a real threat to her and your life. But she was happy to have this time together. You shifted on the couch and pulled the blanket over you. “Do you want to go to bed, dorogoy (sweetheart)?” Yelena put you through an intense workout, you almost fell asleep at dinner. It was nice to see you smile and joke around with Clint and Yelena. She was excited to see you interact with the rest of the team. You groaned, leaning into Maria more.
“Wanna watch the movie,” you whispered. Maria chuckled.
“We can pause it and watch it tomorrow,” she ran her fingers through your hair. “Yelena put you through the wringer, didn’t see.” You sighed, flipping on your back to look up at the couple.
“It was fun,” you said. “But my body hurts.” Natasha laughed, pausing the movie.
“Come on, buttercup,” the Black Widow stood up and pulled you off her girlfriend. “It’s time to go to bed,” you nodded, rubbing your eyes.
“Night Maria. See you in the morning,” she said goodnight to you and you followed the Black Widow to the room they deemed as yours. You crawled into bed and Natasha pulled the blanket over you.
“Are you still nervous to meet the rest of the team?” Natasha watched you think it over. You sat up and put your hands out with palms facing up. Without hesitation, Natasha placed her hands on top of yours.
“What happens if the Avengers can’t catch him?” You asked instead. “Will I be hiding for the rest of my life?”
“That is a big ‘What if’ because we will stop him,” it was a hefty promise to make but Natasha wasn’t going to stop until you were safe. “You won’t be hiding forever. Once he is dealt with, you can do whatever you want. Your life will go back to normal,” you nodded but Natasha knew there was more on your mind. She squeezed your hands. “Come on, what else is on your mind?” You sighed.
“What is going to happen to him?” You asked.
“I don’t know,” she answered honestly. “Fury will probably want to speak with him to try to get information on HYDRA but after that, I’m not sure.” Natasha was conflicted. There were moments during training or missions when Natasha saw the man behind the monster HYDRA created. You nodded, removing your hands from hers. You laid back down and Natasha fixed the blanket around you. “Remember what I said, okay? I’ll be your shelter and armor. There is no distance I won’t cover to get you.” She pushed a piece of hair behind your ear.
“Okay,” you whispered. “Night Mom,” Natasha smiled. She was never going to get tired of you calling her that.
“Goodnight sweetheart,” the Black Widow kissed the top of your head. She stayed until your breathing slowed and you were fast asleep. She hoped you didn’t notice how scared and worried she was. Her small family was finally whole again. If she were to lose you when she just got you, she worried who she would become to get you back. But she couldn’t let those thoughts consume her. Right now you are asleep and safe. She only focused on that.
*
The smell of cinnamon woke Natasha up. She felt around in the bed and found the spot next to her empty and cold. Figuring it was her girlfriend in the kitchen, she got out of bed, put on when of Maria’s long sleeves, and made her way to the kitchen. Maria was engrossed in making French toast she didn’t hear Natasha walk up behind her. The Black Widow put her arms around her waist. “I could have cooked, baby,” she kissed her girlfriend’s shoulder. Maria leaned back in her girlfriend’s embrace.
“Fury woke me up,” she flipped the French Toast that was in the pan. “The team got back late last night. He wants to have a meeting.” Natasha stood next to her, pouring herself a cup of coffee.
“Are they okay?” Maria nodded.
“The usual cuts and bruises but they are good,” but the sigh Maria let out worried Natasha. “According to Fury, there is some tension between Stark and Rogers.” That wasn’t new. The due always seemed to be getting underneath each other’s skin. Natasha frowned.
“Did he elaborate?” Maria shook her head. “Cool,” she deadpanned, sipping on her coffee. “When’s the meeting?”
“20 minutes,” she glanced towards your room. “I wasn’t sure if you wanted her to be there.” Natasha sighed.
“I’ll go wake her up and ask her,” she kissed Maria’s cheek and sat the coffee mug on the counter. When she opened your door, the sight made her smile. You were still asleep, on your stomach with your arms hugging the pillow you were using. Natasha knelt next to you, a gentle hand on your back. “Sweetheart, wake up,” you didn’t. “Wake up.” You groaned, opening your eyes. You blinked a few times, your mind and eyes still laced with sleep.
“Morning,” you mumbled, stretching.
“Morning,” she smiled. “So I know it’s early but the team went back last night and there is a meeting in about 20 minutes. Do you want to be there?” You blinked at her, giving your brain a chance to process the information.
“Do you want me to be there?” You questioned and sat up. Natasha sat down in front of you.
“I want whatever you want. You can come or go back to bed,” you bite your lip and pick at the edge of the blanket.
“Can I stay here?” You whispered. The Black Widow nodded.
“Of course,” she smiled. “Maria is making breakfast so eat when you are ready.” You nodded with a smile but Natasha could see that you were hiding something. She wasn’t going to force you to talk and hoped you would come to her when you were ready. So, she stood up, kissed you on top of your head, and walked to the door. Before she left, she glanced at you one more time. You were lying back down, pulling the covers back over you. Natasha heard you let out a small sigh.
Gently, she closed the door behind her and rejoined Maria in the kitchen. A stack of French Toast was made. “She’s not coming,” Maria looked up from the report she was reading as Natasha took her coffee and a piece of French Toast from the top stack.
“Is she okay?” Natasha shrugged.
“I don’t know. I’m worried this is happening all too fast,” Maria nodded and closed the report. She rounded the kitchen island to stand in front of her.
“It’s gonna be a tough adjustment, we live with a cast of characters,” the redhead smiled. “But she is resilient and strong, just like her mama.”
*
When she walked into the conference room, it was thick with tension. Steve and Tony were on opposite ends of the table. “Romanoff, Hill, it’s good to see you both states side. Fury said. She looked at the team. No visible injuries. They looked tired, hell even Vision looked exhausted.
“Glad to be back,” she sat down next to Wanda. “What do we know?” Maria sat down next to her, placing a hand on her thigh.
“Yesterday the team had the opportunity to capture the Winter Solider,” Fury said.
“That dude can punch,” Pietro said, rubbing his jaw. Oh, Natasha knew the strength behind the Winter Solider.
“But it was not a complete failure,” Fury pulled up a picture of the Winter Solider. Natasha saw Steve fidget out of the corner of her name. “We have a name. His real name is James Buchanan Barnes,” Natasha’s head snapped to look at Steve but he refused to look at her. “Which until last night, we thought was killed in action in World War II.” Her head was spinning. She couldn’t believe it.
“Steve-”
“Did you know?” The question stumped her. Of course, she didn’t know. “I mean you could have known and not told us,” Steve finally looked at her and she hated the look in his eyes, like she was the enemy. “You have a daughter that we knew nothing about.” Her jaw clenched.
“Watch your tone, Rogers,” Yelena threatened.
“Oh cut the shit, Capsicle,” Tony said. “Romanoff lying is no surprise. She and Belova were trained for that but what what is your excuse?” The conversation shifted away from the Black Widow to the billionaire and soldier.
“This is different,” Steve tried to defend himself.
“Bullshit!” Tony slammed his hand on the desk. Maria squeezed Natasha’s leg when she flinched from the noise. “We find out your long-lost buddy is alive and the whole team is ecstatic for you. Turns out I overhear you and birdie,” he pointed to Sam. “That your buddy killed my parents and you weren’t going to tell me.” Oh. OH. The tension between the two now was explained. Natasha saw Steve clench his jaw. “FRIDAY, play it.” Fury stepped out of the way as the screen behind him began to play a video. It was raining and a car slammed into a pool soon a motorcycle pulled up. The Winter Solider rounded the driver’s side where Howard Stark was on the ground. He beat the man and placed him back into the car. The same fate was met for Maria. The video ended and the room was silent. “So,” Tony broke it. “What do we do now?” Natasha found it odd that after all these years the video of the ‘car accident’ surfaced but she needed to keep the team together, it was their only shot of stopping him.
“I didn’t know, Steve,” she kept her voice steady even though she was sure he could hear her heart pounding. Her green eyes were trained on the table. God, she wanted to avoid this conversation. “In there and when I was assigned to missions, he was Winter. Sometimes I could see the man he was before HYDRA got to him but then they would reset him and it would be gone.”
“Reset him?” Rhodey questioned.
“Reset him how?” Sam added. That godforsaken chair. Natasha could still see it, hear his screams in her ears. Maria gave her leg another squeeze, it was the only thing keeping her in this room.
“Sestra,” she looked at Yelena. Her green eyes showed her concern. Natasha sighed.
“It’s how they keep him under their control,” she looked at Steve. “Let me guess, he didn’t recolonize you,” the soldier nodded.
“He didn’t even recognize his name.” Her eyes went back to the table.
“Because he’s Soldat to them,” the name tasted vile on her tongue. “HYDRA has this chair. They would strap him to it and electrify him,” she barely heard Tony let out a quiet, ‘Jesus’. “If we went on a mission on Saturday, he would get reset on Sunday and in training on Monday he would have no idea who I was,” Natasha tore her eyes away from the table to look at Tony. “I am deeply sorry for what happened to your parents but it wasn’t him. Someone made him do that, he had no choice.”
“None of us did,” Yelena added on. Natasha saw Clint whisper something in her ear. The blonde nodded.
“So what do we do?” Wanda questioned. “They can’t stay in hiding forever and the longer he is out there more people are going to get hurt.” She was right. You were his mission and that meant he would stop at nothing to complete it.
“The most logical option is to set up a trap,” Vision said, leaning back and folding his hands. “So we can have control over all variables.” The Black Widow placed her hand on top of Maria’s.
“He won’t come out again unless it’s believable,” Rhodey added on. “It has to involve his target.” You. You offered to be bait but that was out of misplaced trust and anger.
“Sedlala by ona eto (Would she do it)?” Yelena asked.
“Ty khochesh’, chtoby ona eto sdelala (Do you want her to do it)?” Clint clarified. Natasha’s gut instinct was to say, hell no, and they could find another way. But she that every option would be covered.
“English would be preferred,” Tony rolled his eyes.
“I’d like to come up with another option before we use her,” she said, cringing at the way she said ‘use’. It made her think about her time at the Red Room. The Windows were seen as objected to being used. She sighed. “I understand you are putting your life on the line for a child you haven’t met yet.”
“Yet?” Same questioned, smiling. “So we can meet her.” Natasha nodded.
“Yes soon,” she said. “But thank you I should have said that sooner.”
“We are family, Nat,” Wanda looked at her then to Tony and Steve. “Sometimes we keep things from each other because we think it’s for the best but at the end of the day, we will always be there for each other.” Tony huffed.
“Yeah, yeah, put the witchy powers down, kid.” Tony stood up and made his way over to Steve, holding out his hand. “Let’s go save him, okay?” Steve looked at the extended hand to him then Tony’s face.
“I’m sorry,” he took it. “I should have told you as soon as I found out.” The billionaire shrugged.
“It’s in the past, let’s work towards a brighter future.” The previous tension seemed to evaporate and Fury informed them that they’ll have a meeting soon to come up with a plan. But the team deserved to rest. One by one they began to trickle out but Natasha stayed sitting, she heard the unspoken words Fury wanted to say.
Soon it was Natasha, Maria, and Fury left. The director smiled the closest thing to a smile. “I’d like to meet her,” he said. “If she’s comfortable with that.”
“FRIDAY, where is she?” Natasha asked the AI.
“She has gotten out of bed and is watching cartoons,” FRIDAY advised. “Should I inform her that you would like to see her?”
“We’ll come to her,” Maria said. “Let her know we’ll have a guest.”
*
A guest. That was all the AI said to you which gave you a heart attack, not expecting another voice. The door of the small apartment opened and you paused the show you were watching. Your mom and Maria walked in with a man wearing an eye patch followed behind him. “How was the meeting?” You asked. “Did they get him?” Natasha shook her head.
“But we did find something out,” she said. “I’d like you to meet Nick Fury, Director of SHIELD.” You stood up, whipping your hand on your pants before you shook the man’s hand.
“It’s good to finally meet you in person, kid.” you smiled.
“Nice to meet you, sir,” you let go of his hand and followed the group into the kitchen. You sat on a bar stool while Nick poured himself some coffee and the couple plated the leftover breakfast. “So what happened?” You asked.
“We found out his real identity,” Fury said, taking a sip of coffee. “His name is James Barnes, a-”
“Steve Roger’s best friend,” you cut the man off, eyes slightly wide. “I thought he was killed in World War II,” your mom raised her eyebrow at you. You shrugged. “I paid attention in history class.” It was your second favorite subject in school.
“That is what everyone thought,” Maria said. “Until the team confirmed his identity this week.” She sat down next to you. “Which has caused some tension,” you looked between the couple, asking an unasked question. Natasha sighed.
“Steve believes I knew his true identity and kept it from him but I didn’t know,” you frowned, seeing the truth in her eyes. But you saw the hurt too that his teammate lost trust in her.
“That’s not all,” Fury said. “Turns out the Winter Solider is responsible for the death of Howard and Maria Stark.” Oh. That complicated things.
“Well,” you said slowly. “I guess we have something in common.” The Black Widow snorted at your poor attempt at a joke. You smirked. “So to recap, the Winter Solider is James Barnes, Steve Roger’s long lost best friend who killed the Starks and is after me. This man happens to be my biological father, which I’m guessing the team knows?” You questioned.
“Yes.”
“Cool,” you mumbled, running your hands through your hair. “So what do we do?”
“We are working on that,” Fury said, pushing off the counter he was leaning on to walk over to you. You spun around in the chair to face him, keeping eye contact with his good eye. You kept your face neutral. He was reading you. The ends of his lip curled up in a smile. “You got a good poker face, kid.”
“So I’ve been told,” you said. “Now what do you want?” He shook his head.
“Nothing,” he said. Well, that was a bald-faced lie. “Not right now at least. We’ll be seeing each other soon.” He quickly left the apartment. You raised an eyebrow, looking back at the couple.
“What a weird dude,” you mumbled. The couple laughed. “This plan that is being worked on, does it involve me?”
“They want to set up a trap,” Maria told you. “So we can control every outcome.”
“But I told them that using you was the last resort,” your mom said. “And you can back out if you don’t want to do it.” You nodded.
“I know,” you were nervous. “If I can help I want to.” You wanted to help that was the truth. Each day he walked freely but you and others were in danger. That reality didn’t stop you from being scared. Scared for yourself. Scared for the team. Scared for Natasha on the possibility she would have to face him again. But were you ready? All your life you wondered and dreamed about your biological. Now all the answers were laid out in front of you and you weren’t sure if you liked it.
*
When the couple was done with breakfast, you helped clean up and you changed out of the clothes you slept in. “You don’t have to meet them right now,” Natasha said, opening the door for you.
“Well, I can’t stay locked away in my room forever like Rapunzel. Oh! That reminds me, we should watch Tangled. It’s my favorite Disney movie,” Natasha chuckled, rustling your hair with her hand.
“Sure, we can watch it tonight,” you fixed your hair before entering the common area. The Avengers were there. You found Clint and Yelena right away, the blonde offered you a small smile. You returned it. “Guys, I like you to meet someone,” Natasha got the attention of everyone in the room. Oh, there were a lot of eyes on you. Your mom introduced you. Wanda and Vision were in the kitchen while Tony and Rhodey were at the dining room table discussing something on a tablet. That left Sam and Steve on the couch. The blonde super soldier kept looking at you and then back to Natasha. His blue eyes would linger on yours. Tony whistled.
“You really said copy and paste with this one.” Before you could respond, a strong gust of wind spun you around and pulled you away from Maria and Natasha. A man with white hair had his arm swung over your shoulders.
“So this is the fresh meat,” he pinched your cheek.
“And this pain in the ass is Pietro,” Maria deadpanned. Pietro chuckled and sped off behind Maria.
“You love me, Hill.”
“Pietro,” Wanda warned. “Be nice.” He quickly moved over to Wanda.
“You do know I’m older than you.” You smiled, shaking your head. There was a set of twins in your class back in California. You wondered how your classmates were doing. What were they told when news of your parents’ death hit and you disappeared? How was Sarah or Agent Cruise? You made a mental note to ask Natasha about them. The conversation flowed naturally with the Avengers. They asked about your likes and dislikes and your life before all this. The anxiety you were feeling was melting away. Suddenly, Steve stood up and left. The room grew quiet as everyone watched him leave.
“What’s got his panties in a twist?” Tony asked. You looked at your mom and her eyes showed how conflicted you were. You sighed and followed the man, ignoring the call of your name. The soldier was by a pond that rested on the compound’s property. He was sitting on the deck, getting lost in the water. But you knew he heard you by the way his shoulders moved.
“Tony is wrong,” he said. “All I see is Bucky when I look at you,” he shook his head. “I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” You took it as an invitation to join him on the bench. Out of the corner of your eye, he looked at you and began to laugh. “Sorry, I know this isn’t funny.” You smiled softly.
“It’s fine,” you told him. “Sometimes all you can do is laugh about everything.” You sat back, folding your hands on your lab. “I was lucky that I was given to a loving family but it didn’t stop me from questioning who gave me up. Can you imagine my surprise when I find out the Black Widow and Winter Solider are my biological parents?” He chuckled. You finally looked at the man. “She’s telling the truth, she didn’t know,” Steve looked back at the water. “But I get it. It’s easier to blame someone else in this messy world.” He sighed.
“I blame myself not Nat.” You hummed.
“Can you tell me about him?” You asked. The super soldier was silent. You feared you overstepped but you allowed the man to gather his thoughts. There had to be a lot of emotions running around inside him. He discovered his best friend was alive but at what cost?
“Bucky was loyal,” he began. “He protected me and everyone around him that couldn’t stand up for themselves. He was funny, kind, and my brother,” Steve looked at you. “I guess that makes me your uncle.” You laughed, pumping your shoulder against his.
“Can I be honest with you about something?” He nodded. You saw a stone resting on the dock and you stood up to pick it up. It was flat, a perfect stone to skip. Summers were spent by the water. You would spend hours looking for the perfect rocks to skip.
“I’m scared,” you said, running your thumb over the smooth surface before skipping it across the pond.
“Why are you scared?” You turned around to face the blonde and leaned against the wooden post.
“That you and the team are going to get hurt protecting me,” you admitted. “I don’t want that to happen.” He smiled.
“It’s our job,” Steve said. “We signed up for this life.” You frowned, walked over to him, and held out your hand. He placed his on top of yours. His was different, it was warm and rough.
“You may have signed up for it,” you said. “Doesn’t mean I want it to happen.” He closed his hand and squeezed yours.
“We’ll be okay, I promise.”
“Okay,” you were sure if you liked promises. Once upon a time, your adoptive parents promised they would always be around but now they were gone. Would they keep their promises to you?
*
“That’s it!” Natasha heard Tony yell as she walked into the common area. She changed out of the clothes she wore on her date with Maria into something more comfortable. It was nice spending time with just her girlfriend and Yelena said she would keep an eye on you. She wasn’t expecting to walk in to see you, Tony, Clint, Rhodey, and Sam sitting around a round table playing poker. You threw your cards down and pulled the ‘pot of winnings’ closer to you. The pot was candy and Natasha saw you had the biggest pile. “Your daughter is a cheater.” You looked at the Black Widow, a twinkle in your eye and you unwrapped a jolly rancher.
“You’re a sore loser,” you said, popping the blue candy in your mouth. “Come on let’s play again.” The table groaned as you divided up your pile. Natasha chuckled and joined her sister at the kitchen counter. The blonde had a few files and a bottle of vodka.
“How long has that been going on?” Yelena glanced at the table with a smile.
“About an hour,” Natasha poured herself a shot. “She’s already beat Steve, Vision, and Pietro. Those idioty (idiots) think they can win.” Clint gasped.
“I heard that Belova.”
“You boys know she can count cards, right?” Natasha questioned. It was your turn to gasp.
“I knew it!” You ducked as a smarties got thrown at your head and grabbed the chocolate bar in the middle. Your laughter was music to Natasha’s ears as you jogged over to them and jumped in the empty chair.
“Mom,” you whined. “I was winning. You’re supposed to be on my side.”
“I am, dorogoy. But we have to protect their egos.” You giggled and opened the candy bar. The Black Widow watched you glance at the folders Yelena was reading. Your eyes did a double take. “What is that?”
“I know that man,” you pointed at the picture. “He was at a few poker games.” Yelena closed the folder.
“These poker games,” Yelena said. “Where did they take place?”
“All over the city,” you told her. “Mostly at bars in the back room or warehouses.” The blonde looked at her sister.
“If we send agents to these locations we may find some HYDRA informants that could lead us to the Winter Solider,” she explained. “Do you think you can tell us where they happened?” You shrugged.
“I can try,” you said, taking another bite of the chocolate. “I was young when I went to some of them.” Natasha nodded.
“Run it by Fury,” Yelena cleaned up the folders and left to call the director.
“How was your date with Maria?” You asked once it was just you and her. The Black Widow smiled.
“It was good,” she enjoyed the one-on-one time with her but it was weird having dinner without out, even Maria said something about it. You smiled, breaking off a square, and handed it to her. Natasha took it. “Do you still want to watch Tangled or do you want to beat the boys again?”
“I will choose Tangled over anything.” Natasha chuckled, throwing her arm over your shoulders. You leaned into her embrace.
“It’s nice to see that,” you hummed in question. “Your smile, sweetheart, your smile.”
*
“Again,” Yelena ordered. You let out a shaky breath as Steve threw the metal shield. It bounced off the practice dummies and came towards you. You caught it the way Steve showed you, feet slipping slightly but you used the force to propel yourself forward and through the shield back. It took the same path as it traveled back to Steve. The super soldier caught it with ease.
“It’s fascinating,” you heard Tony say with a tablet in his hands. “She’s a mini Romanoff.” Yelena nodded and Steve threw it again. This time it was in a rapid session. Every time you caught it, you threw it right back and Steve did the same.
“Do you think Barnes and Nat could have passed down a version of the serum?” Sam asked. That was the theory they wanted to test after you outran Sam and could keep up with Steve.
“We won’t know until her blood work comes back,” the billionaire said. “But it does seem that way.” You let out a breathless laugh. It was another thing to add to your list.
“What the hell are you doing to my kid?” Natasha asked, entering the training room as you caught the shield for what felt like the hundredth time.
“Romanoff, come look at this,” she glared at Tony as she walked over to him. The billionaire showed her the tablet, her facial expression was unreadable.
“Stop using her as some science experiment,” she marched over to you, ripped the shield out of your hands, and threw it at Steve. “My pogovorim ob etom pozzhe (We will talk about this later). She glared at Yelena.
“Mom,” you said as she pulled you away from the other Avengers. “Mom,” you repeated. “I’m fine.”
“Sit,” she pointed to the chair. You did as you were told as she disappeared. When she returned, she was holding a first aid kit. “Does this look fine,” she held up your arm to show you the bruising. You didn’t have the heart to tell her that those bruises were the second round. The others already healed. She knelt in front of you, adding some cream to your arm.
“They are saying that you or Bucky passed down a version of the serum to me,” you watched the Avengers set up another training session this time with Vision and the Maximoff twins. Natasha sighed.
“Maria and I had a similar conversation in Norway,” you looked back at the Black Widow. Her green eyes were already looking up at you.
“How does that change things if that test comes back positive?” You whispered.
“It changes nothing, honey,” your mom said. “You are still my daughter nothing else matters.”
“But will that make me an Avenger?” Natasha shook her head.
“Just because you are different or special doesn’t mean you need to be an Avenger. It will always be your choice. I won’t or Fury or the rest of the team will not force or guilt you to join,” she gently ran her fingers over the bruises that were already beginning to heal. “When you get older and you decide you want to join the team, I will support you tenfold.” You connected your hands with hers and looked at the woman in front of you. In Norway, while the couple was asleep, you opened Maria’s laptop and searched for Natasha Romanoff. Quickly, you learned the things she was subjected to, and the horrors she faced to become the hero the world knew her as. Everything was not her choice. She was forced to become the Black Widow, forced to lie and kill, forced to have you, and forced to give you away. Her life choices were made for her, she wasn’t going to let it happen to you.
“Okay,” you smiled. “Thank you.” Natasha smiled and cleaned up the used medical supplies.
“Try to take it easy in training,” she kissed your forehead. “You’re gonna give your mom a heart attack.” You giggled.
“Yes ma’am. Be nice to Yelena. She made sure I was okay.”
“No promises,” she winked at you and walked over to her sister. You sighed, leaning back in the chair. What a weird life you were living.
*
Tony called you, Maria, and Natasha into his lab the following morning. He said that the test results were inconclusive due to him only finding fragments of the serum in your DNA when he compared it to Steve and Natasha. But the Black Widow told him that Widows were given different versions of the serum than the one they gave Steve. With this new information, a training schedule was made to prepare you. It was still uncertain if the Avengers were going to use you but you enjoyed training with people other than Natasha and Maria. Hand-to-hand combat with Steve, conditioning with Pietro (which you thought was unfair), and weapon training with Clint and Yelena. But your days weren’t fully spent dripped in sweat and your body aching, your mom made sure of it. You spent time with Wanda in the kitchen, played video games with Sam and Rhodey, and annoyed Tony in this lab. It was fun but you felt like you weren’t doing enough to help. The team met almost every day to brainstorm ideas, but they came up empty.
You were sitting with Yelena looking at the map of the city you grew up in to try to rack your brain where these poker games took place. You remembered a few spots; Ray’s Bar because the owner gave you sour candy and the warehouse by the pier because it smelt bad. You hated going to those games, the smell seemed to stay with you days after the game was over.
You sighed, taking a grape from the fruit bowl Wanda made for you. “What’s wrong Nemnogo krasnyy (little red)?” Yelena asked, continuing to type her mission request to Fury.
“It’s stupid,” a piece of cheese was thrown at your forehead. “What was the for?”
“Because if something is bothering you it’s not stupid. So talk,” You ate the cheese she threw at you.
“I feel like I’m not doing enough to help. I want to do more,” you slumped down into your chair. “I hate feeling worthless.” Yelena closed the laptop and stood up. You heard her approaching footsteps but you didn’t look at her until she was right in front of you.
“You are not worthless,” she said, kneeling to your level. “Your job is to stay safe. That is what the team wants, especially your mama.” You shrugged. Yelena tapped your leg. “What can I do to help?” Well since she asked…
“I want to read possible case files the Winter Solider has been connected to.”
“Absolutely not,” she said, standing up suddenly and going back to her laptop.
“Aunt Lena,” you called after her and was quick to follow her. “I know nothing about him. Wouldn’t it be smart for me to know everything I can?” She opened the laptop slowly. “Think about it. If you guys were to use me as bait it needs to be believable so for it to be believable I need to know everything about my target.” The blonde sighed.
“Your mother will kill me.”
“She won’t know I got them from you. I’ll blame Clint or tell her FRIDAY gave them to me.” She rubbed her forehead.
“Fine, I’ll get the files, okay? Just be careful.” You squealed, wrapping her arms around her neck.
“You are the best! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” She shook her head, chuckling.
“I know I am. Now get back to work,” you stood at attention, gave her a mock salute, and ran back over to the map. It was a start and you were excited! The possibility of reading case files made you feel like a spy, like your mom!
*
You called it an early night, claiming you were tired from training. Both Natasha and Maria seemed to believe it so you had time to read the files Yelena gave you. She was right when they said they didn’t have a lot and many of them were speculated that the Winter Solider was responsible. He was that good, that deadly, that feared that if there were witnesses no one would talk. Sighing, you bit down on the pen you were using. This was your father. Steve told you that he was loyal and protective but in these files, you saw none of that. How much did HYDRA get rid of? “Hey, sweetheart,” you jumped as the door opened and had little time to put the files away before your mom walked in. “What are you doing?”
“Nothing,” you squeaked out. She glared at you as she walked into your room. Natasha picked up one of the files and read it over. Then another and another until all of them were in your hands.
“Where did you get these?”
“I found them,” you lied. You hated lying to her but you wanted to protect your aunt. “I wanted to learn more about him so I went searching,” she sighed, rubbing her forehead. “I’m sorry.” Natasha sat down in front of you, the files on the floor but you refused to look at her.
“Can you look at me?” It took you a moment but you looked up at her. “I’m not angry, okay? I just wish you had come and talked to me about this instead of reading those. Those files,” she pointed to them. “Only tell one side of the story.”
“Steve told me about Bucky but I want to know about-”
“The Winter Solider.” She cut you off. You nodded. “Why didn’t you ask me?”
“I didn’t want to upset you. I know it’s a sensitive topic,” she gave you a sad smile.
“You could never upset me, okay?” She placed her hand on your cheek and kissed your forehead. She quickly moved next to you and pulled you into her arms. “So what do you want to know?”
“Anything you want to share,” in a similar fashion to Steve, she took her time before she spoke. You took her hand and began to trace the lines on the palm of her hand.
“He was Winter to me and some of the other Widows,” she began. “He was a strict trainer, very serious on missions, and quiet. Some days he terrified me but other days he was kind,” you heard the slight shake in her voice but you didn’t dare attention to it. “No matter what though he was extremely protective of me and the other Widows. If a mission were to go wrong, he would take the blame and accept the punishment.”
“Did you love him?” You found yourself asking. Natasha let out a shaky breath, you felt it on the top of your head.
“Not in the way I love Maria but in some way I did. In there, it was rare to see any kindness so when he should it to me I accepted it.” You spun around so you were lying on your stomach and looking up at her. You noticed her green eyes were glossy with tears.
“I’m sorry.” You said.
“Why are you apologizing?” You were sure but it felt like you needed to say it. Maybe you were apologizing for everything she went through. Did anyone tell her they were sorry? Sorry for taking you away. Sorry for forcing her to have you. Sorry for robbing her of her childhood.
“Just thought you needed someone to tell you that.” You whipped away that fell down her cheek. “Do you think I can sleep with you and Maria tonight? Those files were not child-appropriate.” A deep laugh was pulled out of your mom and you counted that as a win.
“Come on buttercup. Let’s go to bed.”
*
You were lost, unable to follow the conversation as you sat through another meeting to come up with a plan. Somehow Steve and Tony started arguing and your mom tried to stop them. Damn, your head was going to split open. “Enough!” Your sudden outburst got the attention of the room. You stood up from your spot in the corner and walked to the table. “You know damn well it won’t work.” Maria gasped.
“Steve doesn’t like that kind of talk,” you rolled your eyes at her. You looked around the table, Steve and Tony settled down in their chairs, and your eyes locked on Natasha. “Use me. I’m ready. I’ve trained, I’ve studied, and we know he won’t come out unless I’m there.”
“Sweetheart,” your mom pleaded but you held up your hand to stop her.
“I’ve thought about it, every possible outcome, and I know how dangerous he is. I mean I saw him murder my parents.” Tony mumbled, ‘Twins,’ under his breath. “But we have to stop him. The longer HYDRA has him the more people will get hurt. We have to save him,” the team was quiet, as they had a silent conversation with one another. But Natasha’s eyes stayed on you, afraid if she looked away you would disappear right before her eyes. “Come on guys,” you whined. “We got this! You are the Avengers, Earth’s mightiest heroes. You’ll protect me.” They were waiting for Natasha’s approval, no one was going to speak before her. You kept your heart steady and your poker face down so she could see everything. Finally, she sighed.
“I don’t like it,” she admitted. Then again who would? She was going to have to watch her daughter be live bait. “But she’s right, it’s our only option.” You smiled, nodding your head.
“How we do proceed?” Vision asked. “We must ensure the capture of Sargent Barnes and the safety of Miss. Romanoff.” You liked Vision. He was the only Avenger to call you, ‘Miss. Romanoff’, it made you feel more connected to her.
“Actually,” you raised your hand slowly. “I have an idea.”
*
“Little red,” you looked up from your phone. Steve was walking towards you with two men. The nickname seemed to spread once Yelena said it in front of the team. You heard it more than your actual name, it made you feel like a superhero. “I want you to meet some people.” You stood up and met the trio halfway. “This is Agent Brock Rumlow and Secretary Alexander Pierce.” You shook the men’s hands. You’ve seen them around the compound, a handful of times but you’ve never been introduced. “Agent Rumlow will be in charge of the SHIELD agents assigned to this mission.”
“I must say it’s a good plan. I was told you came up with it,” Pierce said. You nodded.
“Yes sir,” you said. “I knew the only way to ensure his capture was if it was believable and I was present.” Pierce smiled, you didn’t like it. A chill went down your spine.
“You’re a brave kid,” he said and the four of you began the walk to the conference room. It was the final meeting, to make sure all the Ts were crossed and Is were dotted. Rumlow trailed behind you, Pierce, and Steve.
“Are you not scared?” He asked. “The Winter Solider isn’t someone to be messed with.” You hated his tone but you brushed it off, there were other things to worry about.
“Terrified,” you admitted. “But I know all of you have my back,” Steve opened the door. “Right, Agent Rumlow?” You asked him, refusing to enter the room. He smirked.
“Right, Little Red.” Oh, you hated the way he said your name. You walked into the room and sat between Natasha and Maria. Immediately, your mom grabbed onto your hand and squeezed it. You squeezed it back.
*
With the plan in motion, you were starting to feel sick to your stomach. The busy New York streets were doing nothing to calm your nerves, even though you could pinpoint the SHIELD agents stationed around you. This was your plan after all. For the past few days, you were sending text messages to your ‘friends’ back home and claimed you hated living with the Avengers. You double-downed and said they were holding you against your will. Tony made sure your messages could be seen. Finally, a number you didn’t recognize messaged you and proclaimed they could get you away from them. A plan was made for you to sneak your way to New York City and meet at a cafe. Unbeknownst to your mysterious contact, the Avengers were in the loop. You would entertain the man until the Winter Solider made his appearance. As soon as he was there, you were to get to a predetermined location and a SHIELD agent would get you away from the fight.
You were given no coms. The only thing you were given was a bracelet with a tracker on it that your mom gave you. You sipped on your hot chocolate and played with the piece of jewelry. You wished you could hear your mom’s voice but you knew she was watching. So was Maria, Yelena, and Clint. “Hello,” you jumped at the sudden voice, hitting your knee against the table.
“Sorry,” you whipped the hot chocolate you split. “You startled me.” The man laughed and offered his hand. You shook it as he sat down. He wasn’t what you were expecting, glasses, long black hair, and tattoos. He chuckled.
“It’s fine. I can imagine you are on edge with everything going on,” you nodded as the man put a briefcase on the table.
“It’s been a crazy few months,” you admitted.
“Parents murdered by the Winter Solider and kidnapped by the Avengers,” you took a sip of your drink, it was still hot. “What made you want to get away from them now?” He asked.
“I just miss my friends,” your voice shaking was a good choice. You deserved an Oscar for this performance. “I miss my life before all this,” he opened the briefcase. “I want to go home.”
“I’ll get you home, sweetheart, trust me,” it happened rather quickly. The man reached for your hand and with his free one he had a small syringe. You had to admit it was ballsy, attacking in such a public location. But you were quick to pull your hand away and splash your hot chocolate on the man’s face. In his panic, you jumped over the metal fence and heard the man speak frantically in Russian, no doubt to the com he was wearing.
You got flashbacks as three black vans came rushing down the street, and innocent civilians dove out of the way. But you stayed, you needed confirmation. The man overcame his shock and jumped over the fence. He swung at you. You grabbed his fist and used his momentum to throw him over your body. With his back on the ground, you delivered a quick punch and he was out cold.
The vans stopped and there he was. An assault rifle was in his hands and his metal arm was shining in the sun. His eyes were glued to you as HYDRA agents poured down the street. You thought it was overkill but their attention was diverted when Tony flew overhead, blowing up one of the vans. That was your cue, you turned around and ran.
You thanked every conditioning session Pietro put you through because you made it to the alley in no time. “Little Red,” you sighed as you saw the SHIELD agent.
“Agent-” his name died on your lips as a gunshot went off and his body slumped to the ground. A hand went around your mouth before you could scream and a sharp prick on your neck made your eyes water. You tried to fight the assailant as he dragged you to a van, over the bodies of the other agents that were assigned to protect you. Whatever they injected you became too much, your eyes began to close as they threw you in the back of the van. The last thing you felt was them ripping the bracelet off your wrist before the world went dark.
*
You woke with a start. You dreamt that you were falling, screaming for someone to help you but no one was there. In the dim light, your eyes adjusted to the room, no cell, you were in. There was a toilet, a door with a caged window, a mattress you were lying on, and stood in the corner was him. The Winter Solider. You jumped to your feet and faced him. The sudden movement caused your head to spin but you remained standing. His eyes were cold, void of any emotion. If he knew who you were, he gave no indication. He looked at you like he was staring right through you. “Hi,” you squeaked out. God, your heart was beating so fast. Rattling against your rib cage. There was no way he couldn’t hear it then again you could hear his. You focused on it, the slow pace of his heart. You let out a shaky breath then another. Soon your heartbeat matched his and you looked at his face, half of it covered by that mask. There was a small spark in his blue eyes that quickly disappeared. He was impressed. “Where am I?” This time your voice was steady. Instead of answering, he closed the distance between you and him. You fought every nerve in your body that called out for you to run. But you stayed. Even when he towered over you and tried to force your back against the wall.
You were terrified, fear crept deep within your bones, as his eyes looked over every detail of your face. Was he trying to memorize it or find a memory? You weren’t sure. With his metal hand, he gripped your chin. You were surprised at how gently his touch was. “Who?” He grunted out, you almost missed it. Did he ask you who? What the hell was that? He could have added so many more words to make a thought. Instead, he asked you who? Before you could question him, the door opened and he was back in his corner. Four heavily armed men entered the room.
“Well, well, well,” you knew that voice. “Look whose finally up.”
“Rumlow,” you said as the SHIELD agent walked in followed by Pierce. “And Pierce.” What was going on? They worked for SHIELD, they were the good guys. Your stomach dropped at the realization. They beat you, you met someone with a better poker face than your own. You hated cheaters.
“The whore’s daughter is smart.” Rumlow chuckled. Your blood boiled but you had to be smart. You were given a losing hand and you weren’t ready to fold. Pierce held up his hand to silence him and stepped closer to you. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw the Winter Solider move. The rest of the room missed it.
“What do you want from me?” The man grabbed a hold of your chin, forcing your head side to side. Winter grunted in the corner, this time the room heard it.
“Looks like she has a guard dog already,” Rumlow teased. Pierce dropped the hold he had on you, your jaw sore.
“Welcome to the new world order,” he said. “Hail HYDRA.”
-
Sorry! I know another part is annoying but this was getting really long. Good news is a lot of it is written soo I'm hoping to post it on Monday, maybe Sunday. Enjoy!
Summary: Natasha doesn’t have a lot of regrets, everything she’s done in her life has gotten her to where she is now. An Avenger, a hero to young girls, and trying to remove some red from her ledger. But the one thing she does regret is giving you up. But when a word gets out that you are in trouble, she will come to rescue you.
Pairings: Natasha x Maria, Natasha x Maria x daughter!reader, past Natasha x Bucky
Warning: gun shot violence, implied rape, death, cannon typical violence, gambling, the reader needs a hug but so does Natasha
Word count: 7.1 k
“Mail call,” Wanda said, walking into the common area with a few pieces of mail in her hand.
“Who the hell gets paper mail?” Tony asked, pouring coffee into his mug.
“Some of us like to do things without technology,” Steve said as Wanda handed him the newspaper. Tony looked at the super soldier with disbelief. It was rare that the Avengers got mail but each one had specific memberships. Vision received a copy of the newest National Geographic and Pietro got Sports Illustrated. Sometimes Sam received a letter from his service buddies and Steve always got the newspaper, he did take the comics out for Peter. As Wanda handed out the mail, Natasha waited with bated breath to see if she received a letter. It was rare but she was excited nonetheless. The Sokovian smiled at the Black Widow and handed her a letter. It was addressed the same way, her name and her current address with no return.
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