Thoughts of you.
Do you think of me, S ?
Do you think of me despite my absence ?
Do you think of me when you're all alone in your room, remembering the times we had together whilst I was tangled in your embrace and you promised to always love me ?
Do you think of the effort and time I placed into helping you reach your full potential by providing endless opportunities for you despite it resulting in your prolonged absences ?
Do you think of the night where we gazed at the stars, hand in hand, whispering how nothing would prevent us from being together ?
Do you think of me, S ?
Or am I just a distant memory that you keep locked up tightly in the deepest pits of your mind as you continue your day to day life ?
Am I just a girl that you regret wasting your time with; a girl not worthy of a text or call as it's a hinder to your precious time ?
What am I to you, S ?
Or more particularly, what was I to you ?
Some nights, I lay in bed and I think of you, S.
I ponder.
I cry.
I scream.
But most importantly, I anticipate the familiar, jaunty tune of my phone.
It never occurs.
Sometimes, it's difficult to hold onto a memory tightly as it had ended so badly ; just the mere thought of you is able to destroy the peace within my mind. Your last hisses, which overflowed with malice and venom as you hung up on our last call, engulfs my mind.
I envisioned a future with you, S, one of which we started a family of our own ; you always chimed in merrily to exclaim your excitement in the past.
I suppose it was hopeful thinking : imagining a bright future when in reality, we could barely have a conversation without our faces contorting into shades of blood red and our voices rumbling throughout the streets of the silent city.
We thought so much of the future that we forgot to live in the present and perhaps that's why you and I didn't work out.
I had given you my everything, yet you continued to toy with my emotions, prolonging our relationship with your bittersweet lies of changing yourself for the better, though you neglected to discuss how you fell out of love.
Why didn't you bring it up, S ?
Why did you lie to me for so long ?
You promised to always protect me, but i suppose that holds as much value as your, "I love you, N" now that I think about it.
You promised to protect me, but you hurt me in ways that are incomprehensible.
It's almost ironic how I placed so much faith into an inconsistent man, who gained satisfaction from viewing my inner turmoil and inconsolable sobs.
As I lay in bed, sheets strewn aside as I twist and turn due to my inability to sleep, I recognize my naivety for ignoring the red flags you projected whilst we were dating.
I thought it was love. I really, really did.
You simply used me for your own personal pleasure and threw me aside the moment you grew bored as other things and people began to occupy your time.
You're truly the physical embodiment of selfishness and cruelty, S.
I hope you think of me.
I hope you regret all the intentional decisions you made to hurt me.
I hope you change for the better.
But I know you won't, S.
Because you never really gave a shit about me and I hate you for that.
Goodbye S.