Not of This World

Faith, 35, blameless in the eyes of my Savior. ISFP, freelance artist & animal lover in love with a man who will never be mine. Sometimes I spill my heart out here. We all need a place for that, right? I'm an optimistic realist, this is my place to spill when I feel like I can't go anywhere else. (\(\ (='.') ♥ (_(")(") FB Art Gallery - My InstaArt! ╔Isaiah 40:31╗ Works of art

[thepersonalquotes]

[sweetdreams-and-cruelnightmares]

“these past weeks have been hard. i’ve been trying to hold it together. but it’s hard. i can’t tell you the things i’m going through because you don’t need the extra stress but to tell the truth i’m not doing well”

—

[leohearts]

“My heart is hurting so badly that it feels like my body is slowly shutting down.”

—

[iam-redeemed]

Why do people always say they'll be there & they care but then when the person is actually in a really dark place, they don't show up or they make it seem like they're doing them a favor by stepping away & giving space? When someone is drowning you're supposed to jump in to save them.

[iam-redeemed]

I know 1 day I'll be grateful for the heartbreak of the relationships & what I've gone through with Blake & hopefully be able to help someone else because of it. But Kramer's band...I don't think I'm getting that back. I trusted them with it. It's the most important thing to me. I'd rather just be dealing with having to heal from past trauma. I just want his band back & to know it's safe. I should've never given it to them to make. I should've just kept making the necklace myself in crappy tarnishing metals.

It can turn up, sure...& I hope it does. But for me I don't think it will. I feel like things work out for others. Their pet was on death's door & should've died but against all odds, they made it. Kramer didn't make it. Even after the vet said he was doing well, you can come pick him up in 45 mins. So I went & was told he passed away 15 minutes before I got there.

& now I don't have his band anymore either.

Bruce didn't make it. Even though they said they think they caught his gastric torsion just in time. But then he passed on the operating table.

& I know...these things happen. & thank the Lord Kaycee & Ripley both lived good long lives & we had to let them go because they were too old to handle it anymore, but man...when 1 of ours gets sick, that's it. They're gone. Maddie too.

Why don't we get the miracle of our pets getting healed & making it.

I knew as soon as Kramer was sick, I KNEW I was gonna lose him. He wasn't even that bad yet, but we got home from the vet & I was fine until later that night I went to my mom crying saying "I'm gonna lose him, aren't I?" & I fought for 2 months to help him make it. I stayed up for several nights with him I hardly slept. But it didn't matter. He'd start doing better but it didn't matter. I lost him anyway.

It just feels like everything I love & want so desperately, God says no...

& I'm not angry with Him for it. I just want to know why. Why can't I have some things that make me happy? Why does nearly nothing that brings me some type of joy ever get to stay?

& I wanna be careful about that, because I have my family & I desperately love my family & I'll be absolutely devastated to lose any of them. But outside of them...I never get to keep anything. It never works out. Whatever I love, It's always ripped away & pretty brutally, heartbreakingly. So I wanna just not feel anymore. So that it stops hurting. Why did God create me with a heart that feels every single thing so deeply just so everything can constantly be torn away & I'm left with heartbreak after heartbreak & still my heart won't grow cold. I'm proud of my heart for that in a way...but it's also a curse. I love love...but damn it seems nice sometimes to really not care at all.

& you know...I'm there. I'm always there for everyone I love when they're breaking & hurting. But when I do...I'm too much. I'm left alone. People check on me but it's brief. I'm strong but I'm falling apart.

When I break, no one's here to hold me. I just get pushed away. So fine...I'll be my own. I can grow cold. Maybe I just want someone to talk to to take my mind off of it for just a second.

[iam-redeemed]

I'm just this miserable mess. I keep thinking I'm getting better & that I will but then thing after thing happens. Like I'm just supposed to be living in this dark mindset. I try to climb out but life just constantly pushes me back farther & farther.

I guess maybe it's the devil...being permitted to try & keep me down so I don't reach God, trying to discourage me. But I don't know if I have much fight left in me to not let him win.

[iam-redeemed]

Among everything else I've already been having to deal with...

The absolute most precious thing that I own...my late bird, Kramer's band...the jeweler lost it. It fell & he can't find it.

Idk how long it's been lost, he's been afraid to call & tell me. I only found out because I called him today. But they've probably vacuumed since then & thrown out the trash.

Nothing ever quite works out for me. Everything...if I want it deeply, God seems to say no. Not that I'm blaming Him btw, but I'm tired.

I'm tired of wanting love so badly & thinking I have it & it just falls apart & shatters me along with it. I wanted so badly for Kramer to survive & a miracle save him like so many other animals on death's door miraculously make it when they shouldn't have. But not my pets. Not Kramer, not Bruce. When Kramer was being hospitalized, they called & said he's doing great...I could come pick him up at 4:45, they were just gonna give him 1 more tube feeding & he'd be good to go. I get there only to be informed that he passed away 15 minutes before I got there.

& Bruce...my dog...brought him in & they said he had gastric torsion but it looks like we caught it in time. An hour or so later, I get the call that he passed away on the operating table.

& in relationships...getting so close to marriage, but 2 broken engagements & other men who sweep you off your feet just to find how easy it is for them to just drop you like they never meant it in the first place.

Kramer's leg band was the most cherished thing that I owned. Now I don't have that either.

I'm so tired of feeling everything so deep. I don't wanna be me anymore. I don't wanna feel everything anymore. It hurts too much. Let me not care anymore. Let me be cold. What a torturous way to have to live.

[iam-redeemed]

I'm assuming you're just giving me time to myself to heal. That's ok. You can keep doing that as long as you feel you should.

I'm not gonna request it right now. It's hard but it's best anyway.

I'm fairly ok...I'm more just angry. Angry tgat I let myself get to a point of falling for something like this. Angry that I have to deal with healing from a trauma bond. It sounds silly, stupid & weak. I hate it. I know it's not & it's a real thing, but still. Angry that anyone could treat someone like such absolute trash as if that person was such a terrible person to them yet they were actually the kindest & most loving person with all the patience in the world for them. Like you spat on them & still, they sat there trying to understand you better & how to love you better & you spat on them more.

So...I'm just angry. Not really feeling like romantically missing or anything, just pissed.

But...I hope that you're ok♡

[thehopefulquotes]

“You don’t deserve someone who comes back, you deserve someone who never leaves.”

— Unknown

[mournfulroses]

Susan Griffin, from a poem titled "Perversion," featured in Love Is Like The Lion's Tooth: An Anthology of Love Poems

[mournfulroses]

Anaïs Nin, from a diary entry featured in Trapeze: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin, 1947-1955

[poetryatmost]

And when you lay awake at night with just my memory beside you, I want you to remember that I’m not the one that got away- I’m the one you pushed away.

-Poetry At Most

[remanence-of-love]

[iam-redeemed]

Wow...what a strange dream. I wonder if I should take it as an answer in a way. You got pretty upset with me & there seemed to be no changing your mind,.

[thepersonalquotes]

[thehopefulquotes]

“If you’ve been brutally broken but still have the courage to be gentle, then you’re a badass with the heart of an angel.”

— Keanu Reeves

[mournfulroses]

Franz Kafka, from a letter to Felice Bauer written in 1913, featured in Letters To Felice