This is what depression feels like.
It’s not an emptiness, it’s more of of hollowness. You are very aware of what’s missing from you, that part of you that you know works just fine on most people you know but just isn’t there. This feels like it is never going to end. There is nothing in the world that can possibly convince you that it will.
It’s not that you don’t want to wake up in the morning, it’s that you see no reason that anything you could do in this particular day is going to make this stop. Even worse, many aspects of the day ahead of you could only serve to deepen the hole.
You feel detached from the world. Sometimes you feel as if you are simply floating from appointment to appointment, interacting with people as best you can. You wake up, you eat (sometimes,) you go to bed. You weren’t there.
You feel like you’re letting everyone down. You ignore your friends because you don’t want to bum them out with your problems. You think you’re a burden. You feel like you must be doing everything wrong because you’re not enjoying anything you’re doing.
You cry, all the time. For no reason. It just kind of happens. It makes you feel stupid because you don’t know how to control your emotions. You don’t tell anyone how much you cry because you think no one wants to be bothered with your problems.
You want to die, for real. Not in an abstract “oh my gosh wish I were dead” way. You think about being dead and how you would want to die and how people around you will find out that you’ve died. Maybe you never make actual plans to die, but you probably do.
You know that other people feel the same way you do, but it doesn’t help. Why does anyone have to be broken? You feel terrible. All the time. You’re not.
That’s the thing. At the end of the day, you’re not broken. You’re not a burden to anyone. Eventually you’ll start to feel alright. The problem is: there’s nothing you can do to make yourself start to feel alright. It just happens. It happens slowly and it happens at a different pace every time.
You come out of it. Every time, no matter how bad you felt, you come out of it, because you stuck it out. There are people who need you, even if you don’t feel like they do. It’s hard to remember that when it’s at its worst. They love you and they need you.
Maybe things aren’t perfect but every day that you’re around is a day that you can spend with the ones you love.
You’re not broken. You’re not a burden.