For days I've been struggling to write. I am writing in my head as I go places I've never been, and as I do things I've never done before. And now I think it is the time to put these thoughts on print- hopefully in more coherent paragraphs than tweets. For the past few months since the latter part of 2013 until this day of the third month of 2014, life has given me more than memories day by day (sounds familiar? From the song Whenever I Call You Friend :>). Sure we create memories everyday and I am thankful that this life still offers me more of the good than not-so-good memories but through all those memories, more importantly, I derived lessons. Lessons that are not exclusively beneficial for that particular instance but certainly for the rest of my life and for others who I share my life with. And most of the times, memories that you would rather forget are actually the very experiences you need to remember to prevent its agonizing reccurrence in the future. And when you able to surpass this, that is when you can say that you've already learned the lessons it taught you. As for my experiences during the past ten months, I have known the things that actually happen when our dreams became reality. I once dreamed of the perfect, if not, closest thing to perfection. As others would warn that there is no such thing as perfect and that it would not be easy as it seems - I didn't care, I knew what I wanted and I did everything I could to achieve that dream. I was confident that through patience accompanied with hard work and perseverance, I will achieve that dream. The dream became a goal to achieve. My eyes were on it for the past years. I've endured all things that hurt because I know those are all part of the journey towards that dream. And it paid off. I was there... with my dream. I can hold it, I breathe with it, I live with it. You wouldn't fathom how elated my heart was when I finally grasp the dream I was once reaching from a far. And it's true... it's real... and I discovered, it was not as perfect as I imagined it to be. True to what they say, nothing is perfect. When your dream turns to reality, I should recognize that it was once the ideal thing I've been working hard for but now that it became a reality, the biggest challenge is to accept all the truth about it - all the flaws, all the imperfections, all the mistakes because those are the things that make it real. The struggle within me is to choose. Now that I have the dream, should I make it real and endure all the pain that it might cause while I'm trying to surpass the challenges it gives me? Or should I let go and let it as it is, a dream... a flawless dream that I would never get to hold on to anymore? I chose the former. The most courageous decision is to choose the first option. But sometimes, choosing the second option would be the best thing for you to become mature enough to realize that not everything we wanted and waited for is for us. I have two parallel dilemma. The contexts are different. Dilemma A is about me achieving this dream of being a teacher. I was generally fulfilled living this dream for the past one year. I believed I was equipped with everything I need to become the best in my chosen profession. But as I go through the days of teaching in the classroom, I was being shattered gradually. All my plans, all my expectations, all that I know - these were all useless. Before you could actually lay all you cards, all your ideals, they were actually being smashed away. This isn't the dream I once dreamed but the reality that I have to face. It's true when they say, when you are on the road towards a dream you are determined to change the world, but when you get there, the world will actually change you. And I was indeed disappointed. I was trying to resolve it by thinking that I should be the one to bring out the excellence from them. I never wanted to be stagnant and get settled for what they got used to, I want my students to strive for the best. But I cannot see it happening for the most parts to the extent that I want to give up because I think that maybe I am incapable and I am not helping them. Then a senior colleague heard my musings and said, "Are you giving up that fast?" Shoot, what a wake up call. I want to give up because my dream has slapped me and I can imagine it saying 'this is me, this what you wanted all along, now take me as I am or watch me as I go'. I never wanted to give up that fast, it is not me. I know I can do it, I am still hopeful that I can do it. Though I know it would take a lot - double and triple the hard work, I know I can still endure. For this matter, I would like to test my courage and I'm hopeful that it will all be worth it... so I am choosing the first option. Dilemma B is I think an easier problem to solve but the most painful to realize. I knew he was my first love. He was the one who made me feel all the bizarre as well as the most heartbreaking feels for the first time. We never got a chance to talk or to bond back in the days. But I know he's smart, talented, responsible, cute, a leader, and a good person. Trying to describe him while imagining him still makes me smile. He was my dream. I know from the very start, it is a hopeless case. But then I continued hoping. During the times that I never thought about him, I unconsciously do because I never wanted anyone as much. as I wanted him. After eight years of admiring him, the universe actually did me a favor. We started going out... again, you couldn't just imagine how my heart ferociously beats every time I am on my way to meet him. He was my dream... then suddenly I was with my dream. He is smart, talented, cute, a leader, and a good person... but I never thought that he is also human, he is capable of doing more things than what I know he could. What a wake up call. And to be honest, I was asking questions to myself whenever I'm with him, is he the one that I really wanted? I don't know why but I am happier when I talk about him to my friends than when I am actually with him... and I know he can feel that. And I knew it from the start, though I was full of hopes, I would rather have him stay as a dream. Maybe I wasn't really into him, maybe I was really into the thought of him. And he actually said it, when you love someone you don't love him/her because he/she have all these loveable characteristics, when you love someone, you just love him/her because he/she is that person. And as for me, I have yet to reach that degree... not this time, not to him. I was disappointed because I like him but I am not the one he needs. Seeing the good side of it, it is fine that we both have resolved what we are to each other at the early stage. When will you know that someone is not meant for you? You'll just know. It took days for me to understand that sometimes when a dream became a reality, you would rather choose to have it as a dream again so nothing will change, nothing is bad - everybody's just hopeful dreaming. For this matter, the second option is best. Then I realized so recently, why do I need to limit myself to two options when I can actually have three? Sometimes, on the way towards a dream you will come across something that is way better than what you are working on but you are just unconscious. It happens. Now the third option is to live the moment. In this way, you'll never expect, and hell you can never be disappointed. Dreaming is striving to become happier and happiness is never directly proportional to a person or a thing. It is smiling through the worst, dancing in the face of danger (thanks Lion King), and laughing in the midst of uncertainty. Happiness is choosing to be happy, ceteris paribus (Yes, Economics?). Spontaneous it might seem but trusting God and and the people you love makes us more assured and happy. We don't need to rationalize things or dwell on hate and bitterness, focusing more on the things that gives us motivation and the people that bring out the best in us are far more appropriate. Live the moment, appreciate every bits of it, and good or bad, be grateful for it. I would like to thank extend my deepest gratitude to people who I shared mature talks with for the past months for they have made me realized these things: To my Cheby friends, hi guys. Thank you for the support! To Rie, Gelbs, Wewe, Erich who were with me at McDonald's Trinoma thanks for the sharing, it made me realize a lot. To Trex, I missed you! To Oneng and Tee, thank you for sharing me your stories, though they were heavy, I have learned a lot. I realized that we are not the same old nenes back in high school, our conversations are more profound now than ever before. Let us continue to become the strength of each other. To my TCCS friends, hi guys. Back in college we were so wu wei, now that we have work and have the right to wu wei, can we stop arguing on petty things? Even so, I love you guys. Thank you for being so crazy and spontaneous that I can forget my problems (and even myself) whenever I'm with you guys. Now for the people who became witnesses of my dreams becoming a reality: To my package deal colleague, Binibini, thanks because of you I never felt alone whenever I feel disappointed at work. Thank you for the memories and the wisdom that we shared. I cannot imagine myself without you but wherever you choose to go, I will always wish you the best and I'll pray that you can finally find what you're looking for. To the cutest and most wonderful guy I've ever met, thank you Buddy for letting me know you better. Thank you for the memories and the profound lectures... and the pineapples, I will keep everything in mind. Thank you for inspiring me to be better. I wish you all the luck (though i think you don't need this) and the best to your clerkship. I pray that you would have the strength in all aspects so you could graduate with flying colors soon. Take care and see you when I see you. To my food buddy (and my buddy throughout my college life), Chief, I know you are very happy right now and I wish you more happiness because you deserve it. Thank you for always being there to listen and to comfort me. I know you live far away (kala mo abroad e) but you always make it a point to check on me and make the effort for us to talk. (Speaking of the devil, you just texted me) Thank you for being a sister to me (though mas maganda ka saken) and for sharing all the kalokohan moments in college over food and coffee - these kept me sane! We were always eyeing on the same goal (pero not sa boys ah) and I wish nothing but the best to your career. Good luck, I hope you finally find what you're looking for. Love you Chief! To my ever involved and happy and G friend, Just In, hi Babs. Let me thank you sincerely (walang kaplastikan) because you know how much you are involved in my life right now. I am happy and proud of what you've become (like a momma!) Ever since that day when you brought me to your house the first time, you became too much involved and I am thankful that we became closer now. Whenever I feel happy you are there to support, and whenever I feel down, you're there to give me water. When I am sad, I will think of our bus moments, how you play songs that fit my dramas in life (church songs) and I will instantly smile. More spontaneous adventures to come friend! Thank you for always being a text away and for proving that "when a man says it, he does it". Thank you! Love you forever! To the girl who knew it all.... the funniest, the sexiest, the loudest, and sometimes the smartest girl in my life... Kuratz. Madame, you were there ever since. You know me very well. We've exchanged letters a number of times in high school but why not now? Anyway, I love how we were still like before, nothing has changed (except that we now have Just in in between). You are the most selfless that is why you make your friends selfish. (Boss? Di joke. Haha) How? You know sometimes I am jealous of others because they can get to hangout with you always. I want to be with you all the time like how we were in high school, but like what they say, sometimes when people grow together, they grow apart. That is how you make me selfish. I love you to bits Corazon! 9 years of best friendship. I hope 10 years, 20 years, 30 years from now nothing will change to our friendship, we will still be our loka loka selves. Thank you for the memories and the lessons we learned from each other. More mature talks ahead! This is what actually happens when dreams became reality. You get to value people and relationships :)
